How to Center Yourself in the Age of Anxiety: Values 101

So many people, old and young, enter therapy describing their anxiety as intruding into so many aspects of life,  as though there’s no comfortable place to land their thoughts. Anxiety seeps into activities of daily living it has no business bothering.

Some psychologists would respond to this presentation by saying , “Well, it sounds like you have Generalized Anxiety Disorder. Let’s come up with a treatment plan to relieve you of your anxiety.”

Psychoanalytic therapists would then dive deep into your past, orbiting around childhood trauma, parental failings and early, heroic childhood solutions you arrived at to exist in your family and beyond.

CBT psychologists would focus more on the relationship between your thought patterns, feelings of anxiety and actions. They would zoom in on irrational beliefs, core beliefs and automatic thoughts that lead to anxiety and vice versa.

The problem could be “generalized,” but the solution should be more nuanced and thoughtful.

A Roadmap for Finding Direction

As a CBT psychologist in New York City, I work with a lot of ambitious people who tend to be cerebral — powerful thinkers who deal with big problems at work while juggling busy personal lives. Whether it’s a Wall Street banker, an in-demand actress or a student who is just learning how to exist in the world as an adult, people generally want concrete solutions to their problems.

While I do offer tools for managing anxiety, I have found over the years that the treatment of overwhelming anxiety must also include a roadmap.

Money, job titles and recognition often become the default roadmap for ambitious New Yorkers…and it’s totally understandable. If you’ve invested much of your time and money building toward your professional dreams, it makes sense that you’d want to be rewarded in line with your expectations and motivations. However, this kind of roadmap is likely to spike your anxiety and promote a rudderless sense of direction in life, even if you’re successful.

What Do You Value?

Choosing a set of principles and valued actions with regard to what really matters you goes a long way in relieving anxiety, rumination, social discomfort and even depression. When you have an enhanced sense of what guides you, many seemingly difficult decisions become crystal clear. Values have an amazing grounding effect, and yes, they do play a major role in alleviating mental suffering. (Here is a list of valued domains, even though they are commonly called values.) Values that are represented by one word, such as discipline, are not very helpful in one’s effort to manifest them. Values are active statements that sometimes include an adverb or an adjective. For example, actively protecting family traditions is a value, as opposed to being guided by family or tradition.

Direction Not Perfection

Ambition and close attention to detail often translates into unrelenting perfectionism. Gaining a better sense of what actions you truly value allows you to pay less attention to outcomes and invest more in the journey, the process of life, which promotes compassion, perspective and lower stress.

The Age of Anxiety and Values

In our fast-paced, phone-led lives, it takes extra effort for most of us to press pause and reflect on important questions that allow us to get in touch with our values. It’s so much easier to jump from quick hit to quick hit. Life can be heavy, but to get where we want to go, we have to both accept what is AND look deeper. Anxiety and worry can obstruct our efforts to peel back the onion and see what guides our behavior at our core. If live only within our worries, putting out fires as they arise, but not daring to understand what is behind our uneasiness, then we miss out on improving our quality of life through living according to our values, the guiding force that takes away lots of unnecessary concerns and indecision.

Know Your Obstacles That Prevent Your Values from Guiding You

While naming and living in accordance with your values can be a life-altering decision, having curiosity about what keeps you from manifesting your values is very important. Some people are so overwhelmed at baseline that they don’t feel like they have the mental bandwidth to dig deeper into the land of what really matters. Other people are stuck in jobs and relationships that don’t align with their values. This discrepancy creates massive inner conflict that can either be avoided or faced and cleared.

Without much inner work and questioning, we are likely to take on the behaviors and values of our family members or people who tell us what to care about. For example, a parent might have taught you that people can’t be trusted and you should value putting family first (regardless of how you’re treated….or mistreated). This put-family-first-at-all-costs value can be soul crushing if you find yourself serving the needs of your parent and not making a healthy separation and individuation from your family. What if it leads you to have no boundaries or limits? This is a vey common example of a value that ends up harming you in more ways than you might realize.

Another common obstacle with regard to being blocked from living true to your values is when the company you work for promotes values that don’t align with your personal values. For example, making the sale at any cost might conflict with your personal values involving striving to be honest and authentic.

I guide my clients through the process of discovering their own values, finding meaning in places they haven’t dared to look and clearing obstacles preventing them from manifesting their values.

Values represent a roadmap for life. They naturally tell you what feels right and true to you.

As a psychologist in NYC who offers values-oriented CBT therapy, I have had success with clients who seek to clarify their values. A big part of the outcomes my clients have achieved has to be with my love of my work. I enjoy helping clients to discover their values, as well as to “name and tame” obstacles preventing the expression of what really matters to them. Values give an infusion of meaning and purpose. They reduce depression and anxiety when they are placed in the center of your world.

Value-oriented CBT therapy represents a wonderful way to center yourself in the age of anxiety.

Please feel free to reach out with any questions.

All the best!

Greg Kushnick

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A New York Psychologist Shares 18 Ways to Overcome Mask Anxiety

During this unique time we’ve had to adjust to life behind a face mask. The world outside your window has changed, which necessitates a shift in the way you protect our physical and mental health.

While casual use of a mask in open spaces is generally easier to manage, many of us are experiencing uncomfortable levels of anxiety, even panic, while wearing a mask around others, especially as we transition toward slightly increased exposure to more people and places.

Uncertain times like these demand increased confidence in our physical and psychological protection as we encounter real or imagined danger. Below you’ll find 18 great tips for overcoming mask anxiety.

