10 Important Benefits of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy for New Yorkers

Living in New York City can be a challenging experience if you’re not invested in your mental health needs. Depending on how you’re faring here in the big city, cognitive behavioral therapy represents a wonderful option for helping you to get you through life in NYC. When you feel prepared to handle the emotional challenges that NYC presents, the city can be one of the most exciting and rewarding places to live.

Cognitive behavioral therapy’s focus on the here-and-now, as opposed to the emphasis on early childhood experiences in psychoanalysis, allows New Yorkers to experience a more solution-oriented therapeutic experience.

Here are seven reasons why CBT therapy is a wonderful choice for helping you make it in the Big Apple.

1. New York City is the loneliest city in the world.

You may think that it’s easy to connect with lots of people in NYC, but it’s usually quite the opposite. For most New Yorkers, building a community is extremely hard. It is also assumed that it’s so easy to date because of all of the options. In reality, it can be a frustrating process involving painful trial and error and vulnerability. NYC’s culture does not lend itself to building a community that helps you feel valued and supported. Many of us have to do it from scratch. It takes a lot of mental resources to avoid feeling lonely, sometimes even in relationships.

CBT helps New Yorkers acquire tools to better manage social and dating disappointments. We look at troublesome belief systems, including core beliefs and rigid, conditional self-statements that promote social anxiety and a sense of fragility in response to perceived failure. CBT therapy also looks at problematic behaviors that exacerbate and reinforce negative cycles of thinking, such as social avoidance and addictive tendencies.

2. NYC can be unforgiving to people with social anxiety.

The pressure to be socially successful is one of the trademarks of New York City life. This is a terrible burden for many of its inhabitants. For those of us who grapple with social anxiety, NYC presents a constant flow of opportunities for brutally self-devaluing, social comparison. The shame that comes from perceived failure and judgment after a difficult social moment promotes social avoidance, panic and depression. Given how hard it is to socialize without the presence of alcohol (#5 on this list), many people with social anxiety also develop an unhealthy relationship with alcohol.

CBT therapy can work wonders for social anxiety. I’ve been doing this work for over 27 years and I’ve learned a thing or two about how to cater cognitive therapeutic techniques to alter a client’s self-concept and behavior patterns. CBT targets the vicious cycle built into social avoidance. It promotes an ability to cope with symptoms of Social Anxiety Disorder. It aims to achieve small wins with social success, self-acceptance and healthier thought and behavior patterns. 

3. Too many options offered in NYC can affect your mental health.

The overwhelming number of possibilities baked into NYC life can effect your sense of what is “good enough,” it can alter your relationship with money, power, success and validation. Many of us are already over-scheduled and psychologically overtaxed. If you’re not careful, the NYC lifestyle will pressure you to overdo it with scheduling activities, which limits your ability to recharge or gain enough psychological distance from your troubles in order to reach a healthy perspective in your downtime.

My CBT approach aids in examining limiting beliefs and behaviors that get in the way of your commitment to important decisions. I help my clients to set goals and stick to commitments that align with personal values. My focus on values also offers a roadmap for navigating difficult choices and staying on course toward manifesting what you consider to be a life well lived.

4. NYC work culture views burnout as a badge of honor.

High-achieving people, especially those with perfectionistic tendencies will find many reasons to push themselves to their breaking point, recover and break again. New Yorkers who come from families that don’t value mental health as a safe topic of discussion often have to reach an extreme state of mental anguish in order to finally take care of their mental health. Many New Yorkers take on jobs with brutally long work hours. Many work cultures, especially in finance and law, promote sacrificing your mental health to reach your numbers and doing anything to avoid reprimand from your narcissistically-inclined boss. Most people are not built to sustain such pressure. Work burnout promotes depression, anxiety and addiction. It changes your priorities, which leads to relationship issues and neglect of one’s physical, mental and spiritual health.

CBT can help you cope with work burnout. The examination of belief systems that promote hopelessness, self-loathing, unrealistic standards and self-defeating behaviors can truly make a difference if you’re under a ton of consistent pressure at work. CBT can be highly effective for combating social withdrawal and motivational outages associated with depression. It also helps with the avoidance behaviors that go with anxiety and panic attacks.

