FAQ – Narcissistic Abuse Recovery and Therapy
Recovery from Narcissistic Abuse – Common Questions
Can I recover from narcissistic abuse?
Yes. It is certainly possible to recover from narcissistic abuse. However, a full recovery requires a good deal of personal discovery, as well as an essential reduction in the narcissist’s access to you. Therapy is not required to recover, but it certainly makes a huge difference to have an experienced therapist guiding you through the recovery process. There are many other factors that will impact your healing process, including any past history of abuse at the hands of a narcissist (e.g., childhood abuse, prior abusive partners), a readiness to help yourself/ the right timing, the severity of the current or recent abuse and the extent to which you can achieve physical and psychological space to heal.
I offer CBT therapy for narcissistic abuse. For 25+ years I have worked as a psychologist in NYC helping people who have been victimized by narcissists. If you’re committed to the process, real healing can occur.
How do I recover from narcissistic abuse?
The process of recovering from narcissistic abuse requires some form of personal and psychological distance from the narcissist. It doesn’t absolutely necessitate that you have zero contact with the narcissist, but a lack of contact will probably expedite your recovery. Of course, some people simply must have contact with the abuser, such as in the case of sharing children with the narcissist or remaining committed to trying to make a long-term relationship with a narcissist work.
Assuming you can first achieve some form of space to heal, you will need to deepen your understanding of the tactics the narcissist uses against you. You will also need to learn how to cut off their narcissistic supply or give it strategically by choice if you must have contact. In addition, because narcissists tend to strip people of their own separate identity, you need to discover who you are separate from the relationship, including your wants and needs, values, interests and self-worth separate from your relationship with the narcissist.
The process of healing also involves gaining a deep understanding of the narcissist’s tendency to blame you (or others) for most or all of their problems in life. The narcissist maintains the upper hand as long as you’re in a perpetual state of doubting yourself.
Can I heal from narcissistic abuse if it occurred many years ago?
Yes. Therapy for abuse that occurred in past relationships or in childhood can be effective. Quite often, the therapy aims to help you heal from past abuse while assisting you in avoiding problematic relational patterns in adulthood that you learned as a child. Sometimes the work focuses on someone who has passed away, so the remnants of the abuse interact with a grieving process.
What is the best therapy for narcissistic abuse?
There is no single therapeutic approach for healing from narcissistic abuse that would be considered “the best.” You can achieve results with a skilled therapist who understands the nuances of narcissistic abuse. Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) represents one approach to healing from trauma and abuse, but there are other wonderful methods. Somatic therapy and EMDR represent two other approaches.
I have found that my clients tend to appreciate my enhanced CBT approach to healing from narcissistic abuse, which is primarily guided by a cognitive behavioral framework, but also informed by other helpful approaches that can be catered to the client’s way of viewing life. Since each individual views themselves, their relationships and the world as a whole in different ways, a flexible therapeutic approach can be extremely beneficial to the client.
CBT allows for more of a focus on your here-and-now experience. It enable you to handle and dispute irrational and troubling beliefs, and it aims to help you feel prepared to handle future difficult emotions and moments.
I must say though that the rational side of your mind only represents a part of your thought process. Much of human thought does not involve logic and reason. This is why I incorporate other methods of therapy — to help you to understand and manage the visual side of your mind. I like to think of it as the videos you play in your mind that don’t lend themselves to logic. Healing must involve sensations in the body, your fantasies, hopes and looping images that come to mind.
How do I deal with mental abuse from a narcissist?
The first step is to gain psychological (and, in some cases, physical) protection from the abusive individual. The therapeutic work is limited in its effectiveness if you don’t give yourself the space to process and heal. If the narcissist is actively harming you, it’s important to gain safety.
Because narcissistic abuse alters your sense of personal value, what you believe you deserve, your accountability/who is to blame, guilt, shame and so much more, you need outside perspectives from trusted individuals, as well as a better sense of who you are outside of what you’ve been told by the narcissist and possibly other abusive or neglectful individuals in your past.
