How to Center Yourself in the Age of Anxiety: Values 101
So many people, old and young, enter therapy describing their anxiety as intruding into so many aspects of life, as though there’s no comfortable place to land their thoughts. Anxiety seeps into activities of daily living it has no business bothering.
Some psychologists would respond to this presentation by saying , “Well, it sounds like you have Generalized Anxiety Disorder. Let’s come up with a treatment plan to relieve you of your anxiety.”
Psychoanalytic therapists would then dive deep into your past, orbiting around childhood trauma, parental failings and early, heroic childhood solutions you arrived at to exist in your family and beyond.
CBT psychologists would focus more on the relationship between your thought patterns, feelings of anxiety and actions. They would zoom in on irrational beliefs, core beliefs and automatic thoughts that lead to anxiety and vice versa.
The problem could be “generalized,” but the solution should be more nuanced and thoughtful.
A Roadmap for Finding Direction
As a CBT psychologist in New York City, I work with a lot of ambitious people who tend to be cerebral — powerful thinkers who deal with big problems at work while juggling busy personal lives. Whether it’s a Wall Street banker, an in-demand actress or a student who is just learning how to exist in the world as an adult, people generally want concrete solutions to their problems.
While I do offer tools for managing anxiety, I have found over the years that the treatment of overwhelming anxiety must also include a roadmap.
Money, job titles and recognition often become the default roadmap for ambitious New Yorkers…and it’s totally understandable. If you’ve invested much of your time and money building toward your professional dreams, it makes sense that you’d want to be rewarded in line with your expectations and motivations. However, this kind of roadmap is likely to spike your anxiety and promote a rudderless sense of direction in life, even if you’re successful.
What Do You Value?
Choosing a set of principles and valued actions with regard to what really matters you goes a long way in relieving anxiety, rumination, social discomfort and even depression. When you have an enhanced sense of what guides you, many seemingly difficult decisions become crystal clear. Values have an amazing grounding effect, and yes, they do play a major role in alleviating mental suffering. (Here is a list of valued domains, even though they are commonly called values.) Values that are represented by one word, such as discipline, are not very helpful in one’s effort to manifest them. Values are active statements that sometimes include an adverb or an adjective. For example, actively protecting family traditions is a value, as opposed to being guided by family or tradition.
Direction Not Perfection
Ambition and close attention to detail often translates into unrelenting perfectionism. Gaining a better sense of what actions you truly value allows you to pay less attention to outcomes and invest more in the journey, the process of life, which promotes compassion, perspective and lower stress.
The Age of Anxiety and Values
In our fast-paced, phone-led lives, it takes extra effort for most of us to press pause and reflect on important questions that allow us to get in touch with our values. It’s so much easier to jump from quick hit to quick hit. Life can be heavy, but to get where we want to go, we have to both accept what is AND look deeper. Anxiety and worry can obstruct our efforts to peel back the onion and see what guides our behavior at our core. If live only within our worries, putting out fires as they arise, but not daring to understand what is behind our uneasiness, then we miss out on improving our quality of life through living according to our values, the guiding force that takes away lots of unnecessary concerns and indecision.
Know Your Obstacles That Prevent Your Values from Guiding You
While naming and living in accordance with your values can be a life-altering decision, having curiosity about what keeps you from manifesting your values is very important. Some people are so overwhelmed at baseline that they don’t feel like they have the mental bandwidth to dig deeper into the land of what really matters. Other people are stuck in jobs and relationships that don’t align with their values. This discrepancy creates massive inner conflict that can either be avoided or faced and cleared.
Without much inner work and questioning, we are likely to take on the behaviors and values of our family members or people who tell us what to care about. For example, a parent might have taught you that people can’t be trusted and you should value putting family first (regardless of how you’re treated….or mistreated). This put-family-first-at-all-costs value can be soul crushing if you find yourself serving the needs of your parent and not making a healthy separation and individuation from your family. What if it leads you to have no boundaries or limits? This is a vey common example of a value that ends up harming you in more ways than you might realize.
Another common obstacle with regard to being blocked from living true to your values is when the company you work for promotes values that don’t align with your personal values. For example, making the sale at any cost might conflict with your personal values involving striving to be honest and authentic.
I guide my clients through the process of discovering their own values, finding meaning in places they haven’t dared to look and clearing obstacles preventing them from manifesting their values.
Values represent a roadmap for life. They naturally tell you what feels right and true to you.
As a psychologist in NYC who offers values-oriented CBT therapy, I have had success with clients who seek to clarify their values. A big part of the outcomes my clients have achieved has to be with my love of my work. I enjoy helping clients to discover their values, as well as to “name and tame” obstacles preventing the expression of what really matters to them. Values give an infusion of meaning and purpose. They reduce depression and anxiety when they are placed in the center of your world.
Value-oriented CBT therapy represents a wonderful way to center yourself in the age of anxiety.
Please feel free to reach out with any questions.
All the best!
Greg Kushnick
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Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Therapy in NYC: What to Expect
In my years of experience as a psychologist in NYC, I have come to the conclusion that the hardest part of therapy for people who have endured narcissistic abuse from a romantic partner, parent, sibling or boss, is actually starting therapy in the first place.
Everything else seems to unfold with greater ease once the process begins. It’s as though everything you’ve endured in an abusive relationship with a narcissist has created a wave of resistance, an uphill climb through self-doubt, guilt, shame and confusion that dilutes any effort to take care of your mind and body. However, once you place yourself in a safe therapeutic space for processing the abuse with an experienced psychologist, something shifts.
An amazing thing happens. You start to learn who you are separate from the abusive relationship. You see the tactics of the narcissist more clearly and you start to respond differently. You learn how to begin to set better boundaries that give you a sense of mental freedom and control. You feel like you have more of a sense of choice. Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Therapy can change your life if you let. I have seen the effects over my 20+ years as an NYC psychotherapist and it’s remarkable.
I’ll Meet You Where You’re At
I will support you at whatever stage you’re at in the relationship. Some people come to therapy needing help to leave an abusive relationship. Others have already left and are needing assistance with the fallout of the separation. And some people have decided to stay in a relationship with the narcissist because of other factors like the presence of shared children or a work situation they cannot yet end. I will meet you where you are. No judgment. Let’s help you to get a handle on the difficult aspects of exposure to narcissistic abuse.
