Was the Love Ever Real? How to Recover from Narcissistic Abuse

Did my narcissistic partner ever truly love me?

This painful question comes up so often in my work with people who have suffered from narcissistic abuse in a romantic relationship. I have found  it helpful for people to start with the question: “Can narcissists feel love toward any romantic partner?”

The answer requires an understanding of some general tendencies of narcissistic people and the common trajectory of a romantic relationship when a narcissist is involved. My hope is to nudge you in the direction of arriving at your own conclusions that block the narcissist’s ability to define you, as opposed to you forming your own opinions and wrestling away some psychological control for them over your self-concept. There is peace in that. In this piece of writing, I’m going to make the assumption that you’ve been hurt by someone who may have narcissistic tendencies. (If you’re seeking guidance on whether or not a narcissist can truly change, I created a post on this topic as well.)

Below you’ll find some common questions that people who have endured narcissistic abuse often ponder as they reflect on what they’ve endured at the hands of a narcissist.

(Two disclaimers: First, please excuse my inconsistent use of pronouns. Most narcissists are male, so I often default to male pronouns. Second, narcissism as a personality trait should be viewed as existing on a continuum. Some people have narcissistic tendencies more consistently than others. Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a distinct diagnosis. I often go between labelling people as narcissists and saying that they have tendencies. In my endeavor to offer you information on true love and narcissism, I wander among varying ways to say someone has narcissism.)

What If I Question What Kind of Love I Deserve?

The question of true love is complicated by the question of whether or not you think you deserve it. If the answer is not a quick and obvious YES!!!!, then we have to pause for a second. Despite any mistreatment you received in the relationship with the narcissist or in earlier relationships, via abuse or neglect, it’s possible you’ve been convinced that you only deserve bad treatment. Narcissists gain their power by making their partners doubt themselves. Self-doubt is the main weapon of the narcissist. If they are able to put you in a perpetual state of feeling like you don’t deserve things like respect or kindness, then they can control and manipulate you at will.

I must tell you that everyone has a right to be truly loved. Many people respond to this statement by saying some version of, “I wasn’t totally innocent in the relationship.” Other people take it to a more self-loathing place, a reaction fueled by trauma, to reach the conclusion that they deserved to be treated badly. My answer to that is no one deserves to be abused in a partnership.

We have a right to love. This right cannot be taken away from us. No matter how well or badly people have treated you in the past, you have the immovable right to be with someone who loves and respects you. We will cover the notion of respect a bit later in this article.

There is one thing I want you to begin to embrace in your recovery from narcissistic abuse, regardless of how much you believe or deny that there was ever true love in the relationship:

You CAN reach a more permanent state of peace and mental wellness, usually requiring that the relationship ends and you learn to value your own love and set the appropriate boundaries by doing the mental work of processing the trauma. You can find yourself again. Your experience with a narcissist grants you invaluable wisdom that can inform future decisions in other relationships, romantic or otherwise.

How Do I Separate from the Narcissist’s Opinion of Me?

In order to heal from the negative impact of the narcissist’s recklessness, manipulation and control, you need layers of perspective. That is, the ability to separate, at least slightly, from the emotional wreckage of the relationship by looking at what you endured from a safe distance. This is often achieved through boundaries, such as minimizing or completely cutting off contact with the narcissist. In order to set solid boundaries, you need to have a general sense of your own value separate from what the abusive person has convinced you to think. If you let the narcissist’s abuse define you, which is a common consequence of prolonged narcissistic abuse, then you’re likely to take on a more self-diminishing approach to pondering the question of whether or not the narcissist truly loved you.

But if you can dare to think that the love you experienced at some point in the relationship was the most the narcissist could possibly love another within a romantic relationship, including in future relationships, then it takes a bit of the pain out of pondering this question.

In all of my work as a psychologist in NYC treating victims of narcissistic abuse, as well as the narcissists themselves, I have learned that there is a true cap on the amount that a narcissist can love another. It’s not as though they reserve another level of true love for a future relationship. They might be able to exist in a longer term relationship with someone else, but the extent that they can feel true love for another individual is hindered by psychological limitations. It is with certainty that eventually the narcissist will play out their control and manipulation with the next romantic partner.

What Limits a Narcissist’s Ability to Love?

The most crucial aspect of truly loving another individual is the ability to see yourself as a separate entity from the other individual. That is, you can consistently see the other as having needs, wants, desires and expectations that are separate from your own. These needs cannot be seen as a threat. They must be prioritized as nearly as important as your own needs, wants desires and expectations.

But seeing the other as a separate individual is not enough. In order for Person A to recognize Person B’s inner psychological world, Person A must also be able to see Person’s B’s needs, wants, desires and expectations as valid, even if they conflict with their own inner world. What makes another person’s needs valid? Empathy.

Empathy is defined as the ability to sense another person’s emotions, aka “affective empathy,” and actually mirror what someone else is feeling. Empathy is also the ability to take on another person’s perspective, aka “cognitive empathy,” which is based on an understanding of their emotions and what they are going through.

Think of the narcissist as a young child who is too frightened and self-focused to have any mental bandwidth for feeling and understanding what someone else is going through. This child acts in the service of getting his or her needs met because it feels like a matter of survival. Think of the narcissist as lacking the skill of entering another person’s mind and looking around at the world through the other person’s eyes. Some narcissists can show empathy under limited circumstances.

What are these other limited conditions? One motivating force behind a narcissist’s empathy is when the novelty in the relationship. Newness itself compels many narcissists to go to extremes. They essentially “crash into you” with their expressions of affection. Fueled by temporary infatuation and obsession, they can make you feel intoxicatingly seen and understood. Once the novelty wears off in the relationship, which could be an arbitrary decision of the narcissist that makes no sense to you, it is very hard for the narcissist to offer true empathy.