The worst thing y0u can do is keep the abuse to yourself and avoid seeking support from trusted friends and family. It’s nearly impossible to recover from narcissistic abuse on your own. You need people- outside perspectives, preferably from friends AND a mental health professional.
Managing mental abuse from a narcissist must also involve learning to set boundaries with this individual and others in the future.
Should I do therapy after narcissistic abuse?
Therapy with an experienced therapist is likely to expedite your recovery from narcissistic abuse.
What is brain fog in the context of narcissistic abuse?
Brain fog refers to a sense of confusion, self-doubt and disorientation that sometimes results from prolonged narcissistic abuse. Many victims of abuse report feeling like their mental sharpness has been taken away, like they can’t trust themselves. Sometimes when some distance from the narcissist is achieved, there is a sense of derealization, as though the freedom isn’t real.
What are the four D’s of narcissistic abuse?
The four D’s relate to people who are married to a narcissist. The first three D’s represent the likely behavior of the narcissist, and the last D is the expected outcome.
DENY: The narcissist tends to behave abusively and then denies that it ever happened or changes the narrative.
DISMISS:The narcissist tends to minimize any response you have that makes them accountable. They can make you doubt your own judgment, opinions and memory of events.
DEVALUE: The narcissist wins when you are doubting yourself and making you feel badly for what you’ve done. They put you down to keep control over you.
DIVORCE: It is very common for marriages to end as a result of one partner having narcissistic tendencies.
How do I support someone who has been abused by a narcissist?
The goal is to make it safe for them. Be a sounding board for them but don’t force your version of reality. It takes time to heal. People need patience and understanding from their support system. If someone is in physical danger, then immediate action is needed (National Domestic Abuse Hotline -Tel. 1-800-799-7233).
Can narcissists be helped?
While there aren’t many former narcissists, some progress can be made in therapy, even for people with narcissistic tendencies. However, the prognosis is usually not great. Ideally, the motivation for seeking help would be intrinsic. When narcissists get help based on an ultimatum, usually progress is possible but limited to the extent to which the person can take responsibility for the actions. Where I’ve seen the most success is when narcissists feel like they have something major to lose, the timing is right and there is at least a shred of an internal push to take responsibility and become a “better” person.
All the best to you on your journey,
Greg Kushnick
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Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Therapy in NYC: What to Expect
In my years of experience as a psychologist in NYC, I have come to the conclusion that the hardest part of therapy for people who have endured narcissistic abuse from a romantic partner, parent, sibling or boss, is actually starting therapy in the first place.
Everything else seems to unfold with greater ease once the process begins. It’s as though everything you’ve endured in an abusive relationship with a narcissist has created a wave of resistance, an uphill climb through self-doubt, guilt, shame and confusion that dilutes any effort to take care of your mind and body. However, once you place yourself in a safe therapeutic space for processing the abuse with an experienced psychologist, something shifts.
An amazing thing happens. You start to learn who you are separate from the abusive relationship. You see the tactics of the narcissist more clearly and you start to respond differently. You learn how to begin to set better boundaries that give you a sense of mental freedom and control. You feel like you have more of a sense of choice. Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Therapy can change your life if you let. I have seen the effects over my 20+ years as an NYC psychotherapist and it’s remarkable.
I’ll Meet You Where You’re At
I will support you at whatever stage you’re at in the relationship. Some people come to therapy needing help to leave an abusive relationship. Others have already left and are needing assistance with the fallout of the separation. And some people have decided to stay in a relationship with the narcissist because of other factors like the presence of shared children or a work situation they cannot yet end. I will meet you where you are. No judgment. Let’s help you to get a handle on the difficult aspects of exposure to narcissistic abuse.
Manage Shame and Self-Doubt
The main psychological weapon of choice for narcissistic individuals is self-doubt. As long as you are questioning yourself, foggy minded, ambivalent, confused and shameful, the narcissist has control. I help my clients come out from under this blanket of self-doubt. It’s so liberating when it happens and it’s one of the most gratifying parts of my job as a therapist who specializes in narcissistic abuse in New York.
