How to Center Yourself in the Age of Anxiety: Values 101
So many people, old and young, enter therapy describing their anxiety as intruding into so many aspects of life, as though there’s no comfortable place to land their thoughts. Anxiety seeps into activities of daily living it has no business bothering.
Some psychologists would respond to this presentation by saying , “Well, it sounds like you have Generalized Anxiety Disorder. Let’s come up with a treatment plan to relieve you of your anxiety.”
Psychoanalytic therapists would then dive deep into your past, orbiting around childhood trauma, parental failings and early, heroic childhood solutions you arrived at to exist in your family and beyond.
CBT psychologists would focus more on the relationship between your thought patterns, feelings of anxiety and actions. They would zoom in on irrational beliefs, core beliefs and automatic thoughts that lead to anxiety and vice versa.
The problem could be “generalized,” but the solution should be more nuanced and thoughtful.
A Roadmap for Finding Direction
As a CBT psychologist in New York City, I work with a lot of ambitious people who tend to be cerebral — powerful thinkers who deal with big problems at work while juggling busy personal lives. Whether it’s a Wall Street banker, an in-demand actress or a student who is just learning how to exist in the world as an adult, people generally want concrete solutions to their problems.
While I do offer tools for managing anxiety, I have found over the years that the treatment of overwhelming anxiety must also include a roadmap.
Money, job titles and recognition often become the default roadmap for ambitious New Yorkers…and it’s totally understandable. If you’ve invested much of your time and money building toward your professional dreams, it makes sense that you’d want to be rewarded in line with your expectations and motivations. However, this kind of roadmap is likely to spike your anxiety and promote a rudderless sense of direction in life, even if you’re successful.
What Do You Value?
Choosing a set of principles and valued actions with regard to what really matters you goes a long way in relieving anxiety, rumination, social discomfort and even depression. When you have an enhanced sense of what guides you, many seemingly difficult decisions become crystal clear. Values have an amazing grounding effect, and yes, they do play a major role in alleviating mental suffering. (Here is a list of valued domains, even though they are commonly called values.) Values that are represented by one word, such as discipline, are not very helpful in one’s effort to manifest them. Values are active statements that sometimes include an adverb or an adjective. For example, actively protecting family traditions is a value, as opposed to being guided by family or tradition.
Direction Not Perfection
Ambition and close attention to detail often translates into unrelenting perfectionism. Gaining a better sense of what actions you truly value allows you to pay less attention to outcomes and invest more in the journey, the process of life, which promotes compassion, perspective and lower stress.
The Age of Anxiety and Values
In our fast-paced, phone-led lives, it takes extra effort for most of us to press pause and reflect on important questions that allow us to get in touch with our values. It’s so much easier to jump from quick hit to quick hit. Life can be heavy, but to get where we want to go, we have to both accept what is AND look deeper. Anxiety and worry can obstruct our efforts to peel back the onion and see what guides our behavior at our core. If live only within our worries, putting out fires as they arise, but not daring to understand what is behind our uneasiness, then we miss out on improving our quality of life through living according to our values, the guiding force that takes away lots of unnecessary concerns and indecision.
Know Your Obstacles That Prevent Your Values from Guiding You
While naming and living in accordance with your values can be a life-altering decision, having curiosity about what keeps you from manifesting your values is very important. Some people are so overwhelmed at baseline that they don’t feel like they have the mental bandwidth to dig deeper into the land of what really matters. Other people are stuck in jobs and relationships that don’t align with their values. This discrepancy creates massive inner conflict that can either be avoided or faced and cleared.
Without much inner work and questioning, we are likely to take on the behaviors and values of our family members or people who tell us what to care about. For example, a parent might have taught you that people can’t be trusted and you should value putting family first (regardless of how you’re treated….or mistreated). This put-family-first-at-all-costs value can be soul crushing if you find yourself serving the needs of your parent and not making a healthy separation and individuation from your family. What if it leads you to have no boundaries or limits? This is a vey common example of a value that ends up harming you in more ways than you might realize.
Another common obstacle with regard to being blocked from living true to your values is when the company you work for promotes values that don’t align with your personal values. For example, making the sale at any cost might conflict with your personal values involving striving to be honest and authentic.
I guide my clients through the process of discovering their own values, finding meaning in places they haven’t dared to look and clearing obstacles preventing them from manifesting their values.
Values represent a roadmap for life. They naturally tell you what feels right and true to you.
As a psychologist in NYC who offers values-oriented CBT therapy, I have had success with clients who seek to clarify their values. A big part of the outcomes my clients have achieved has to be with my love of my work. I enjoy helping clients to discover their values, as well as to “name and tame” obstacles preventing the expression of what really matters to them. Values give an infusion of meaning and purpose. They reduce depression and anxiety when they are placed in the center of your world.
Value-oriented CBT therapy represents a wonderful way to center yourself in the age of anxiety.
Please feel free to reach out with any questions.
All the best!
Greg Kushnick
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FAQ – Narcissistic Abuse Recovery and Therapy
Recovery from Narcissistic Abuse – Common Questions
Can I recover from narcissistic abuse?
Yes. It is certainly possible to recover from narcissistic abuse. However, a full recovery requires a good deal of personal discovery, as well as an essential reduction in the narcissist’s access to you. Therapy is not required to recover, but it certainly makes a huge difference to have an experienced therapist guiding you through the recovery process. There are many other factors that will impact your healing process, including any past history of abuse at the hands of a narcissist (e.g., childhood abuse, prior abusive partners), a readiness to help yourself/ the right timing, the severity of the current or recent abuse and the extent to which you can achieve physical and psychological space to heal.