18 Ways to Reduce Mask Anxiety

1. Take your self-talk to the next level.

Remind yourself 20 times during each outdoor journey that you’re going to be ok. Literally, say to yourself. “No matter what happens, I’m going to be ok.” This self-talk may boost your immune system by giving you an enhanced sense of control during this strange time.

2. Wear your mask at home for short periods of time.

Let the mask feel like it can be a part of you. Dance with your mask. Listen to music. Take selfies. Do whatever makes the mask feel like your mask is a part of you.

3. Remind yourself of your free will to choose.

If your anxiety spikes during a mask-wearing outing, keep telling yourself different choices you’re making in real time. Say, “I choose to…” For example, if you’re about to turn right on as you approach a perpendicular street, tell yourself, “I choose to turn right.” Repeat this for the smallest of choices. Consciously exercising your free will to make choices reduces a perception of powerlessness and increases a sense of personal agency.

4. Strive to better understand your triggers.

Pay attention to the situations that trigger your anxiety. Keep a log of each bout of mask anxiety. A note on your phone will suffice. For each occurrence, write down where it occurred, what you were thinking at the time, rate your anxiety from 1-10 and remind yourself of what you did to calm down. Read over your notes. Talk through your triggers with trusted loved ones and a mental health professional.

5. Practice breathing techniques with and without your mask on.

The more you practice bringing your breathing under control, the easier it will be to self-soothe when you’re feeling anxious with a mask on. Do relaxation exercises at home with your mask on. Here’s an example of a anxiety-reducing relaxation exercise you can try.

6. Practice visualization exercises to simulate wearing a mask in real life.

Picture yourself wearing a mask in different environments that represent varying levels of stress. Begin with the least stressful environment you can imagine encountering and rehearse relaxation exercises to calm your breath. See yourself as relaxed in your mind’s eye. Then move on to visualize more stressful places where a mask may be a challenge.

7. Give your mask a name.

Build a nice relationship with your mask by naming it. Talk to it. Reason with it. Laugh at it and with it. Relate to it as a friend. “Buddy, I gotta loosen you. You’re too uptight.”

8. Consciously send healing vibes to people you see.

Focus your thoughts on how your mask is protecting the people around you. Wish each person well as they pass you by. Transmit thoughts of love and healing. We’re all struggling these days. Bringing your attention to other people’s well-being can get you outside of your own anxiety. Tell them in your mind that you’re protecting them. The world desperately needs your good vibes and sense of social responsibility to heal.

9. Think of the children.

Remind yourself of the children you’re potentially saving by wearing a mask. Imagine kids thanking you in their cute little voices. Step outside of your suffering by picturing their smiles of gratitude. You’re making a sacrifice by being so uncomfortable.

10. Embrace the anonymity.

Your mask offers you a level of public anonymity that you’ve probably never experienced before. A teenager told me he likes to think of himself as a ninja when he wears his mask. Find a fascinating angle on mask anonymity. Embrace temporary hiding out. Enlist your imagination.

11. Get angry at your anxiety.

This is not my first choice compared to the other anxiety reduction techniques, but some people find it effective. Anger is the flip side of anxiety. You can’t feel both at the same time. Focus on how annoying your anxiety can be. Talk back to your anxiety. Yell at it in your mind. Tell it that it can’t control you.

12. Try name calling. That is, give your anxiety a name.

Naming your anxiety reminds you that anxiety is not all of you: rather, it’s a part of you. This anxiety reduction technique represents another way to increase your sense of control in the face of uncertainty, similar to my recommendation to get angry about your anxiety. Call your anxiety a person’s name and let it know how you feel. There’s something comical in this, but it can work if you buy into this technique. “Herbert, you suck! Go away!”

13. Find the humor in your situation.

I know that there’s nothing funny about all of the tragedy that the Covid-19 virus has inflicted on the world, but for survival’s sake, look for what funny about a given situation. Laughter can be neutralizer of mask anxiety. I think about the inevitably awkward moments that this pandemic has created. How would Larry David respond to a scenario you find yourself in? George Costanza? Kramer? The Modern Family characters? What about your favorite comedic characters?

14. Wear a funny, protective mask.

There are plenty of masks for sale with slogans that will give you and strangers a good chuckle. Knowing that you’re delivering humor to the world may help you feel less anxious with your mask on.

15. Make your mask a fashion statement.

If a humorous mask isn’t your thing, then can you make it about fashion? A few masks that match your clothing can go a long way. I wouldn’t make this recommendation if we weren’t in the midst of a global pandemic, but a little style can go a long way for easing your mask anxiety.

16. Online therapy = an anxiety game changer.

Seeking out an online therapist in a global pandemic is a sign of massive strength. Work on lowering your anxiety from the comfort of your own home with an online therapist. This experience can improve more than mask anxiety. Online therapy for anxiety with the right mental health professional can give you the perspective you need to understand and control your triggers, as well as the less obvious influences on your anxiety.

17. Imagine a light around you that protects you.

Imagine a blue light protecting you from all danger. Focus your energy on this force field. Picture a round aura protecting you. Send love to it. Repeat to yourself in a loving and confident voice, “I am protected.” This exercise is no joke. Creating a reminder of your safety can reduce your anxiety.

18. Start a creative, mask-related phone or video project.

Talk to yourself on camera about what you’re going through. Document this time in your life so that future generations can see what you endured. Share your wisdom from lessons learned. Creative projects lower anxiety.

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