However, one situation that may elicit something like empathy, which is probably more aptly named “fake empathy,” is when the narcissist needs something from you. They view this offering as a transaction, a way to manipulate you into getting what they want. For example, the narcissist wants to look good when they meet your friends so they turn on the charm to maximum levels and make everyone feel so incredibly understood and validated. This makes them look like the ultimate partner because people are often so impressed. They have been tricked into thinking that you struck gold by finding this person.

The song and dance of the narcissist is unrivaled. They can impress even the biggest skeptics. But it’s skin deep. Under the surface is someone who needs to feed. They ski across the surface while doing impressive tricks and jumps. looking like a champion, but lacking the ability to dive deeply into your true essence. They see what they can get from you.

Your vulnerabilities are seen as a weakness to the narcissist–something they can point out to weaken you. Once you are mentally broken down over time, they need to give less and less for you to give in. You accept the minimum because the self-doubt they have instilled in you rises to the surface with very little prompting. Then they have their way with you. However, it doesn’t have to be this way. You deserve better, despite what they say, despite what the beginning of the relationship led you to believe about their potential.

Why Is the Concept of Narcissistic Supply So Important for Abuse Recovery?

Narcissists need to feed. From my days of watching the show True Blood, I often compare narcissists to vampires. It makes it easier to grasp their desperation to get validation to others. Just as the vampire needs to feed, the narcissist must find people to supply of validation and control.

A romantic partner can temporarily offer validation to the narcissist (with a very important emphasis on the word temporarily in this sentence.) Without people to feed off of, the narcissist, cannot access a sense of relevance. They use people to control their own emotions by dominating the world around them. They struggle mightily, getting desperate and punishing, if they are deprived of control and the experience of being valued.

Consider the following idea: People with narcissistic tendencies need to fill their narcissistic supply above all. This can appear to look like true love when they act sweet and caring, a brief display of intoxicating softness in their approach toward you. 

The narcissist must determine simply needs to get their needs met. This supersedes anything. There is terror in not feeling validated for the narcissist. In fact, being ignored or made to feel ordinary or irrelevant is kryptonite for the narcissist.

If their needs are in conflict with the needs of their romantic partner, the narcissist must act to eliminate the threat. Sometimes they can deliver what is asked for by the other, but it is usually temporary because it is done to get their own needs met. They aren’t really thinking about what’s good for you. It’s just a manipulation to get what they want.

Can a Narcissist Receive My Love?

Let’s turn this into the two-fold question: Can of narcissists can feel your love and give a similar form of love in the same sequence? The answer is that they can feel your love and give back something special under two conditions: First, and most important, they can momentarily feel your love when their narcissistic supply is filled. Your admiration, attention and validation can satisfy them enough to be able to feel love for you and maybe give you something in return. However, it is incredibly important to know that their receptivity is fully dependent on them gaining their narcissistic supply. So it’s essentially love with a footnote.

Second, when the relationship is new and exciting, usually ranging from days to months, the narcissist can love strongly and feel your love more fully. The initial stages of the relationship might be the most intense memories of lust, desire, caring and connection that you’ve ever felt. It may sit in your mind like a fairy tale that you feel compelled to chase. Recollections of your initial, picture-perfect love may represents what you’ve always wanted.

This can span a few days of the most intense lust and desire you’ve ever felt, a memorable summer fling, and even, in some cases, a few years of decent marriage. Once the novelty runs dry, the narcissist will look elsewhere for their supply and it has nothing to do with the quality of your love or your self-worth. It’s not about you. They need a new source of validation no matter who you are or what you’re about. They will discard you or gradually offer less and less until you have no platform to get your needs met in the relationship. Their needs will dominate and you will pay a heavy price for making your needs important.

What If My Initial Romance with the Narcissist Was Unrivaled?

So many victims of narcissistic abuse are chasing the best of times with the narcissist, as though there’s a way to get back to it. Many narcissists are charismatic, attractive, successful, bright, charming and downright irresistible. They know how to convince you to go beyond your boundaries to get what they want from you. First, it’s their song and dance that has you singing only their tune. Their promises of a perfect future together are so appealing, which is sometimes referred to as future faking. In the beginning they can serve you an emotional platter with everything you’ve always wanted….until they willfully drop the platter.

This is often why people idealize the beginning of the relationship and chase that feeling they once had when they first met the narcissist. Add the need to prove your worth to the narcissist, the unwinnable game they have brainwashed you to play. Chasing the best moments of your relationship with a narcissist PLUS needing to know that they don’t think horrible thoughts about you, needing to please them/avoid conflict is a recipe for long-term suffering, a ticket to prolonged abuse. My deep hope is that you’ve moved past any effort to bring the relationship back to its glory days, that you’re so tired of trying to prove yourself because it will never happen.

As a psychologist in New York City who works on a daily basis with victims of narcissistic abuse from a former romantic partner, I have seen clients whose worlds are turned upside down after the relationship ends. They feel incredibly lost and must go on a journey to reclaim their sense of self. Their sense of value has been gutted, and they slowly make their way through all of the lies and manipulations to reorient themselves to reality. The ability to trust again may be in question, as well as what they deserve in general. The therapeutic process assists victims of narcissistic abuse with finding their way back to level ground.

Can Narcissists Be Vulnerable?

True love requires vulnerability in the form of bearing your soul to another human being. True love is losing yourself in another and being wholeheartedly invested in that person to the extent that you would do anything to be close to them.

Many narcissists can do this in the beginning of a relationship when things are very new and exciting. They share themselves with you in a way that feels so authentic. The love bombing is convincing — you want to believe it because the marketing package they offer is otherwordly. You become proud to be with this person because they are so appealing. It’s like you merge with their greatness and the world feels perfect.