I offer CBT therapy for narcissistic abuse. For 25+ years I have worked as a psychologist in NYC helping people who have been victimized by narcissists. If you’re committed to the process, real healing can occur.
How do I recover from narcissistic abuse?
The process of recovering from narcissistic abuse requires some form of personal and psychological distance from the narcissist. It doesn’t absolutely necessitate that you have zero contact with the narcissist, but a lack of contact will probably expedite your recovery. Of course, some people simply must have contact with the abuser, such as in the case of sharing children with the narcissist or remaining committed to trying to make a long-term relationship with a narcissist work.
Assuming you can first achieve some form of space to heal, you will need to deepen your understanding of the tactics the narcissist uses against you. You will also need to learn how to cut off their narcissistic supply or give it strategically by choice if you must have contact. In addition, because narcissists tend to strip people of their own separate identity, you need to discover who you are separate from the relationship, including your wants and needs, values, interests and self-worth separate from your relationship with the narcissist.
The process of healing also involves gaining a deep understanding of the narcissist’s tendency to blame you (or others) for most or all of their problems in life. The narcissist maintains the upper hand as long as you’re in a perpetual state of doubting yourself.
Can I heal from narcissistic abuse if it occurred many years ago?
Yes. Therapy for abuse that occurred in past relationships or in childhood can be effective. Quite often, the therapy aims to help you heal from past abuse while assisting you in avoiding problematic relational patterns in adulthood that you learned as a child. Sometimes the work focuses on someone who has passed away, so the remnants of the abuse interact with a grieving process.
What is the best therapy for narcissistic abuse?
There is no single therapeutic approach for healing from narcissistic abuse that would be considered “the best.” You can achieve results with a skilled therapist who understands the nuances of narcissistic abuse. Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) represents one approach to healing from trauma and abuse, but there are other wonderful methods. Somatic therapy and EMDR represent two other approaches.
I have found that my clients tend to appreciate my enhanced CBT approach to healing from narcissistic abuse, which is primarily guided by a cognitive behavioral framework, but also informed by other helpful approaches that can be catered to the client’s way of viewing life. Since each individual views themselves, their relationships and the world as a whole in different ways, a flexible therapeutic approach can be extremely beneficial to the client.
CBT allows for more of a focus on your here-and-now experience. It enable you to handle and dispute irrational and troubling beliefs, and it aims to help you feel prepared to handle future difficult emotions and moments.
I must say though that the rational side of your mind only represents a part of your thought process. Much of human thought does not involve logic and reason. This is why I incorporate other methods of therapy — to help you to understand and manage the visual side of your mind. I like to think of it as the videos you play in your mind that don’t lend themselves to logic. Healing must involve sensations in the body, your fantasies, hopes and looping images that come to mind.
How do I deal with mental abuse from a narcissist?
The first step is to gain psychological (and, in some cases, physical) protection from the abusive individual. The therapeutic work is limited in its effectiveness if you don’t give yourself the space to process and heal. If the narcissist is actively harming you, it’s important to gain safety.
Because narcissistic abuse alters your sense of personal value, what you believe you deserve, your accountability/who is to blame, guilt, shame and so much more, you need outside perspectives from trusted individuals, as well as a better sense of who you are outside of what you’ve been told by the narcissist and possibly other abusive or neglectful individuals in your past.
The worst thing y0u can do is keep the abuse to yourself and avoid seeking support from trusted friends and family. It’s nearly impossible to recover from narcissistic abuse on your own. You need people- outside perspectives, preferably from friends AND a mental health professional.
Managing mental abuse from a narcissist must also involve learning to set boundaries with this individual and others in the future.
Should I do therapy after narcissistic abuse?
Therapy with an experienced therapist is likely to expedite your recovery from narcissistic abuse.
What is brain fog in the context of narcissistic abuse?
Brain fog refers to a sense of confusion, self-doubt and disorientation that sometimes results from prolonged narcissistic abuse. Many victims of abuse report feeling like their mental sharpness has been taken away, like they can’t trust themselves. Sometimes when some distance from the narcissist is achieved, there is a sense of derealization, as though the freedom isn’t real.
What are the four D’s of narcissistic abuse?
The four D’s relate to people who are married to a narcissist. The first three D’s represent the likely behavior of the narcissist, and the last D is the expected outcome.
DENY: The narcissist tends to behave abusively and then denies that it ever happened or changes the narrative.
DISMISS:The narcissist tends to minimize any response you have that makes them accountable. They can make you doubt your own judgment, opinions and memory of events.
DEVALUE: The narcissist wins when you are doubting yourself and making you feel badly for what you’ve done. They put you down to keep control over you.
DIVORCE: It is very common for marriages to end as a result of one partner having narcissistic tendencies.
How do I support someone who has been abused by a narcissist?
The goal is to make it safe for them. Be a sounding board for them but don’t force your version of reality. It takes time to heal. People need patience and understanding from their support system. If someone is in physical danger, then immediate action is needed (National Domestic Abuse Hotline -Tel. 1-800-799-7233).
Can narcissists be helped?
While there aren’t many former narcissists, some progress can be made in therapy, even for people with narcissistic tendencies. However, the prognosis is usually not great. Ideally, the motivation for seeking help would be intrinsic. When narcissists get help based on an ultimatum, usually progress is possible but limited to the extent to which the person can take responsibility for the actions. Where I’ve seen the most success is when narcissists feel like they have something major to lose, the timing is right and there is at least a shred of an internal push to take responsibility and become a “better” person.
