Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Therapy in NYC: What to Expect

In my years of experience as a psychologist in NYC, I have come to the conclusion that the hardest part of therapy for people who have endured narcissistic abuse from a romantic partner, parent, sibling or boss, is actually starting therapy in the first place.

Everything else seems to unfold with greater ease once the process begins. It’s as though everything you’ve endured in an abusive relationship with a narcissist has created a wave of resistance, an uphill climb through self-doubt, guilt, shame and confusion that dilutes any effort to take care of your mind and body. However, once you place yourself in a safe therapeutic space for processing the abuse with an experienced psychologist, something shifts.

An amazing thing happens. You start to learn who you are separate from the abusive relationship. You see the tactics of the narcissist more clearly and you start to respond differently. You learn how to begin to set better boundaries that give you a sense of mental freedom and control. You feel like you have more of a sense of choice. Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Therapy can change your life if you let. I have seen the effects over my 20+ years as an NYC psychotherapist and it’s remarkable.

I’ll Meet You Where You’re At

I will support you at whatever stage you’re at in the relationship. Some people come to therapy needing help to leave an abusive relationship. Others have already left and are needing assistance with the fallout of the separation. And some people have decided to stay in a relationship with the narcissist because of other factors like the presence of shared children or a work situation they cannot yet end. I will meet you where you are. No judgment. Let’s help you to get a handle on the difficult aspects of exposure to narcissistic abuse.

Manage Shame and Self-Doubt

The main psychological weapon of choice for narcissistic individuals is self-doubt. As long as you are questioning yourself, foggy minded, ambivalent, confused and shameful, the narcissist has control. I help my clients come out from under this blanket of self-doubt. It’s so liberating when it happens and it’s one of the most gratifying parts of my job as a therapist who specializes in narcissistic abuse in New York.

Learn the Tactics of Narcissistic Abuse

I will make it easy for you to understand the specific tactics of the person who is manipulating and harming you. As a result, you will be more prepared with a variety of tactics for feeling more empowered to cope with actual exposure to this individual or memories of troubling interactions with this person. My methods tend to be quite effective, especially for clients who are motivated to create something better for themselves.

Discover Who You Are Separate from the Relationship- Find Yourself!

Therapy for narcissistic abuse involves trying to come to terms with the treatment you’ve endured at the hands of a narcissist, and in that process is figuring out who you are separate from the relationship. Years spent as the child of a narcissistic parent has most likely conditioned you to think about yourself, your value, your abilities in terms of how he or she wanted you to think and feel. The same goes for a spouse or shorter-term romantic partner. Therapy will help you plug in to who you are and who you want to be for yourself and the world.

I find this work incredibly fulfilling and I’d love to have the opportunity to help you.

For more information about me and my approach, please consider listening to The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast on narcissism on which I was a guest. Here is another the link to the podcast on Apple Podcasts.

If you’re not whether or not your partner is a narcissist, please take a look at my article on the signs of narcissism. As a therapist who specializes in narcissistic abuse recovery, I have seen so many different manifestations of abuse, so I am well-equipped to handle most issues related to narcissism.

Please feel free to reach out to me with any questions about getting started in therapy for narcissistic abuse in New York City. I offer in-person CBT therapy and online therapy from my Chelsea office.

All the best to you!!

Greg Kushnick

Social Anxiety Treatment in NYC: Your Questions Answered

Hi there. I’m Dr. Greg Kushnick, a psychologist in NYC who treats clients with social anxiety on a daily basis. I truly enjoy helping my clients to overcome their social struggles and I strive to offer the most effective methods for treatment of social anxiety. I hope you learn something new from the information provided below. Please don’t hesitate to contact me with any questions. All the best!

All About Social Anxiety Treatment

Do I have social anxiety?

Do you often avoid social situations? Are you mentally uncomfortable when you’re socializing, to the point where you’re preoccupied with saying the wrong thing, making a fool of yourself, being rejected or becoming revealed as a fraud? Do you often beat yourself up after socializing and find yourself ruminating about something you said that may have been interpreted the wrong way? Do you need to drink alcohol every tine you socialize? A “yes” to any of the above-mentioned questions suggests that social anxiety might be preventing you from living a more fulfilling life. Here is a short screening for social anxiety.

…But isn’t it normal to be anxious before and during social situations? 

It is certainly normal– up to a point. We all experience nervousness before and during certain social situations. It really depends on how much the anxiety leads to avoidance, rumination, self-loathing and an inability to gain a sense of connection and fulfillment from your social engagements. Everyone has a weak spot when it comes to socializing. For example, you might be comfortable in most social situations, but when it comes to connecting with your high school or college friends, you feel extreme anxiety and discomfort. Social anxiety is considered a problem if it leads to significant and chronic avoidance of social opportunities or extreme anxiety that doesn’t subside while socializing, and it gets in the way of feeling connected to people and socially fulfilled.

What is important to know about coping with social anxiety in New York City?

New York City culture celebrates social performance. That translates into pressure. Pressure to seem like you have your life figured out, pressure to succeed and keep up with your peers, pressure to make lots of money. It’s so easy to slip into the mindset that everyone else is doing better than you are. That’s a typical cognitive distortion. Relieving yourself of some amount of social pressure can help you feel less anxious.

What is the best exercise for social anxiety?

Where should I go if I have social anxiety?

How do I tell if I’m socially anxious, depressed, or both?