Manage Shame and Self-Doubt
The main psychological weapon of choice for narcissistic individuals is self-doubt. As long as you are questioning yourself, foggy minded, ambivalent, confused and shameful, the narcissist has control. I help my clients come out from under this blanket of self-doubt. It’s so liberating when it happens and it’s one of the most gratifying parts of my job as a therapist who specializes in narcissistic abuse in New York.
Learn the Tactics of Narcissistic Abuse
I will make it easy for you to understand the specific tactics of the person who is manipulating and harming you. As a result, you will be more prepared with a variety of tactics for feeling more empowered to cope with actual exposure to this individual or memories of troubling interactions with this person. My methods tend to be quite effective, especially for clients who are motivated to create something better for themselves.
Discover Who You Are Separate from the Relationship- Find Yourself!
Therapy for narcissistic abuse involves trying to come to terms with the treatment you’ve endured at the hands of a narcissist, and in that process is figuring out who you are separate from the relationship. Years spent as the child of a narcissistic parent has most likely conditioned you to think about yourself, your value, your abilities in terms of how he or she wanted you to think and feel. The same goes for a spouse or shorter-term romantic partner. Therapy will help you plug in to who you are and who you want to be for yourself and the world.
I find this work incredibly fulfilling and I’d love to have the opportunity to help you.
For more information about me and my approach, please consider listening to The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast on narcissism on which I was a guest. Here is another the link to the podcast on Apple Podcasts.
If you’re not whether or not your partner is a narcissist, please take a look at my article on the signs of narcissism. As a therapist who specializes in narcissistic abuse recovery, I have seen so many different manifestations of abuse, so I am well-equipped to handle most issues related to narcissism.
Please feel free to reach out to me with any questions about getting started in therapy for narcissistic abuse in New York City. I offer in-person CBT therapy and online therapy from my Chelsea office.
All the best to you!!
Greg Kushnick
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Social Anxiety Treatment in NYC: Your Questions Answered
Hi there. I’m Dr. Greg Kushnick, a psychologist in NYC who treats clients with social anxiety on a daily basis. I truly enjoy helping my clients to overcome their social struggles and I strive to offer the most effective methods for treatment of social anxiety. I hope you learn something new from the information provided below. Please don’t hesitate to contact me with any questions. All the best!
All About Social Anxiety Treatment
Do I have social anxiety?
Do you often avoid social situations? Are you mentally uncomfortable when you’re socializing, to the point where you’re preoccupied with saying the wrong thing, making a fool of yourself, being rejected or becoming revealed as a fraud? Do you often beat yourself up after socializing and find yourself ruminating about something you said that may have been interpreted the wrong way? Do you need to drink alcohol every tine you socialize? A “yes” to any of the above-mentioned questions suggests that social anxiety might be preventing you from living a more fulfilling life. Here is a short screening for social anxiety.
…But isn’t it normal to be anxious before and during social situations?
It is certainly normal– up to a point. We all experience nervousness before and during certain social situations. It really depends on how much the anxiety leads to avoidance, rumination, self-loathing and an inability to gain a sense of connection and fulfillment from your social engagements. Everyone has a weak spot when it comes to socializing. For example, you might be comfortable in most social situations, but when it comes to connecting with your high school or college friends, you feel extreme anxiety and discomfort. Social anxiety is considered a problem if it leads to significant and chronic avoidance of social opportunities or extreme anxiety that doesn’t subside while socializing, and it gets in the way of feeling connected to people and socially fulfilled.
Can my social anxiety really be helped by therapy?
What is important to know about coping with social anxiety in New York City?
New York City culture celebrates social performance. That translates into pressure. Pressure to seem like you have your life figured out, pressure to succeed and keep up with your peers, pressure to make lots of money. It’s so easy to slip into the mindset that everyone else is doing better than you are. That’s a typical cognitive distortion. Relieving yourself of some amount of social pressure can help you feel less anxious.
What is the best therapy for social anxiety?
In my experience, the best treatment for social anxiety is an approach that includes Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), which includes gradual exposure therapy. In my 25 years of experience, insight-oriented therapy for the treatment of social anxiety tends to be less effective. Insight alone will most likely do very little for social avoidance and negative beliefs about oneself. You need a behavioral component for therapy to be effective when you’re trying to improve your social success. CBT allows you to challenge problematic belief systems and use the therapy as a launching point for testing out new personal theories and beliefs in the real world.
Can you self treat social anxiety?
You can self treat social anxiety if it is mild and doesn’t compel you to avoid many social situations. At minimum, treat your social anxiety by talking openly with a friend who understands you and around whom you can be yourself. Check in regularly with this friend after social experiences and evaluate what went well and awry. Share any self-critical thoughts post-socialization. Keep checking in with this friend to remain accountable. Again, this is the minimum you can do for your social anxiety besides educating yourself about this issue. I recommend therapy because social anxiety is highly treatable with the right therapist.
How do therapists fix social anxiety?
I can only speak from my own experience as a CBT psychologist in New York. You can overcome social anxiety by altering your belief system, learning to dispute irrational beliefs, acquiring new social strategies and coping skills to feel more prepared with more options in social settings and testing reality by applying new skills and information in new social experiences.
How do you calm down social anxiety?
The goal is to feel more prepared in social settings. CBT therapy allows you to acquire skills and perspectives that give you more control over your anxiety. Therapy for Social anxiety can be relieved by learning how to manage a self-critical and self-loathing internal voice.
What happens if social anxiety is left untreated?
Untreated social anxiety that is considered moderate to severe is likely to lead to increasing levels of social avoidance, with fuels the power of negative thoughts about the self to guide your choices and dictate your mood.
What is the best exercise for social anxiety?
Where do you meet people with social anxiety in NYC?
Where should I go if I have social anxiety?
How do I tell if I’m socially anxious, depressed, or both?