All the best to you on your journey,
Greg Kushnick
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10 Questions for Finding Direction in Your Next Career Move
“Your unique gifts hold the key to your true purpose” – An Inspirational Purpose Quote and 10 Important Questions for Direction
Quick Ideas for a Career Shift in the Direction of Your True Purpose
Figuring out what you’ve been put on this Earth to accomplish is one of the hardest questions in the world to answer.
This inspirational quote about purpose is meant to guide you one step closer toward answering this question. Some people feel like they know their true purpose, and others are struggling to get even a shred of an idea about what they’re meant to do.
If you don’t know your gift, this might help to give you leads. Keep in mind that there are other great quotes and lessons on finding purpose created on Vomo. So do have a look around to find more on the subject once you’ve read and answered these questions.
Answer the five questions below to bring yourself closer to an answer. Keep in mind that your true purpose can change and expand. For example, many people get in touch with their purpose as a parent once that tiny little mush of a baby is in their arms.
10 Questions to Inspire You to Find New Career Direction
Ask yourself:
1. What tasks or topics seem to come easy to me as compared to most people?
2. What do I love to talk about for hours with people?
3. What jobs or tasks does my physical being make it easier for me to accomplish well?
4. What did I always dream of being as a child? What did I role play with other kids?
5. If you had no fear and there were zero negative consequences involved, which career would you pursue? Hobbies? Other potentially fruitful risks?
6. Are you at peace with your job being something that simply earns you money so that you have the freedom to engage in purposeful activity outside of work?
7. What did your parents tell you that you could never do (but maybe you really can)? Was there a path toward a career or passion you once had that you abandoned?
8. What is your version of being creative? What kind of self-expression do you find the most powerful for you to create.
9. How would your friends, family, colleagues and teachers describe you in terms of what makes you unique?Feel free to ask them.
10. Most importantly, when people enter your space, what do you strive to give them? Laughs? Information? Integrity? Companionship? Understanding? Non-judgment? Challenge?
What is this lesson and quote on purpose and career direction intended to inspire in you?
These questions are meant to motivate you to ask the right questions. Do you allow yourself to accept your unique gift? Are you too self-loathing, confused or anxious to accept that you have clear strengths and weaknesses?
Remember, your sense of purpose is not a clear path with no obstacles. You will struggle. You will doubt yourself. Your comfort zone will hug you too tight. You might want to turn back once you head into unfamiliar territory, but don’t until you’ve taken it far enough to know if you’ve found your gift/purpose.
Also, keep in mind that depression can profoundly influence your sense of purpose. For example, you could have discovered that you want to write comedy or play in a band, but you have to endure periods of low mood and poor motivation. Ride out the storm and your purpose will return. Talk it out. Self-express. Eat and sleep as well as possible.
Don’t discount spirituality and religion as ways to find purpose. Community can help you see what you’re good at and what people get from you that betters their day. I hope you enjoyed my career quote and lesson.
Don’t forget….your purpose can be determined if you haven’t already figured it out. You have gifts. I’m sure of it.
GK
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How to Recover from an Abusive Relationship with a Narcissist
Once you’ve decided to distance yourself from a turbulent, long-term relationship with someone with narcissistic features, there are important things to know in your recovery process.
I will give you a few pointers to get you on the right track. In this post I am referring primarily to the consequences of narcissistic abuse. (To further your awareness of qualities of a narcissist, take a look at my article on the signs you’re in a relationship with a narcissist.)
The person from whom you’re trying to achieve distance can be a romantic partner, friend, parent, sibling, coworker or other kind of affiliation, so I’m not just referring to romantic relationships.
You’re not alone if you’ve been shaking your head, feeling incredibly self-loathing about how long it’s taken you to try to move on from this toxic relationship. It’s quite common for this to happen. Rather than judging yourself for it, try to channel this energy into understanding what you need at this point to move on. Achieving emotional (and hopefully physical) distance from the other party is the goal.
Lift the Mental Fog of Narcissistic Abuse
An often hard-to-describe experience both in and after a long-term abusive relationship is vague and deeply troubling sense of mental confusion, a cloudy headedness that can impact the recovery process. This mental fog is typically the result of prolonged exposure to abuse, especially when your sense of reality was chronically questioned and ignored, when you’ve been gaslighted and when you were made to feel shameful or wrong for the thoughts and feelings you had. A mental fog can make real life feel like it isn’t so real at all, a phenomenon akin to derealization. This can include the experience of watching your life from a distance as though you’re another person watching your life, something akin to the notion of depersonalization.
In addition, even when you’re removed from exposure to the the narcissistic abuser, it might feel like there is still a threat, or like you can’t believe the threat is no longer present or less present. You might still feel a sense of hyper-vigilance mixed with a brain fog. There could be moments where you kind of shake your head and say to yourself, “I can’t believe this person doesn’t have access to me any more.” Or when the abusive cycle becomes blatantly clear, “I can’t believe I was in that!”
Be prepared for some people in your support network to seem confused when you describe this mental fog. It’s hard for people to wrap their minds around the idea. Therapy can be incredibly helpful for clearing the fog and making greater sense of who you are outside of the abusive cycle. As a psychologist in NYC who has worked with clients in so many varying situations involving narcissistic abuse, I have notice that the mental fog and exhaustion often starts to lift when there is a combination of sense of safety, an experience of learning more about one’s own needs, values and personal goals separate from the relationship, as well as a developing narrative for the relationship that offers greater perspective and a shifting of the blame away from the self.
