Was the Love Ever Real? How to Recover from Narcissistic Abuse

Did my narcissistic partner ever truly love me?

This painful question comes up so often in my work with people who have suffered from narcissistic abuse in a romantic relationship. I have found  it helpful for people to start with the question: “Can narcissists feel love toward any romantic partner?”

The answer requires an understanding of some general tendencies of narcissistic people and the common trajectory of a romantic relationship when a narcissist is involved. My hope is to nudge you in the direction of arriving at your own conclusions that block the narcissist’s ability to define you, as opposed to you forming your own opinions and wrestling away some psychological control for them over your self-concept. There is peace in that. In this piece of writing, I’m going to make the assumption that you’ve been hurt by someone who may have narcissistic tendencies.

Below you’ll find some common questions that people who have endured narcissistic abuse often ponder as they reflect on what they’ve endured at the hands of a narcissist.

(Two disclaimers: First, please excuse my inconsistent use of pronouns. Most narcissists are male, so I often default to male pronouns. Second, narcissism as a personality trait should be viewed as existing on a continuum. Some people have narcissistic tendencies more consistently than others. Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a distinct diagnosis. I often go between labelling people as narcissists and saying that they have tendencies. In my endeavor to offer you information on true love and narcissism, I wander among varying ways to say someone has narcissism.)

What If I Question What Kind of Love I Deserve?

The question of true love is complicated by the question of whether or not you think you deserve it. If the answer is not a quick and obvious YES!!!!, then we have to pause for a second. Despite any mistreatment you received in the relationship with the narcissist or in earlier relationships, via abuse or neglect, it’s possible you’ve been convinced that you only deserve bad treatment. Narcissists gain their power by making their partners doubt themselves. Self-doubt is the main weapon of the narcissist. If they are able to put you in a perpetual state of feeling like you don’t deserve things like respect or kindness, then they can control and manipulate you at will.

I must tell you that everyone has a right to be truly loved. Many people respond to this statement by saying some version of, “I wasn’t totally innocent in the relationship.” Other people take it to a more self-loathing place, a reaction fueled by trauma, to reach the conclusion that they deserved to be treated badly. My answer to that is no one deserves to be abused in a partnership.

We have a right to love. This right cannot be taken away from us. No matter how well or badly people have treated you in the past, you have the immovable right to be with someone who loves and respects you. We will cover the notion of respect a bit later in this article.

There is one thing I want you to begin to embrace in your recovery from narcissistic abuse, regardless of how much you believe or deny that there was ever true love in the relationship:

You CAN reach a more permanent state of peace and mental wellness, usually requiring that the relationship ends and you learn to value your own love and set the appropriate boundaries by doing the mental work of processing the trauma. You can find yourself again. Your experience with a narcissist grants you invaluable wisdom that can inform future decisions in other relationships, romantic or otherwise.

How Do I Separate from the Narcissist’s Opinion of Me?

In order to heal from the negative impact of the narcissist’s recklessness, manipulation and control, you need layers of perspective. That is, the ability to separate, at least slightly, from the emotional wreckage of the relationship by looking at what you endured from a safe distance. This is often achieved through boundaries, such as minimizing or completely cutting off contact with the narcissist. In order to set solid boundaries, you need to have a general sense of your own value separate from what the abusive person has convinced you to think. If you let the narcissist’s abuse define you, which is a common consequence of prolonged narcissistic abuse, then you’re likely to take on a more self-diminishing approach to pondering the question of whether or not the narcissist truly loved you.

But if you can dare to think that the love you experienced at some point in the relationship was the most the narcissist could possibly love another within a romantic relationship, including in future relationships, then it takes a bit of the pain out of pondering this question.

In all of my work as a psychologist in NYC treating victims of narcissistic abuse, as well as the narcissists themselves, I have learned that there is a true cap on the amount that a narcissist can love another. It’s not as though they reserve another level of true love for a future relationship. They might be able to exist in a longer term relationship with someone else, but the extent that they can feel true love for another individual is hindered by psychological limitations. It is with certainty that eventually the narcissist will play out their control and manipulation with the next romantic partner.

What Limits a Narcissist’s Ability to Love?

The most crucial aspect of truly loving another individual is the ability to see yourself as a separate entity from the other individual. That is, you can consistently see the other as having needs, wants, desires and expectations that are separate from your own. These needs cannot be seen as a threat. They must be prioritized as nearly as important as your own needs, wants desires and expectations.

