New York City magnifies social pressure in ways most cities don’t. So many people report how difficult it is to build a sense of community in NYC. Multiply that difficulty by tenfold when you’re grappling with significant social anxiety. Since New York city amplifies social discomfort, it takes a clear understanding of your specific triggers and a strategic approach to living more comfortably in your own mind and body among others in the big city.

As a psychologist in private practice who works with ambitious, high-achieving clients, I’ve learned a few things about what appears to exacerbate social nervousness and what brings relief.

I’m going to share with you some reasons why NYC makes people with social anxiety suffer more than other places. I’ll also offer some tips for feeling better about your “New York social self.”

How NYC Triggers Social Anxiety

Here are some factors that make New York City even more challenging for New Yorkers with social anxiety:

1. The culture of “confidence”

New York City is an intimidating place. People tend to put on a performative outer shell and it’s believable!  You might say to yourself, ““I feel like everyone here is confident, successful, social, and unfazed… except me.”

From an idealized perspective, NYC rewards charisma, boldness, and being visibly self-assured. Social anxiety makes you feel like everyone else has it all figured out — except you.

New York City is a place where comparison is unavoidable, strangers feel intimidating, and social interactions can feel more like performances than connections. Even people who don’t typically struggle with social anxiety feel it rise here; for those who already feel sensitive to judgment, NYC can feel like a pressure cooker.

Theoretically, showing the world your true, flawed, beautiful self should be enough, but in NYC, people often feel pressure to be interesting, successful sharp, funny and busy. Social interactions can feel like mini auditions.  Even casual conversations feel like you’re being evaluated. This amplifies the core fear of social anxiety: “I am being judged.”

From my work with New Yorkers with social anxiety, the thought that tends to plague people the worst is “What if they see my anxiety?” Sometimes people experience symptoms of panic in social settings when they feel found out and there’s no easy way to escape the situation. Anxiety can start as mild discomfort and build into something much more intolerable because of a hyper-focus on how it feels, combined with a sense of being stuck in a specific social setting and under scrutiny. CBT therapy can be helpful in preventing anxiety from converting into panic. 

2. Constant comparison

It’s easy to slip into a constant state of comparison you’re surrounded by people who look very financially and socially successful. It’s hard to remember in NYC that you’re only seeing the outside of their lives, not the part that may be just as uncertain or anxious as yours.

It’s standard for New Yorkers to perpetually grapple with self-deprecating thoughts like “Why aren’t I doing more?” and “Why does it seem like everyone else can handle the city except me?” People with social anxiety tend to have next-level self-judgment before, during and after social engagements.

Among acquaintances, friends or colleagues, the socially anxious mind may revert to looping thoughts like “Am I being perceived as boring?” The internal, critical voice might be asking the following questions:

“Why does it seem like people have interesting things to talk about and I’m the only one with nothing to say?”

“What if they see that I’m not contributing to the discussion”

“Do I look good? Why does everyone else seem more put together than me?”

“What if they notice that I’m so anxious?”

“How is everyone else so comfortable with each other?”

“Do people know each other better than they know me? What if I look like the odd one of the group?”

Social referencing, or the habit of comparing yourself to your peers’ social, romantic, financial and professional accomplishments, gets amplified in NYC. Socially anxious New Yorkers tend to fall for the cognitive distortion of perceiving that other people are doing better or are ahead of them. This social comparison bias adds a layer of shame, disappointment and exposure when anxiety is high around peers.

3. Networking as a lifestyle

In New York, professional and personal worlds overlap. People with social anxiety tend to feel totally exposed to the point where their anxiety, thoughts and negative traits are on display. NYC adds a constancy to this fear of being evaluated. Letting your guard down feels like it’s just not an option when you’re potentially going to meet people who have something to offer your career, even when it’s in a purely social situation.

When a true networking opportunity occurs, the pressure to convey competence, expertise and success can be unbearable. Many people feel pressure to socialize not just for fun, but to maintain momentum in their careers.

If you have social anxiety, a simple conversation may feel like a test you could fail. When you decide your career can benefit from a conversation with a new person, that pressure worsens.

4. Narcissism Central

New York City attracts a lot of talented people. Some of these people are the product of talented parents who experienced a lot of success on Wall Street, in entertainment or with their own business. Narcissistic people tend to be successful in their career in terms of achieving accolades and money, not necessarily from social perspective. In fact, people with strong narcissistic tendencies tend to lack close, meaningful friendships. However, they may present as having the most superficial relationships and social media “friends” of anyone.