5. Alcohol plays a role in so many social activities in NYC.

In NYC it can be a challenge to socialize with friends without the presence of alcohol. This becomes particularly problematic if you’re trying to limit your alcohol intake and you want to bond with friends. It often takes smart planning and well-developed habits to avoid social situations that center around drinking. What’s more–some jobs in finance promote an unhealthy relationship with alcohol when there’s an obligation to wine and dine clients at night. In addition, long term relationships/marriages (as well as your health) can suffer terribly when one partner doesn’t manage their drinking habits.

I help clients to navigate the social scene in NYC, while keeping track of which social habits create mental suffering and relationship issues. My CBT methods promote calming your mind and establishing your priorities, which can empower you to find alternative ways besides alcohol to quiet your mind and socialize effectively. I am highly passionate about my CBT work with clients who are grappling with social anxiety.

6. The exposure to extreme wealth in NYC can promote an unhealthy relationship with money and success.

For the ambitious New Yorker, no matter what you have —  the money you’ve earned or the job title you’ve achieved — the influence of other’s people’s money and achievements can make you feel not good enough. So many New Yorkers sacrifice their mental health to chase a dream, but the dream may not be grounded in the awareness of the price paid for striving to achieve a goal. In NYC, if you’re not careful, the goal hijacks the mind and the journey, which makes up the bulk of your time, is minimized. Many New Yorkers live in a state of self-imposed deprivation. “If I make Vice President, life will be good.” “When I can afford to buy this material good, people will notice me and see me as successful.”

I help clients to establish a healthier perspective with regard to their definition of “success.” People rarely stop to consider their “money wounds,” which promotes suffering and replicating unhealthy aspects of your relationship with money. Cognitive behavioral therapy can assist you in altering unhealthy patterns of behavior associated with irrational beliefs around money and success. Of course, you should chase your dreams, but you also need strong mental hygiene to enjoy the fruits of your labor. 

7. NYC attracts people with narcissistic tendencies.

The reality that makes many people uncomfortable to talk about is that many highly successful people have narcissistic tendencies. NYC attracts ambitious people who have “made it” in their respective field. Chances are that at some point in your time working in NYC, you will have a narcissistic boss or romantic partner. One relationship with a narcissist has the power to gut your mental health.

I employ CBT to help my clients recover from narcissistic abuse. I am an expert in narcissism and narcissistic abuse. If you’ve been mistreated by a narcissist before, then you have some idea of the awful effects of their manipulation and controlling behaviors. Your sense of reality becomes altered, your sense of trust is shattered, your access to own personal value is reduced to nothingness. Cognitive behavioral strategies can be effective in helping you distance yourself from thought patterns that narcissistic abuse has instilled or exacerbated in you.

8. NYC can be a mental minefield for people grappling with panic attacks.

People who score high on measures of both achievement and control are more likely to suffer from panic attacks. NYC attracts this type of personality profile. The city is also full of common triggers for panic, such as theaters, crowded trains, and tight social spaces. Ambitious New Yorkers with Panic Disorder are likely to find themselves having anxiety and shame about the panic attacks they’ve endured in business or school presentations.

Since the presence of panic attacks usually includes the avoidance of settings that trigger panic, CBT with an exposure component to the treatment of panic attacks can be effective. As a Manhattan psychologist I do this work often. CBT targets the underlying issues promoting anxiety and shame about panicking. It helps people to feel more prepared in the face of panic.

9. Many New Yorkers are chronically overwhelmed and long term relationships suffer as a result.

Ambitious New Yorkers are chronically overwhelmed as a result of being constantly “on” at work or school with little time for relaxation. When there’s time to unwind, it’s often done by retreating into a their phones, which is ironically a very poor way to recharge. Because New Yorkers frequently find themselves in “survival mode,” it’s natural to choose disengagement and disconnection over engagement and connection with a partner.

