The Coping Styles Behind Social Anxiety in New York City
In New York City, social anxiety remains hidden behind behaviors that serve to prevent mental discomfort. The self consciousness that accompanies social anxiety can make you feel like you’re on stage. However, the way people cope doesn’t always manifest as shyness or avoidance. Often, social discomfort hides behind hyper-competence, busyness, humor, ambition, profound attention to detail, dismissiveness or emotional distance. The city seems to reward people who can perform, adapt and keep it moving, but the truth is that social success is not as common people think.
In a place where you’re constantly surrounded by people yet rarely known by them, social interactions can feel unusually intense. Whether or not you’re grappling with social anxiety, comparison feels like it’s everywhere. It shows up on subway platforms, at dinner parties, on LinkedIn, on dating apps and even while waiting for coffee. There is constant pressure to appear interesting, confident and successful without trying too hard. For someone with social anxiety, this constant sense of evaluation can feel incredibly exhausting, as though everything you do is being judged by the harshest of critics.
To survive in this environment, people adapt by developing strategies that reduce mental discomfort, protect against rejection or preserve a sense of control. These strategies often work, at least in the beginning. Your style of social adaptation comes in handy. You build your career, maintain important and superficial relationships while trying to exude social ease. Over time, however, the same strategies can become rigid, draining and isolating.
Rather than viewing social anxiety as one single experience, it can be more helpful to think in terms of coping styles. Each style represents a different way of managing pressure, fear, shame or self consciousness in social situations. None of these styles are signs of weakness or failure. They are intelligent responses to a socially demanding city. The challenge is that what once kept someone safe can quietly begin to limit their sense of protection, connection, and belonging.
Please note that most people rely on a combination coping styles to manage their social anxiety. I am distinguishing the characteristics of each style to help you better understand your social tendencies and the way anxiety compels you to react. We can also call these avoidance strategies, given that people who grapple with significant social nervousness tend to hide parts of themselves from others and develop predictable patters to elude what they perceive as social risk.
Styles of Social Anxiety Management
I’m going to share with you four styles of coping with social anxiety, as well as a bit about what needs to be included in therapy for successful treatment of each social style.
1. The Avoidant Style
When you tend to stay away from social settings to avoid real or imagined judgment from others, this is the classic avoidant style that people often think of when they imagine someone with social anxiety. (Please note that I’m not referring to an avoidant attachment style, which is a different concept.)
The logic is that if you just stay away, you won’t be anxious. You just make yourself disappear and no one gets hurt. This can also apply to the person who stays to the side of the room in a social gathering and observes from a distance. However, this approach just reinforces fear and leads to the unfortunate missing of opportunities to build confidence and tolerance. The avoidant style is the least engaged of all styles and it may be correlated with depression, panic attacks, agoraphobia and other challenging mental health issues because people with this inclination are denied the opportunity to disprove a global and fixed set of negative beliefs through positive or even neutral social interaction. The comfort zone is kept narrow and there’s little to no mental health boost associated with feeling connected, wanted and belonging to people.
People who avoid most social opportunities may be more likely to rely on AI chatbots to gain the illusion of connection, safety and approval. The rapid development of AI will certainly bring new challenges in terms of powerful addiction to pseudo-socialization and the fake experience of being an a romantic relationship.
Therapy for Socially Avoidant New Yorkers
Success with CBT therapy for this avoidant style involves stepwise exposure therapy that allows you to gradually test reality. In other words, you learn to first engage in mild social situations that let you test your negative theories about yourself or other people. CBT psychotherapy for people who avoid incorporates a component of disputing irrational beliefs, identifying core beliefs about oneself that serve to maintain social avoidance, and the tracking of episodes of anxiety to better understand triggers. Panic Disorder is an extremely distressing phenomenon that requires special attention in therapy to reduce the frequency of panic attacks and minimize avoidance of certain settings that have become associated with a panic attack. Panic attacks can be especially hard to manage in New York City because personal space is limited, people gather in large, potentially overwhelming venues and the pressure to appear socially successful is omnipresent. In more severe cases, panic attacks also lead to agoraphobia, or the avoidance of places that might lead to panic and a sense of being trapped, helpless or embarrassed. Please know that there is help for this. Therapy can bring welcomed relief to these symptoms.