Well, one distinction that some people find helpful is to think of anxiety as the anticipation that a catastrophe will occur in the future, as opposed to depression, which is the sense that a catastrophe has already occurred in the past. Do you tend to worry that something bad will happen to you, or that something has been already lost? The truth is that anxiety and depression often coexist. This is because social avoidance tends to lead to rumination, which tends to include thoughts about failure, embarrassment, shame and negative self-worth.

These negative thoughts and feelings promote more avoidance. Also, people justify social avoidance by the relief they believe they will feel by steering clear of a chance to have negative beliefs verified through negative social interaction. No one wants proof of their darkest thoughts about themselves, so avoidance serves a powerful short-term purpose. Long term, however, depression can set in if social engagements are chronically avoided, as a sense of helplessness and negative self-worth can take over if there isn’t positive social feedback or appropriate outlets to gain a healthy perspective about how social anxiety makes you think, feel and act.

Many people are just anxious or just depressed. Some people give themselves enough social wins and opportunities for connectedness to avoid getting depressed, despite their intense social discomfort. If you have low self-worth and you frequently interpret social interactions in the service of verifying your negative beliefs, then chances are you will develop depressive tendencies over time. If you frequently leave social situations feeling like a failure, embarrassed or shamed, the tendency to avoid will promote depression, and the tendency to push forward and keep striving for better experiences will be a buffer against depression.

Perfectionistic tendencies can also play a role in social anxiety and depression. (See below.)

CBT for Social Anxiety in New York City

We all have a need to connect with others. This basic human need can be a source of mental discomfort if we have obstacles preventing us from placing ourselves in opportunities to gain social fulfillment.

Social anxiety is a common experience, but for many New Yorkers, especially people who lean toward a high achievement/high control-type of personality, social anxiousness can reach incredibly uncomfortable levels that promote avoidance of potentially satisfying experiences and relationships. Social anxiety disorder (SAD), also referred to as social phobia, is a label that is given when the anxiety has a debilitating impact on your life. I’m not a huge fan of labels, but sometimes they are helpful for making distinctions and identifying the best course of treatment. Social phobia is sometimes used to refer to unrealistic fears regarding a specific social scenario.

The tricky part of social anxiety is that avoidance often becomes the default way of coping. Of course, mild avoidance of social situations can be helpful, as it allows for time to sit with one’s thoughts and recover from a stressful week or a particularly exhausting experience. However, more persistent avoidance of social situations leads to a vicious cycle of greater avoidance and self-loathing/self-criticism.

When you actively avoid social situations (or use significant amounts of alcohol to cope with social situations), you experience relief from the feared scenario of having to endure extreme discomfort, a panic attack, potential rejection or failure. However, for many people there is also an equally uncomfortable or even worse feeling of discomfort that comes with the failure to socialize.

People often judge themselves harshly and feel remorse about missing an opportunity. Taking away opportunities for social connection only reinforces negative beliefs about the self. In addition, I have found that chronic social avoidance caused by social anxiety also leads to varying amounts of depression, ranging from a mild case of the blues to more severe and debilitating depressive experiences that affect daily life in profound ways.

CBT Therapy for Social Anxiety

The good news is that therapy for social anxiety can be very effective. I find that clients seem to benefit more when I incorporate cognitive behavioral therapy (or CBT therapy for short) tools into my approach. Exposure therapy for social anxiety disorder is added to the treatment as needed.

Put another way, successful treatment of social anxiety via CBT therapy requires a few components:

1. A cognitive approach that emphasizes altering thinking errors and unrealistic self-standards, and reduces self-criticism and rumination.
2. A behavioral/coaching approach that focuses on reducing unhelpful emotional responses and increasing exposure to social situations, while using feedback gleaned from new social experiences to inform efforts to alter problematic beliefs and standards.

Managing Social Anxiety in NYC

New York City culture amplifies the importance of social success and performance. The most socially successful people are celebrated in real life and on social media, which creates pressure, shame, FOMO, fears of losing one’s job, and a lot of other uncomfortable thoughts for many people.

Frankly, it’s just a whole lot of pressure to be social in NYC.

Since the pandemic ended, I have seen a significant increase in the number of clients requesting CBT therapy for social anxiety/phobia. It seems as though the stakes are even higher in a post-pandemic NYC where many people are working remotely at least part of the workweek, which limits opportunities for true social connection and places people in their own heads for a greater portion of the day, as opposed to directing energy toward others.

This closed system of chewing on your own thoughts in place of in-person social exposure appears to make thoughts of self-doubt, rejection and avoidance run wild.

Effective Social Anxiety Treatment in NYC

I’m here to help you with your social anxiety. If you’re searching for a psychologist for yourself or for a loved one, an experienced CBT therapist can make a huge difference in helping to reduce social anxiety and avoidance.

Feel free to reach out with any questions regarding therapy for social anxiety. I love what I do and I am happy to work with you or your loved one.

All the best,

Greg Kushnick

11 Things You Need to Know About Starting Therapy in NYC

What Exactly Does a Clinical Psychologist Do?

Find out exactly what a clinical psychologist does. Here are some commonly asked questions regarding the role of a clinical psychologist in New York City.

What is the role of a clinical psychologist?

A clinical psychologist works with people to improve their social, emotional, mental and behavioral problems. First, a clinical psychologist conducts an assessment of the problem to arrive at a diagnosis via interviews, observation and sometimes psychological testing. Next, they create a treatment plan with the client and help them to identify goals that the client wants to work on. Then, the clinical psychologist carries out psychological treatment to help the client achieve the goals. Progress is monitored over the course of treatment.

I have been conducting psychotherapy in New York City for over 20 years. One benefit of being a clinical psychologist, as opposed to other types of therapists in NYC, is that my clinical doctoral training in assessment and diagnosis tends to be more extensive than what is offered in most other mental health degree programs.