Conquer Self-Doubt – The Weapon of the Narcissist
You may find that you’re constantly questioning yourself in and after your relationship with a narcissist. Making simple decisions can feel confusing and draining. This is at least partially because the weapon of the narcissist is self-doubt. The narcissist “wins” when you doubt yourself. It has let them get away with behaviors that only served their interest. Narcissists feed off of you questioning your own intentions. As long as you feel like a bad, helpless or dependent person, the narcissist is free to weave his or her own narrative for the two of you and make your decisions for you.
Since self-doubt is a natural state of mind for all of us, it can be tricky to separate what is human from what is narcissistic abuse. Narcissistic abuse recovery is about learning how to control this default mode of self-doubt, most notably by separating what is the narcissists voice in you from your own. But in order to do this properly, you need to explore who you are and what matters to YOU, separate from the relationship.
Rediscover Who You Are and What Matters to You
In the first therapy session, many clients who have suffered from narcissistic abuse say, “I don’t know who I am.” Therapy for narcissistic abuse is about exploring identity questions on multiple levels. Now that you have greater safety, you’re likely to also have more mental bandwidth for reminding yourself of who you are separate from the painful relationship you’ve endured.
It is quite common for people who have been exposed to a narcissist over a long period of time to feel incredibly confused in the process of rediscovering likes and dislikes, what feels healthy and toxic, what you “deserves” in contrast with what the narcissist led you believe you deserve, your values, personal goals and much more.
Self-exploration is much safer and more interesting when you’re also curious about learning to managing the guilt, shame and fear imbued in you (and reinforced over a long period of time) by someone with narcissistic tendencies.
Clarify What You Think You Deserve
Narcissists have a very painful way of teaching people what they deserve. The narcissist’s tendency to blame others for their problems and play the victim when they are finally held accountable puts a very heavy burden on the recipient of the person who was mistreated.
Therapy can help you unburden yourself from guilt and shame, which makes the process of discovering or reconnecting with your sense of value and worth more achievable. This process will lay the foundation for understanding and setting boundaries in future relationships or with the narcissist if you still have to interact with the narcissist, such as in the case of shared custody of children.
Commit to Creating Stronger Boundaries
Personal boundaries create clarity and safety in relationships. You’re essentially communicating to people, “This is what I’m willing to do and what I’m not willing to do.” It comes from a space of valuing your self, including your mental health, time, and effort.
Relationships with people who don’t respect your boundaries deserve to be reevaluated for how much of an investment you need make in the future.
Boundaries give you mental freedom. They protect you from mistreatment. They signal to you what matters to you. They remind you of your self-worth.
I help clients to do this work and I sincerely enjoy the process. Feel free to reach out with any questions.
All the best to you!
Greg Kushnick
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One of the Keys to Managing Depression
If I had 30 seconds to explain the key to getting over a bout of depression, I would offer one piece of advice that represents essential self-treatment for depression.
Depression can have so many manifestations ranging from mild and fleeting waves of melancholia to severe and debilitating months or years of suffering. With that said, among the many ways to combat depression, a commitment to practicing this one rule can speed up your recovery from any form of depression and catapult you toward happier days.
How do you overcome depressive experiences at a more rapid pace?
When you feel depressed, move toward people as opposed to withdrawing into your own world of social avoidance.
Strive to build a muscle of social approach within your depressive experience.
It will shorten the amount of time you suffer even if being around people seems to make you more depressed! For the best results, keep practicing social approach in between depressive phases.
You don’t have to love your time with your support network. Just allow yourself to be supported. Let your friends give you perspective, test your depressive reality and encourage you to think and behave in ways that pull you, even momentarily, from your depressive reality.
Your Social Approach and Depression
Your success with building a habit of social approach depends on two factors: (1) you how choose to design your time with friends and family, and (2) your willingness to talk about what your going through.
If socializing guarantees that you’ll drink or do drugs excessively, than you’re not going to help your cause. Alcohol and recreational drugs also lengthen the amount of time you will suffer, so try to create social situations that promote thoughtful, peaceful and sober bonding. Getting together with a friend to exercise, engage in a hobby or listen to music is gold in the fight against depression, especially if you agree to hold each other accountable to keep your shared commitment.
The maximum benefit can be gleaned when you’re willing to share what you’re going through. If opening up is hard for you, choose someone who seems less judgmental or who has experience with depression. Sometimes an in-person conversation about what you’re going through can make a dramatic difference in how you feel.
The social approach strategy means that you’ll have to fight the temptation to cancel plans. Everyone loves to cancel plans these days. It’s now become more socially acceptable to ghost your friends, but this is only the formula for unhappiness. Resist the desire to cancel plans if you want to overcome your depression, unless your low mood is extreme…I’m talking a 9 or 10 out of 10. When this happens, push yourself toward in-person support as soon as possible.
You might feel compelled to retreat into your own world of suffering when you’re depressed. This emotional cave certainly has its function when life feels overwhelming or when being around people feels intolerable. After a long and tiring day of pretending to go with the flow of work, school or parenting, I can understand why you’d would want to be left alone to watch your DVR in peace, but in most cases avoiding people will only elongate depression.
An introvert who is naturally inclined to withdraw from people (to stay in his or her comfort zone) might find it less helpful to move toward people when he or she is depressed. I work with a lot of introverts in my private practice and I’ve learned that even introverts with depression can greatly benefit from accessing their support system.