My approach to CBT with an emphasis on values promote the establishment of healthy routines and communication patterns in long term relationships. CBT focuses on underlying issues that get in the way of healthy communication patterns. I also help clients to overcome resentment, judgment and pathological certainty to feel more connected in their relationships. 

10. An unpleasant commute to and through New York increases stress levels.

Your patience may be tested if you have to deal with public transportation, which may add stress to your day. Finding peace of mind can be challenging. For people with less-developed anger management skills, NYC is a potential landmine of triggers that cause anger outbursts.

CBT can help you with stress and anger management so you can feel more prepared to cope with challenging moments in traffic, with strangers and other random, inevitable incidents. One key for sound mental health in NYC is to learn to stay connected to people, develop your empathy muscle and avoid stereotyping and snap judgments.

I offer CBT therapy as a clinical psychologist in New York City. I work with clients on a variety of personal, professional and family issues. Please feel free to reach out to me with any questions.

All the best!

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Dr. Greg Kushnick is a licensed psychologist serving New York and New Jersey. His offices are located in Chelsea/Flatiron and Wall St./Financial District of New York City. Dr. Kushnick offers concrete tools and practical cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) techniques. In-person and online appointments are available during morning, afternoon and evening hours. To schedule a complimentary 15-minute phone consultation, email [email protected].

Was the Love Ever Real? How to Recover from Narcissistic Abuse

Did my narcissistic partner ever truly love me?

This painful question comes up so often in my work with people who have suffered from narcissistic abuse in a romantic relationship. I have found  it helpful for people to start with the question: “Can narcissists feel love toward any romantic partner?”

The answer requires an understanding of some general tendencies of narcissistic people and the common trajectory of a romantic relationship when a narcissist is involved. My hope is to nudge you in the direction of arriving at your own conclusions that block the narcissist’s ability to define you, as opposed to you forming your own opinions and wrestling away some psychological control for them over your self-concept. There is peace in that. In this piece of writing, I’m going to make the assumption that you’ve been hurt by someone who may have narcissistic tendencies.

Below you’ll find some common questions that people who have endured narcissistic abuse often ponder as they reflect on what they’ve endured at the hands of a narcissist.

(Two disclaimers: First, please excuse my inconsistent use of pronouns. Most narcissists are male, so I often default to male pronouns. Second, narcissism as a personality trait should be viewed as existing on a continuum. Some people have narcissistic tendencies more consistently than others. Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a distinct diagnosis. I often go between labelling people as narcissists and saying that they have tendencies. In my endeavor to offer you information on true love and narcissism, I wander among varying ways to say someone has narcissism.)

What If I Question What Kind of Love I Deserve?

The question of true love is complicated by the question of whether or not you think you deserve it. If the answer is not a quick and obvious YES!!!!, then we have to pause for a second. Despite any mistreatment you received in the relationship with the narcissist or in earlier relationships, via abuse or neglect, it’s possible you’ve been convinced that you only deserve bad treatment. Narcissists gain their power by making their partners doubt themselves. Self-doubt is the main weapon of the narcissist. If they are able to put you in a perpetual state of feeling like you don’t deserve things like respect or kindness, then they can control and manipulate you at will.

I must tell you that everyone has a right to be truly loved. Many people respond to this statement by saying some version of, “I wasn’t totally innocent in the relationship.” Other people take it to a more self-loathing place, a reaction fueled by trauma, to reach the conclusion that they deserved to be treated badly. My answer to that is no one deserves to be abused in a partnership.

We have a right to love. This right cannot be taken away from us. No matter how well or badly people have treated you in the past, you have the immovable right to be with someone who loves and respects you. We will cover the notion of respect a bit later in this article.

There is one thing I want you to begin to embrace in your recovery from narcissistic abuse, regardless of how much you believe or deny that there was ever true love in the relationship:

You CAN reach a more permanent state of peace and mental wellness, usually requiring that the relationship ends and you learn to value your own love and set the appropriate boundaries by doing the mental work of processing the trauma. You can find yourself again. Your experience with a narcissist grants you invaluable wisdom that can inform future decisions in other relationships, romantic or otherwise.