This NEVER lasts because narcissists can’t be vulnerable for more than a brief moment, unless it’s the beginning of the relationship and everything is experienced as an intense first. Sometimes narcissists reveal their true self when they have been outed and the curtain of boldness and superiority is lifted.

A common example is when the abused partner gets so frustrated with the narcissist that they threaten to leave them and call them out on the truth about them. I’ve heard so many stories of narcissists reverting to a regressed, childlike state to make the attack stop. They sometimes become self-destructive and appear so wounded that it’s nearly impossible to keep speaking the truth to them. They appeal to the compassionate, caretaking side of the abused partner, and unfortunately, this tactic often becomes highly effective in luring the more empathic partner back into the relationship.

Unfortunately, narcissists see other people as more of an extension of themselves. They see the parts of a person that can serve their needs. They will never see the totality of you. This is what limits their ability to feel empathy. If they only see what they can get from you and how you can serve their needs, then it makes sense that they can be profoundly cruel and minimize your needs.

Is Love Bombing Considered Real Love for the Narcissist?

When the romance starts, many narcissists have the uncanny ability to deliver a brand of love that surpasses people’s wildest dreams. In fact, the love can be so convincing and intoxicating that it will make the recipient feel, think and do things that put them in the vulnerable and compromised position of being locked in to the relationship despite any major warning signs. Yes, love bombing is an idealized state of being loved that has the power to convince even the most stubborn skeptic that the love is real and has the potential to be long lasting.

Love bombing, a common tactic of narcissists, involves an intense campaign of flooding the partner with all kinds of affection and grand gestures. There’s the constant communication of the narcissists feelings for their partner. There can be paragraph after paragraph of romantic texts filled with poetry, sexual fantasies, plans for a future together and every way the narcissist is inspired by the other.

Being on the receiving end of love bombing is so intense that it can convince even the most stubborn skeptic that the love is real!

Not every narcissist love bombs. Introverted narcissists may be more subdued about their expressions of love, but their behavior is impressive enough to convince their partner of the realness and potential permanence of their feelings.

Think of love bombing as the setup for mistreatment.

It might be the closest thing to love that the narcissist feels, but it’s always short lived. For many people it takes months to years to recover from the sudden, mic-dropping experience of the narcissist’s love ending. It’s like going from ecstasy into sudden darkness and gloom. Shock, disbelief, intense sadness, numbness, self-doubt and confusion are common reactions to being suddenly discarded by the narcissist when the love bombing ends.

I’ve heard stories of people in a new relationship going on the most fulfilling, love-filled vacation with no sign of doubt in the narcissist’s behavior, and when they returned, the narcissist never spoke to their partner again. Done.

Love, Recklessness and Control: Narcissistic Abuse Whiplash

The sad truth is that the narcissist’s lack of empathy and hyper-focus on getting their validation supply filled leads to careless decisions that tank your mental health…and sometimes your physical health.

Dr. Ramani Durvasula, the world’s leading expert on narcissism, has aptly described narcissists as reckless. They care very little about how their choices impact you. They manipulate and control you to serve their needs. This recklessness makes any expression of love from the narcissist fleeting. Just as you allow yourself to enjoy their love for you, the record scratches as they hurt you in an unfathomable way. Maybe they convinced you that you deserve it. Maybe you’re used to taking one for the team, but it’s not sustainable from a mental health perspective.

Relationships with narcissists can persist over time with periods of peace under one condition. That is, the narcissist trains their partner that the expression of needs will be punished, so the partner learns to ask for less and less to make the relationship work. “Balance” in the relationship means that the partner gives and the narcissist takes. Inevitably, in a long term relationship, the partner’s mental health deteriorates because of this dynamic. There is just so much someone can give when their partner acts in such a reckless and controlling manner.

Some partners of narcissists retreat into fantasy, longing for the love bombing days, clinging to the hope of a return to relationship glory with the narcissist. When the narcissist’s reckless behavior is challenged, the partner will be reminded of the (one-dimensional) important way the narcissist has been “generous,” most often regarding financial generosity. The narcissist will leverage this form of giving to coldly negate any exasperated request from the partner to give more of the kind of love of the partner needs.

The net result of recklessness, control, manipulation and coldness is emotional whiplash, a term I use to describe a state of confusion, anxiety, powerlessness and conformity that renders the partner in a perpetually stunned and submissive state, a constant state of recovery. The presence of memory issues that often develop from narcissistic abuse has the partner questioning what is real. Prolonged narcissistic abuse leads to a cloud of confusion that makes you question your judgment and promotes forgiveness of horrible behavior. It becomes increasingly easier for the narcissist to convince the partner of a reality that serves the narcissists’s lack of accountability. This stripping of the partner’s reality is hard to reverse without distance from the narcissist. Therapy can help to reverse this disconnection and get a victim of narcissistic abuse to plug back into their own needs and reality.

Can Respect and Love Exist Together in My Relationship with a Narcissist?

One fundamental ingredient needed for a relationship to be successful is respect. This is also essential for a healthy friendship. Long term romantic relationships require friendship as a solid foundation when something comes between the two of you. It’s the cement that keeps you connected in the in-between moments. Respect helps you to hold the other as a constant in your mind, to forgive the other and search for common ground even after a disagreement.

But what actually is respect? When we look at its parts, it becomes abundantly clear that narcissists cannot feel respect for more than brief periods of time, usually when it serves their interests in getting what they want from you (focusing on one part of you) and discarding the rest of you.

Respect is recognizing your partner’s boundaries.

Narcissists see your boundaries as optional at best. They don’t value what matters to you, especially when it conflicts with them getting what they want from you. Boundaries allow you to feel safe. Narcissists are invested in breaking down your sense of safety to control you and make you believe that you need them, even if they are abusive. For the most part, the only time you’ll a narcissist show respect for your boundaries is in the beginning of the relationship when things are still fresh and new, or when you’ve pulled away from the narcissist and they truly think you have outed them as a horrible person or are leaving them.