An uptick in social support will probably compel an introverted and depressed person to rapidly withdraw from people at certain points. That’s totally fine as long as people are seen as a source of strength, perspective and comfort in the battle against depression.
In this case, I would recommend a rapid oscillation plan. That is, you withdraw because you need to, but then get yourself in front of people and open up about what you’re going through.
If you have extroverted tendencies, you’ll probably have an easier time practicing social approach during a depressive phase. With that said, no matter how much you enjoy your social circles, depression compels most people to avoid social contact due to a decrease in motivation and energy.
The choice to move toward people and resist the muscle of withdrawal and avoidance can help you in so many ways, such as giving you a place to test your reality which depression tends to distort. Friends or family can offer alternative ways to view your problems, your relationships and your future. Social support also allows you to step outside of your suffering and have a neutral to enjoyable time. Most of all, the people who support you can make you find a tiny seed of hope and an ounce of meaning when depression makes you feel devoid of both.
So many people make the mistake of thinking that they can overcome their depression alone.
Just know that if you choose to avoid people when you’re depressed, you’re asking for a slow, uphill battle. Social avoidance creates a greater disconnect from purpose and hope. It distorts the way you view your relationships.
Your depression feeds off of social avoidance and an over–reliance on messaging as a source of support.
Please note that when I talk about accessing support, I’m not referring to messaging or emailing people more often. Digital communication can be helpful up to a point.
(Published on HuffPost)Dr. Gregory Kushnick is a licensed psychologist with a private practice in Manhattan’s Chelsea and FiDi neighborhoods. He strives to provide the most actionable tips on the web and in person for relieving emotional distress. He has successfully treated hundreds of people who struggle with depression, anxiety, trauma, panic, addiction and relationship issues.)
Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Therapy in NYC: What to Expect
In my years of experience as a psychologist in NYC, I have come to the conclusion that the hardest part of therapy for people who have endured narcissistic abuse from a romantic partner, parent, sibling or boss, is actually starting therapy in the first place.
Everything else seems to unfold with greater ease once the process begins. It’s as though everything you’ve endured in an abusive relationship with a narcissist has created a wave of resistance, an uphill climb through self-doubt, guilt, shame and confusion that dilutes any effort to take care of your mind and body. However, once you place yourself in a safe therapeutic space for processing the abuse with an experienced psychologist, something shifts.
An amazing thing happens. You start to learn who you are separate from the abusive relationship. You see the tactics of the narcissist more clearly and you start to respond differently. You learn how to begin to set better boundaries that give you a sense of mental freedom and control. You feel like you have more of a sense of choice. Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Therapy can change your life if you let. I have seen the effects over my 20+ years as an NYC psychotherapist and it’s remarkable.
I’ll Meet You Where You’re At
I will support you at whatever stage you’re at in the relationship. Some people come to therapy needing help to leave an abusive relationship. Others have already left and are needing assistance with the fallout of the separation. And some people have decided to stay in a relationship with the narcissist because of other factors like the presence of shared children or a work situation they cannot yet end. I will meet you where you are. No judgment. Let’s help you to get a handle on the difficult aspects of exposure to narcissistic abuse.
Manage Shame and Self-Doubt
The main psychological weapon of choice for narcissistic individuals is self-doubt. As long as you are questioning yourself, foggy minded, ambivalent, confused and shameful, the narcissist has control. I help my clients come out from under this blanket of self-doubt. It’s so liberating when it happens and it’s one of the most gratifying parts of my job as a therapist who specializes in narcissistic abuse in New York.
Learn the Tactics of Narcissistic Abuse
I will make it easy for you to understand the specific tactics of the person who is manipulating and harming you. As a result, you will be more prepared with a variety of tactics for feeling more empowered to cope with actual exposure to this individual or memories of troubling interactions with this person. My methods tend to be quite effective, especially for clients who are motivated to create something better for themselves.
Discover Who You Are Separate from the Relationship- Find Yourself!
Therapy for narcissistic abuse involves trying to come to terms with the treatment you’ve endured at the hands of a narcissist, and in that process is figuring out who you are separate from the relationship. Years spent as the child of a narcissistic parent has most likely conditioned you to think about yourself, your value, your abilities in terms of how he or she wanted you to think and feel. The same goes for a spouse or shorter-term romantic partner. Therapy will help you plug in to who you are and who you want to be for yourself and the world.
I find this work incredibly fulfilling and I’d love to have the opportunity to help you.
For more information about me and my approach, please consider listening to The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast on narcissism on which I was a guest. Here is another the link to the podcast on Apple Podcasts.
If you’re not whether or not your partner is a narcissist, please take a look at my article on the signs of narcissism. As a therapist who specializes in narcissistic abuse recovery, I have seen so many different manifestations of abuse, so I am well-equipped to handle most issues related to narcissism.
Please feel free to reach out to me with any questions about getting started in therapy for narcissistic abuse in New York City. I offer in-person CBT therapy and online therapy from my Chelsea office.
All the best to you!!
Greg Kushnick
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Social Anxiety Treatment in NYC: Your Questions Answered
Hi there. I’m Dr. Greg Kushnick, a psychologist in NYC who treats clients with social anxiety on a daily basis. I truly enjoy helping my clients to overcome their social struggles and I strive to offer the most effective methods for treatment of social anxiety. I hope you learn something new from the information provided below. Please don’t hesitate to contact me with any questions. All the best!
All About Social Anxiety Treatment
Do I have social anxiety?