How Do I Separate from the Narcissist’s Opinion of Me?

In order to heal from the negative impact of the narcissist’s recklessness, manipulation and control, you need layers of perspective. That is, the ability to separate, at least slightly, from the emotional wreckage of the relationship by looking at what you endured from a safe distance. This is often achieved through boundaries, such as minimizing or completely cutting off contact with the narcissist. In order to set solid boundaries, you need to have a general sense of your own value separate from what the abusive person has convinced you to think. If you let the narcissist’s abuse define you, which is a common consequence of prolonged narcissistic abuse, then you’re likely to take on a more self-diminishing approach to pondering the question of whether or not the narcissist truly loved you.

But if you can dare to think that the love you experienced at some point in the relationship was the most the narcissist could possibly love another within a romantic relationship, including in future relationships, then it takes a bit of the pain out of pondering this question.

In all of my work as a psychologist in NYC treating victims of narcissistic abuse, as well as the narcissists themselves, I have learned that there is a true cap on the amount that a narcissist can love another. It’s not as though they reserve another level of true love for a future relationship. They might be able to exist in a longer term relationship with someone else, but the extent that they can feel true love for another individual is hindered by psychological limitations. It is with certainty that eventually the narcissist will play out their control and manipulation with the next romantic partner.

What Limits a Narcissist’s Ability to Love?

The most crucial aspect of truly loving another individual is the ability to see yourself as a separate entity from the other individual. That is, you can consistently see the other as having needs, wants, desires and expectations that are separate from your own. These needs cannot be seen as a threat. They must be prioritized as nearly as important as your own needs, wants desires and expectations.

But seeing the other as a separate individual is not enough. In order for Person A to recognize Person B’s inner psychological world, Person A must also be able to see Person’s B’s needs, wants, desires and expectations as valid, even if they conflict with their own inner world. What makes another person’s needs valid? Empathy.

Empathy is defined as the ability to sense another person’s emotions, aka “affective empathy,” and actually mirror what someone else is feeling. Empathy is also the ability to take on another person’s perspective, aka “cognitive empathy,” which is based on an understanding of their emotions and what they are going through.

Think of the narcissist as a young child who is too frightened and self-focused to have any mental bandwidth for feeling and understanding what someone else is going through. This child acts in the service of getting his or her needs met because it feels like a matter of survival. Think of the narcissist as lacking the skill of entering another person’s mind and looking around at the world through the other person’s eyes. Some narcissists can show empathy under limited circumstances.

What are these other limited conditions? One motivating force behind a narcissist’s empathy is when the novelty in the relationship. Newness itself compels many narcissists to go to extremes. They essentially “crash into you” with their expressions of affection. Fueled by temporary infatuation and obsession, they can make you feel intoxicatingly seen and understood. Once the novelty wears off in the relationship, which could be an arbitrary decision of the narcissist that makes no sense to you, it is very hard for the narcissist to offer true empathy.

However, one situation that may elicit something like empathy, which is probably more aptly named “fake empathy,” is when the narcissist needs something from you. They view this offering as a transaction, a way to manipulate you into getting what they want. For example, the narcissist wants to look good when they meet your friends so they turn on the charm to maximum levels and make everyone feel so incredibly understood and validated. This makes them look like the ultimate partner because people are often so impressed. They have been tricked into thinking that you struck gold by finding this person.

The song and dance of the narcissist is unrivaled. They can impress even the biggest skeptics. But it’s skin deep. Under the surface is someone who needs to feed. They ski across the surface while doing impressive tricks and jumps. looking like a champion, but lacking the ability to dive deeply into your true essence. They see what they can get from you.

Your vulnerabilities are seen as a weakness to the narcissist–something they can point out to weaken you. Once you are mentally broken down over time, they need to give less and less for you to give in. You accept the minimum because the self-doubt they have instilled in you rises to the surface with very little prompting. Then they have their way with you. However, it doesn’t have to be this way. You deserve better, despite what they say, despite what the beginning of the relationship led you to believe about their potential.