Learn the Tactics of Narcissistic Abuse
I will make it easy for you to understand the specific tactics of the person who is manipulating and harming you. As a result, you will be more prepared with a variety of tactics for feeling more empowered to cope with actual exposure to this individual or memories of troubling interactions with this person. My methods tend to be quite effective, especially for clients who are motivated to create something better for themselves.
Discover Who You Are Separate from the Relationship- Find Yourself!
Therapy for narcissistic abuse involves trying to come to terms with the treatment you’ve endured at the hands of a narcissist, and in that process is figuring out who you are separate from the relationship. Years spent as the child of a narcissistic parent has most likely conditioned you to think about yourself, your value, your abilities in terms of how he or she wanted you to think and feel. The same goes for a spouse or shorter-term romantic partner. Therapy will help you plug in to who you are and who you want to be for yourself and the world.
I find this work incredibly fulfilling and I’d love to have the opportunity to help you.
For more information about me and my approach, please consider listening to The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast on narcissism on which I was a guest. Here is another the link to the podcast on Apple Podcasts.
If you’re not whether or not your partner is a narcissist, please take a look at my article on the signs of narcissism. As a therapist who specializes in narcissistic abuse recovery, I have seen so many different manifestations of abuse, so I am well-equipped to handle most issues related to narcissism.
Please feel free to reach out to me with any questions about getting started in therapy for narcissistic abuse in New York City. I offer in-person CBT therapy and online therapy from my Chelsea office.
All the best to you!!
Greg Kushnick
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9 Signs You’re in a Relationship with a Narcissist (as Seen on Huff Post)
I’m going to talk about the unhealthy kind of narcissism so you can get a clearer idea of what we mean by healthy narcissism.
If you suspect (or already know) that you are in a relationship with a narcissist, it’s important to work on the unhealthy ways in which his or her narcissism is manifested.
9 Signs You’re in a Relationship with a Narcissist
Here are nine signs you and your partner need to be immersed in a month-long course on healthy narcissism:
1) Your partner can’t tolerate your success.
One giveaway would be if you and your partner cannot be successful at the same time. Instead, you always find yourself in a one-up-one-down situation in which one of you can only thrive at a time.
2) You have suspicions that your partner lacks basic empathy.
How many times have you witnessed your significant other insulting other people with very little justification for his harsh words? (This can be a sign of other personality disturbances as well.)
3) Your partner has trouble supporting you emotionally during small, everyday situations that upset you, but when terrible events are happening, he or she loves the feeling of being needed and steps into the supportive role with ease.
Some narcissists require you to need them in order to ignite their powerful, caring side.
4) Your partner is extremely successful in his or her career and it seems like he or she has stepped on other people’s heads to achieve an elevated status or title.
Yes, many narcissists run the show. This is where narcissism can be a blessing as much as a curse.
5) More than a few people have described him or her as “self-referential.”
Yes, another dead giveaway is when your partner is constantly thinking or saying, “What does this say about me?”
6) A textbook sign of narcissism is that your significant other constantly needs to be admired.
Does it seem like your partner looks inward to find value or does the world need to reflect his or her greatness…all of the time?
7) It’s implied that you always have to let go of your needs and meet your partner’s expectations for how a particular situation is supposed to happen.
Do you have an equal say in what you do together? Is he or she constantly punishing you for not meeting expectations?
8) Your partner shows a huge blindspot in recognizing how his or her actions impact other people.
This is also about empathy, but I like to talk about it more in terms of someone lacking the ability to place him- or herself in your shoes and see the world from your eyes.
9) Your partner tends to speak with pathological certainty when sharing his or her own opinions.
Pathological certainty is when someone seems like they’re in the business of making other people bad or wrong. It’s as though they’ve made the choice to be right instead of happy. Many narcissists always have to be right. This is the unattractive side of narcissism.
Equally as important is figuring out if you’re, in fact, the narcissist in the relationship.
Whether it’s you or your partner who grapples with unhealthy narcissism, check out Techealthiest for more on how to transform unhealthy narcissism into something healthy.
More reading:
The official way to diagnose Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD)
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