Well, one distinction that some people find helpful is to think of anxiety as the anticipation that a catastrophe will occur in the future, as opposed to depression, which is the sense that a catastrophe has already occurred in the past. Do you tend to worry that something bad will happen to you, or that something has been already lost? The truth is that anxiety and depression often coexist. This is because social avoidance tends to lead to rumination, which tends to include thoughts about failure, embarrassment, shame and negative self-worth.
These negative thoughts and feelings promote more avoidance. Also, people justify social avoidance by the relief they believe they will feel by steering clear of a chance to have negative beliefs verified through negative social interaction. No one wants proof of their darkest thoughts about themselves, so avoidance serves a powerful short-term purpose. Long term, however, depression can set in if social engagements are chronically avoided, as a sense of helplessness and negative self-worth can take over if there isn’t positive social feedback or appropriate outlets to gain a healthy perspective about how social anxiety makes you think, feel and act.
Many people are just anxious or just depressed. Some people give themselves enough social wins and opportunities for connectedness to avoid getting depressed, despite their intense social discomfort. If you have low self-worth and you frequently interpret social interactions in the service of verifying your negative beliefs, then chances are you will develop depressive tendencies over time. If you frequently leave social situations feeling like a failure, embarrassed or shamed, the tendency to avoid will promote depression, and the tendency to push forward and keep striving for better experiences will be a buffer against depression.
Perfectionistic tendencies can also play a role in social anxiety and depression. (See below.)
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CBT for Social Anxiety in New York City
We all have a need to connect with others. This basic human need can be a source of mental discomfort if we have obstacles preventing us from placing ourselves in opportunities to gain social fulfillment.
Social anxiety is a common experience, but for many New Yorkers, especially people who lean toward a high achievement/high control-type of personality, social anxiousness can reach incredibly uncomfortable levels that promote avoidance of potentially satisfying experiences and relationships. Social anxiety disorder (SAD), also referred to as social phobia, is a label that is given when the anxiety has a debilitating impact on your life. I’m not a huge fan of labels, but sometimes they are helpful for making distinctions and identifying the best course of treatment. Social phobia is sometimes used to refer to unrealistic fears regarding a specific social scenario.
The tricky part of social anxiety is that avoidance often becomes the default way of coping. Of course, mild avoidance of social situations can be helpful, as it allows for time to sit with one’s thoughts and recover from a stressful week or a particularly exhausting experience. However, more persistent avoidance of social situations leads to a vicious cycle of greater avoidance and self-loathing/self-criticism.
When you actively avoid social situations (or use significant amounts of alcohol to cope with social situations), you experience relief from the feared scenario of having to endure extreme discomfort, a panic attack, potential rejection or failure. However, for many people there is also an equally uncomfortable or even worse feeling of discomfort that comes with the failure to socialize.
People often judge themselves harshly and feel remorse about missing an opportunity. Taking away opportunities for social connection only reinforces negative beliefs about the self. In addition, I have found that chronic social avoidance caused by social anxiety also leads to varying amounts of depression, ranging from a mild case of the blues to more severe and debilitating depressive experiences that affect daily life in profound ways.
CBT Therapy for Social Anxiety
The good news is that therapy for social anxiety can be very effective. I find that clients seem to benefit more when I incorporate cognitive behavioral therapy (or CBT therapy for short) tools into my approach. Exposure therapy for social anxiety disorder is added to the treatment as needed.
Put another way, successful treatment of social anxiety via CBT therapy requires a few components:
- A cognitive approach that emphasizes altering thinking errors and unrealistic self-standards, and reduces self-criticism and rumination.
- A behavioral/coaching approach that focuses on reducing unhelpful emotional responses and increasing exposure to social situations, while using feedback gleaned from new social experiences to inform efforts to alter problematic beliefs and standards.
Managing Social Anxiety in NYC
New York City culture amplifies the importance of social success and performance. The most socially successful people are celebrated in real life and on social media, which creates pressure, shame, FOMO, fears of losing one’s job, and a lot of other uncomfortable thoughts for many people.
Frankly, it’s just a whole lot of pressure to be social in NYC.
Since the pandemic ended, I have seen a significant increase in the number of clients requesting CBT therapy for social anxiety/phobia. It seems as though the stakes are even higher in a post-pandemic NYC where many people are working remotely at least part of the workweek, which limits opportunities for true social connection and places people in their own heads for a greater portion of the day, as opposed to directing energy toward others.
This closed system of chewing on your own thoughts in place of in-person social exposure appears to make thoughts of self-doubt, rejection and avoidance run wild.
Effective Social Anxiety Treatment in NYC
I’m here to help you with your social anxiety. If you’re searching for a psychologist for yourself or for a loved one, an experienced CBT therapist can make a huge difference in helping to reduce social anxiety and avoidance.
Feel free to reach out with any questions regarding therapy for social anxiety. I love what I do and I am happy to work with you or your loved one.
All the best,
Greg Kushnick
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The Starting Point for Managing Anxiety
As a psychologist in New York City who has conducted thousands of sessions helping clients manage their anxiety, I have come to understand that there is one key to managing your worries. This key unlocks your ability to gain a sense of control over anxious moods and thought patterns. What I’m proposing also helps with an intense fear of something specific, such as a work presentation, medical test results or childbirth.
Just to clarify, when I use the term “anxiety,” I am referring to persistent worry and severe concern in response to an event that may or may not happen, the very uncomfortable anticipation of negative things to come. Anxiety involves a response to something in the future that is less likely to happen. Sometimes we feel anxious without any conscious awareness of what we’re anxious about.
We can all relate to the looping repeat of uncomfortable thoughts that accompany anxiety. Anxious moods steal our ability to focus on work, relax, bond with loved ones and get sound sleep.
My success with helping clients who are grappling with anxiety has depended on establishing the proper starting point for gaining a sense of mental control. In essence, the stage must be set before the band can start playing a relaxing tune.
Managing Anxiety Starts Here
The key to managing anxiety is gaining a sense of hardiness, or faith in your ability to cope with the unknown. Having this faith allows you to know that you’ll be ok no matter what happens. Hardiness is not easy to achieve, but the presence of just a drop of faith goes a long way.
How do you build up your hardiness? It starts with telling yourself 50 times a day, “No matter what happens, I will be ok.” If fear of a specific event is overwhelming you, try gently picturing yourself in the feared scenario and then tell yourself this message 50 times as you look around experience the sights and sounds of this event.