2. The Appeaser / People Pleaser Style
The appeaser is the people pleaser who gives up their opinions, preferences and sense of self-expression to accommodate others and avoid social risk. Guided by a strong fear of judgment but compelled to be socially connected through sacrifice, appeasers develop the ability to mold themselves to fit a social situation. Social appeasers operate under the basic assumption: “If I’m liked, I won’t be judged or rejected.” This accommodating style often involves a lot of letting other people talk, but it can be a struggle to fully concentrate on conversations and feel socially comfortable because of the fear of not knowing what to say, of being judged for saying the wrong thing or for looking anxious given how quiet the appeaser can appear relative to the speaker.
This can be a very adaptive style of social engagement. If done properly, you can make other people feel seen and heard through your active listening. Conversations can become an echo chamber of other people’s ideas, making them feel felt and more justified in their convictions based on your agreement. Some people have achieved success with this way of managing social anxiety, especially when it feels like the only other alternative is to be completely socially avoidant.
Over time, however, this style of pleasing people comes with serious risks to one’s mental health. Over-appeasing others can lead to long-lasting feelings of resentment and bitterness. If it feels like you have to cancel yourself around others, especially when you disagree with people’s ideas or they act in a disrespectful or dismissive way, there’s a good chance that anger will build. You might eat the anger and stay silent when in the social moment, but in your post-mortem assessment of your social performance, you’re likely to feel foolish and taken advantage of. In a painstaking evaluation of one’s social performance, an appeaser might toil over such questions as “Why didn’t I say something when the other person insulted me (or my partner, behavior, family, interests, occupation, beliefs, ethnic background, etc.)?” People pleasers might rely on passive aggressive tactics to handle their self-loathing, anger and resentment. That could show up in their texting behavior because they don’t have to be as socially accountable and vulnerable while messaging on their phone.
Therapy for Socially Appeasing New Yorkers
My clients with social appeasement tendencies often have a strong fear of being seen as awkward, unintelligent or anxious. In therapy appeasers report pondering troubling questions in social settings such as, “What if they notice how anxious I am?” or “What if I say the wrong thing?” Successful therapy of a tendency to socially over-please involves examining resistance to establishing personal boundaries, both internal and external, identifying and manifesting personal values as a roadmap for committing to choices, opinions and behaviors, building the muscle of self-acceptance and compassion to combat shame and overly punitive self-judgment, as well as altering distorted beliefs related to perfectionism, performance and family experiences of having to give up something major to accommodate other people’s mental health issues. Therapy must address any past trauma that locked in this coping style at an early age as a way to deal with a complicated attachment to a caregiver, such as an overly punitive or neglectful parent.
3. The Dismissive Style
Dismissers find reasons why social connection is unimportant and a waste of time. They develop over time a bitter and detached stance toward others. They may appear aloof, sarcastic ironic, hyper-independent or emotionally cool. Underneath, however, distance protects them from exposure, rejection or shame. Dismissers operate under the basic assumption: “If I don’t need you, then you can’t hurt me.”
Dismissers over-index on judgment and keep relationships superficial in order to find social comfort or justify being alone. Their strong social armor of judgment and minimization keeps them protected, but they lose the true benefit of feeling deeply seen, felt, heard and understood. They skim the surface when it comes to topics that make them feel vulnerable, but they will dive in deep and share rather harsh opinions if the conversation leads to an opportunity. Similar to the performing type, some people with this style of managing the fear of judgment and rejection have lots of friends, but few friends who know them very well.
They might avoid people who see through their armor and make them feel vulnerable because there is too high a risk of being judged or rejected. Dismissers essentially do the rejecting before anyone else can do it to them. They have an investment in conveying to others that they don’t need them.
