FAQ – Narcissistic Abuse Recovery and Therapy
Recovery from Narcissistic Abuse – Common Questions
Can I recover from narcissistic abuse?
Yes. It is certainly possible to recover from narcissistic abuse. However, a full recovery requires a good deal of personal discovery, as well as an essential reduction in the narcissist’s access to you. Therapy is not required to recover, but it certainly makes a huge difference to have an experienced therapist guiding you through the recovery process. There are many other factors that will impact your healing process, including any past history of abuse at the hands of a narcissist (e.g., childhood abuse, prior abusive partners), a readiness to help yourself/ the right timing, the severity of the current or recent abuse and the extent to which you can achieve physical and psychological space to heal.
I offer CBT therapy for narcissistic abuse. For 25+ years I have worked as a psychologist in NYC helping people who have been victimized by narcissists. If you’re committed to the process, real healing can occur.
How do I recover from narcissistic abuse?
The process of recovering from narcissistic abuse requires some form of personal and psychological distance from the narcissist. It doesn’t absolutely necessitate that you have zero contact with the narcissist, but a lack of contact will probably expedite your recovery. Of course, some people simply must have contact with the abuser, such as in the case of sharing children with the narcissist or remaining committed to trying to make a long-term relationship with a narcissist work.
Assuming you can first achieve some form of space to heal, you will need to deepen your understanding of the tactics the narcissist uses against you. You will also need to learn how to cut off their narcissistic supply or give it strategically by choice if you must have contact. In addition, because narcissists tend to strip people of their own separate identity, you need to discover who you are separate from the relationship, including your wants and needs, values, interests and self-worth separate from your relationship with the narcissist.
The process of healing also involves gaining a deep understanding of the narcissist’s tendency to blame you (or others) for most or all of their problems in life. The narcissist maintains the upper hand as long as you’re in a perpetual state of doubting yourself.
Can I heal from narcissistic abuse if it occurred many years ago?
Yes. Therapy for abuse that occurred in past relationships or in childhood can be effective. Quite often, the therapy aims to help you heal from past abuse while assisting you in avoiding problematic relational patterns in adulthood that you learned as a child. Sometimes the work focuses on someone who has passed away, so the remnants of the abuse interact with a grieving process.
What is the best therapy for narcissistic abuse?
There is no single therapeutic approach for healing from narcissistic abuse that would be considered “the best.” You can achieve results with a skilled therapist who understands the nuances of narcissistic abuse. Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) represents one approach to healing from trauma and abuse, but there are other wonderful methods. Somatic therapy and EMDR represent two other approaches.
I have found that my clients tend to appreciate my enhanced CBT approach to healing from narcissistic abuse, which is primarily guided by a cognitive behavioral framework, but also informed by other helpful approaches that can be catered to the client’s way of viewing life. Since each individual views themselves, their relationships and the world as a whole in different ways, a flexible therapeutic approach can be extremely beneficial to the client.
CBT allows for more of a focus on your here-and-now experience. It enable you to handle and dispute irrational and troubling beliefs, and it aims to help you feel prepared to handle future difficult emotions and moments.
I must say though that the rational side of your mind only represents a part of your thought process. Much of human thought does not involve logic and reason. This is why I incorporate other methods of therapy — to help you to understand and manage the visual side of your mind. I like to think of it as the videos you play in your mind that don’t lend themselves to logic. Healing must involve sensations in the body, your fantasies, hopes and looping images that come to mind.
How do I deal with mental abuse from a narcissist?
The first step is to gain psychological (and, in some cases, physical) protection from the abusive individual. The therapeutic work is limited in its effectiveness if you don’t give yourself the space to process and heal. If the narcissist is actively harming you, it’s important to gain safety.
Because narcissistic abuse alters your sense of personal value, what you believe you deserve, your accountability/who is to blame, guilt, shame and so much more, you need outside perspectives from trusted individuals, as well as a better sense of who you are outside of what you’ve been told by the narcissist and possibly other abusive or neglectful individuals in your past.
The worst thing y0u can do is keep the abuse to yourself and avoid seeking support from trusted friends and family. It’s nearly impossible to recover from narcissistic abuse on your own. You need people- outside perspectives, preferably from friends AND a mental health professional.
Managing mental abuse from a narcissist must also involve learning to set boundaries with this individual and others in the future.
Should I do therapy after narcissistic abuse?
Therapy with an experienced therapist is likely to expedite your recovery from narcissistic abuse.
What is brain fog in the context of narcissistic abuse?
Brain fog refers to a sense of confusion, self-doubt and disorientation that sometimes results from prolonged narcissistic abuse. Many victims of abuse report feeling like their mental sharpness has been taken away, like they can’t trust themselves. Sometimes when some distance from the narcissist is achieved, there is a sense of derealization, as though the freedom isn’t real.
What are the four D’s of narcissistic abuse?
The four D’s relate to people who are married to a narcissist. The first three D’s represent the likely behavior of the narcissist, and the last D is the expected outcome.
DENY: The narcissist tends to behave abusively and then denies that it ever happened or changes the narrative.
DISMISS:The narcissist tends to minimize any response you have that makes them accountable. They can make you doubt your own judgment, opinions and memory of events.
DEVALUE: The narcissist wins when you are doubting yourself and making you feel badly for what you’ve done. They put you down to keep control over you.
DIVORCE: It is very common for marriages to end as a result of one partner having narcissistic tendencies.
How do I support someone who has been abused by a narcissist?
The goal is to make it safe for them. Be a sounding board for them but don’t force your version of reality. It takes time to heal. People need patience and understanding from their support system. If someone is in physical danger, then immediate action is needed (National Domestic Abuse Hotline -Tel. 1-800-799-7233).