See yourself as making it through the event if you can picture what you fear. Say to yourself, “I made it.”
If this kind of imaginary exposure feels like it’s too much for you, that’s ok! Just feed yourself the reassuring message without imagery.
Faith in your ability to cope can come from a variety of sources. There’s faith in your mind, which refers to a sense of being able to control your thoughts and a sense that you’ll be ok if you lose control of your mind. The chaos doesn’t last. It’s time limited.
You actually do have at least partial control over some things that make you anxious. For example, if you’re getting a procedure done in the hospital, can you decide which doctor will perform the procedure, or the music you listen to, or who will be with you when you’re recovering? Focus on the choices you actually CAN make. The ability to choose some of the minutia of the feared scenario really helps.
The other side of building hardiness is to accept that there are some things you can’t control, which necessitates even a mild commitment to letting go and trusting in yourself, even if you know you will suffer for a period of time. This is where faith comes in. Faith in doctors, faith in God, faith in your efforts to take care of yourself, faith in people to make good decisions and do what’s best for you.
Building Faith in Your Mind
Your ability to control stress and anxiety ultimately depends on how much you believe your mental health can absorb a difficult event.
Sometimes faith in your ability to cope has to do with recognizing what your body can do for you without conscious effort. You were built to cope and return to a comfortable baseline of body functioning. Your body always resets to achieve as close to a sense of balance and equilibrium as possible. For example, if your heart rate soars in anticipation of a catastrophe, you need to remind yourself of your body’s ability to return to a comfortable state. Mental suffering generally comes in waves or cycles, as opposed to a permanent, unrelenting negative experience.
A sense of hardiness is also connected to your immune system. If you tell yourself that you can handle something, your body can have a stronger immune response. Of course, this is not true in ALL scenarios, but feeling hardy certainly gives you a physical boost of strength. Feeling like you can’t handle something is likely to elevate your cortisol levels, which weakens your body’s healing response.
Tips for Managing Anxiety and Building Hardiness
Below are a few hardy suggestions for learning to manage your anxiety.
- Start by sharing your experience of anxiety more authentically with a trusted person in your life. Remind yourself that you have this person to lean on if needed.
- Make sure you go at least one step outside of your comfort zone. It’s ok to be a bit uncomfortable if your behavior is in the spirit of striving toward something.
- Spend time identifying what’s important to you. What are the values you live by? What kind of person are you striving to be for the world? Judge your behavior based on these commitments. Knowing your values and who you are striving to be serve as a guide for difficult choices and personal boundaries.
- Take time to evaluate your personal boundaries with others. Who makes you do things you don’t want to do? Who makes you feel badly about yourself? Consider reading the book Set Boundaries, Find Peace to get a wonderful introduction to setting healthier boundaries.
- Evaluate your expectations for how an anxiety-inducing situation is supposed to go. Do you need to spend time learning to be less perfectionistic? Do you expect too much of yourself or other people? Setting reasonable expectations promotes feeling less shocked by negative outcomes.
- Pay attention to how you use your phone to self soothe. Are you over-reliant on your phone or should you commit to bringing uncomfortable thoughts under control without a screen?
Please feel free to reach out and ask a question or if any of this information feels like something you want to work on in therapy.
Good luck to you and your hardiness!
-Dr. Kushnick
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On Anger, Depression and the Need to Be Right
How Much Do You Need to Be Right or Point Out Other People’s Faults?
Why do we invest so much time and effort watering the roots of the relationships that make us happy, yet when we’re grappling with a sour mood, our ability to see the world from someone else’s eyes feels impossible? Does this ever happen to you?
The man or woman you love so much is sitting right in front of you, but all you can think about is how you won’t give in until they not only acknowledge how you feel, but tell you that you’re also RIGHT!. You’re even willing to ruin a date night, sabotage an opportunity for intimacy, or avoid talking to them for days until they submit. You’re furious and you can’t step out of it.
We’ve all been there. We usually reserve this type of behavior for the ones we love the most or have known the longest. If we are feeling unheard or misunderstood, we may forget to listen. If we feel accused of wrongdoing, we may dodge responsibility at all cost and focus on convincing the accuser that they’re wrong.
If a deep-seated insecurity fuels the need to be right, then the fight to prove rightness can potentially go on for days, weeks, months, and even years. The need to be right and the tendency to make others wrong tends to promote long-term resentment and animosity in relationships. This state of mind may suppress the immune system and invite illness into the body, and it is likely to limit our repertoire of problem-solving behaviors.
I find that an overinvestment in being right tends to promote more frequent states of dissatisfaction in relationships and with life in general. Depression may promote the need to be right (and vice versa). When we feel low, the act of making other people wrong can give a temporary lift to our sense of self-importance. The problem with this kind of lift is that it only lasts for a brief moment, and as soon as the high of asserting our rightness passes, we either sink back into a depressed state, or we feel even lower than we did before we made a heavy investment in making someone wrong. In more intense states of depression, we often lack motivation to perform the activities that we usually enjoy. Our energy is devoted to completing the most basic of tasks, as we do our best just to get through the day. In this state of decreased motivation, the mental energy available for entertaining the perspective of others is often quite limited.
The truth is that we are all forced to endure depression at some point, although its severity, duration and impact on our functioning varies from person to person. Depression typically involves periods of sad mood, decreased motivation, and a heightened tendency to avoid feelings and situations that normally brings us a sense of connection, purpose, and fulfillment.
When we are feeling significantly depressed, we may experience anger that is directed inward toward the self, or outward toward other people or the world as a whole. These angry feelings may take the form of an “addiction” to making other people wrong. In such a state of mind, our world becomes very small. We see with blinders on. There is only one way and it is our way. Hence, when anger takes over, our ability to see things from someone else’s point of view can become severely compromised, especially if our tendency is to cope with our anger by punishing others (and giving ourselves the illusion of ridding ourselves of negative feelings) by making them feel as we feel. An openness to entertaining multiple perspectives may also be limited if we typically handle our anger by withdrawing and avoiding conflict, which tends to minimize opportunities for rectifying disagreements.