Some clinical psychologists do research, teach or consult for organizations/businesses to solve systemic and individual issues.

Is the job of a clinical psychologist in New York City different than that in other places?

The role of clinical psychologists in New York City is generally the same as that in other parts of the country. However, there are a few subtle but important differences when compared to clinical psychologists in New York State or other places.

First, in NYC clinical psychologists tend to be more trained in working with people from diverse backgrounds. The amazing diversity of NYC’s population necessitates that New York City clinical psychologists have an added sensitivity to people with alternative lifestyles and varied backgrounds.

Second, the fast-paced speed of everyday life, the noise, the lack of space and the general pressure to achieve success makes New York City a challenging place to live. As a Manhattan clinical psychologist, I am frequently helping people manage their career achievement needs and the stress generated from wanting to “make it big” here in New York. As a result, I have the honor of working with some incredibly ambitious people who are changing the world.

Third, it is my belief that a New York City clinical psychologist also helps people cope with the lack of a sense of community in the city. Other parts of the country have more of a community feel. The absence of community creates the potential for feeling a sense of emptiness, isolation and loneliness, especially when you are new to NYC. A clinical psychologist in New York City who has been in practice for a long time must know how to help patients cope with this kind of challenge.

Please note that other kinds of NYC psychotherapists with lots of clinical experience also learn to help people manage the unique combination of isolation and pressure found in New York City.

What is the Difference Between a Therapist and a Psychologist?

A therapist is a generic term for any mental health clinician who meets face-to-face (or online) with patients to alleviate their emotional suffering. Be careful though. There are also many types of therapists that are not associated with mental health, such as a physical therapist, speech therapist and occupational therapist.

A psychologist is a type of therapist, one with the most rigorous training out of all the types of mental health therapists.  Psychologists tend to have more years of clinical training and more hours of supervision and clinical experience even before they graduate from their program.

How long does it take to become a clinical psychologist?

In order to become a clinical psychologist, you need to complete your Bachelor’s Degree first. Some clinical psychologist also complete a two-year Master’s Program in Counseling or a related mental health field before their clinical psychology doctoral program. However, clinical psychology doctoral program students are awarded a Master’s Degree after two years and them they continue on for their doctorate.

Overall, a doctorate in clinical psychology can take between 4-7 years, sometimes even longer. There are three years of graduate classes during which doctoral students are completing supervised clinical training (aka externships) in various mental health settings, such as a hospital, clinic or school counseling center. Once the coursework is complete, the doctoral student has to complete a one-year internship in an accredited mental health setting. After the internship the doctorate is awarded. Then the new psychologist must complete  about 2000 hours of post-graduate training before receiving a license in a particular state. Please note that the information provided here varies greatly across states in the US. Please see here for more on the topic.

What is the difference between a psychologist and a clinical psychologist?

A psychologist is a general term for a professional who went to a doctoral program in psychology. A clinical psychologist is an expert in the human mind that attended an accredited doctoral program in clinical psychology. Clinical psychologists also work directly with human subjects. In other words, clinical psychologists work with clients. Other non-clinical psychologists may draw from the same knowledge based but they do not necessarily work directly with clients.

There are other types of psychologists, including industrial psychologists, social psychologists, forensic psychologists and sports psychologists.

Do you need a doctorate to be a clinical psychologist?

Yes, you need a doctoral degree to be a clinical psychologist. You can get a Doctor of Psychology (PsyD) degree or a Doctor of Philosophy in Psychology (PhD) degree in order to be a psychologist.

In some mental health settings, I have seen people loosely use the word “psychologist” to refer to the mental health clinician on staff regardless of their degree, but the true definition of the role implies earning a doctorate in psychology.

What is a PsyD ?

A PsyD or Psy.D. represents a “doctor of psychology,” which is a practitioner’s degree in clinical, counseling or school psychology). In contrast to a PhD, the training you receive at a PsyD program tends to involve more clinical training and more hours of supervised face-to-face interaction with patients. There are probably exceptions. Phd programs in clinical psychology tend to have more of a research focus. While a lot more PhDs are hired for teaching roles, PsyDs are hired as well in universities.

In my PsyD program I received extensive training in clinical psychology, conducted hundreds of hours of supervised psychotherapy AND I wrote a PhD-level dissertation. It was not my original intention to create such a mammoth dissertation, and you generally do not have to write a huge dissertation in a PsyD program. It can be a more contained project.

Is a clinical psychologist a doctor?

Yes, a clinical psychologist is considered a doctor of psychology (not to be confused with an MD, or medical doctor.

What is the difference between a clinical psychologist, a clinical social worker, a mental health counselor and a marriage and family therapist?

A clinical social worker (LCSW) helps people to cope with emotional, behavioral and mental issues, but the training does not include as much emphasis on assessment and diagnosis as compared to a clinical psychology doctoral program. Many LCSWs take their education a step further by attending extensive training programs in specific areas following the completion of their clinical hours for licensure. Social workers receive impressive training in understanding and navigating through various systems that interact with the individual. See here for more on this degree.

A mental health counselor is a Master’s Degree in Mental Health Counseling. See here for more on this degree.

A marriage and family therapist (LMFT) is a specialized degree that focuses primarily on marital and family counseling. There is also training in individual therapy. See here for more on this degree.

What is the difference between clinical psychologists and psychiatrists in New York State?

A clinical psychologist is a PhD or PsyD helps alleviate emotional suffering via various forms of talk therapy.