Respect is valuing the thoughts and feelings of your partner.

Since most narcissists have a hard time feeling empathy after the initial stages of the relationship, they cannot relate to your inner world. Your separate thoughts and feelings are irrelevant, something to be snuffed out or ignored. If you disagree with them, they can get aggressive, deny your reality and make you question yourself constantly. A common result of chronic disrespect for a partner’s ideas in a romantic relationship is pervasive self-doubt and a fog of confusion that follows the partner around. Since your feelings aren’t valid to a narcissist, you won’t feel listened to. You’ll be convinced that you have no right to feel what you feel, even when the narcissist hurts you (and even if a large part of you knows better).

Respect is healthy communication.

Narcissists fight dirty. They have to be right. They have to win. They have a heavy investment in standing on a pedestal, making you wrong and convincing you that they know better than you. Narcissists use labels to shut you down, which is a reflection of their lack curiosity for your opinion. Forget a two-way street. It’s one way and if you’re not going their way, you’ll pay.

Narcissists don’t know how to resolve a dispute in an equitable fashion. Since arguments are almost never resolved with love and respect leading the way, the partner rarely feels seen and heard. The partner always has to sacrifice. Otherwise, the punishment is unbearable. To avoid an assault from narcissist, the partner is forced to give up personal boundaries and create a persona built around keeping the peace and serving the narcissist’s needs.

Stonewalling, a common tactic of narcissists, is when one partner shuts down or avoids the other in the face of conflict, which makes the other feel unheard and takes away any chance for both partners to feel heard or for a resolution to occur after an argument. Stonewalling can manifest as ignoring/the silent treatment, walking away during an argument, declaring a conversation is over, dismissing a partner’s concerns or acting too busy to talk. A habit of stonewalling in one partner is positively correlated with divorce.

Sometimes the abused partner also takes on a pattern of stonewalling for survival, essentially avoiding the pain associated with how dirty the narcissist fights.

Respect is honesty and trustworthiness.

A narcissist’s disconnection from your needs makes it easy for them to lie and cheat. Narcissists are masters of covert operations. This is on display in the discrepancy between their public and private selves.

Rarely can they be vulnerable in public. Instead, their public persona is all about seeming perfectly put together. In private they are fragile, punishing and they create chaos with their reckless behavior toward their partner.

Narcissists can be so cut off from their partner’s well-being that they are able to inflict major harm. Many narcissists cheat on their partners. They overlap relationships and feel no remorse in doing so. When a romantic relationship with a narcissist ends, it’s quite common to learn that the narcissist has been in one or more overlapping, romantic relationships before your relationship with them ended.

They tend to be dishonest. They wear you down with manipulation, deceit and gaslighting to the point where you doubt yourself before you question them for the truth. There is no respect without honesty.

A common pattern in relationships with a narcissist is that the narcissist’s lies are eventually revealed. Some narcissists are done– checked out and ready to discard you. Other narcissists beg and beg for your forgiveness. The nature of narcissistic abuse is such that the narcissist holds so much power over the partner’s sense of reality, self-worth and personal control. This power over you is likely to compel you to believe them when they show remorse and swear to never betray you again. They say exactly what you’ve always wanted to hear, often becoming a wounded, helpless child, which tempts the compassionate and hopeful side of you to believe them and nurse them.

However, they will only betray you again. It’s only a matter of time.

Quick Summary of True Love and Narcissism

Can narcissists exhibit true love? They can simulate it…until they don’t see you as a source of supply. The beginning of a relationship with a narcissist can feel like true love. You might get the best of them as novelty and gorgeous promises fuel the romantic connection. However, with a narcissist the love never goes back to feeling the same. People chase the idealized state of the first chapter or few chapters of the relationship, but they will never get back there…only in fantasy.

Look elsewhere for true love once you are a safe distance from the narcissist.

A very important note: Arming yourself with an awareness of typical patterns of narcissists will allow you to know when you’re subjected to them. It will give you a greater sense of choice. Also, learning what matters to you, separate from what your partner tells you about yourself, will enable you to begin to move on from the effects of narcissistic abuse. Take some time to reflect on your own values–essentially, what makes life meaningful for you and what personal principles define your choices. An initiative to get to know yourself better will allow you to get in touch with what you deserve, and it will make it easier for you to recognize when someone else is manipulating your thoughts and sense of self. 

The process of recovering from narcissistic abuse necessitates that you make a distinction between what the narcissist convinced you of and what you value separate from what you’ve been told.

If you are being harmed by a partner, physically or emotionally, there are alternatives when you’re willing to reach out for help. Silence will keep you locked in the abusive patterns.

Consider starting with therapy. I help people from New Jersey and. New York to recover from narcissistic abuse. As you might be able to tell from this article, I’m passionate about my work as a psychologist in NYC an I’ve been practicing therapy for over 27 years. I wish you all the best!

National Domestic Violence Hotline: 800-799-7233 : Website

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Dr. Greg Kushnick is a licensed psychologist serving New York and New Jersey. His offices are located in Chelsea/Flatiron and Wall St./Financial District of New York City. Dr. Kushnick offers concrete tools and practical cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) techniques. In-person and online appointments are available during morning, afternoon and evening hours. To schedule a complimentary 15-minute phone consultation, email [email protected].

FAQ – Narcissistic Abuse Recovery and Therapy

Recovery from Narcissistic Abuse – Common Questions

Can I recover from narcissistic abuse?