Do you often avoid social situations? Are you mentally uncomfortable when you’re socializing, to the point where you’re preoccupied with saying the wrong thing, making a fool of yourself, being rejected or becoming revealed as a fraud? Do you often beat yourself up after socializing and find yourself ruminating about something you said that may have been interpreted the wrong way? Do you need to drink alcohol every tine you socialize? A “yes” to any of the above-mentioned questions suggests that social anxiety might be preventing you from living a more fulfilling life. Here is a short screening for social anxiety.
…But isn’t it normal to be anxious before and during social situations?
It is certainly normal– up to a point. We all experience nervousness before and during certain social situations. It really depends on how much the anxiety leads to avoidance, rumination, self-loathing and an inability to gain a sense of connection and fulfillment from your social engagements. Everyone has a weak spot when it comes to socializing. For example, you might be comfortable in most social situations, but when it comes to connecting with your high school or college friends, you feel extreme anxiety and discomfort. Social anxiety is considered a problem if it leads to significant and chronic avoidance of social opportunities or extreme anxiety that doesn’t subside while socializing, and it gets in the way of feeling connected to people and socially fulfilled.
Can my social anxiety really be helped by therapy?
What is important to know about coping with social anxiety in New York City?
New York City culture celebrates social performance. That translates into pressure. Pressure to seem like you have your life figured out, pressure to succeed and keep up with your peers, pressure to make lots of money. It’s so easy to slip into the mindset that everyone else is doing better than you are. That’s a typical cognitive distortion. Relieving yourself of some amount of social pressure can help you feel less anxious.
What is the best therapy for social anxiety?
In my experience, the best treatment for social anxiety is an approach that includes Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), which includes gradual exposure therapy. In my 25 years of experience, insight-oriented therapy for the treatment of social anxiety tends to be less effective. Insight alone will most likely do very little for social avoidance and negative beliefs about oneself. You need a behavioral component for therapy to be effective when you’re trying to improve your social success. CBT allows you to challenge problematic belief systems and use the therapy as a launching point for testing out new personal theories and beliefs in the real world.
Can you self treat social anxiety?
You can self treat social anxiety if it is mild and doesn’t compel you to avoid many social situations. At minimum, treat your social anxiety by talking openly with a friend who understands you and around whom you can be yourself. Check in regularly with this friend after social experiences and evaluate what went well and awry. Share any self-critical thoughts post-socialization. Keep checking in with this friend to remain accountable. Again, this is the minimum you can do for your social anxiety besides educating yourself about this issue. I recommend therapy because social anxiety is highly treatable with the right therapist.
How do therapists fix social anxiety?
I can only speak from my own experience as a CBT psychologist in New York. You can overcome social anxiety by altering your belief system, learning to dispute irrational beliefs, acquiring new social strategies and coping skills to feel more prepared with more options in social settings and testing reality by applying new skills and information in new social experiences.
How do you calm down social anxiety?
The goal is to feel more prepared in social settings. CBT therapy allows you to acquire skills and perspectives that give you more control over your anxiety. Therapy for Social anxiety can be relieved by learning how to manage a self-critical and self-loathing internal voice.
What happens if social anxiety is left untreated?
Untreated social anxiety that is considered moderate to severe is likely to lead to increasing levels of social avoidance, with fuels the power of negative thoughts about the self to guide your choices and dictate your mood.
What is the best exercise for social anxiety?
Where do you meet people with social anxiety in NYC?
Where should I go if I have social anxiety?
How do I tell if I’m socially anxious, depressed, or both?
Well, one distinction that some people find helpful is to think of anxiety as the anticipation that a catastrophe will occur in the future, as opposed to depression, which is the sense that a catastrophe has already occurred in the past. Do you tend to worry that something bad will happen to you, or that something has been already lost? The truth is that anxiety and depression often coexist. This is because social avoidance tends to lead to rumination, which tends to include thoughts about failure, embarrassment, shame and negative self-worth.
These negative thoughts and feelings promote more avoidance. Also, people justify social avoidance by the relief they believe they will feel by steering clear of a chance to have negative beliefs verified through negative social interaction. No one wants proof of their darkest thoughts about themselves, so avoidance serves a powerful short-term purpose. Long term, however, depression can set in if social engagements are chronically avoided, as a sense of helplessness and negative self-worth can take over if there isn’t positive social feedback or appropriate outlets to gain a healthy perspective about how social anxiety makes you think, feel and act.
Many people are just anxious or just depressed. Some people give themselves enough social wins and opportunities for connectedness to avoid getting depressed, despite their intense social discomfort. If you have low self-worth and you frequently interpret social interactions in the service of verifying your negative beliefs, then chances are you will develop depressive tendencies over time. If you frequently leave social situations feeling like a failure, embarrassed or shamed, the tendency to avoid will promote depression, and the tendency to push forward and keep striving for better experiences will be a buffer against depression.
Perfectionistic tendencies can also play a role in social anxiety and depression. (See below.)
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CBT for Social Anxiety in New York City
We all have a need to connect with others. This basic human need can be a source of mental discomfort if we have obstacles preventing us from placing ourselves in opportunities to gain social fulfillment.
Social anxiety is a common experience, but for many New Yorkers, especially people who lean toward a high achievement/high control-type of personality, social anxiousness can reach incredibly uncomfortable levels that promote avoidance of potentially satisfying experiences and relationships. Social anxiety disorder (SAD), also referred to as social phobia, is a label that is given when the anxiety has a debilitating impact on your life. I’m not a huge fan of labels, but sometimes they are helpful for making distinctions and identifying the best course of treatment. Social phobia is sometimes used to refer to unrealistic fears regarding a specific social scenario.