Anxiety is similar to anger in its influence on perspective-taking abilities, as it can promote a narrowing the lense of our perspective at the expense of appreciating alternative vantage points. When we are anxious, our mental resources are channeled toward coping with the belief that we must prepare for a feared event. This preparation creates a self-preserving state of mind that narrows our perspective to a limited number of possible outcomes. We repeat to ourselves in one form or another the idea that “I will not be OK if this event happens.” When we are gripped by high anxiety, predicting a catastrophe requires a huge amount of mental energy, which deprives us of the energy required to appreciate someone else’s perspective.
Would you like to achieve lasting states of positive emotion? Would you like to feel more strongly connected to your loved ones, and to your world in general? If so, cultivate your ability to see someone else’s perspective, and recognize the impact that your words and actions have on the ones you love; this will tame your innate human need to be right. Your willingness to acknowledge the perspective of others, even if you disagree with their stance, is one of the most important mental muscles to build.
How to Build Empathy and Improve Perspective-Taking Skills
Here are a few brief suggestions for assessing and improving your ability to appreciate the perspective of others.
1) Conduct an honest assessment of how invested you are in making people wrong, especially the people closest to you. Ask a trusted friend or family member to give their opinion on this. Try to be open to their feedback, especially if you are both emotionally invested in the relationship. When it comes to how often we feel the need to be right, we are usually poor self-evaluators.
2) Practice the art of listening without interrupting. Avoid telling others how they should feel. Try to listen well enough to be able to convey to the speaker what you just heard them say, and then share what you learned from them.
3) Try to embrace the idea that there are “two rights” in every disagreement between two people.
4) Seek professional help if you determine that your need to make others wrong significantly interferes with your relationships, or if you can see that depression, anger, or anxiety present obstacles to appreciating others’ perspectives.
5) Practice doing gratitude exercises. This is one of the most powerful ways to cultivate the ability to appreciate others’ opinions and struggles. There are many self-help books available to assist you with this.
6) When you are sitting in a restaurant or coffee shop, or another setting conducive to “people-watching,” imagine what life might look like from the eyes of someone you are observing. Try to get in touch with what this person might be feeling, even if you are guessing . Do this exercise at least once a week.
7) If you recognize that you are particularly depressed or angry on a given day, take a pause in each interaction with the people you love and acknowledge to yourself (or to them) how your negative mood may be making you more argumentative or less understanding. Sometimes our loved ones deserve this “heads up.”
Thank you for taking the time to read this post. If you commit to improving your ability to adopt another person’s perspective and avoid the habit of making other people wrong, I am confident that you will like the way that it makes you feel. It might even bring you closer to the people you love.
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Why a New York City Psychologist Has the Best Job in the World
(As seen on Huff Post)
If you’re considering a career as a psychologist AND you plan to practice in New York City, you’re in luck.
Serving the mental health needs of New Yorkers as a psychologist in private practice is more than just great…it’s the most rewarding career path available. Of course, I’m just a tiny bit biased, but I stand by my assertion and you’ll learn why I feel so strongly about it.
Keep in mind that I’m generally referring to what it’s like to be a New York City psychologist in private practice as opposed to working in a hospital, school or clinic setting. You can also have a rewarding career as a psychologist outside of the private practice setting, but running your own show takes the experience a hundred levels higher. And even if you want to be in private practice, you almost always have to train and work in other settings before you can practice independently
All I will say to qualify my bold statement is that a career as a psychologist can only be so profoundly amazing if the following are true:
- You can handle the uncertainty of lacking a regular, predictable paycheck.
- You don’t worship money.
- You have exceptional listening skills, you tend to root for the underdog, you have the humility to take responsibility for your actions in interpersonal conflict and you don’t unravel when you hear about extreme mental suffering.
Yes, this is a gross oversimplification of what makes a solid psychologist, but it will have to do for now.
The Life of the NYC Psychologist
- First and foremost, you get to meet the most intelligent, dynamic and talented group of people in the world. Can you imagine how enjoyable it would be to spend your day enhancing the lives of the movers and shakers of the world? It’s wildly exciting to help younger generations who have the drive, talent, creativity and mental ability to change the world. A typical day may involve working with an ambitious student, then a programmer, then a talented finance or professional, then an entertainer, then a C-suite executive. It’s amazing! I learn as much from my patients as they do from me.
- You learn how to mix art with science to enhance the lives of people who are the world’s best artists and scientists. The best therapy is one that mixes objectively proven techniques with artful, interpersonal maneuvers. Psychologists, especially skilled ones, take mental health care to the next level by offering much than what a book or manual can teach. They mix art into their approach, which adds an intangible element that promotes personal transformation.
- You feel like you’re making a difference in the world on a daily basis. Since New York attracts such a unique type of individual, it can feel like you’re having a profound effect on society by improving the lives of people who make things happen for the world. As your skillset grows, so will your ability to create significant changes for your patients, which in turn, will make them more effective in their influence on the world.
- You become an expert in New York City culture without trying. Imagine being constantly taught about the subtleties of city life, the latest trends, memes, metaphors, fashion, art and everything that makes NYC so unique. It gives you the sense that you have your finger on the pulse of the Center of the Universe, the world’s largest think tank. Clients will incorporate their vast array of cultural opportunities into their therapy. For example, you will get to talk with clients about Hamilton after they see the show, or an art installation, gala or tech convention.
- Investing in self-improvement becomes a thunderclap of wellness that spreads across the city. If you read about an interesting concept, you’re suddenly equipped with a powerful metaphor to use with certain clients. Take on the task of reading a self-help book or attending a seminar and your clients will indirectly benefit from what you personally reap.
- You make your own hours which gives you a invigorating sense of freedom.While everyone else is counting vacation days, imprisoned within a cube city and reporting to a boss, you get to do whatever you feel like. Even with a full roster of patients, there’s still tons of time to play in the city. This can be problematic if you’re undisciplined or you crave the structure offered by a regular paycheck. To be honest, I would give up the predictability of a regular paycheck in a heartbeat for the freedom to walk outside on a two-hour break between sessions to sit in a wonderful coffee shop and write a blog post, take an hour-long stroll and soak in the city’s spirit and beauty, schmooze with New Yorkers or casually browse through a magic shop or a used book store.