But seeing the other as a separate individual is not enough. In order for Person A to recognize Person B’s inner psychological world, Person A must also be able to see Person’s B’s needs, wants, desires and expectations as valid, even if they conflict with their own inner world. What makes another person’s needs valid? Empathy.

Empathy is defined as the ability to sense another person’s emotions, aka “affective empathy,” and actually mirror what someone else is feeling. Empathy is also the ability to take on another person’s perspective, aka “cognitive empathy,” which is based on an understanding of their emotions and what they are going through.

Think of the narcissist as a young child who is too frightened and self-focused to have any mental bandwidth for feeling and understanding what someone else is going through. This child acts in the service of getting his or her needs met because it feels like a matter of survival. Think of the narcissist as lacking the skill of entering another person’s mind and looking around at the world through the other person’s eyes. Some narcissists can show empathy under limited circumstances.

What are these other limited conditions? One motivating force behind a narcissist’s empathy is when the novelty in the relationship. Newness itself compels many narcissists to go to extremes. They essentially “crash into you” with their expressions of affection. Fueled by temporary infatuation and obsession, they can make you feel intoxicatingly seen and understood. Once the novelty wears off in the relationship, which could be an arbitrary decision of the narcissist that makes no sense to you, it is very hard for the narcissist to offer true empathy.

However, one situation that may elicit something like empathy, which is probably more aptly named “fake empathy,” is when the narcissist needs something from you. They view this offering as a transaction, a way to manipulate you into getting what they want. For example, the narcissist wants to look good when they meet your friends so they turn on the charm to maximum levels and make everyone feel so incredibly understood and validated. This makes them look like the ultimate partner because people are often so impressed. They have been tricked into thinking that you struck gold by finding this person.

The song and dance of the narcissist is unrivaled. They can impress even the biggest skeptics. But it’s skin deep. Under the surface is someone who needs to feed. They ski across the surface while doing impressive tricks and jumps. looking like a champion, but lacking the ability to dive deeply into your true essence. They see what they can get from you.

Your vulnerabilities are seen as a weakness to the narcissist–something they can point out to weaken you. Once you are mentally broken down over time, they need to give less and less for you to give in. You accept the minimum because the self-doubt they have instilled in you rises to the surface with very little prompting. Then they have their way with you. However, it doesn’t have to be this way. You deserve better, despite what they say, despite what the beginning of the relationship led you to believe about their potential.

Why Is the Concept of Narcissistic Supply So Important for Abuse Recovery?

Narcissists need to feed. From my days of watching the show True Blood, I often compare narcissists to vampires. It makes it easier to grasp their desperation to get validation to others. Just as the vampire needs to feed, the narcissist must find people to supply of validation and control.

A romantic partner can temporarily offer validation to the narcissist (with a very important emphasis on the word temporarily in this sentence.) Without people to feed off of, the narcissist, cannot access a sense of relevance. They use people to control their own emotions by dominating the world around them. They struggle mightily, getting desperate and punishing, if they are deprived of control and the experience of being valued.

Consider the following idea: People with narcissistic tendencies need to fill their narcissistic supply above all. This can appear to look like true love when they act sweet and caring, a brief display of intoxicating softness in their approach toward you. 

The narcissist must determine simply needs to get their needs met. This supersedes anything. There is terror in not feeling validated for the narcissist. In fact, being ignored or made to feel ordinary or irrelevant is kryptonite for the narcissist.

If their needs are in conflict with the needs of their romantic partner, the narcissist must act to eliminate the threat. Sometimes they can deliver what is asked for by the other, but it is usually temporary because it is done to get their own needs met. They aren’t really thinking about what’s good for you. It’s just a manipulation to get what they want.

Can a Narcissist Receive My Love?

Let’s turn this into the two-fold question: Can of narcissists can feel your love and give a similar form of love in the same sequence? The answer is that they can feel your love and give back something special under two conditions: First, and most important, they can momentarily feel your love when their narcissistic supply is filled. Your admiration, attention and validation can satisfy them enough to be able to feel love for you and maybe give you something in return. However, it is incredibly important to know that their receptivity is fully dependent on them gaining their narcissistic supply. So it’s essentially love with a footnote.

Second, when the relationship is new and exciting, usually ranging from days to months, the narcissist can love strongly and feel your love more fully. The initial stages of the relationship might be the most intense memories of lust, desire, caring and connection that you’ve ever felt. It may sit in your mind like a fairy tale that you feel compelled to chase. Recollections of your initial, picture-perfect love may represents what you’ve always wanted.