A psychiatrist is a Medical Doctor (M.D.) who went on to specialize in psychiatry. Psychiatrists tend to work with people who are grappling with more serious forms of emotional suffering, but not always. Some psychiatrists also conduct psychotherapy. They tend to lean toward medication as the solution for emotional problems.

Clinical psychologists in New York State are not permitted to prescribe medication. Nor do they do not receive any formal training in prescribing medication.

Thank you for taking the time to read this. Please feel free to reach out to me with any questions about the field of clinical psychology or to get started in therapy.

A New York Psychologist Shares 18 Ways to Overcome Mask Anxiety

During this unique time we’ve had to adjust to life behind a face mask. The world outside your window has changed, which necessitates a shift in the way you protect our physical and mental health.

While casual use of a mask in open spaces is generally easier to manage, many of us are experiencing uncomfortable levels of anxiety, even panic, while wearing a mask around others, especially as we transition toward slightly increased exposure to more people and places.

Uncertain times like these demand increased confidence in our physical and psychological protection as we encounter real or imagined danger. Below you’ll find 18 great tips for overcoming mask anxiety.

18 Ways to Reduce Mask Anxiety

1. Take your self-talk to the next level.

Remind yourself 20 times during each outdoor journey that you’re going to be ok. Literally, say to yourself. “No matter what happens, I’m going to be ok.” This self-talk may boost your immune system by giving you an enhanced sense of control during this strange time.

2. Wear your mask at home for short periods of time.

Let the mask feel like it can be a part of you. Dance with your mask. Listen to music. Take selfies. Do whatever makes the mask feel like your mask is a part of you.

3. Remind yourself of your free will to choose.

If your anxiety spikes during a mask-wearing outing, keep telling yourself different choices you’re making in real time. Say, “I choose to…” For example, if you’re about to turn right on as you approach a perpendicular street, tell yourself, “I choose to turn right.” Repeat this for the smallest of choices. Consciously exercising your free will to make choices reduces a perception of powerlessness and increases a sense of personal agency.

4. Strive to better understand your triggers.

Pay attention to the situations that trigger your anxiety. Keep a log of each bout of mask anxiety. A note on your phone will suffice. For each occurrence, write down where it occurred, what you were thinking at the time, rate your anxiety from 1-10 and remind yourself of what you did to calm down. Read over your notes. Talk through your triggers with trusted loved ones and a mental health professional.

5. Practice breathing techniques with and without your mask on.

The more you practice bringing your breathing under control, the easier it will be to self-soothe when you’re feeling anxious with a mask on. Do relaxation exercises at home with your mask on. Here’s an example of a anxiety-reducing relaxation exercise you can try.

6. Practice visualization exercises to simulate wearing a mask in real life.

Picture yourself wearing a mask in different environments that represent varying levels of stress. Begin with the least stressful environment you can imagine encountering and rehearse relaxation exercises to calm your breath. See yourself as relaxed in your mind’s eye. Then move on to visualize more stressful places where a mask may be a challenge.

7. Give your mask a name.

Build a nice relationship with your mask by naming it. Talk to it. Reason with it. Laugh at it and with it. Relate to it as a friend. “Buddy, I gotta loosen you. You’re too uptight.”

8. Consciously send healing vibes to people you see.

Focus your thoughts on how your mask is protecting the people around you. Wish each person well as they pass you by. Transmit thoughts of love and healing. We’re all struggling these days. Bringing your attention to other people’s well-being can get you outside of your own anxiety. Tell them in your mind that you’re protecting them. The world desperately needs your good vibes and sense of social responsibility to heal.

9. Think of the children.

Remind yourself of the children you’re potentially saving by wearing a mask. Imagine kids thanking you in their cute little voices. Step outside of your suffering by picturing their smiles of gratitude. You’re making a sacrifice by being so uncomfortable.

10. Embrace the anonymity.

Your mask offers you a level of public anonymity that you’ve probably never experienced before. A teenager told me he likes to think of himself as a ninja when he wears his mask. Find a fascinating angle on mask anonymity. Embrace temporary hiding out. Enlist your imagination.

11. Get angry at your anxiety.

This is not my first choice compared to the other anxiety reduction techniques, but some people find it effective. Anger is the flip side of anxiety. You can’t feel both at the same time. Focus on how annoying your anxiety can be. Talk back to your anxiety. Yell at it in your mind. Tell it that it can’t control you.

12. Try name calling. That is, give your anxiety a name.

Naming your anxiety reminds you that anxiety is not all of you: rather, it’s a part of you. This anxiety reduction technique represents another way to increase your sense of control in the face of uncertainty, similar to my recommendation to get angry about your anxiety. Call your anxiety a person’s name and let it know how you feel. There’s something comical in this, but it can work if you buy into this technique. “Herbert, you suck! Go away!”

13. Find the humor in your situation.

I know that there’s nothing funny about all of the tragedy that the Covid-19 virus has inflicted on the world, but for survival’s sake, look for what funny about a given situation. Laughter can be neutralizer of mask anxiety. I think about the inevitably awkward moments that this pandemic has created. How would Larry David respond to a scenario you find yourself in? George Costanza? Kramer? The Modern Family characters? What about your favorite comedic characters?

14. Wear a funny, protective mask.

There are plenty of masks for sale with slogans that will give you and strangers a good chuckle. Knowing that you’re delivering humor to the world may help you feel less anxious with your mask on.

15. Make your mask a fashion statement.

If a humorous mask isn’t your thing, then can you make it about fashion? A few masks that match your clothing can go a long way. I wouldn’t make this recommendation if we weren’t in the midst of a global pandemic, but a little style can go a long way for easing your mask anxiety.