Socially anxious people, just like the rest of the NYC population, are faced with the challenge of navigating around narcissists. However, social anxiety and narcissism go together in an unfortunate way. It’s as though people with narcissism can sense who is socially anxious and bring them under their influence. The allure of the pathologically-certain, well-put-together narcissist who is decked out in multiple symbols of success has the power to attract almost anyone. When social anxiety creates a need to be liked, valued and approved of, the attention or blessing of the narcissist has much added value.

In addition to my work with people who suffer from social anxiety, I have developed an expertise in helping people who have endured narcissistic abuse. I have also worked in depth with people who have narcissistic traits. I see how influential narcissistic people can be over the socially anxious. The most important thing I can say here is that behind the veil of narcissism is a person who feels fragile, vulnerable and in need of validation. Narcissists are NOT in love with themselves. In fact, an argument can be made that they need your love and admiration more than you need theirs. They live in a constant state of needing a supply of validation. You need to see through the armor of charm, charisma and attractiveness that many narcissists present with. They will promise you the world and offer things that will short circuit your brain. It’s called future faking. Don’t fall for it. Stay away if you can.

I recommend that you study narcissism and be able to identify narcissists when you see them. Here are two articles I’ve written, one on true love and narcissism and the other on trusting yourself again after narcissistic abuse. to familiarize yourself with the dynamics. Also start paying attention to TV. series and movies that show a character with narcissistic tendencies. Consider doing a deep research dive by watching Dr. Ramani Durvasula’s videos on narcissism to learn all about the many presentations and effects of narcissism. narcissists have scary power over people with social anxiety. They can instantly make you feel powerful, almost like you’re merging with their greatness. You might suddenly feel a burst of enhanced social value by association with their social and/or financial success. It’s a common. phenomenon, but trust me…it’s challenging to back out of a relationship with a narcissist.

Boundaries become very important in your social interactions with people with narcissistic tendencies. They will push you to go outside your comfort zone, which might seem intoxicating at first, but eventually it changes. At some point you will find yourself feeling more anxious than ever as you serve the narcissists needs. All of the social benefits that you first basked in will slowly dissipate and you’re likely to feel stuck. With solid social support (and potentially professional help), you can distance yourself from the narcissist and reclaim your life. I know this all sounds extreme, but I see on a daily basis how people with social anxiety fall prey to narcissists. And in NYC you are walking amongst them everywhere.

5. The noise and pace of New York City

NYC moves quickly, and social interactions often follow that same rhythm. Brunch begins the partying and socializing early in day. Then there’s the afternoon-weekend plan and the night plan. Socially anxious people often take more time to recover from social situations. When the social battery empties early in the day, the thought of heading out to the next social engagement can feel so overwhelming. The expectation of keeping a packed social schedule or there’s something wrong with you, creates unrealistic pressure. You may feel like you need to keep up, respond fast, or be “on,” which is exhausting.

My clients have taught me that the constant noise, both in the outside environment and inside the mind of the socially anxious New Yorker, gives added necessity to the act retreating to the confines of your apartment. All of the kinds of pressure I’ve outlined above makes recharging/hiding out at home the only way to live in NYC when you’re constantly trying to keep up, as well as get through every social encounter without embarrassing yourself.

The NYC apartment can become a safe space when social anxiety makes you avoid social interaction. In my work with clients who are grappling with social anxiety, a large part of the therapy process tends to involve working on the muscle of avoidance. People with social anxiety tend to conduct the most self-critical and painful post-mortem evaluations of a social experience. They rarely give themselves a free pass. When a punishing self-evaluation of social behavior tends to be the default mode following constant social interaction, the city can feel like it’s just….too….much. The city apartment then becomes a place to hide. Quite often, for the socially anxious New Yorker, future social opportunities are skipped in favor of the comfort of home. Social avoidance is correlated with depression and withdrawal. In my experience as a psychologist, CBT therapy can counter the influence of depression on social avoidance and the tendency to follow social experiences with extreme negative self-evaluation and rumination over social failures.

6. The impact of remote work in NYC

Of course, remote work is not unique to NYC, but in a highly competitive environment that puts a premium on polished social performance, working remotely on a regular basis can create a host of mental health challenges.