This can span a few days of the most intense lust and desire you’ve ever felt, a memorable summer fling, and even, in some cases, a few years of decent marriage. Once the novelty runs dry, the narcissist will look elsewhere for their supply and it has nothing to do with the quality of your love or your self-worth. It’s not about you. They need a new source of validation no matter who you are or what you’re about. They will discard you or gradually offer less and less until you have no platform to get your needs met in the relationship. Their needs will dominate and you will pay a heavy price for making your needs important.

What If My Initial Romance with the Narcissist Was Unrivaled?

So many victims of narcissistic abuse are chasing the best of times with the narcissist, as though there’s a way to get back to it. Many narcissists are charismatic, attractive, successful, bright, charming and downright irresistible. They know how to convince you to go beyond your boundaries to get what they want from you. First, it’s their song and dance that has you singing only their tune. Their promises of a perfect future together are so appealing, which is sometimes referred to as future faking. In the beginning they can serve you an emotional platter with everything you’ve always wanted….until they willfully drop the platter.

This is often why people idealize the beginning of the relationship and chase that feeling they once had when they first met the narcissist. Add the need to prove your worth to the narcissist, the unwinnable game they have brainwashed you to play. Chasing the best moments of your relationship with a narcissist PLUS needing to know that they don’t think horrible thoughts about you, needing to please them/avoid conflict is a recipe for long-term suffering, a ticket to prolonged abuse. My deep hope is that you’ve moved past any effort to bring the relationship back to its glory days, that you’re so tired of trying to prove yourself because it will never happen.

As a psychologist in New York City who works on a daily basis with victims of narcissistic abuse from a former romantic partner, I have seen clients whose worlds are turned upside down after the relationship ends. They feel incredibly lost and must go on a journey to reclaim their sense of self. Their sense of value has been gutted, and they slowly make their way through all of the lies and manipulations to reorient themselves to reality. The ability to trust again may be in question, as well as what they deserve in general. The therapeutic process assists victims of narcissistic abuse with finding their way back to level ground.

Can Narcissists Be Vulnerable?

True love requires vulnerability in the form of bearing your soul to another human being. True love is losing yourself in another and being wholeheartedly invested in that person to the extent that you would do anything to be close to them.

Many narcissists can do this in the beginning of a relationship when things are very new and exciting. They share themselves with you in a way that feels so authentic. The love bombing is convincing — you want to believe it because the marketing package they offer is otherwordly. You become proud to be with this person because they are so appealing. It’s like you merge with their greatness and the world feels perfect.

This NEVER lasts because narcissists can’t be vulnerable for more than a brief moment, unless it’s the beginning of the relationship and everything is experienced as an intense first. Sometimes narcissists reveal their true self when they have been outed and the curtain of boldness and superiority is lifted.

A common example is when the abused partner gets so frustrated with the narcissist that they threaten to leave them and call them out on the truth about them. I’ve heard so many stories of narcissists reverting to a regressed, childlike state to make the attack stop. They sometimes become self-destructive and appear so wounded that it’s nearly impossible to keep speaking the truth to them. They appeal to the compassionate, caretaking side of the abused partner, and unfortunately, this tactic often becomes highly effective in luring the more empathic partner back into the relationship.

Unfortunately, narcissists see other people as more of an extension of themselves. They see the parts of a person that can serve their needs. They will never see the totality of you. This is what limits their ability to feel empathy. If they only see what they can get from you and how you can serve their needs, then it makes sense that they can be profoundly cruel and minimize your needs.

Is Love Bombing Considered Real Love for the Narcissist?

When the romance starts, many narcissists have the uncanny ability to deliver a brand of love that surpasses people’s wildest dreams. In fact, the love can be so convincing and intoxicating that it will make the recipient feel, think and do things that put them in the vulnerable and compromised position of being locked in to the relationship despite any major warning signs. Yes, love bombing is an idealized state of being loved that has the power to convince even the most stubborn skeptic that the love is real and has the potential to be long lasting.

Love bombing, a common tactic of narcissists, involves an intense campaign of flooding the partner with all kinds of affection and grand gestures. There’s the constant communication of the narcissists feelings for their partner. There can be paragraph after paragraph of romantic texts filled with poetry, sexual fantasies, plans for a future together and every way the narcissist is inspired by the other.

Being on the receiving end of love bombing is so intense that it can convince even the most stubborn skeptic that the love is real!

Not every narcissist love bombs. Introverted narcissists may be more subdued about their expressions of love, but their behavior is impressive enough to convince their partner of the realness and potential permanence of their feelings.