16. Online therapy = an anxiety game changer.

Seeking out an online therapist in a global pandemic is a sign of massive strength. Work on lowering your anxiety from the comfort of your own home with an online therapist. This experience can improve more than mask anxiety. Online therapy for anxiety with the right mental health professional can give you the perspective you need to understand and control your triggers, as well as the less obvious influences on your anxiety.

17. Imagine a light around you that protects you.

Imagine a blue light protecting you from all danger. Focus your energy on this force field. Picture a round aura protecting you. Send love to it. Repeat to yourself in a loving and confident voice, “I am protected.” This exercise is no joke. Creating a reminder of your safety can reduce your anxiety.

18. Start a creative, mask-related phone or video project.

Talk to yourself on camera about what you’re going through. Document this time in your life so that future generations can see what you endured. Share your wisdom from lessons learned. Creative projects lower anxiety.

18 Ways to Avoid Sabotaging Your Happiness: A New Guide

Welcome to the ultimate happiness guide!

I’m going to teach you how to be happy by focusing on everyday habits that may be hurting you more than you realize. I tend to be concrete in my approach to helping people overcome obstacles preventing happiness from shining through. In fact, there’s usually an easy solution to every habit that harms your happiness. It’s just a matter of taking the time to look inward and think about your everyday behavior. Most habits are on autopilot, but they can be switched to manual if you’re motivated to make small but consistent changes to the way you conduct your day.

A Bit About Why We Sabotage Our Happiness

Happiness is something you have to learn how to accept. Otherwise, you will self-sabotage. You default sense of self dictates whether or not you believe you deserve happiness. At your psychological epicenter you maintain core beliefs about your worth, and for many of us these beliefs are distorted so badly that we reject anything good that happens because they’re not in sync with how we feel about ourselves.

Modern technological advances don’t help matters either. The lightning-fast availability of our phones further warps our relationship with happiness. Think about it — your phone allows you to feel like you can escape psychological pain on a moment’s notice and control your world by directing all of your focus to a tiny little, satisfying screen. You jump around your apps looking for anything that sufficiently satisfies your need for stimulation or escape. This habit, repeated 100 times a day, makes life outside of your phone less satisfying.

A Fix for 18 Happiness-Stealing Habits

Below are 18 problems and fixes. Tweaking the ones you relate to can skyrocket your happiness potential.

1. You’re afraid to make a big change that’s weighing on your conscience.

There’s so many directions I can go here. It all depends on what you fear would happen if you actually pursued what you REALLY want. What are you fearing will happen if you make the change you crave? Do you have an accurate view of your ability to cope with the psychological pain that this change will bring? Yes, you can survive for many years like this, but do you really want to? As far as your relationship is concerned, there’s always room for improvement if you want to be with him or her long term.

Your next move toward happiness: Start by working on overcoming resentment toward your partner, listening with (and modeling) a higher quality of attention and promoting open communication about the state of the union. If your job totally sucks, can you self-educate via online courses to build additional skills that will appeal to potential, new employers? Set a timeline for yourself with a commitment to making a switch if your job doesn’t improve. Are you even in the right career that matches your strengths and personality. Consider a few sessions with a career counselor and pick the brain of a professor, headhunter, or a person with knowledge of a field that speaks to you.

2. You think about money way too often. (In the pandemic this is less applicable)

Who doesn’t want more money? We all do, but some people are completely preoccupied with the pursuit of material wealth. An obsession with money detracts steals your life force from most areas of life that require your investment…your ability to value your relationships, the simple joys in life and so much more. But the real problem with constantly wanting more money is how it impacts your fantasy world and your interpretation of your everyday reality.

Your daydreams about what you’ll do with more money create an idealized state of existence that can never actually be experienced. In other words, frequent fantasies about money create a huge discrepancy between what you expect life will be like with more money and the ACTUAL experience of wealth should you gain greater wealth. Even worse, your current reality is steadily downgraded every time you dream of some other financial reality. You’re essentially feeding yourself the idea that life sucks now.

Your next move toward happiness: So what’s the cure, Doc? It’s not a cliche that the best happiness boosters cost nothing. Force yourself to cut back on fantasies about wealth. Think of good times with friends. Dream of your hobbies. Focus more on having a healthy mind and body. One more important point: Your view of money is usually a product of your upbringing. Consider therapy to examine your relationship with money and any unhealthy family influences. The Bottom line: The less you fantasize about money, the more it will buy you happiness. 

3. You’re too obsessed with changing yourself, which is making you stay the same.

Ok, now this might seem to contradict what I said about the importance of committing to personal growth, but I mean something different here. Happiness becomes severely limited when you’re preoccupied with changing something about yourself. The most common type of change addiction has to do with weight loss. People who diet constantly are highly prone to limiting happiness because they have trouble celebrating the reality of their existence. Change addiction actually keeps you the same. To make a change you usually have to come from a place of love or fear. If change is generated by self-loathing or low self-esteem, then you will inevitably undo whatever efforts you make to change. Your mind and body need a break from change, and self-acceptance is that place of peace and strength.

Your next move toward happiness: A desire to change requires self-love. You can love your body AND want to lose weight. If you’re trying to cut back on alcohol consumption, you can treat yourself nicely in other ways during the process. If you’re trying to stop smoking, you can work on creating other self-loving habits that promote health and wellness. Work on your self-talk. What do you say in your head that’s mean and degrading? For every three moments of wanting something else, force yourself to think about the things you currently love about yourself with regard to the quality you want to change. Don’t wait for some horrible event to be the motivating force behind change. You’ll regret it.