Interestingly, I’ve noticed that many New Yorkers will employ dismissive logic to justify working remotely. They suppress their need to connect with others in order to make remote work seem like the best option, given all of its other convenient benefits. They ignore their social deprivation until it catches up to them. Please note that I’m not referring to everyone who works remotely.
Therapy for Socially Dismissive New Yorkers
Therapy with Dismissers involves a deep examination of their resistance to vulnerability and the perceived risks of letting go of control. A restructuring of belief systems related to rejection and needing people, as well as tuning in to other people’s needs is necessary for becoming less dismissive. I help clients slowly shed the protective layers to detachment and judgment to connect with others on a deeper and more fulfilling level. Any past pain or trauma is addressed to free the client from a fixed stance of self-protection.
4. The Performer / Over-Prepared Style
Another way to cope with social anxiety is to take on the role of the performer in the group. The Performer garners attention by remaining at the center of the conversation. Some performers are prepared and highly polished, while others who have achieved more mental freedom in groups are improvisational yet charismatic and entertaining. In its extreme form, the performative social style involves a strong effort to remain at the center of the group dynamic, while controlling the tone and content of conversations.
Some Performers over-prepare and practice to feel more in control and reduce the risk of people seeing the mental discomfort, self-doubt and fear of judgment beneath outward appearances. They memorize jokes and reference culturally relevant events in a unique way that brings admiration. They make sure they sound smart by recycling lines in new conversations that make people laugh or marvel.
They wait patiently for their turn and only speak when they feel certain that it’s safe to deliver their curated response. Similar to the Dismissive style, Performers avoid feeling vulnerable or they can share personal information because they know exactly what they’re going to say.
Some Over-preparers will only share with the group when the conversation is steered in a safe direction that relates to a passion, hobby, career social or political issue that is well within their area of expertise and comfort zone. In an effort to control their social anxiety, some Preparers have dedicated themselves to becoming a subject expert, which allows for social ease in a limited but potentially satisfying manner. Social adaptation and fulfillment for the Preparer depends on the extent to which they are sharing a genuine side of their personality AND feel some level of vulnerability. If they only share what is totally comfortable and it has a superficial, performative quality, then social interactions will be less fulfilling.
Therapy for Over-Performing / Over-Preparing New Yorkers
It’s certainly rewarding to get a reaction from the crowd, but how much is the performer really letting people in? Therapy aims to help clients audition various social approaches to find one that incorporates more vulnerability and authenticity. Any underlying pain or trauma is addressed to soften the perceived risks involved in socializing. We engage in cognitive restructuring so that beliefs about showing imperfections doesn’t obstruct social sharing and showing up for others.
Working in Therapy to Alter Your Social Coping Style
You must know that there is help for social anxiety. Some people will avoid therapy as an extension of avoiding other social engagements. After all, sharing one on one with a therapist can be initially intimidating. I strive to offer New Yorkers a safe and comfortable space to work on their social anxiety, even if it brings up tons of shame, regret, embarrassment and anxiety. We work together to develop social flexibility, even incorporating part of the above-mentioned styles to manage social engagement.
I find this type of work with my clients to be highly rewarding because I get to witness the gradual gaining of confidence that comes with achieving new levels of social success over the course of therapy. As my clients learn new tools for of social anxiety management and for preventing and coping with panic, there is an amazing sense of relief that sets in, as well as a new appreciation for how good social connection and belonging feels.
Please feel free to reach out with any questions or to schedule an initial consulation for help with social anxiety.
Sincerely,
Gregory Kushnick, Psy.D.
Licensed Psychologist in New York City
Tel. 917-566-7312
Chelsea/Flatiron Office
138 West 25th St.
Suite 802-B4
New York, NY 10001
FiDi/Wall St. Office
30 Broad St.
Suite 1433
New York, NY 10004
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The Key to Effective Social Anxiety Therapy for New Yorkers
Social confidence can be hard to achieve in New York City. In fact, it’s quite common for New Yorkers to grapple with periods of overwhelming social anxiety and stress in anticipation of relating to other people.