- You’re exposed to the most diverse group of people and ideas on the planet. In a single day, you might work with people from six different countries, or help someone manage the stress of the inner city right after assisting someone with managing the stress of running a large company. You get to talk with people with high aspirations, people from backgrounds unlike your own who care about the world and want to make it a better place.
11 Things You Need to Know About Starting Therapy in NYC
The decision to start therapy in New York City can be scary as hell.
After all, it’s hard to know what to expect before you actually begin your sessions.
I’m going to take some of the confusion out of the decision-making process. I’m also going to give you an idea about what to expect in the first session, even though the way the start of therapy is structured varies from therapist to therapist.
The insights shared below are based on my experiences as a Manhattan psychologist who has worked with thousands of New Yorkers.
My ultimate goal is to make you feel less anxiety about the decision to begin therapy and more primed for success with the process.
A quick note…If you’re reading this as you prepare to start therapy under my care, please feel free to ask me any questions about what I’ve written below. I want you to get the most out of the first session and beyond.
Preparing for the First Therapy Session
So here it goes, 11 thoughts about starting therapy in NYC that you need to know.
1. Once you sit down on the couch and start talking, it will be the greatest relief you’ve felt in a long time, nothing like the anxiety you experienced around the decision to enter therapy.
Most people feel immense relief after the first session at least partially because they experience a release of a buildup of emotion they’ve been holding on to for days, weeks or months. This benefit is wonderful, but the most impressive emotional gains are made once you roll your sleeves up and get deeper into the intervention.
2. It can be helpful to write down what you’ve been struggling with before you begin the first session.
Taking a few notes ahead of the initial appointment is by no means necessary, but very often people have a hard time articulating what they want to work on. Writing is a great way to organize your thoughts heading into therapy.
3. Most, but not all, therapists will ask you in the first session what you hope to accomplish in therapy.
4. The blistering pace of modern life makes therapy a necessity.
If you’re living in a bustling city, therapy is the ultimate place to combat the stress and pressure you feel on a daily basis as a result of the lifestyle you’ve signed up for. We are evolving as a culture to fill up every potential moment for self-reflection with our screens. Therapy offers an opportunity to check in with yourself and a good look at what needs to be worked on.
5. Insight alone rarely produces significant improvement.
Your willingness to test reality and make cognitive and behavioral changes is the real spark. Amazing insights gained through therapy can be mind openers, but not game changers. Therapy that relies on insight as the dominant force of transformation takes much longer to produce substantial changes. In my experience, therapy designed to create new insights, which is fortified by active interventions, such as disputing irrational beliefs, is much, much more effective. This is why I’m big on CBT therapy. As a cognitive behavioral therapist in New York City, I strive to offer tools for clients, in addition to insight. Tools + insight = better outcomes.
6. Some people are raised to view therapy as unnecessary or hocus pocus. Your therapist will probably prove them wrong.
From the outside looking in, it’s hard to see the potential benefits of therapy. The nature of emotional suffering is such that it can be hard to imagine feeling substantially better just by talking to a therapist. Most therapists do more than just talk to you. They are trained in applying specific interventions to alleviate suffering and they know how to build a strong therapeutic relationship that will predict a positive outcome for you.
7. If you’re therapist considers himself or herself a psychoanalyst, expect to do most of the talking. If the therapist identifies with CBT as the primary mode of therapy, expect him or her to be more active in the process.
The truth is that most therapists do not take a single approach to conducting therapy. Feel free to ask your therapist-to-be how active he or she is in the sessions so there are no surprises. With that said, like most therapists in New York City, I tend to do much less talking in the first session because I’m asking questions and planning my intervention. Therefore, it’s hard to use the therapist’s engagement level in the first session to determine how collaborative the therapy will be.
8. Don’t expect your therapist to force things out of you.
Therapy tends to go at a pace set by the patient. Your therapist is likely to be sensitive to your signals that certain topics are off limits until you’re ready to go there. Just know that a seasoned therapist will pick up on what is omitted from your story. You don’t have to do anything about that.
9. The trend among newer generations of therapists is to act more “real” with patients.
Unless you’re in the market for 3-times-a-week, lying-on-the-couch psychoanalysis, you can safely assume that your psychologist won’t present as a tabula rasa, the latin phrase for “blank slate.” In other words, he won’t strive to remain 100% nonreactive, cold and neutral. In my experience, most patients appreciate realness from a therapist, which doesn’t mean that he will be constantly sharing about his own personal experiences. Rather, it means that his reactions will seem genuine and empathic. Another wonderful consequence of your therapist being real with you is that it can feel like you have a coach in your corner, which most patients enjoy.
10. Therapy is not as helpful if you don’t a bit of take time between sessions to reflect on what was discussed in session.
If you want to get the most out of your sessions, consider actively applying what you’ve learned in sessions to your life. Feel free to challenge your therapist to help you plan for testing in real life any lessons learned during sessions.
11. Therapy will be helpful to the extent that you’re open to change and willing to look at your contributions to your own suffering.
This is a tough one to really, truly understand for most people. Success in therapy involves a willingness to examine some of your most uncomfortable thoughts, feelings and experiences. If someone is pushing you into therapy kicking and screaming, then chances are it’s not going to be very effective. You need to want to make changes irrespective of what someone who cares about says you should do. If you tend to blame other people for your problems, you’ll be limited in how much you’ll get out of your sessions. That doesn’t mean that a little parent blaming here and there doesn’t feel super relieving. It just means that entering therapy with a sense of personal responsibility will predict success with the process.
Good luck with your therapy.
What Exactly Does a Clinical Psychologist Do?
Find out exactly what a clinical psychologist does. Here are some commonly asked questions regarding the role of a clinical psychologist in New York City.
What is the role of a clinical psychologist?
A clinical psychologist works with people to improve their social, emotional, mental and behavioral problems. First, a clinical psychologist conducts an assessment of the problem to arrive at a diagnosis via interviews, observation and sometimes psychological testing. Next, they create a treatment plan with the client and help them to identify goals that the client wants to work on. Then, the clinical psychologist carries out psychological treatment to help the client achieve the goals. Progress is monitored over the course of treatment.