Why Is the Concept of Narcissistic Supply So Important for Abuse Recovery?

Narcissists need to feed. From my days of watching the show True Blood, I often compare narcissists to vampires. It makes it easier to grasp their desperation to get validation to others. Just as the vampire needs to feed, the narcissist must find people to supply of validation and control.

A romantic partner can temporarily offer validation to the narcissist (with a very important emphasis on the word temporarily in this sentence.) Without people to feed off of, the narcissist, cannot access a sense of relevance. They use people to control their own emotions by dominating the world around them. They struggle mightily, getting desperate and punishing, if they are deprived of control and the experience of being valued.

Consider the following idea: People with narcissistic tendencies need to fill their narcissistic supply above all. This can appear to look like true love when they act sweet and caring, a brief display of intoxicating softness in their approach toward you. 

The narcissist must determine simply needs to get their needs met. This supersedes anything. There is terror in not feeling validated for the narcissist. In fact, being ignored or made to feel ordinary or irrelevant is kryptonite for the narcissist.

If their needs are in conflict with the needs of their romantic partner, the narcissist must act to eliminate the threat. Sometimes they can deliver what is asked for by the other, but it is usually temporary because it is done to get their own needs met. They aren’t really thinking about what’s good for you. It’s just a manipulation to get what they want.

Can a Narcissist Receive My Love?

Let’s turn this into the two-fold question: Can of narcissists can feel your love and give a similar form of love in the same sequence? The answer is that they can feel your love and give back something special under two conditions: First, and most important, they can momentarily feel your love when their narcissistic supply is filled. Your admiration, attention and validation can satisfy them enough to be able to feel love for you and maybe give you something in return. However, it is incredibly important to know that their receptivity is fully dependent on them gaining their narcissistic supply. So it’s essentially love with a footnote.

Second, when the relationship is new and exciting, usually ranging from days to months, the narcissist can love strongly and feel your love more fully. The initial stages of the relationship might be the most intense memories of lust, desire, caring and connection that you’ve ever felt. It may sit in your mind like a fairy tale that you feel compelled to chase. Recollections of your initial, picture-perfect love may represents what you’ve always wanted.

This can span a few days of the most intense lust and desire you’ve ever felt, a memorable summer fling, and even, in some cases, a few years of decent marriage. Once the novelty runs dry, the narcissist will look elsewhere for their supply and it has nothing to do with the quality of your love or your self-worth. It’s not about you. They need a new source of validation no matter who you are or what you’re about. They will discard you or gradually offer less and less until you have no platform to get your needs met in the relationship. Their needs will dominate and you will pay a heavy price for making your needs important.

What If My Initial Romance with the Narcissist Was Unrivaled?

So many victims of narcissistic abuse are chasing the best of times with the narcissist, as though there’s a way to get back to it. Many narcissists are charismatic, attractive, successful, bright, charming and downright irresistible. They know how to convince you to go beyond your boundaries to get what they want from you. First, it’s their song and dance that has you singing only their tune. Their promises of a perfect future together are so appealing, which is sometimes referred to as future faking. In the beginning they can serve you an emotional platter with everything you’ve always wanted….until they willfully drop the platter.

This is often why people idealize the beginning of the relationship and chase that feeling they once had when they first met the narcissist. Add the need to prove your worth to the narcissist, the unwinnable game they have brainwashed you to play. Chasing the best moments of your relationship with a narcissist PLUS needing to know that they don’t think horrible thoughts about you, needing to please them/avoid conflict is a recipe for long-term suffering, a ticket to prolonged abuse. My deep hope is that you’ve moved past any effort to bring the relationship back to its glory days, that you’re so tired of trying to prove yourself because it will never happen.

As a psychologist in New York City who works on a daily basis with victims of narcissistic abuse from a former romantic partner, I have seen clients whose worlds are turned upside down after the relationship ends. They feel incredibly lost and must go on a journey to reclaim their sense of self. Their sense of value has been gutted, and they slowly make their way through all of the lies and manipulations to reorient themselves to reality. The ability to trust again may be in question, as well as what they deserve in general. The therapeutic process assists victims of narcissistic abuse with finding their way back to level ground.