Yes. It is certainly possible to recover from narcissistic abuse. However, a full recovery requires a good deal of personal discovery, as well as an essential reduction in the narcissist’s access to you. Therapy is not required to recover, but it certainly makes a huge difference to have an experienced therapist guiding you through the recovery process. There are many other factors that will impact your healing process, including any past history of abuse at the hands of a narcissist (e.g., childhood abuse, prior abusive partners), a readiness to help yourself/ the right timing, the severity of the current or recent abuse and the extent to which you can achieve physical and psychological space to heal.

I offer CBT therapy for narcissistic abuse. For 25+ years I have worked as a psychologist in NYC helping people who have been victimized by narcissists. If you’re committed to the process, real healing can occur.

How do I recover from narcissistic abuse?

The process of recovering from narcissistic abuse requires some form of personal and psychological distance from the narcissist. It doesn’t absolutely necessitate that you have zero contact with the narcissist, but a lack of contact will probably expedite your recovery. Of course, some people simply must have contact with the abuser, such as in the case of sharing children with the narcissist or remaining committed to trying to make a long-term relationship with a narcissist work.

Assuming you can first achieve some form of space to heal, you will need to deepen your understanding of the tactics the narcissist uses against you. You will also need to learn how to cut off their narcissistic supply or give it strategically by choice if you must have contact. In addition, because narcissists tend to strip people of their own separate identity, you need to discover who you are separate from the relationship, including your wants and needs, values, interests and self-worth separate from your relationship with the narcissist.

The process of healing also involves gaining a deep understanding of the narcissist’s tendency to blame you (or others) for most or all of their problems in life. The narcissist maintains the upper hand as long as you’re in a perpetual state of doubting yourself. 

Can I heal from narcissistic abuse if it occurred many years ago?

Yes. Therapy for abuse that occurred in past relationships or in childhood can be effective. Quite often, the therapy aims to help you heal from past abuse while assisting you in avoiding problematic relational patterns in adulthood that you learned as a child. Sometimes the work focuses on someone who has passed away, so the remnants of the abuse interact with a grieving process.

What is the best therapy for narcissistic abuse?

There is no single therapeutic approach for healing from narcissistic abuse that would be considered “the best.” You can achieve results with a skilled therapist who understands the nuances of narcissistic abuse. Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) represents one approach to healing from trauma and abuse, but there are other wonderful methods. Somatic therapy and EMDR represent two other approaches.

I have found that my clients tend to appreciate my enhanced CBT approach to healing from narcissistic abuse, which is primarily guided by a cognitive behavioral framework, but also informed by other helpful approaches that can be catered to the client’s way of viewing life. Since each individual views themselves, their relationships and the world as a whole in different ways, a flexible therapeutic approach can be extremely beneficial to the client.

CBT allows for more of a focus on your here-and-now experience. It enable you to handle and dispute irrational and troubling beliefs, and it aims to help you feel prepared to handle future difficult emotions and moments.

I must say though that the rational side of your mind only represents a part of your thought process. Much of human thought does not involve logic and reason. This is why I incorporate other methods of therapy — to help you to understand and manage the visual side of your mind. I like to think of it as the videos you play in your mind that don’t lend themselves to logic. Healing must involve sensations in the body, your fantasies, hopes and looping images that come to mind.

How do I deal with mental abuse from a narcissist?

The first step is to gain psychological (and, in some cases, physical) protection from the abusive individual. The therapeutic work is limited in its effectiveness if you don’t give yourself the space to process and heal. If the narcissist is actively harming you, it’s important to gain safety.

Because narcissistic abuse alters your sense of personal value, what you believe you deserve, your accountability/who is to blame, guilt, shame and so much more, you need outside perspectives from trusted individuals, as well as a better sense of who you are outside of what you’ve been told by the narcissist and possibly other abusive or neglectful individuals in your past.

The worst thing y0u can do is keep the abuse to yourself and avoid seeking support from trusted friends and family. It’s nearly impossible to recover from narcissistic abuse on your own. You need people- outside perspectives, preferably from friends AND a mental health professional.

Managing mental abuse from a narcissist must also involve learning to set boundaries with this individual and others in the future.

Should I do therapy after narcissistic abuse?

Therapy with an experienced therapist is likely to expedite your recovery from narcissistic abuse.

What is brain fog in the context of narcissistic abuse?

Brain fog refers to a sense of confusion, self-doubt and disorientation that sometimes results from prolonged narcissistic abuse. Many victims of abuse report feeling like their mental sharpness has been taken away, like they can’t trust themselves. Sometimes when some distance from the narcissist is achieved, there is a sense of derealization, as though the freedom isn’t real.

What are the four D’s of narcissistic abuse?

The four D’s relate to people who are married to a narcissist. The first three D’s represent the likely behavior of the narcissist, and the last D is the expected outcome.

DENY: The narcissist tends to behave abusively and then denies  that it ever happened or changes the narrative.

DISMISS:The narcissist tends to minimize any response you have that makes them accountable. They can make you doubt your own judgment, opinions and memory of events.

DEVALUE: The narcissist wins when you are doubting yourself and making you feel badly for what you’ve done. They put you down to keep control over you.

DIVORCE: It is very common for marriages to end as a result of one partner having narcissistic tendencies.

How do I support someone who has been abused by a narcissist?

The goal is to make it safe for them. Be a sounding board for them but don’t force your version of reality. It takes time to heal. People need patience and understanding from their support system. If someone is in physical danger, then immediate action is needed (National Domestic Abuse Hotline -Tel. 1-800-799-7233).

Can narcissists be helped?

While there aren’t many former narcissists, some progress can be made in therapy, even for people with narcissistic tendencies. However, the prognosis is usually not great. Ideally, the motivation for seeking help would be intrinsic. When narcissists get help based on an ultimatum, usually progress is possible but limited to the extent to which the person can take responsibility for the actions. Where I’ve seen the most success is when narcissists feel like they have something major to lose, the timing is right and there is at least a shred of an internal push to take responsibility and become a “better” person.