I have been conducting psychotherapy in New York City for over 20 years. One benefit of being a clinical psychologist, as opposed to other types of therapists in NYC, is that my clinical doctoral training in assessment and diagnosis tends to be more extensive than what is offered in most other mental health degree programs.
Some clinical psychologists do research, teach or consult for organizations/businesses to solve systemic and individual issues.
Is the job of a clinical psychologist in New York City different than that in other places?
The role of clinical psychologists in New York City is generally the same as that in other parts of the country. However, there are a few subtle but important differences when compared to clinical psychologists in New York State or other places.
First, in NYC clinical psychologists tend to be more trained in working with people from diverse backgrounds. The amazing diversity of NYC’s population necessitates that New York City clinical psychologists have an added sensitivity to people with alternative lifestyles and varied backgrounds.
Second, the fast-paced speed of everyday life, the noise, the lack of space and the general pressure to achieve success makes New York City a challenging place to live. As a Manhattan clinical psychologist, I am frequently helping people manage their career achievement needs and the stress generated from wanting to “make it big” here in New York. As a result, I have the honor of working with some incredibly ambitious people who are changing the world.
Third, it is my belief that a New York City clinical psychologist also helps people cope with the lack of a sense of community in the city. Other parts of the country have more of a community feel. The absence of community creates the potential for feeling a sense of emptiness, isolation and loneliness, especially when you are new to NYC. A clinical psychologist in New York City who has been in practice for a long time must know how to help patients cope with this kind of challenge.
Please note that other kinds of NYC psychotherapists with lots of clinical experience also learn to help people manage the unique combination of isolation and pressure found in New York City.
What is the Difference Between a Therapist and a Psychologist?
A therapist is a generic term for any mental health clinician who meets face-to-face (or online) with patients to alleviate their emotional suffering. Be careful though. There are also many types of therapists that are not associated with mental health, such as a physical therapist, speech therapist and occupational therapist.
A psychologist is a type of therapist, one with the most rigorous training out of all the types of mental health therapists. Psychologists tend to have more years of clinical training and more hours of supervision and clinical experience even before they graduate from their program.
How long does it take to become a clinical psychologist?
In order to become a clinical psychologist, you need to complete your Bachelor’s Degree first. Some clinical psychologist also complete a two-year Master’s Program in Counseling or a related mental health field before their clinical psychology doctoral program. However, clinical psychology doctoral program students are awarded a Master’s Degree after two years and them they continue on for their doctorate.
Overall, a doctorate in clinical psychology can take between 4-7 years, sometimes even longer. There are three years of graduate classes during which doctoral students are completing supervised clinical training (aka externships) in various mental health settings, such as a hospital, clinic or school counseling center. Once the coursework is complete, the doctoral student has to complete a one-year internship in an accredited mental health setting. After the internship the doctorate is awarded. Then the new psychologist must complete about 2000 hours of post-graduate training before receiving a license in a particular state. Please note that the information provided here varies greatly across states in the US. Please see here for more on the topic.
What is the difference between a psychologist and a clinical psychologist?
A psychologist is a general term for a professional who went to a doctoral program in psychology. A clinical psychologist is an expert in the human mind that attended an accredited doctoral program in clinical psychology. Clinical psychologists also work directly with human subjects. In other words, clinical psychologists work with clients. Other non-clinical psychologists may draw from the same knowledge based but they do not necessarily work directly with clients.
There are other types of psychologists, including industrial psychologists, social psychologists, forensic psychologists and sports psychologists.
Do you need a doctorate to be a clinical psychologist?
Yes, you need a doctoral degree to be a clinical psychologist. You can get a Doctor of Psychology (PsyD) degree or a Doctor of Philosophy in Psychology (PhD) degree in order to be a psychologist.
In some mental health settings, I have seen people loosely use the word “psychologist” to refer to the mental health clinician on staff regardless of their degree, but the true definition of the role implies earning a doctorate in psychology.
What is a PsyD ?
A PsyD or Psy.D. represents a “doctor of psychology,” which is a practitioner’s degree in clinical, counseling or school psychology). In contrast to a PhD, the training you receive at a PsyD program tends to involve more clinical training and more hours of supervised face-to-face interaction with patients. There are probably exceptions. Phd programs in clinical psychology tend to have more of a research focus. While a lot more PhDs are hired for teaching roles, PsyDs are hired as well in universities.
In my PsyD program I received extensive training in clinical psychology, conducted hundreds of hours of supervised psychotherapy AND I wrote a PhD-level dissertation. It was not my original intention to create such a mammoth dissertation, and you generally do not have to write a huge dissertation in a PsyD program. It can be a more contained project.
Is a clinical psychologist a doctor?
Yes, a clinical psychologist is considered a doctor of psychology (not to be confused with an MD, or medical doctor.
What is the difference between a clinical psychologist, a clinical social worker, a mental health counselor and a marriage and family therapist?
A clinical social worker (LCSW) helps people to cope with emotional, behavioral and mental issues, but the training does not include as much emphasis on assessment and diagnosis as compared to a clinical psychology doctoral program. Many LCSWs take their education a step further by attending extensive training programs in specific areas following the completion of their clinical hours for licensure. Social workers receive impressive training in understanding and navigating through various systems that interact with the individual. See here for more on this degree.
A mental health counselor is a Master’s Degree in Mental Health Counseling. See here for more on this degree.
A marriage and family therapist (LMFT) is a specialized degree that focuses primarily on marital and family counseling. There is also training in individual therapy. See here for more on this degree.
What is the difference between clinical psychologists and psychiatrists in New York State?
A clinical psychologist is a PhD or PsyD helps alleviate emotional suffering via various forms of talk therapy.
A psychiatrist is a Medical Doctor (M.D.) who went on to specialize in psychiatry. Psychiatrists tend to work with people who are grappling with more serious forms of emotional suffering, but not always. Some psychiatrists also conduct psychotherapy. They tend to lean toward medication as the solution for emotional problems.
Clinical psychologists in New York State are not permitted to prescribe medication. Nor do they do not receive any formal training in prescribing medication.