Can Narcissists Be Vulnerable?

True love requires vulnerability in the form of bearing your soul to another human being. True love is losing yourself in another and being wholeheartedly invested in that person to the extent that you would do anything to be close to them.

Many narcissists can do this in the beginning of a relationship when things are very new and exciting. They share themselves with you in a way that feels so authentic. The love bombing is convincing — you want to believe it because the marketing package they offer is otherwordly. You become proud to be with this person because they are so appealing. It’s like you merge with their greatness and the world feels perfect.

This NEVER lasts because narcissists can’t be vulnerable for more than a brief moment, unless it’s the beginning of the relationship and everything is experienced as an intense first. Sometimes narcissists reveal their true self when they have been outed and the curtain of boldness and superiority is lifted.

A common example is when the abused partner gets so frustrated with the narcissist that they threaten to leave them and call them out on the truth about them. I’ve heard so many stories of narcissists reverting to a regressed, childlike state to make the attack stop. They sometimes become self-destructive and appear so wounded that it’s nearly impossible to keep speaking the truth to them. They appeal to the compassionate, caretaking side of the abused partner, and unfortunately, this tactic often becomes highly effective in luring the more empathic partner back into the relationship.

Unfortunately, narcissists see other people as more of an extension of themselves. They see the parts of a person that can serve their needs. They will never see the totality of you. This is what limits their ability to feel empathy. If they only see what they can get from you and how you can serve their needs, then it makes sense that they can be profoundly cruel and minimize your needs.

Is Love Bombing Considered Real Love for the Narcissist?

When the romance starts, many narcissists have the uncanny ability to deliver a brand of love that surpasses people’s wildest dreams. In fact, the love can be so convincing and intoxicating that it will make the recipient feel, think and do things that put them in the vulnerable and compromised position of being locked in to the relationship despite any major warning signs. Yes, love bombing is an idealized state of being loved that has the power to convince even the most stubborn skeptic that the love is real and has the potential to be long lasting.

Love bombing, a common tactic of narcissists, involves an intense campaign of flooding the partner with all kinds of affection and grand gestures. There’s the constant communication of the narcissists feelings for their partner. There can be paragraph after paragraph of romantic texts filled with poetry, sexual fantasies, plans for a future together and every way the narcissist is inspired by the other.

Being on the receiving end of love bombing is so intense that it can convince even the most stubborn skeptic that the love is real!

Not every narcissist love bombs. Introverted narcissists may be more subdued about their expressions of love, but their behavior is impressive enough to convince their partner of the realness and potential permanence of their feelings.

Think of love bombing as the setup for mistreatment.

It might be the closest thing to love that the narcissist feels, but it’s always short lived. For many people it takes months to years to recover from the sudden, mic-dropping experience of the narcissist’s love ending. It’s like going from ecstasy into sudden darkness and gloom. Shock, disbelief, intense sadness, numbness, self-doubt and confusion are common reactions to being suddenly discarded by the narcissist when the love bombing ends.

I’ve heard stories of people in a new relationship going on the most fulfilling, love-filled vacation with no sign of doubt in the narcissist’s behavior, and when they returned, the narcissist never spoke to their partner again. Done.

Love, Recklessness and Control: Narcissistic Abuse Whiplash

The sad truth is that the narcissist’s lack of empathy and hyper-focus on getting their validation supply filled leads to careless decisions that tank your mental health…and sometimes your physical health.

Dr. Ramani Durvasula, the world’s leading expert on narcissism, has aptly described narcissists as reckless. They care very little about how their choices impact you. They manipulate and control you to serve their needs. This recklessness makes any expression of love from the narcissist fleeting. Just as you allow yourself to enjoy their love for you, the record scratches as they hurt you in an unfathomable way. Maybe they convinced you that you deserve it. Maybe you’re used to taking one for the team, but it’s not sustainable from a mental health perspective.