All the best to you on your journey,

Greg Kushnick

Social Anxiety Treatment in NYC: Your Questions Answered

Hi there. I’m Dr. Greg Kushnick, a psychologist in NYC who treats clients with social anxiety on a daily basis. I truly enjoy helping my clients to overcome their social struggles and I strive to offer the most effective methods for treatment of social anxiety. I hope you learn something new from the information provided below. Please don’t hesitate to contact me with any questions. All the best!

All About Social Anxiety Treatment: Questions and Answers

Do I have social anxiety?

Do you often avoid social situations? Are you mentally uncomfortable when you’re socializing, to the point where you’re preoccupied with saying the wrong thing, making a fool of yourself, being rejected or becoming revealed as a fraud? Do you often beat yourself up after socializing and find yourself ruminating about something you said that may have been interpreted the wrong way? Do you need to drink alcohol every tine you socialize? A “yes” to any of the above-mentioned questions suggests that social anxiety might be preventing you from living a more fulfilling life. Here is a short screening for social anxiety.

…But isn’t it normal to be anxious before and during social situations? 

It is certainly normal– up to a point. We all experience nervousness before and during certain social situations. It really depends on how much the anxiety leads to avoidance, rumination, self-loathing and an inability to gain a sense of connection and fulfillment from your social engagements. Everyone has a weak spot when it comes to socializing. For example, you might be comfortable in most social situations, but when it comes to connecting with your high school or college friends, you feel extreme anxiety and discomfort. Social anxiety is considered a problem if it leads to significant and chronic avoidance of social opportunities or extreme anxiety that doesn’t subside while socializing, and it gets in the way of feeling connected to people and socially fulfilled.

What is important to know about coping with social anxiety in New York City?

New York City culture celebrates social performance. That translates into pressure. Pressure to seem like you have your life figured out, pressure to succeed and keep up with your peers, pressure to make lots of money. It’s so easy to slip into the mindset that everyone else is doing better than you are. That’s a typical cognitive distortion. Relieving yourself of some amount of social pressure can help you feel less anxious.

What is the best exercise for social anxiety?

Where should I go if I have social anxiety?

How do I tell if I’m socially anxious, depressed, or both?

Well, one distinction that some people find helpful is to think of anxiety as the anticipation that a catastrophe will occur in the future, as opposed to depression, which is the sense that a catastrophe has already occurred in the past. Do you tend to worry that something bad will happen to you, or that something has been already lost? The truth is that anxiety and depression often coexist. This is because social avoidance tends to lead to rumination, which tends to include thoughts about failure, embarrassment, shame and negative self-worth.

These negative thoughts and feelings promote more avoidance. Also, people justify social avoidance by the relief they believe they will feel by steering clear of a chance to have negative beliefs verified through negative social interaction. No one wants proof of their darkest thoughts about themselves, so avoidance serves a powerful short-term purpose. Long term, however, depression can set in if social engagements are chronically avoided, as a sense of helplessness and negative self-worth can take over if there isn’t positive social feedback or appropriate outlets to gain a healthy perspective about how social anxiety makes you think, feel and act.

Many people are just anxious or just depressed. Some people give themselves enough social wins and opportunities for connectedness to avoid getting depressed, despite their intense social discomfort. If you have low self-worth and you frequently interpret social interactions in the service of verifying your negative beliefs, then chances are you will develop depressive tendencies over time. If you frequently leave social situations feeling like a failure, embarrassed or shamed, the tendency to avoid will promote depression, and the tendency to push forward and keep striving for better experiences will be a buffer against depression.

Perfectionistic tendencies can also play a role in social anxiety and depression. (See below.)

The Starting Point for Managing Anxiety

As a psychologist in New York City who has conducted thousands of sessions helping clients manage their anxiety, I have come to understand that there is one key to managing your worries. This key unlocks your ability to gain a sense of control over anxious moods and thought patterns. What I’m proposing also helps with an intense fear of something specific, such as a work presentation, medical test results or childbirth.

Just to clarify, when I use the term “anxiety,” I am referring to persistent worry and severe concern in response to an event that may or may not happen, the very uncomfortable anticipation of negative things to come. Anxiety involves a response to something in the future that is less likely to happen. Sometimes we feel anxious without any conscious awareness of what we’re anxious about.

We can all relate to the looping repeat of uncomfortable thoughts that accompany anxiety. Anxious moods steal our ability to focus on work, relax, bond with loved ones and get sound sleep.

My success with helping clients who are grappling with anxiety has depended on establishing the proper starting point for gaining a sense of mental control. In essence, the stage must be set before the band can start playing a relaxing tune.

Managing Anxiety Starts Here

The key to managing anxiety is gaining a sense of hardiness, or faith in your ability to cope with the unknown. Having this faith allows you to know that you’ll be ok no matter what happens. Hardiness is not easy to achieve, but the presence of just a drop of faith goes a long way.

How do you build up your hardiness? It starts with telling yourself 50 times a day, “No matter what happens, I will be ok.” If fear of a specific event is overwhelming you, try gently picturing yourself in the feared scenario and then tell yourself this message 50 times as you look around experience the sights and sounds of this event.

See yourself as making it through the event if you can picture what you fear. Say to yourself, “I made it.”

If this kind of imaginary exposure feels like it’s too much for you, that’s ok! Just feed yourself the reassuring message without imagery.

Faith in your ability to cope can come from a variety of sources. There’s faith in your mind, which refers to a sense of being able to control your thoughts and a sense that you’ll be ok if you lose control of your mind. The chaos doesn’t last. It’s time limited.