Thank you for taking the time to read this. Please feel free to reach out to me with any questions about the field of clinical psychology or to get started in therapy.
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A New York Psychologist Shares 18 Ways to Overcome Mask Anxiety
During this unique time we’ve had to adjust to life behind a face mask. The world outside your window has changed, which necessitates a shift in the way you protect our physical and mental health.
While casual use of a mask in open spaces is generally easier to manage, many of us are experiencing uncomfortable levels of anxiety, even panic, while wearing a mask around others, especially as we transition toward slightly increased exposure to more people and places.
Uncertain times like these demand increased confidence in our physical and psychological protection as we encounter real or imagined danger. Below you’ll find 18 great tips for overcoming mask anxiety.
18 Ways to Reduce Mask Anxiety
1. Take your self-talk to the next level.
Remind yourself 20 times during each outdoor journey that you’re going to be ok. Literally, say to yourself. “No matter what happens, I’m going to be ok.” This self-talk may boost your immune system by giving you an enhanced sense of control during this strange time.
2. Wear your mask at home for short periods of time.
Let the mask feel like it can be a part of you. Dance with your mask. Listen to music. Take selfies. Do whatever makes the mask feel like your mask is a part of you.
3. Remind yourself of your free will to choose.
If your anxiety spikes during a mask-wearing outing, keep telling yourself different choices you’re making in real time. Say, “I choose to…” For example, if you’re about to turn right on as you approach a perpendicular street, tell yourself, “I choose to turn right.” Repeat this for the smallest of choices. Consciously exercising your free will to make choices reduces a perception of powerlessness and increases a sense of personal agency.
4. Strive to better understand your triggers.
Pay attention to the situations that trigger your anxiety. Keep a log of each bout of mask anxiety. A note on your phone will suffice. For each occurrence, write down where it occurred, what you were thinking at the time, rate your anxiety from 1-10 and remind yourself of what you did to calm down. Read over your notes. Talk through your triggers with trusted loved ones and a mental health professional.
5. Practice breathing techniques with and without your mask on.
The more you practice bringing your breathing under control, the easier it will be to self-soothe when you’re feeling anxious with a mask on. Do relaxation exercises at home with your mask on. Here’s an example of a anxiety-reducing relaxation exercise you can try.
6. Practice visualization exercises to simulate wearing a mask in real life.
Picture yourself wearing a mask in different environments that represent varying levels of stress. Begin with the least stressful environment you can imagine encountering and rehearse relaxation exercises to calm your breath. See yourself as relaxed in your mind’s eye. Then move on to visualize more stressful places where a mask may be a challenge.
7. Give your mask a name.
Build a nice relationship with your mask by naming it. Talk to it. Reason with it. Laugh at it and with it. Relate to it as a friend. “Buddy, I gotta loosen you. You’re too uptight.”
8. Consciously send healing vibes to people you see.
Focus your thoughts on how your mask is protecting the people around you. Wish each person well as they pass you by. Transmit thoughts of love and healing. We’re all struggling these days. Bringing your attention to other people’s well-being can get you outside of your own anxiety. Tell them in your mind that you’re protecting them. The world desperately needs your good vibes and sense of social responsibility to heal.
9. Think of the children.
Remind yourself of the children you’re potentially saving by wearing a mask. Imagine kids thanking you in their cute little voices. Step outside of your suffering by picturing their smiles of gratitude. You’re making a sacrifice by being so uncomfortable.
10. Embrace the anonymity.
Your mask offers you a level of public anonymity that you’ve probably never experienced before. A teenager told me he likes to think of himself as a ninja when he wears his mask. Find a fascinating angle on mask anonymity. Embrace temporary hiding out. Enlist your imagination.
11. Get angry at your anxiety.
This is not my first choice compared to the other anxiety reduction techniques, but some people find it effective. Anger is the flip side of anxiety. You can’t feel both at the same time. Focus on how annoying your anxiety can be. Talk back to your anxiety. Yell at it in your mind. Tell it that it can’t control you.
12. Try name calling. That is, give your anxiety a name.
Naming your anxiety reminds you that anxiety is not all of you: rather, it’s a part of you. This anxiety reduction technique represents another way to increase your sense of control in the face of uncertainty, similar to my recommendation to get angry about your anxiety. Call your anxiety a person’s name and let it know how you feel. There’s something comical in this, but it can work if you buy into this technique. “Herbert, you suck! Go away!”
13. Find the humor in your situation.
I know that there’s nothing funny about all of the tragedy that the Covid-19 virus has inflicted on the world, but for survival’s sake, look for what funny about a given situation. Laughter can be neutralizer of mask anxiety. I think about the inevitably awkward moments that this pandemic has created. How would Larry David respond to a scenario you find yourself in? George Costanza? Kramer? The Modern Family characters? What about your favorite comedic characters?
14. Wear a funny, protective mask.
There are plenty of masks for sale with slogans that will give you and strangers a good chuckle. Knowing that you’re delivering humor to the world may help you feel less anxious with your mask on.
15. Make your mask a fashion statement.
If a humorous mask isn’t your thing, then can you make it about fashion? A few masks that match your clothing can go a long way. I wouldn’t make this recommendation if we weren’t in the midst of a global pandemic, but a little style can go a long way for easing your mask anxiety.
16. Online therapy = an anxiety game changer.
Seeking out an online therapist in a global pandemic is a sign of massive strength. Work on lowering your anxiety from the comfort of your own home with an online therapist. This experience can improve more than mask anxiety. Online therapy for anxiety with the right mental health professional can give you the perspective you need to understand and control your triggers, as well as the less obvious influences on your anxiety.
17. Imagine a light around you that protects you.
Imagine a blue light protecting you from all danger. Focus your energy on this force field. Picture a round aura protecting you. Send love to it. Repeat to yourself in a loving and confident voice, “I am protected.” This exercise is no joke. Creating a reminder of your safety can reduce your anxiety.
18. Start a creative, mask-related phone or video project.
Talk to yourself on camera about what you’re going through. Document this time in your life so that future generations can see what you endured. Share your wisdom from lessons learned. Creative projects lower anxiety.
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