4. Too many things make you feel guilty.

Guilt is a dangerous emotion. It’s the equivalent of two opposing forces acting upon you at the same time, with the net effect being that you suffer in a powerless and painful state of non-action. One side of you says, “I should really do this.” I have news for you. Most thoughts that start with the phrase “I should” do much more harm than good. Should-thoughts are paralyzing and they RARELY lead to action. (See Albert Ellis, an amazing psychologist who perfected the theory around the shoulds.) If the shouldsrepresent one force that destroy your ability to act to resolve a problem, the other side of the equation is the shame and disgust that you feel about not doing what you think needs to get done. You ruminate about the potential consquences of what you’ve done or failed to deal with and it freezes you. The end result is obsessing about what you should do while feeling terrible about yourself, which hurts you on so many levels because ultimately, you’re stuck feeling the psychological weight of something unfinished and messy. Why? Here’s the answer….

Your next move toward happiness: Feeling guilty implies that you owe a debt to yourself or someone else before you can authorize yourself to be happy. Ask yourself (or a few well-respected people) if you truly owe a debt. Examples of a debt unpaid are usually either about (1) avoidance, such as ignoring the texts of someone you need to apologize to or avoiding checking your bank account for any unwanted recurring subscriptions or (2) breaking a commitment, such as neglecting your need for “me time” when you have children who depend on you. Maybe you’ve already payed your debt and never fully acknowledged it to yourself. If you think you’re still in debt, pay it! But if you can conclude that no owe nuttin’ to no one, then you’re having what’s considered “false guilt,” which necessitates that you tell yourself 30 times that you have no reason to feel guilt and act accordingly. New mothers are at high risk for this problem.

5. You’ve forgotten how to sit with your own thoughts.

If you can’t be with yourself — uncomfortable thoughts and all — why would someone want to be around you? Do you jump from one vice to another? One app to another? One news site to another? Do you have the patience to sit for five minutes away from your phone? Can you avoid TV for a night?

Your next move toward happiness: Commit to a longer process of developing your spiritual side, which promotes patience and self-acceptance. Read or listen to books by Thich Nhat Hanh and Pema Chodron. Essentially, you’re probably having difficulty sitting with your thoughts for a long enough period of time. The goal is to recognize that just because you think you need something right now doesn’t mean you have to have it. Interference that prevents you from constantly satisfying your needs can be helpful over the long run. Spend time with someone who can inspire you to figure out which slower-to-develop, longer-lasting happiness generators you can invest in.

6. You can’t shake the nasty habit of procrastination.

If you can relate to this, I’m going to venture a guess and say that you fear failure…and possibly even success (getting what you actually want). Add bad habits to a fear of failure and you have the recipe for avoidance. Think of procrastination as a crafty way to make sure that life verifies your negative qualities.

Your next move toward happiness: First some practical advice. Have you ever heard of functional procrastination? It means doing something not directly related to what needs to get done, but an action that will make you feel like you’re taking care of some other task in the spirit of gaining a sense of personal control. For example, if you need to send an important work email but you just can’t bring yourself to do it, try cleaning the kitchen counter, starting your laundry or cleaning off the top layer of mess on your desk. This allows you to feel more productive and reduces the shame and self-doubt associated with avoidance.

If that doesn’t help, do the task you’re avoiding in your head while engaging in functional procrastination. As far as the email example is concerned, you would construct the email in your head while you’re making basketballs out of useless mail cluttering your desk. Trust me. You’ll feel better about yourself and it will make the dreaded email feel less dreadful.

On a psychological and internal level, strive to have the humility to accept that you need outside help to create better habits and dispel your irrational beliefs about failure. Therapy can be helpful. The risk is that you’ll actually achieve the change you’ve always wanted. Ultimately, you must face what you’re constantly trying to avoid. Keep a log of new events that you want to avoid. Write down all of your beliefs about why you want to avoid. Dispute each belief with or without a mental health professional. Time how long it takes you to face what you’re running from and try to repeat your successes in future scenarios.

7. You believe you should only do what you love.

Ahh. I love the Millennial-esque “DO WHAT YOU LOVE” mentality. It’s a sexy idea, but if you organize too much of your belief system around this purist notion, you’re in big trouble. Why? Because life is not that easy. You will frequently have to do things you DON’T want to do. That’s life! It all boils down to expectations. If you set your expectations too high in the wrong places, it’s a huge setup for disappointment.

Your next move toward happiness: Manage your expectations for how much you’re supposed to love working. I’m not saying you should self-handicap to avoid letdowns. Of course, it’s healthy to aim for a career trajectory in which you’ll eventuallycall the shots and have other people do what you can’t stand. Life becomes so much easier if you train yourself to find value in facing adversity and you push yourself to go one extra step into the land of mental discomfort just to train your mind and body to be stronger.

Learn to love a good challenge even if the task isn’t your favorite. And know that success brings new expectations and obligations that will inevitably take you further from the work tasks you’ve enjoyed the most.

8. You don’t allow yourself to celebrate the little things that make you happier.

What do you consider a reason to celebrate? Are your expectations too high? Your long term health and happiness depends on your ability to shift out of a serious mentality and laugh at life…and celebrate.

Your next move toward happiness: Begin by searching for the smallest increments of happiness — any sign. Create a dance, sing your favorite song, shadow box, karate kick the air…do anything physical or dramatic, even if no one else sees, that celebrates mini-successes. Even more importantly, create a note in your phone that lists every single accomplishment or victory, small or large. Keep adding to it and rereading it. Let yourself re-experience your successes and pat yourself on the back no matter what it is. I don’t care if it’s about not picking your cuticles on the subway or only eating half of a muffin you don’t want to be eating. Just celebrate ANYTHING! Please note that I’m not promoting finding any reason to drink alcohol. I’m referring to healthy forms of celebration.