You actually do have at least partial control over some things that make you anxious. For example, if you’re getting a procedure done in the hospital, can you decide which doctor will perform the procedure, or the music you listen to, or who will be with you when you’re recovering? Focus on the choices you actually CAN make. The ability to choose some of the minutia of the feared scenario really helps.

The other side of building hardiness is to accept that there are some things you can’t control, which necessitates even a mild commitment to letting go and trusting in yourself, even if you know you will suffer for a period of time. This is where faith comes in. Faith in doctors, faith in God, faith in your efforts to take care of yourself, faith in people to make good decisions and do what’s best for you.

Building Faith in Your Mind

Your ability to control stress and anxiety ultimately depends on how much you believe your mental health can absorb a difficult event.

Sometimes faith in your ability to cope has to do with recognizing what your body can do for you without conscious effort. You were built to cope and return to a comfortable baseline of body functioning. Your body always resets to achieve as close to a sense of balance and equilibrium as possible. For example, if your heart rate soars in anticipation of a catastrophe, you need to remind yourself of your body’s ability to return to a comfortable state. Mental suffering generally comes in waves or cycles, as opposed to a permanent, unrelenting negative experience.

A sense of hardiness is also connected to your immune system. If you tell yourself that you can handle something, your body can have a stronger immune response. Of course, this is not true in ALL scenarios, but feeling hardy certainly gives you a physical boost of strength. Feeling like you can’t handle something is likely to elevate your cortisol levels, which weakens your body’s healing response.

Tips for Managing Anxiety and Building Hardiness

Below are a few hardy suggestions for learning to manage your anxiety.

1. Start by sharing your experience of anxiety more authentically with a trusted person in your life. Remind yourself that you have this person to lean on if needed.
2. Make sure you go at least one step outside of your comfort zone. It’s ok to be a bit uncomfortable if your behavior is in the spirit of striving toward something.
3. Spend time identifying what’s important to you. What are the values you live by? What kind of person are you striving to be for the world? Judge your behavior based on these commitments. Knowing your values and who you are striving to be serve as a guide for difficult choices and personal boundaries.
4. Take time to evaluate your personal boundaries with others. Who makes you do things you don’t want to do? Who makes you feel badly about yourself? Consider reading the book Set Boundaries, Find Peace to get a wonderful introduction to setting healthier boundaries.
5. Evaluate your expectations for how an anxiety-inducing situation is supposed to go. Do you need to spend time learning to be less perfectionistic? Do you expect too much of yourself or other people? Setting reasonable expectations promotes feeling less shocked by negative outcomes.
6. Pay attention to how you use your phone to self soothe. Are you over-reliant on your phone or should you commit to bringing uncomfortable thoughts under control without a screen?

Please feel free to reach out and ask a question or if any of this information feels like something you want to work on in therapy.

Good luck to you and your hardiness!

-Dr. Kushnick

How to Find the Best Psychologist in NYC for Your Mental Health Needs

Dr. Gregory Kushnick, Licensed NYC Psychologist

Tel. 917-566-7312

[email protected]

138 West 25th St., Suite 802-B4, New York, NY 10001

Finding the best NYC psychologist for your needs can feel like an impossible task. I’ve put together a list of some great strategies for finding a therapist. So many current and prospective patients have shared with me how daunting it feels to find a psychotherapist in New York area. I hope this guide will make your search easier.

Tips for Your NYC Clinical Psychologist Search

1. Cross reference your findings from therapist listings with Google searches.

Don’t stop at the information offered on New York therapist listing sites such a Psychology Today. Find a therapist by going a step further to learn what potential mental health clinicians are really about. Has the psychologist written anything of interest or reported on the latest research? Do they seem modern, worldly and knowledgeable based on their online presence? Do they have impressive reviews on Google? What about their website? Do they talk in a relatable way or do they sound cliche?

2. Pay attention to your first reaction to the picture of the therapist’s face.

There’s so much valuable information in your gut reaction to how he or she looks. Does his or her face make you feel at ease or stressed out. Is it a face you can trust?

3. Ask your friends if they had a psychologist they enjoyed working with.

A referral from a trusted friend is gold. Don’t be afraid to share your need for mental health therapy. Getting the help you need is a sign of strength. Friends who will judge you for needing therapy may not have your best interests at heart and are probably not very evolved.

4. Interview 2–3 prospective clinical psychologists unless you’ve found your match with the first one.

Don’t hesitate to ask questions about what matters to you. Call or email the therapist and ask away. If they don’t make time to answer your questions, then stay away.

5. Seek to understand the psychotherapist’s theoretical orientation/ their approach to therapy to see if it matches the style of therapy you’re looking for.

This one also requires a call or email. Ask them to explain how they conduct therapy and what guides their approach. If they can’t answer clearly, don’t choose them. Do you want a more collaborative CBT experience? Structured? Traditional/psychoanalytic? Existential? Don’t be afraid to ask.

6. Speaking of the phone call, see how you reach to the therapist’s voice.

Does his or her voice soothe you? Is it harsh? That voice has to calm you, but also potentially motivate you.

7. Do some research on the different types of mental health clinicians in New York City.

Are you looking for a psychologist (who is likely to have more formal schooling/training on diagnosis and treatment), a clinical social worker (who could potentially have even more extended training than a psycologist, but you have to ask or google), a marriage and family therapist (who specializes in couples therapy but can still be an amazing individual therapist), a mental health counselor, etc?

8. Many New York City psychotherapists specialize in something or have developed a special skill based on the types of clients they attract.

Most NYC therapists list anxiety, depression and relationships as their specialty. That doesn’t tell you much. Ask your prospective New York psychologist with whom do they work best work? Patients with anxiety? Addiction? For example, I don’t have a specialty per se, but my practice has attracted clients grappling with certain problems, such as panic attacks, social anxiety and work stress, which has prompted me to develop my skills further to give them a great healing experience.