As a psychologist in private practice in NYC, I have come to understand what makes therapy for social anxiety effective. I’m going to share with you what I believe needs to be part of your therapy process in order to maximize your efforts to gain social confidence and reduce anxiety. That is, to feel highly prepared to manage the challenges that arise in social settings and in the time leading up to social events.
When we talk about social anxiety, a.k.a. ‘social phobia’, we’re referring to persistent fear of and intense worry about being judged and/or observed by others in social settings. This fear promotes avoidance behaviors and can be associated with depression, as isolation from the need to avoid promotes a lot of negativity directed toward the self, sometimes including a deep regret for failed or missed opportunities.
I’m going to talk about getting started in the process of improving your social anxiety, but most importantly, I’m going to discuss what actually makes therapy for social anxiety effective for New Yorkers. I’ve been doing this work for a long time as a psychologist, and I believe many people don’t realize what is needed to feel more socially prepared and adept.
Sometimes our social anxiety fears do come true. The very outcome we ruminated about can happen. CBT therapy prepares you for this situation.
CBT for social anxiety can help you identify hot thoughts that keep the vicious cycle of self-judgment and avoidance in motion. By learning to gain control of painful mental images, negative self-judgment and personal rules, you can work on creating small victories in social settings.
But there’s more to that’s required for social anxiety therapy to be effective.
Therapy Key #1: Managing Social Expectations
The very first step toward improving social anxiety is about managing your expectations. (In truth, it’s also about acknowledging that you’re going to need to go outside of your comfort zone to make any appreciable change, which includes a willingness to sit in the discomfort that comes up when facing the embarrassment, shame and self-defeating thoughts and behaviors associated with social anxiety, but more on this in a bit.)
Your expectations determine whether or not you feel pleased or dissatisfied with reality. They can promote avoidance behaviors or push you to try hard things. Expectations of social success in New York can be tainted by all of the influences that NYC throws at you.
For New Yorkers who are sensitive to social failure, models of social success may feel like they are everywhere they go. New York City, particularly Manhattan, bombards its inhabitants with massive exposure to material wealth goes hand in hand with feelings of intimidation, the need to “catch up.” This all starts with what you expect to happen when you aim to grow your professional network, make new friends, find love in the big city or all of the above.
Of course, it’s beautiful to aim for the stars and hope for an amazing social outcome. However, a having healthy social expectations involves being realistic about the time it takes to establish connections in the city and a deep understanding of the impact of who you choose for social comparison on how you view yourself and your chances.
When there is a constant discrepancy between social expectations and your social reality, it can create periods of social avoidance and despair. On the flip side, if you just assume that you’re going to fail and you use evidence of past failures to project into the future, your expectations are also messing with your chances of improving your social anxiety.
So the first step is all about expectations. Try to be open to the idea that what you define as social success might need to be adjusted. The illusion of massive social success is all around us. Social media makes this worse.
Then there are the select few who have amazing social success, but I promise you that you don’t know the whole story.
Ask Yourself These Questions About Your Expectations of Social Success
- Where does my benchmark for social success come from? Is this a realistic goal? Am I willing to look deeper into my standards in an effort to improve my social confidence?
- Does my model of social success match my personality style? (i.e., Extroversion/Introversion)
- Are there teenage experiences of social success or failure that I’m trying to repeat or correct for?
- Am I aware of the extent to which social media plays a role in feeling like a social failure? Which social media accounts make me feel the best/worst?
- Are my expectations for how I feel and act in social situations rarely being matched by reality?
- Are my expectations of social failure too high? Do I recognize the small social wins?
- Do I stay away from taking social chances because I assume I’ll fail?
These questions represent a small sample of what to start thinking about in any initiative to improve your social anxiety. Going into therapy with a keen eye on your expectations is a good first step, but real, appreciable change in therapy for social anxiety requires an understanding that your anxiety is not all that needs to be targeted in therapy. It will certainly be the primary focus, but to do social anxiety therapy the right way, you need to target “second level” emotions as well.