Relationships with narcissists can persist over time with periods of peace under one condition. That is, the narcissist trains their partner that the expression of needs will be punished, so the partner learns to ask for less and less to make the relationship work. “Balance” in the relationship means that the partner gives and the narcissist takes. Inevitably, in a long term relationship, the partner’s mental health deteriorates because of this dynamic. There is just so much someone can give when their partner acts in such a reckless and controlling manner.

Some partners of narcissists retreat into fantasy, longing for the love bombing days, clinging to the hope of a return to relationship glory with the narcissist. When the narcissist’s reckless behavior is challenged, the partner will be reminded of the (one-dimensional) important way the narcissist has been “generous,” most often regarding financial generosity. The narcissist will leverage this form of giving to coldly negate any exasperated request from the partner to give more of the kind of love of the partner needs.

The net result of recklessness, control, manipulation and coldness is emotional whiplash, a term I use to describe a state of confusion, anxiety, powerlessness and conformity that renders the partner in a perpetually stunned and submissive state, a constant state of recovery. The presence of memory issues that often develop from narcissistic abuse has the partner questioning what is real. Prolonged narcissistic abuse leads to a cloud of confusion that makes you question your judgment and promotes forgiveness of horrible behavior. It becomes increasingly easier for the narcissist to convince the partner of a reality that serves the narcissists’s lack of accountability. This stripping of the partner’s reality is hard to reverse without distance from the narcissist. Therapy can help to reverse this disconnection and get a victim of narcissistic abuse to plug back into their own needs and reality.

Can Respect and Love Exist Together in My Relationship with a Narcissist?

One fundamental ingredient needed for a relationship to be successful is respect. This is also essential for a healthy friendship. Long term romantic relationships require friendship as a solid foundation when something comes between the two of you. It’s the cement that keeps you connected in the in-between moments. Respect helps you to hold the other as a constant in your mind, to forgive the other and search for common ground even after a disagreement.

But what actually is respect? When we look at its parts, it becomes abundantly clear that narcissists cannot feel respect for more than brief periods of time, usually when it serves their interests in getting what they want from you (focusing on one part of you) and discarding the rest of you.

Respect is recognizing your partner’s boundaries.

Narcissists see your boundaries as optional at best. They don’t value what matters to you, especially when it conflicts with them getting what they want from you. Boundaries allow you to feel safe. Narcissists are invested in breaking down your sense of safety to control you and make you believe that you need them, even if they are abusive. For the most part, the only time you’ll a narcissist show respect for your boundaries is in the beginning of the relationship when things are still fresh and new, or when you’ve pulled away from the narcissist and they truly think you have outed them as a horrible person or are leaving them.

Respect is valuing the thoughts and feelings of your partner.

Since most narcissists have a hard time feeling empathy after the initial stages of the relationship, they cannot relate to your inner world. Your separate thoughts and feelings are irrelevant, something to be snuffed out or ignored. If you disagree with them, they can get aggressive, deny your reality and make you question yourself constantly. A common result of chronic disrespect for a partner’s ideas in a romantic relationship is pervasive self-doubt and a fog of confusion that follows the partner around. Since your feelings aren’t valid to a narcissist, you won’t feel listened to. You’ll be convinced that you have no right to feel what you feel, even when the narcissist hurts you (and even if a large part of you knows better).

Respect is healthy communication.

Narcissists fight dirty. They have to be right. They have to win. They have a heavy investment in standing on a pedestal, making you wrong and convincing you that they know better than you. Narcissists use labels to shut you down, which is a reflection of their lack curiosity for your opinion. Forget a two-way street. It’s one way and if you’re not going their way, you’ll pay.

Narcissists don’t know how to resolve a dispute in an equitable fashion. Since arguments are almost never resolved with love and respect leading the way, the partner rarely feels seen and heard. The partner always has to sacrifice. Otherwise, the punishment is unbearable. To avoid an assault from narcissist, the partner is forced to give up personal boundaries and create a persona built around keeping the peace and serving the narcissist’s needs.