Feel free to contact me if you have any questions about this article or if something is unclear. I love what I do and I want you to find the help you need.

I have created other articles on the topic of finding a NYC psychologist if you want to read more. Please take a look at some of my other psychology articles on HuffPost to learn more about my philosophy.

On Anger, Depression and the Need to Be Right

How Much Do You Need to Be Right or Point Out Other People’s Faults?

Why do we invest so much time and effort watering the roots of the relationships that make us happy, yet when we’re grappling with a sour mood, our ability to see the world from someone else’s eyes feels impossible? Does this ever happen to you?

The man or woman you love so much is sitting right in front of you, but all you can think about is how you won’t give in until they not only acknowledge how you feel, but tell you that you’re also RIGHT!. You’re even willing to ruin a date night, sabotage an opportunity for intimacy, or avoid talking to them for days until they submit. You’re furious and you can’t step out of it.

We’ve all been there. We usually reserve this type of behavior for the ones we love the most or have known the longest. If we are feeling unheard or misunderstood, we may forget to listen. If we feel accused of wrongdoing, we may dodge responsibility at all cost and focus on convincing the accuser that they’re wrong.

If a deep-seated insecurity fuels the need to be right, then the fight to prove rightness can potentially go on for days, weeks, months, and even years. The need to be right and the tendency to make others wrong tends to promote long-term resentment and animosity in relationships. This state of mind may suppress the immune system and invite illness into the body, and it is likely to limit our repertoire of problem-solving behaviors.

I find that an overinvestment in being right tends to promote more frequent states of dissatisfaction in relationships and with life in general. Depression may promote the need to be right (and vice versa). When we feel low, the act of making other people wrong can give a temporary lift to our sense of self-importance. The problem with this kind of lift is that it only lasts for a brief moment, and as soon as the high of asserting our rightness passes, we either sink back into a depressed state, or we feel even lower than we did before we made a heavy investment in making someone wrong. In more intense states of depression, we often lack motivation to perform the activities that we usually enjoy. Our energy is devoted to completing the most basic of tasks, as we do our best just to get through the day. In this state of decreased motivation, the mental energy available for entertaining the perspective of others is often quite limited.

The truth is that we are all forced to endure depression at some point, although its severity, duration and impact on our functioning varies from person to person. Depression typically involves periods of sad mood, decreased motivation, and a heightened tendency to avoid feelings and situations that normally brings us a sense of connection, purpose, and fulfillment.

When we are feeling significantly depressed, we may experience anger that is directed inward toward the self, or outward toward other people or the world as a whole. These angry feelings may take the form of an “addiction” to making other people wrong. In such a state of mind, our world becomes very small. We see with blinders on. There is only one way and it is our way. Hence, when anger takes over, our ability to see things from someone else’s point of view can become severely compromised, especially if our tendency is to cope with our anger by punishing others (and giving ourselves the illusion of ridding ourselves of negative feelings) by making them feel as we feel. An openness to entertaining multiple perspectives may also be limited if we typically handle our anger by withdrawing and avoiding conflict, which tends to minimize opportunities for rectifying disagreements.

Anxiety is similar to anger in its influence on perspective-taking abilities, as it can promote a narrowing the lense of our perspective at the expense of appreciating alternative vantage points. When we are anxious, our mental resources are channeled toward coping with the belief that we must prepare for a feared event. This preparation creates a self-preserving state of mind that narrows our perspective to a limited number of possible outcomes. We repeat to ourselves in one form or another the idea that “I will not be OK if this event happens.” When we are gripped by high anxiety, predicting a catastrophe requires a huge amount of mental energy, which deprives us of the energy required to appreciate someone else’s perspective.

Would you like to achieve lasting states of positive emotion? Would you like to feel more strongly connected to your loved ones, and to your world in general? If so, cultivate your ability to see someone else’s perspective, and recognize the impact that your words and actions have on the ones you love; this will tame your innate human need to be right. Your willingness to acknowledge the perspective of others, even if you disagree with their stance, is one of the most important mental muscles to build.

How to Build Empathy and Improve Perspective-Taking Skills

Here are a few brief suggestions for assessing and improving your ability to appreciate the perspective of others.

1) Conduct an honest assessment of how invested you are in making people wrong, especially the people closest to you. Ask a trusted friend or family member to give their opinion on this. Try to be open to their feedback, especially if you are both emotionally invested in the relationship. When it comes to how often we feel the need to be right, we are usually poor self-evaluators.

2) Practice the art of listening without interrupting. Avoid telling others how they should feel. Try to listen well enough to be able to convey to the speaker what you just heard them say, and then share what you learned from them.

3) Try to embrace the idea that there are “two rights” in every disagreement between two people.

4) Seek professional help if you determine that your need to make others wrong significantly interferes with your relationships, or if you can see that depression, anger, or anxiety present obstacles to appreciating others’ perspectives.

5) Practice doing gratitude exercises. This is one of the most powerful ways to cultivate the ability to appreciate others’ opinions and struggles. There are many self-help books available to assist you with this.

6) When you are sitting in a restaurant or coffee shop, or another setting conducive to “people-watching,” imagine what life might look like from the eyes of someone you are observing. Try to get in touch with what this person might be feeling, even if you are guessing . Do this exercise at least once a week.

7) If you recognize that you are particularly depressed or angry on a given day, take a pause in each interaction with the people you love and acknowledge to yourself (or to them) how your negative mood may be making you more argumentative or less understanding. Sometimes our loved ones deserve this “heads up.”

Thank you for taking the time to read this post. If you commit to improving your ability to adopt another person’s perspective and avoid the habit of making other people wrong, I am confident that you will like the way that it makes you feel. It might even bring you closer to the people you love.

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