Therapy Key #2: Embracing Second Level Emotions
Effective therapy for social anxiety will help you feel less in your own head when you’re socializing, networking or around strangers. You will be more in the moment and less preoccupied with how you think you’re being perceived. You’ll be more likely to feel self-expressed and vulnerable. In order to achieve these gains, you not only need to focus on anxiety reduction, but also on how you feel about your struggle with anxiety. I’m essentially referring to how you feel about how you feel.
Anxiety is considered a primary emotion. So is anger, disgust, surprise, happiness and sadness. Primary emotions are more brief and instinctive. Once they sweep in, they start to effect your thought process, which opens the door for secondary or “second level” emotions.
Second level emotions last longer. (I like the term “second level” as a metaphor because it makes me think of a cover or a ceiling that locks in the problem.) These emotions tend to have increasing influence over time and even may be operating out of awareness. While primary emotions are more universal, secondary emotions are specific to the individual. Examples of second level emotions are shame, guilt, embarrassment, frustration, withdrawal, regret and jealousy.
For people with moderate to severe social anxiety, I have found that second level emotions function as the mental glue that keeps social anxiety in place.
In my experience as a clinical psychologist in private practice in NYC, I have come to understand that effective therapy for social anxiety must include an examination of second level emotion. That is, you need to cultivate an awareness of how you feel about how feel.
Second level emotions make the experience of social avoidance much worse. If you decide to stay home and avoid a social situation, you might feel an initial sense of relief as you sit in the safety of your home because you avoided a potentially mentally dangerous situation. You succeeding in avoiding the potentially negative social experience, but this avoidance, if repeated, begets more avoidance. Before you know it, you’re making excuses on a consistent basis to avoid all kinds of social events.
It’s quite common for people to feel a painful sense of shame about their perceived social failures and avoidance. Some people judge themselves intensely for feeling socially anxious, even panicky, being too quiet or having nothing interesting to say.
For example, let’s say you attended a social event and felt so nervous that you could barely speak. You also questioned what you had to offer in various conversations. Maybe with one person you know well you felt fine, but you judge yourself for how you performed in other conversations. Maybe you felt hyperaware of having no hobbies or exciting topics to discuss. Following the event, you felt such negative self-loathing that any positive aspects of the event were canceled by your extremely negative evaluation of your social performance.
The shame you feel might compel you to mentally beat yourself up, question your character and your future. Depression might kick in because you’re grieving what you think you’ll never be able to accomplish.
This shame kind of seals the deal for your social anxiety to maintain control over your choices and self-evaluation. It is the mental glue that keeps your suffering in place because it contributes to a vicious cycle of negative self-evaluation and avoidance. The more you judge yourself about your social anxiety, the more you’re likely to avoid. The more you avoid social situations, the more likely you are to judge yourself negatively. This pattern limits your chances for social success, even little wins that could give you a sense of hope.
When shame and low self-worth are too easily accessible or too dominant relative to other emotions, your social anxiety cannot be fixed with exposure therapy alone.
Effective social anxiety therapy requires a focus on what is triggered in you as you judge yourself for having the anxiety.
Of course, social anxiety therapy does require some form of exposure, as well as the acquisition of new skills so you can feel prepared to handle social challenges. That sense of social readiness is crucial to the success of your social anxiety therapy.
Feel free to reach out with any questions you have about CBT therapy for anxiety. And please click on the link for FAQ about social anxiety therapy.
I wish you all the best!
Greg Kushnick
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Dr. Greg Kushnick is a licensed psychologist serving New York and New Jersey. His offices are located in Chelsea/Flatiron and Wall St./Financial District of New York City. Dr. Kushnick offers concrete tools and practical cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) techniques. In-person and online appointments are available during morning, afternoon and evening hours. To schedule a complimentary 15-minute phone consultation, email [email protected].
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