Many of us bask have basked in the convenience of remote work, a lasting remainder of the covid pandemic. However, too much time at home promotes fewer opportunities for social engagement and feedback. Remote work is likely to promote social avoidance, a greater sense of job insecurity and increased anxiety. People can feel more insecure when they work remotely, especially when they are worried about layoffs. The feedback you get from regular face-to-face social exposure with coworkers and managers offers a greater sense of knowing where you stand.

It’s harder to build relationships when you’re working remotely in NYC. The hybrid work model can negate some of the negative effects of reduced social exposure, but for the socially anxious individual, an ongoing sense of connection to coworkers counts for a lot. The relief many socially anxious people experience from not having to perform in person during remote work can end up making in-person work more challenging.

In my role as a psychologist, I’ve seen people with social phobia really struggle to find their place at work when the job is mostly remote. Navigating office politics and forging alliances are extra tricky. For example, post-Zoom meeting self-judgment can worsen because you get less feedback as compared to still being present in the office to process the interaction organically with a trusted coworker at the water cooler. The nuances of social engagement also become a bit blurry when you’re working from home. There’s just less organic feedback available when most communication is through a screen.

7. The use of AI for social connection and answers in NYC

An increasing amount of socially anxious people are relying on artificial intelligence for social connection. Back and forth dialogue with an AI companion or chatbot offers a lighter social interaction full of acceptance and fake connection. I would argue that dependency upon AI chatbots like ChatGPT and Gemini make New Yorkers more socially uncomfortable. Within the comfy confines of a relationship with an AI companion or chatbot, you might feel a sense of ease that you can’t get easily from actual social interaction. Reliance upon AI can make you feel less social anxiety in the moment, but it impacts your thought process in real life, the effects of which we are just beginning to understand as a society.

First, there have been documented cases of AI companions and chatbots giving dangerous advice. Second, and more relevant to managing social anxiety in NYC, the over-reliance upon AI for social engagement makes actual social interaction more anxiety inducing. Given the demands of the NYC social life, including all of the social pressures mentioned above, people with limited social exposure (with live humans) and a propensity toward social avoidance will  only feel more evaluated, awkward and vulnerable in actual social interactions. AI social interactions create a false sense of belonging and alter social norms and expectations. Picture going from a cozy at-home session during the daytime with an AI companion (online socializing) to a night out in NYC where you have to navigate through ambiguous social encounters (offline socializing.) In this scenario, socially nervous individuals could experience a foggy and uncomfortable sense of confusion and disconnection around real people.

I completely understand how people might start to develop a tendency toward social avoidance and choose “safer” virtual options such as AI social media and gaming interaction, especially given how overwhelmed and uncomfortable they can feel before, during and after time spent in the intense and unforgiving NYC social culture. Why choose to subject yourself to an uncomfortable state of being negatively evaluated under the critical microscope of the NYC social and dating scene when you can retreat to a safer world of social options at home? I totally get it, but what happens when these options only give you temporary relief and you start longing for real, live, in-person social connection in NYC? Your social anxiety might say stay away, but the human need to belong, to be seen, to feel valued by another, to feel like you’re getting the most from living in the greatest city in the world is hard to suppress.  

What should you do to manage your social needs when you’re living in NYC?

Solutions for Socially Anxious New Yorkers

Social Anxiety Therapy for New Yorkers

In my biased opinion as a clinical psychologist, I believe that therapy with the right therapist can help you manage all of the social challenges posed by NYC.

Social anxiety often comes from a harsh internal voice. Therapy can help you soften that voice and build a healthier, more compassionate self-view. When you can identify what situations set off your anxiety (and why), you can predict them instead of being blindsided. Therapy assists in the development of tools you can use at work meetings, social events, restaurants, or even on the subway.

You can also learn to feel more comfortable in your own body. Psychotherapy can help with the physical symptoms of anxiety, including the racing heart, tight chest and shaky voice so you don’t feel trapped by your own nervous system.

The idea is that you build confidence gradually. You don’t have to jump into big social situations. We take small, manageable steps that build self-trust.

Socially anxious people tend to be overly critical and punishing when it comes to evaluating how a social event or conversation played out. They tend to pick on one or two things they said (or omitted) and put themselves on trial for their mistakes. This intensely negative, ruminating, post-mortem about one’s social performance can lead to social avoidance. I work with socially anxious people to break the cycle. 

Practical Tips for Managing Social Anxiety in New York City

(Necessary disclaimer: These nuggets of advice are general. They do not constitute or imply a therapeutic with this writer.  They are merely suggestions.)