The tricky part of social anxiety is that avoidance often becomes the default way of coping. Of course, mild avoidance of social situations can be helpful, as it allows for time to sit with one’s thoughts and recover from a stressful week or a particularly exhausting experience. However, more persistent avoidance of social situations leads to a vicious cycle of greater avoidance and self-loathing/self-criticism.
When you actively avoid social situations (or use significant amounts of alcohol to cope with social situations), you experience relief from the feared scenario of having to endure extreme discomfort, a panic attack, potential rejection or failure. However, for many people there is also an equally uncomfortable or even worse feeling of discomfort that comes with the failure to socialize.
People often judge themselves harshly and feel remorse about missing an opportunity. Taking away opportunities for social connection only reinforces negative beliefs about the self. In addition, I have found that chronic social avoidance caused by social anxiety also leads to varying amounts of depression, ranging from a mild case of the blues to more severe and debilitating depressive experiences that affect daily life in profound ways.
CBT Therapy for Social Anxiety
The good news is that therapy for social anxiety can be very effective. I find that clients seem to benefit more when I incorporate cognitive behavioral therapy (or CBT therapy for short) tools into my approach. Exposure therapy for social anxiety disorder is added to the treatment as needed.
Put another way, successful treatment of social anxiety via CBT therapy requires a few components:
- A cognitive approach that emphasizes altering thinking errors and unrealistic self-standards, and reduces self-criticism and rumination.
- A behavioral/coaching approach that focuses on reducing unhelpful emotional responses and increasing exposure to social situations, while using feedback gleaned from new social experiences to inform efforts to alter problematic beliefs and standards.
Managing Social Anxiety in NYC
New York City culture amplifies the importance of social success and performance. The most socially successful people are celebrated in real life and on social media, which creates pressure, shame, FOMO, fears of losing one’s job, and a lot of other uncomfortable thoughts for many people.
Frankly, it’s just a whole lot of pressure to be social in NYC.
Since the pandemic ended, I have seen a significant increase in the number of clients requesting CBT therapy for social anxiety/phobia. It seems as though the stakes are even higher in a post-pandemic NYC where many people are working remotely at least part of the workweek, which limits opportunities for true social connection and places people in their own heads for a greater portion of the day, as opposed to directing energy toward others.
This closed system of chewing on your own thoughts in place of in-person social exposure appears to make thoughts of self-doubt, rejection and avoidance run wild.
Effective Social Anxiety Treatment in NYC
I’m here to help you with your social anxiety. If you’re searching for a psychologist for yourself or for a loved one, an experienced CBT therapist can make a huge difference in helping to reduce social anxiety and avoidance.
Feel free to reach out with any questions regarding therapy for social anxiety. I love what I do and I am happy to work with you or your loved one.
All the best,
Greg Kushnick
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The Starting Point for Managing Anxiety
As a psychologist in New York City who has conducted thousands of sessions helping clients manage their anxiety, I have come to understand that there is one key to managing your worries. This key unlocks your ability to gain a sense of control over anxious moods and thought patterns. What I’m proposing also helps with an intense fear of something specific, such as a work presentation, medical test results or childbirth.
Just to clarify, when I use the term “anxiety,” I am referring to persistent worry and severe concern in response to an event that may or may not happen, the very uncomfortable anticipation of negative things to come. Anxiety involves a response to something in the future that is less likely to happen. Sometimes we feel anxious without any conscious awareness of what we’re anxious about.
We can all relate to the looping repeat of uncomfortable thoughts that accompany anxiety. Anxious moods steal our ability to focus on work, relax, bond with loved ones and get sound sleep.
My success with helping clients who are grappling with anxiety has depended on establishing the proper starting point for gaining a sense of mental control. In essence, the stage must be set before the band can start playing a relaxing tune.
Managing Anxiety Starts Here
The key to managing anxiety is gaining a sense of hardiness, or faith in your ability to cope with the unknown. Having this faith allows you to know that you’ll be ok no matter what happens. Hardiness is not easy to achieve, but the presence of just a drop of faith goes a long way.
How do you build up your hardiness? It starts with telling yourself 50 times a day, “No matter what happens, I will be ok.” If fear of a specific event is overwhelming you, try gently picturing yourself in the feared scenario and then tell yourself this message 50 times as you look around experience the sights and sounds of this event.
See yourself as making it through the event if you can picture what you fear. Say to yourself, “I made it.”
If this kind of imaginary exposure feels like it’s too much for you, that’s ok! Just feed yourself the reassuring message without imagery.
Faith in your ability to cope can come from a variety of sources. There’s faith in your mind, which refers to a sense of being able to control your thoughts and a sense that you’ll be ok if you lose control of your mind. The chaos doesn’t last. It’s time limited.
You actually do have at least partial control over some things that make you anxious. For example, if you’re getting a procedure done in the hospital, can you decide which doctor will perform the procedure, or the music you listen to, or who will be with you when you’re recovering? Focus on the choices you actually CAN make. The ability to choose some of the minutia of the feared scenario really helps.
The other side of building hardiness is to accept that there are some things you can’t control, which necessitates even a mild commitment to letting go and trusting in yourself, even if you know you will suffer for a period of time. This is where faith comes in. Faith in doctors, faith in God, faith in your efforts to take care of yourself, faith in people to make good decisions and do what’s best for you.