9. You’re a “yes, but” happiness minimizer.

Some people can acknowledge it when their mood improves but they’re hellbent on protecting themselves from fully embracing it. If you often say, “Yes, but” when you have reason to be happy, the feeling is probably not sticking around long enough to register in your mind and body. Deep down you believe there are risks to being happy. The “Debbie Downer” in you is addicted to shooting down and flattening happiness.

Your next move toward happiness: The fix here is simple. Challenge yourself not to put into language the “but” part of the sentence. Don’t let that thought enter the atmosphere. Sometimes avoiding giving bad thoughts life helps you to avoid investing in them. Follow the celebratory advice from #5.

10. You’re constantly shopping online.

I love buying stuff on Amazon as much as you do, but if we don’t have a system of checks and balances, then it rarely feels like we have what we need to be happy.

Your next move toward happiness: Pay attention to how often you think about buying things you don’t have right now. Regulate the amount of time you shop online. I’m positive that if you’re shopping online on a daily basis, it’s covering up some wildly neglected or avoided aspect of your life. Are you delaying sending your resume to potential employers? Is your relationship in dire need of more honest communication that would lead to a more powerful connection? The key is to tell yourself 10 times a day, “I’m rich because I have everything I need.” Live it. Breathe it. Believe it. Life will feel more “full” if what you have is celebrated more often.

11. Your phone has hijacked your happiness.

As I mentioned above, your phone may be making you miserable on multiple levels. Often times, its impact is indirect. Phones teach you to value immediate gratification over waiting for something good. They promote “bonding” with your friends via text rather than in person, which deprives you of true human bonding that serves as a protective factor against depression. A phone’s worst crime is that it makes you forget how to simply exist in your own head with your own thoughts, which is a major requirement for happiness. Do you need your phone to be part of every segment of the day?

Your next move toward happiness: If you’re in a relationship, it’s important to assess whether or not you’re choosing to be on your phone at night when your relationship is in desperate need of quality time minus screens. What is the quality of attention you and your partner pay to each other? Do you try to listen while you’re looking at your phone? Commit to time with the people you love and put your phone away. Here’s the challenge:Turn off your phone or keep your it in another room for 30-minute segments of time, even once a day. When you transition from one place to another, such as walking to the train after work, see if you can avoid your phone until you’ sit down. Good luck.

12. You undervalue the importance of personal growth and goals.

I’ll be blunt. If you don’t believe in the importance of doing things to better yourself, then you’ll never be happy. You’re lying to yourself if you disagree with me.

Your next move toward happiness: Focus on who you are for people. What do people get when they spend time with you? What is your gift to the world? Ask someone close to you if you’re not sure. Commit to offering the world something and strive to make corrections when you’re not providing the world this gift. Aside from who you want to BE, what do you want to accomplish in life that isn’t about money, power or titles? Do you nurture your spiritual self or do you avoid anything labeled “spiritual?” Ask a friend to set goals together and hold each other accountable. Create short and long-term goals. Make sure some goals involve hobbies and fun interests.

13. You think you can predict the future and it’s always a grim forecast.

When anxiety meets negativity it compels you to predict that bad things will happen. Negative forecasting makes you grieve painful outcomes before they occur, which leaves almost no room for positivity and hope. This is a devastating form of self-sabotage. It makes people risk averse and less mindful in the present moment. Psychologically speaking, forecasting negative events is way to protect yourself from potentially negative emotional states in case something bad happens. In truth, you’re no more prepared to deal with disappointment just because you guessed something bad might happen. Ruminating about future pain or disappointment is meant to give you a sense of control or mastery…but it doesn’t!

Your next move toward happiness: There are many ways to overcome negative forecasting. The most easily applicable one is to vow to keep all negativity to yourself. Even if you think something bad will happen, don’t put it in language. You’re messing up your life just to be able to say, “I told you so.” Just don’t say it. Well, maybe to your therapist. Another thing to work on is telling yourself that you’ll be able to handle anything that happens. This is hardiness, an implicit knowing that things will still work out fine even if something bad happens.

14. You haven’t yet learned how to overcome resentment.

Do you hold onto resentment from your past? Do you ruminate about things that happened to you long ago? If so, then you’re happiness potential is drastically limited. Resenting someone hurts you exponentially more than the target of your negative thoughts and feelings. It actually eats away at your cells and can cause an early death for you. There are countless reasons to let go.

Your next move toward happiness: First, understand that all of the world is a mirror. What you can’t accept about someone else is what you can’t accept about yourself. This is especially true for family resentment since family members generally share a lot of the same traits and behaviors. Some are learned, some are biologically influenced. If you take a sober look in the mirror, you’ll probably find that you exhibit some of the same behaviors as the person you resent. When you reach adulthood, you have a choice to change your ways. Nothing holds you back from choosing to do things differently, but resentment locks you in place, making it very, very difficult to change. Take responsibility for your part in things. How are you perpetuating the issues you have with someone? What can you own? You MUST own it, accept it. Stop blaming someone else for your problems or you’ll never grow and you’ll never reach your happiness potential.