1) Strive to develop a more realistic understanding and acceptance of your strengths and weaknesses. 

When you’re more accepting of the areas in which you struggle, it triggers less shame and avoidance. What if you’re not as socially agile as your coworker, even if your coworker seems to be more liked by management? You have your undeniable strengths as well. If you’re unclear about your strengths, ask a trusted friend or family member for their sense of how you show up for them and what they admire about you. Learning to talk about your relative weaknesses while feeling less shame goes a long way toward feeling more socially comfortable in NYC.

2) Move toward understanding that most social appearances are just that — appearances, not reality. 

This is a general tip, but you can practice seeing through false appearances on social media. Not only does excessive social media use indirectly promote social anxiety and self-loathing, but it teaches you over and over again that you’re not enough!

Look at any post across platforms and process the post on two levels. Ask yourself, “What is this person trying to appear as or convince me of?” Then think about what the post brings out in you. Does the post make you feel not good enough? Does it compel you to want someone else’s life, belongings, money, body, partner or job? Essentially, this exercise when repeated helps you to avoid falling for the intense power of social media to make you feel like you need something different than you already have. Pay attention to how posts make you feel deficient, defective and in need of change.

Don’t be fooled by social media. Monitor your use of social media because there is a tipping point in terms of sheer usage beyond which social media promotes social withdrawal, languishing and self-loathing for New Yorkers.

3) Do you know what social values matter most to you?

New York City pulls people in the direction of worshipping social success, material wealth and perfection. The following recommendation is meant to counter this influence so you can decide for yourself what really matters to you.

Identify 3-5 of the personal values that relate to your social self. Social values dictate what matters to you in social interactions. Some examples of social values are humor, giving, listening for the gold in people and acceptance.

No one can question your social values if they resonate strongly with you. Don’t choose values that you should manifest. That will only promote shame. Choose values that fit your personality and make life seem more meaningful.

In fact, values serve as a roadmap that guides you toward a more fulfilling and purposeful life. In terms of social anxiety, values are a grounding force that makes you question your decisions and judgment less. If you live according to your values, you will feel a protective sense of security and self-assurance. If you can conclude that you strived to behave in accordance with your social values, even if the actual manifestation wasn’t exactly as planned, you won’t be so critical of yourself in your post-mortem evaluation of your behavior in a social interaction.

I offer values-based CBT therapy for my clients. I have noticed the positive impact that this therapeutic focus has on people.

4) Study your relationship with money and the concept of success. 

So many people in NYC seem to make decisions that are influenced more by their relationship with money than their relationship with sound mental health.

I’m asking you to consider your mental health more in your decisions. For people who tend to make impulsive decisions, such as adults with ADHD and social anxiety, consider having an ongoing phone communication with a friend who can talk through decisions with you in a non-shame-inducing way before making a choice that will tank your mental health. For example, if you tend to drink to excess to cope with social interactions, come up with a plan with a friend so that you’re better to your mind and body when you next socialize. Have your friend hold you socially accountable and review what happened with your friend by phone after the social outing.

Given how many symbols of wealth and success there are in NYC, it takes a lot of perspective to keep in mind what really matters to you. If you can better understand your relationship with money, you will be less influenced by your triggers. People often fantasize about what wealth will bring them. When you have too many fantasies of this variety, it’s correlated with overall life dissatisfaction and a sense of deprivation.

What does success mean to you? This will determine how negatively influenced you are by people who appear to be successful when you’re navigating through a social situation. The goal is to see through the veil of the appearance of perfection in others.

Conclusion

New York City can pose so many unique challenges to people who tend to question their own value. A deepening of your understanding of how and why your triggers lead you to feel socially anxious can go a long way in reducing their impact.

Ultimately, for the socially anxious New Yorker, you need to monitor how all of the influences of living in New York City promote social avoidance and distortions in your thoughts about yourself, your relationships and your future. I am a strong believer in CBT therapy as a way to ease the social stress made worse by NYC culture and all of the unreasonable expectations it can burden us with to perform, keep up and be socially successful.

I wish you all the best! And please feel free to reach out to me if you have any questions about therapy for social anxiety in NYC.

Gregory Kushnick, Psy.D.

Tel. 917-566-7312

Chelsea/Flatiron Office

138 West 25th St.

Suite 802-B4

New York, NY 10001

FiDi/Wall St. Office

30 Broad St.

Suite 1433

New York, NY 10004