Think of love bombing as the setup for mistreatment.

It might be the closest thing to love that the narcissist feels, but it’s always short lived. For many people it takes months to years to recover from the sudden, mic-dropping experience of the narcissist’s love ending. It’s like going from ecstasy into sudden darkness and gloom. Shock, disbelief, intense sadness, numbness, self-doubt and confusion are common reactions to being suddenly discarded by the narcissist when the love bombing ends.

I’ve heard stories of people in a new relationship going on the most fulfilling, love-filled vacation with no sign of doubt in the narcissist’s behavior, and when they returned, the narcissist never spoke to their partner again. Done.

Love, Recklessness and Control: Narcissistic Abuse Whiplash

The sad truth is that the narcissist’s lack of empathy and hyper-focus on getting their validation supply filled leads to careless decisions that tank your mental health…and sometimes your physical health.

Dr. Ramani Durvasula, the world’s leading expert on narcissism, has aptly described narcissists as reckless. They care very little about how their choices impact you. They manipulate and control you to serve their needs. This recklessness makes any expression of love from the narcissist fleeting. Just as you allow yourself to enjoy their love for you, the record scratches as they hurt you in an unfathomable way. Maybe they convinced you that you deserve it. Maybe you’re used to taking one for the team, but it’s not sustainable from a mental health perspective.

Relationships with narcissists can persist over time with periods of peace under one condition. That is, the narcissist trains their partner that the expression of needs will be punished, so the partner learns to ask for less and less to make the relationship work. “Balance” in the relationship means that the partner gives and the narcissist takes. Inevitably, in a long term relationship, the partner’s mental health deteriorates because of this dynamic. There is just so much someone can give when their partner acts in such a reckless and controlling manner.

Some partners of narcissists retreat into fantasy, longing for the love bombing days, clinging to the hope of a return to relationship glory with the narcissist. When the narcissist’s reckless behavior is challenged, the partner will be reminded of the (one-dimensional) important way the narcissist has been “generous,” most often regarding financial generosity. The narcissist will leverage this form of giving to coldly negate any exasperated request from the partner to give more of the kind of love of the partner needs.

The net result of recklessness, control, manipulation and coldness is emotional whiplash, a term I use to describe a state of confusion, anxiety, powerlessness and conformity that renders the partner in a perpetually stunned and submissive state, a constant state of recovery. The presence of memory issues that often develop from narcissistic abuse has the partner questioning what is real. Prolonged narcissistic abuse leads to a cloud of confusion that makes you question your judgment and promotes forgiveness of horrible behavior. It becomes increasingly easier for the narcissist to convince the partner of a reality that serves the narcissists’s lack of accountability. This stripping of the partner’s reality is hard to reverse without distance from the narcissist. Therapy can help to reverse this disconnection and get a victim of narcissistic abuse to plug back into their own needs and reality.

Can Respect and Love Exist Together in My Relationship with a Narcissist?

One fundamental ingredient needed for a relationship to be successful is respect. This is also essential for a healthy friendship. Long term romantic relationships require friendship as a solid foundation when something comes between the two of you. It’s the cement that keeps you connected in the in-between moments. Respect helps you to hold the other as a constant in your mind, to forgive the other and search for common ground even after a disagreement.

But what actually is respect? When we look at its parts, it becomes abundantly clear that narcissists cannot feel respect for more than brief periods of time, usually when it serves their interests in getting what they want from you (focusing on one part of you) and discarding the rest of you.

Respect is recognizing your partner’s boundaries.

Narcissists see your boundaries as optional at best. They don’t value what matters to you, especially when it conflicts with them getting what they want from you. Boundaries allow you to feel safe. Narcissists are invested in breaking down your sense of safety to control you and make you believe that you need them, even if they are abusive. For the most part, the only time you’ll a narcissist show respect for your boundaries is in the beginning of the relationship when things are still fresh and new, or when you’ve pulled away from the narcissist and they truly think you have outed them as a horrible person or are leaving them.

Respect is valuing the thoughts and feelings of your partner.

Since most narcissists have a hard time feeling empathy after the initial stages of the relationship, they cannot relate to your inner world. Your separate thoughts and feelings are irrelevant, something to be snuffed out or ignored. If you disagree with them, they can get aggressive, deny your reality and make you question yourself constantly. A common result of chronic disrespect for a partner’s ideas in a romantic relationship is pervasive self-doubt and a fog of confusion that follows the partner around. Since your feelings aren’t valid to a narcissist, you won’t feel listened to. You’ll be convinced that you have no right to feel what you feel, even when the narcissist hurts you (and even if a large part of you knows better).