Building Faith in Your Mind
Your ability to control stress and anxiety ultimately depends on how much you believe your mental health can absorb a difficult event.
Sometimes faith in your ability to cope has to do with recognizing what your body can do for you without conscious effort. You were built to cope and return to a comfortable baseline of body functioning. Your body always resets to achieve as close to a sense of balance and equilibrium as possible. For example, if your heart rate soars in anticipation of a catastrophe, you need to remind yourself of your body’s ability to return to a comfortable state. Mental suffering generally comes in waves or cycles, as opposed to a permanent, unrelenting negative experience.
A sense of hardiness is also connected to your immune system. If you tell yourself that you can handle something, your body can have a stronger immune response. Of course, this is not true in ALL scenarios, but feeling hardy certainly gives you a physical boost of strength. Feeling like you can’t handle something is likely to elevate your cortisol levels, which weakens your body’s healing response.
Tips for Managing Anxiety and Building Hardiness
Below are a few hardy suggestions for learning to manage your anxiety.
- Start by sharing your experience of anxiety more authentically with a trusted person in your life. Remind yourself that you have this person to lean on if needed.
- Make sure you go at least one step outside of your comfort zone. It’s ok to be a bit uncomfortable if your behavior is in the spirit of striving toward something.
- Spend time identifying what’s important to you. What are the values you live by? What kind of person are you striving to be for the world? Judge your behavior based on these commitments. Knowing your values and who you are striving to be serve as a guide for difficult choices and personal boundaries.
- Take time to evaluate your personal boundaries with others. Who makes you do things you don’t want to do? Who makes you feel badly about yourself? Consider reading the book Set Boundaries, Find Peace to get a wonderful introduction to setting healthier boundaries.
- Evaluate your expectations for how an anxiety-inducing situation is supposed to go. Do you need to spend time learning to be less perfectionistic? Do you expect too much of yourself or other people? Setting reasonable expectations promotes feeling less shocked by negative outcomes.
- Pay attention to how you use your phone to self soothe. Are you over-reliant on your phone or should you commit to bringing uncomfortable thoughts under control without a screen?
Please feel free to reach out and ask a question or if any of this information feels like something you want to work on in therapy.
Good luck to you and your hardiness!
-Dr. Kushnick
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How to Find the Best Psychologist in NYC for Your Mental Health Needs
Dr. Gregory Kushnick, Licensed NYC Psychologist
Tel. 917-566-7312
138 West 25th St., Suite 802-B4, New York, NY 10001
Finding the best NYC psychologist for your needs can feel like an impossible task. I’ve put together a list of some great strategies for finding a therapist. So many current and prospective patients have shared with me how daunting it feels to find a psychotherapist in New York area. I hope this guide will make your search easier.
Tips for Your NYC Clinical Psychologist Search
1. Cross reference your findings from therapist listings with Google searches.
Don’t stop at the information offered on New York therapist listing sites such a Psychology Today. Find a therapist by going a step further to learn what potential mental health clinicians are really about. Has the psychologist written anything of interest or reported on the latest research? Do they seem modern, worldly and knowledgeable based on their online presence? Do they have impressive reviews on Google? What about their website? Do they talk in a relatable way or do they sound cliche?
2. Pay attention to your first reaction to the picture of the therapist’s face.
There’s so much valuable information in your gut reaction to how he or she looks. Does his or her face make you feel at ease or stressed out. Is it a face you can trust?
3. Ask your friends if they had a psychologist they enjoyed working with.
A referral from a trusted friend is gold. Don’t be afraid to share your need for mental health therapy. Getting the help you need is a sign of strength. Friends who will judge you for needing therapy may not have your best interests at heart and are probably not very evolved.
4. Interview 2–3 prospective clinical psychologists unless you’ve found your match with the first one.
Don’t hesitate to ask questions about what matters to you. Call or email the therapist and ask away. If they don’t make time to answer your questions, then stay away.
5. Seek to understand the psychotherapist’s theoretical orientation/ their approach to therapy to see if it matches the style of therapy you’re looking for.
This one also requires a call or email. Ask them to explain how they conduct therapy and what guides their approach. If they can’t answer clearly, don’t choose them. Do you want a more collaborative CBT experience? Structured? Traditional/psychoanalytic? Existential? Don’t be afraid to ask.
6. Speaking of the phone call, see how you reach to the therapist’s voice.
Does his or her voice soothe you? Is it harsh? That voice has to calm you, but also potentially motivate you.
7. Do some research on the different types of mental health clinicians in New York City.
Are you looking for a psychologist (who is likely to have more formal schooling/training on diagnosis and treatment), a clinical social worker (who could potentially have even more extended training than a psycologist, but you have to ask or google), a marriage and family therapist (who specializes in couples therapy but can still be an amazing individual therapist), a mental health counselor, etc?
8. Many New York City psychotherapists specialize in something or have developed a special skill based on the types of clients they attract.
Most NYC therapists list anxiety, depression and relationships as their specialty. That doesn’t tell you much. Ask your prospective New York psychologist with whom do they work best work? Patients with anxiety? Addiction? For example, I don’t have a specialty per se, but my practice has attracted clients grappling with certain problems, such as panic attacks, social anxiety and work stress, which has prompted me to develop my skills further to give them a great healing experience.
Feel free to contact me if you have any questions about this article or if something is unclear. I love what I do and I want you to find the help you need.
I have created other articles on the topic of finding a NYC psychologist if you want to read more. Please take a look at some of my other psychology articles on HuffPost to learn more about my philosophy.
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