Second, it’s a fact that you lose when you resent. Whatever you think you gain by holding on tightly to resentment is really your loss. The psychological and physical protection you think you get from refusing to forgive is usually an illusion. You don’t have to get close with someone just because you forgive them. It can be a remote act. If you’re saying to yourself something like, “My father/mother/brother/uncle/____ hurt me. They don’t deserve my forgiveness.” Well, maybe they don’t deserve to get the benefits of your awesomeness, but that’s like punching yourself in the head because you can’t stand someone. Talk with a religious figure or someone close to you who is better at forgiveness than you are. Let yourself be inspired. It will lengthen your life.

15. You take before you give in conversation.

Entitlement and habit makes people take before they give. Do you think the world owes you something? Did your parents raise you to believe you don’t have to put in the hard work to get what you want? Are you a poor listener who cuts people off before they finish what they’re saying? Do you hold resentment toward your caretakers? Do the concepts of gratitude and thankfulness sound like spiritual bullshit or something you do on only on holidays? If your answer is yes to any of these questions, then you can unlock a huge amount of happiness by learning to give before you take. I don’t just mean volunteering or donating. I mean giving in the micro-moments of life.

Your next move toward happiness: First, when you’re communicating in person or via messaging, make it about the other person before you make it about you. Wait for someone else to speak. Then respond to what they say before making it about you. Stay focused on them. This is giving. This will make you happier. For example, your friend texts you….”I can’t stand my boss. How are you?” Don’t answer that question until you’ve thoroughly addressed their feelings about their boss. Give before taking.

Second, commit to improving your listening skills. Listen for what someone really wants from the conversation. You can even ask them, “What do you need from me right now? I want to be as helpful as possible.” If you’re waiting for a chance to speak, then you’re making it about you. Give and then take.

16. You’d rather get a laugh from gossipping than be inspired by sharing great ideas.

Do you find yourself saying to friends, “Did you hear that….?” If you love to be the first one to spread new information about someone in your community, it has to stop here. Otherwise, you have to accept a life of shallowness and unhappiness. A little gossip is fun and can temporarily help you manage boredom and a lack of deep and meaningful relationships, but a habit of gossiping reveals a character flaw in need of fixing.

Gossip is a sign of insecurity and a lack of sophistication. Unhappy people gossip, but you’d only know that if you look beyond false appearances. People who love to gossip are the most invested in keeping up the appearance of being happy. Just check their Facebook or Instagram feed. They’re the ones who look like they’re living a dream life, but whose social media presence lacks depth and meaning. A love of gossip reflects neglect of important areas of your life that could potentially be a source of greater happiness. For example, are you gossiping about the clothing someone wore or a neighbor’s recent divorce? If so, it’s time to commit to focusing on other topics.

Your next move toward happiness: Challenge yourself to only say nice things about people. Nothing negative. Period. But for enhanced happiness, come up with theories and ideas about the world that don’t involve specific people. Find like-minded people who would be interested in thinking big. Gossip is for small-minded people stuck in a smaller world devoid of humility and intellectual stimulation…both happiness stimulators. If you love to gossip, you probably need to look deep within and refocus on what really matters in life. You should finally address whichever facet of your life you’re so actively neglecting, which forces you to focus on your own affairs rather than that of others. Notice that I’m not referring to consuming gossip, a less damaging habit.

17. You never fully grieved the loss of someone important to you.

Did you lose someone important to you in the past few years? If so, have you sufficiently grieved their departure? Has your mood been suppressed or your behavior changed since the loss?

Everyone grieves differently. The way you grieve is influenced by many factors, including culture, religious and family norms. Some people refuse to accept the loss of a loved one, which can delay working through the grief for years. Other people grieve “half way.”

Your next move toward happiness: While it may feel like an impossible task, try to search inside yourself for what you need to move on. I would recommend short-term work with a grief counselor if you feel stuck in perpetual grief or avoidance mode. Sometimes it’s hard to see how the loss of a loved one influences us. Some people don’t feel like they deserve happiness after someone dies. Other people struggle to find hope for the future even after life is rebuilt. Are you honoring this person’s wishes or what he or she stood for? Commit to some act of honor. It will help you to move on and maybe even feel more hopeful.

18. Your word means very little.

It’s time to worship and practice integrity. Do your words match your deeds? Do you practice what you preach? Do you often cancel plans with friends? Can people rely on you? Trust you? Or do they say, “Yeah right” when you vow to do something?

Your next move toward happiness: Be the one who people can depend on. Don’t bail on plans when you already said you’d go. Don’t promise more than you can deliver. Be realistic and predictable in a positive way. Integrity feels wonderful. It makes you happy even if you don’t realize it. Being a person of your word is one of the healthiest habits to strive toward. Why does integrity make you happy? Integrity makes you feel productive and in control of your life. It makes life clean and satisfying, and it draws people toward you because they know they can rely on you, which ultimately expands your support network when you’re in a state of need. Integrity fuels the boomerang of intention and action. Once you’ve acted on your word, you’re more likely to keep it up.

If you break your word, clean it up. Apologize. Take responsibility. Make a new commitment and ACT. Don’t dwell on it. Replaying your integrity failures is one of the most unhealthy, unproductive happiness killers.

Integrity is also about keeping your actions and words in line with your values and morals. Don’t just preach about how others have it wrong. Do something healthy and productive about it. In order to have integrity in this way, you must decide what you believe in. What matters to you? Do you take REAL action or are you just the social media morality police?

Worship and practice integrity. You’ll notice a significant difference in your baseline levels of happiness. In fact, this last habit might be the biggest secret to happiness…that is, being your word.It makes life feel organized and you have a solid guideline for how to act when you’re unsure or when the future feels uncertain.

I hope you found this helpful. May you connect with all of the happiness in the world and find your own.

Which of the 18 habits do you relate to the most?