Can narcissists be helped?
While there aren’t many former narcissists, some progress can be made in therapy, even for people with narcissistic tendencies. However, the prognosis is usually not great. Ideally, the motivation for seeking help would be intrinsic. When narcissists get help based on an ultimatum, usually progress is possible but limited to the extent to which the person can take responsibility for the actions. Where I’ve seen the most success is when narcissists feel like they have something major to lose, the timing is right and there is at least a shred of an internal push to take responsibility and become a “better” person.
All the best to you on your journey,
Greg Kushnick
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How to Recover from an Abusive Relationship with a Narcissist
Once you’ve decided to distance yourself from a turbulent, long-term relationship with someone with narcissistic features, there are important things to know in your recovery process.
I will give you a few pointers to get you on the right track. In this post I am referring primarily to the consequences of narcissistic abuse. (To further your awareness of qualities of a narcissist, take a look at my article on the signs you’re in a relationship with a narcissist.)
The person from whom you’re trying to achieve distance can be a romantic partner, friend, parent, sibling, coworker or other kind of affiliation, so I’m not just referring to romantic relationships.
You’re not alone if you’ve been shaking your head, feeling incredibly self-loathing about how long it’s taken you to try to move on from this toxic relationship. It’s quite common for this to happen. Rather than judging yourself for it, try to channel this energy into understanding what you need at this point to move on. Achieving emotional (and hopefully physical) distance from the other party is the goal.
Lift the Mental Fog of Narcissistic Abuse
An often hard-to-describe experience both in and after a long-term abusive relationship is vague and deeply troubling sense of mental confusion, a cloudy headedness that can impact the recovery process. This mental fog is typically the result of prolonged exposure to abuse, especially when your sense of reality was chronically questioned and ignored, when you’ve been gaslighted and when you were made to feel shameful or wrong for the thoughts and feelings you had. A mental fog can make real life feel like it isn’t so real at all, a phenomenon akin to derealization. This can include the experience of watching your life from a distance as though you’re another person watching your life, something akin to the notion of depersonalization.
In addition, even when you’re removed from exposure to the the narcissistic abuser, it might feel like there is still a threat, or like you can’t believe the threat is no longer present or less present. You might still feel a sense of hyper-vigilance mixed with a brain fog. There could be moments where you kind of shake your head and say to yourself, “I can’t believe this person doesn’t have access to me any more.” Or when the abusive cycle becomes blatantly clear, “I can’t believe I was in that!”
Be prepared for some people in your support network to seem confused when you describe this mental fog. It’s hard for people to wrap their minds around the idea. Therapy can be incredibly helpful for clearing the fog and making greater sense of who you are outside of the abusive cycle. As a psychologist in NYC who has worked with clients in so many varying situations involving narcissistic abuse, I have notice that the mental fog and exhaustion often starts to lift when there is a combination of sense of safety, an experience of learning more about one’s own needs, values and personal goals separate from the relationship, as well as a developing narrative for the relationship that offers greater perspective and a shifting of the blame away from the self.
Conquer Self-Doubt – The Weapon of the Narcissist
You may find that you’re constantly questioning yourself in and after your relationship with a narcissist. Making simple decisions can feel confusing and draining. This is at least partially because the weapon of the narcissist is self-doubt. The narcissist “wins” when you doubt yourself. It has let them get away with behaviors that only served their interest. Narcissists feed off of you questioning your own intentions. As long as you feel like a bad, helpless or dependent person, the narcissist is free to weave his or her own narrative for the two of you and make your decisions for you.
Since self-doubt is a natural state of mind for all of us, it can be tricky to separate what is human from what is narcissistic abuse. Narcissistic abuse recovery is about learning how to control this default mode of self-doubt, most notably by separating what is the narcissists voice in you from your own. But in order to do this properly, you need to explore who you are and what matters to YOU, separate from the relationship.
Rediscover Who You Are and What Matters to You
In the first therapy session, many clients who have suffered from narcissistic abuse say, “I don’t know who I am.” Therapy for narcissistic abuse is about exploring identity questions on multiple levels. Now that you have greater safety, you’re likely to also have more mental bandwidth for reminding yourself of who you are separate from the painful relationship you’ve endured.
It is quite common for people who have been exposed to a narcissist over a long period of time to feel incredibly confused in the process of rediscovering likes and dislikes, what feels healthy and toxic, what you “deserves” in contrast with what the narcissist led you believe you deserve, your values, personal goals and much more.
Self-exploration is much safer and more interesting when you’re also curious about learning to managing the guilt, shame and fear imbued in you (and reinforced over a long period of time) by someone with narcissistic tendencies.
Clarify What You Think You Deserve
Narcissists have a very painful way of teaching people what they deserve. The narcissist’s tendency to blame others for their problems and play the victim when they are finally held accountable puts a very heavy burden on the recipient of the person who was mistreated.
Therapy can help you unburden yourself from guilt and shame, which makes the process of discovering or reconnecting with your sense of value and worth more achievable. This process will lay the foundation for understanding and setting boundaries in future relationships or with the narcissist if you still have to interact with the narcissist, such as in the case of shared custody of children.
Commit to Creating Stronger Boundaries
Personal boundaries create clarity and safety in relationships. You’re essentially communicating to people, “This is what I’m willing to do and what I’m not willing to do.” It comes from a space of valuing your self, including your mental health, time, and effort.
Relationships with people who don’t respect your boundaries deserve to be reevaluated for how much of an investment you need make in the future.
Boundaries give you mental freedom. They protect you from mistreatment. They signal to you what matters to you. They remind you of your self-worth.
I help clients to do this work and I sincerely enjoy the process. Feel free to reach out with any questions.
All the best to you!
Greg Kushnick
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