How to Recover from an Abusive Relationship with a Narcissist
Once you’ve decided to distance yourself from a turbulent, long-term relationship with someone with narcissistic features, there are important things to know in your recovery process.
I will give you a few pointers to get you on the right track. In this post I am referring primarily to the consequences of narcissistic abuse. (To further your awareness of qualities of a narcissist, take a look at my article on the signs you’re in a relationship with a narcissist.)
The person from whom you’re trying to achieve distance can be a romantic partner, friend, parent, sibling, coworker or other kind of affiliation, so I’m not just referring to romantic relationships.
You’re not alone if you’ve been shaking your head, feeling incredibly self-loathing about how long it’s taken you to try to move on from this toxic relationship. It’s quite common for this to happen. Rather than judging yourself for it, try to channel this energy into understanding what you need at this point to move on. Achieving emotional (and hopefully physical) distance from the other party is the goal.
Lift the Mental Fog of Narcissistic Abuse
An often hard-to-describe experience both in and after a long-term abusive relationship is vague and deeply troubling sense of mental confusion, a cloudy headedness that can impact the recovery process. This mental fog is typically the result of prolonged exposure to abuse, especially when your sense of reality was chronically questioned and ignored, when you’ve been gaslighted and when you were made to feel shameful or wrong for the thoughts and feelings you had. A mental fog can make real life feel like it isn’t so real at all, a phenomenon akin to derealization. This can include the experience of watching your life from a distance as though you’re another person watching your life, something akin to the notion of depersonalization.
In addition, even when you’re removed from exposure to the the narcissistic abuser, it might feel like there is still a threat, or like you can’t believe the threat is no longer present or less present. You might still feel a sense of hyper-vigilance mixed with a brain fog. There could be moments where you kind of shake your head and say to yourself, “I can’t believe this person doesn’t have access to me any more.” Or when the abusive cycle becomes blatantly clear, “I can’t believe I was in that!”
Be prepared for some people in your support network to seem confused when you describe this mental fog. It’s hard for people to wrap their minds around the idea. Therapy can be incredibly helpful for clearing the fog and making greater sense of who you are outside of the abusive cycle. As a psychologist in NYC who has worked with clients in so many varying situations involving narcissistic abuse, I have notice that the mental fog and exhaustion often starts to lift when there is a combination of sense of safety, an experience of learning more about one’s own needs, values and personal goals separate from the relationship, as well as a developing narrative for the relationship that offers greater perspective and a shifting of the blame away from the self.
Conquer Self-Doubt – The Weapon of the Narcissist
You may find that you’re constantly questioning yourself in and after your relationship with a narcissist. Making simple decisions can feel confusing and draining. This is at least partially because the weapon of the narcissist is self-doubt. The narcissist “wins” when you doubt yourself. It has let them get away with behaviors that only served their interest. Narcissists feed off of you questioning your own intentions. As long as you feel like a bad, helpless or dependent person, the narcissist is free to weave his or her own narrative for the two of you and make your decisions for you.
Since self-doubt is a natural state of mind for all of us, it can be tricky to separate what is human from what is narcissistic abuse. Narcissistic abuse recovery is about learning how to control this default mode of self-doubt, most notably by separating what is the narcissists voice in you from your own. But in order to do this properly, you need to explore who you are and what matters to YOU, separate from the relationship.
Rediscover Who You Are and What Matters to You
In the first therapy session, many clients who have suffered from narcissistic abuse say, “I don’t know who I am.” Therapy for narcissistic abuse is about exploring identity questions on multiple levels. Now that you have greater safety, you’re likely to also have more mental bandwidth for reminding yourself of who you are separate from the painful relationship you’ve endured.
It is quite common for people who have been exposed to a narcissist over a long period of time to feel incredibly confused in the process of rediscovering likes and dislikes, what feels healthy and toxic, what you “deserves” in contrast with what the narcissist led you believe you deserve, your values, personal goals and much more.
Self-exploration is much safer and more interesting when you’re also curious about learning to managing the guilt, shame and fear imbued in you (and reinforced over a long period of time) by someone with narcissistic tendencies.
Clarify What You Think You Deserve
Narcissists have a very painful way of teaching people what they deserve. The narcissist’s tendency to blame others for their problems and play the victim when they are finally held accountable puts a very heavy burden on the recipient of the person who was mistreated.