Respect is healthy communication.

Narcissists fight dirty. They have to be right. They have to win. They have a heavy investment in standing on a pedestal, making you wrong and convincing you that they know better than you. Narcissists use labels to shut you down, which is a reflection of their lack curiosity for your opinion. Forget a two-way street. It’s one way and if you’re not going their way, you’ll pay.

Narcissists don’t know how to resolve a dispute in an equitable fashion. Since arguments are almost never resolved with love and respect leading the way, the partner rarely feels seen and heard. The partner always has to sacrifice. Otherwise, the punishment is unbearable. To avoid an assault from narcissist, the partner is forced to give up personal boundaries and create a persona built around keeping the peace and serving the narcissist’s needs.

Stonewalling, a common tactic of narcissists, is when one partner shuts down or avoids the other in the face of conflict, which makes the other feel unheard and takes away any chance for both partners to feel heard or for a resolution to occur after an argument. Stonewalling can manifest as ignoring/the silent treatment, walking away during an argument, declaring a conversation is over, dismissing a partner’s concerns or acting too busy to talk. A habit of stonewalling in one partner is positively correlated with divorce.

Sometimes the abused partner also takes on a pattern of stonewalling for survival, essentially avoiding the pain associated with how dirty the narcissist fights.

Respect is honesty and trustworthiness.

A narcissist’s disconnection from your needs makes it easy for them to lie and cheat. Narcissists are masters of covert operations. This is on display in the discrepancy between their public and private selves.

Rarely can they be vulnerable in public. Instead, their public persona is all about seeming perfectly put together. In private they are fragile, punishing and they create chaos with their reckless behavior toward their partner.

Narcissists can be so cut off from their partner’s well-being that they are able to inflict major harm. Many narcissists cheat on their partners. They overlap relationships and feel no remorse in doing so. When a romantic relationship with a narcissist ends, it’s quite common to learn that the narcissist has been in one or more overlapping, romantic relationships before your relationship with them ended.

They tend to be dishonest. They wear you down with manipulation, deceit and gaslighting to the point where you doubt yourself before you question them for the truth. There is no respect without honesty.

A common pattern in relationships with a narcissist is that the narcissist’s lies are eventually revealed. Some narcissists are done– checked out and ready to discard you. Other narcissists beg and beg for your forgiveness. The nature of narcissistic abuse is such that the narcissist holds so much power over the partner’s sense of reality, self-worth and personal control. This power over you is likely to compel you to believe them when they show remorse and swear to never betray you again. They say exactly what you’ve always wanted to hear, often becoming a wounded, helpless child, which tempts the compassionate and hopeful side of you to believe them and nurse them.

However, they will only betray you again. It’s only a matter of time.

Quick Summary of True Love and Narcissism

Can narcissists exhibit true love? They can simulate it…until they don’t see you as a source of supply. The beginning of a relationship with a narcissist can feel like true love. You might get the best of them as novelty and gorgeous promises fuel the romantic connection. However, with a narcissist the love never goes back to feeling the same. People chase the idealized state of the first chapter or few chapters of the relationship, but they will never get back there…only in fantasy.

Look elsewhere for true love once you are a safe distance from the narcissist.

A very important note: Arming yourself with an awareness of typical patterns of narcissists will allow you to know when you’re subjected to them. It will give you a greater sense of choice. Also, learning what matters to you, separate from what your partner tells you about yourself, will enable you to begin to move on from the effects of narcissistic abuse. Take some time to reflect on your own values–essentially, what makes life meaningful for you and what personal principles define your choices. An initiative to get to know yourself better will allow you to get in touch with what you deserve, and it will make it easier for you to recognize when someone else is manipulating your thoughts and sense of self. 

The process of recovering from narcissistic abuse necessitates that you make a distinction between what the narcissist convinced you of and what you value separate from what you’ve been told.

If you are being harmed by a partner, physically or emotionally, there are alternatives when you’re willing to reach out for help. Silence will keep you locked in the abusive patterns.

Consider starting with therapy. I help people from New Jersey and. New York to recover from narcissistic abuse. As you might be able to tell from this article, I’m passionate about my work as a psychologist in NYC an I’ve been practicing therapy for over 27 years. I wish you all the best!

National Domestic Violence Hotline: 800-799-7233 : Website