Therapy can help you unburden yourself from guilt and shame, which makes the process of discovering or reconnecting with your sense of value and worth more achievable. This process will lay the foundation for understanding and setting boundaries in future relationships or with the narcissist if you still have to interact with the narcissist, such as in the case of shared custody of children.
Commit to Creating Stronger Boundaries
Personal boundaries create clarity and safety in relationships. You’re essentially communicating to people, “This is what I’m willing to do and what I’m not willing to do.” It comes from a space of valuing your self, including your mental health, time, and effort.
Relationships with people who don’t respect your boundaries deserve to be reevaluated for how much of an investment you need make in the future.
Boundaries give you mental freedom. They protect you from mistreatment. They signal to you what matters to you. They remind you of your self-worth.
I help clients to do this work and I sincerely enjoy the process. Feel free to reach out with any questions.
All the best to you!
Greg Kushnick
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Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Therapy in NYC: What to Expect
In my years of experience as a psychologist in NYC, I have come to the conclusion that the hardest part of therapy for people who have endured narcissistic abuse from a romantic partner, parent, sibling or boss, is actually starting therapy in the first place.
Everything else seems to unfold with greater ease once the process begins. It’s as though everything you’ve endured in an abusive relationship with a narcissist has created a wave of resistance, an uphill climb through self-doubt, guilt, shame and confusion that dilutes any effort to take care of your mind and body. However, once you place yourself in a safe therapeutic space for processing the abuse with an experienced psychologist, something shifts.
An amazing thing happens. You start to learn who you are separate from the abusive relationship. You see the tactics of the narcissist more clearly and you start to respond differently. You learn how to begin to set better boundaries that give you a sense of mental freedom and control. You feel like you have more of a sense of choice. Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Therapy can change your life if you let. I have seen the effects over my 20+ years as an NYC psychotherapist and it’s remarkable.
I’ll Meet You Where You’re At
I will support you at whatever stage you’re at in the relationship. Some people come to therapy needing help to leave an abusive relationship. Others have already left and are needing assistance with the fallout of the separation. And some people have decided to stay in a relationship with the narcissist because of other factors like the presence of shared children or a work situation they cannot yet end. I will meet you where you are. No judgment. Let’s help you to get a handle on the difficult aspects of exposure to narcissistic abuse.
Manage Shame and Self-Doubt
The main psychological weapon of choice for narcissistic individuals is self-doubt. As long as you are questioning yourself, foggy minded, ambivalent, confused and shameful, the narcissist has control. I help my clients come out from under this blanket of self-doubt. It’s so liberating when it happens and it’s one of the most gratifying parts of my job as a therapist who specializes in narcissistic abuse in New York.
Learn the Tactics of Narcissistic Abuse
I will make it easy for you to understand the specific tactics of the person who is manipulating and harming you. As a result, you will be more prepared with a variety of tactics for feeling more empowered to cope with actual exposure to this individual or memories of troubling interactions with this person. My methods tend to be quite effective, especially for clients who are motivated to create something better for themselves.
Discover Who You Are Separate from the Relationship- Find Yourself!
Therapy for narcissistic abuse involves trying to come to terms with the treatment you’ve endured at the hands of a narcissist, and in that process is figuring out who you are separate from the relationship. Years spent as the child of a narcissistic parent has most likely conditioned you to think about yourself, your value, your abilities in terms of how he or she wanted you to think and feel. The same goes for a spouse or shorter-term romantic partner. Therapy will help you plug in to who you are and who you want to be for yourself and the world.
I find this work incredibly fulfilling and I’d love to have the opportunity to help you.
For more information about me and my approach, please consider listening to The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast on narcissism on which I was a guest. Here is another the link to the podcast on Apple Podcasts.
If you’re not whether or not your partner is a narcissist, please take a look at my article on the signs of narcissism. As a therapist who specializes in narcissistic abuse recovery, I have seen so many different manifestations of abuse, so I am well-equipped to handle most issues related to narcissism.
Please feel free to reach out to me with any questions about getting started in therapy for narcissistic abuse in New York City. I offer in-person CBT therapy and online therapy from my Chelsea office.
All the best to you!!
Greg Kushnick
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