Stonewalling, a common tactic of narcissists, is when one partner shuts down or avoids the other in the face of conflict, which makes the other feel unheard and takes away any chance for both partners to feel heard or for a resolution to occur after an argument. Stonewalling can manifest as ignoring/the silent treatment, walking away during an argument, declaring a conversation is over, dismissing a partner’s concerns or acting too busy to talk. A habit of stonewalling in one partner is positively correlated with divorce.

Sometimes the abused partner also takes on a pattern of stonewalling for survival, essentially avoiding the pain associated with how dirty the narcissist fights.

Respect is honesty and trustworthiness.

A narcissist’s disconnection from your needs makes it easy for them to lie and cheat. Narcissists are masters of covert operations. This is on display in the discrepancy between their public and private selves.

Rarely can they be vulnerable in public. Instead, their public persona is all about seeming perfectly put together. In private they are fragile, punishing and they create chaos with their reckless behavior toward their partner.

Narcissists can be so cut off from their partner’s well-being that they are able to inflict major harm. Many narcissists cheat on their partners. They overlap relationships and feel no remorse in doing so. When a romantic relationship with a narcissist ends, it’s quite common to learn that the narcissist has been in one or more overlapping, romantic relationships before your relationship with them ended.

They tend to be dishonest. They wear you down with manipulation, deceit and gaslighting to the point where you doubt yourself before you question them for the truth. There is no respect without honesty.

A common pattern in relationships with a narcissist is that the narcissist’s lies are eventually revealed. Some narcissists are done– checked out and ready to discard you. Other narcissists beg and beg for your forgiveness. The nature of narcissistic abuse is such that the narcissist holds so much power over the partner’s sense of reality, self-worth and personal control. This power over you is likely to compel you to believe them when they show remorse and swear to never betray you again. They say exactly what you’ve always wanted to hear, often becoming a wounded, helpless child, which tempts the compassionate and hopeful side of you to believe them and nurse them.

However, they will only betray you again. It’s only a matter of time.

Quick Summary of True Love and Narcissism

Can narcissists exhibit true love? They can simulate it…until they don’t see you as a source of supply. The beginning of a relationship with a narcissist can feel like true love. You might get the best of them as novelty and gorgeous promises fuel the romantic connection. However, with a narcissist the love never goes back to feeling the same. People chase the idealized state of the first chapter or few chapters of the relationship, but they will never get back there…only in fantasy.

Look elsewhere for true love once you are a safe distance from the narcissist.

A very important note: Arming yourself with an awareness of typical patterns of narcissists will allow you to know when you’re subjected to them. It will give you a greater sense of choice. Also, learning what matters to you, separate from what your partner tells you about yourself, will enable you to begin to move on from the effects of narcissistic abuse. Take some time to reflect on your own values–essentially, what makes life meaningful for you and what personal principles define your choices. An initiative to get to know yourself better will allow you to get in touch with what you deserve, and it will make it easier for you to recognize when someone else is manipulating your thoughts and sense of self. 

The process of recovering from narcissistic abuse necessitates that you make a distinction between what the narcissist convinced you of and what you value separate from what you’ve been told.

If you are being harmed by a partner, physically or emotionally, there are alternatives when you’re willing to reach out for help. Silence will keep you locked in the abusive patterns.

Consider starting with therapy. I help people from New Jersey and. New York to recover from narcissistic abuse. As you might be able to tell from this article, I’m passionate about my work as a psychologist in NYC an I’ve been practicing therapy for over 27 years. I wish you all the best!

National Domestic Violence Hotline: 800-799-7233 : Website

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Dr. Greg Kushnick is a licensed psychologist serving New York and New Jersey. His offices are located in Chelsea/Flatiron and Wall St./Financial District of New York City. Dr. Kushnick offers concrete tools and practical cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) techniques. In-person and online appointments are available during morning, afternoon and evening hours. To schedule a complimentary 15-minute phone consultation, email [email protected].

FAQ – Narcissistic Abuse Recovery and Therapy

Recovery from Narcissistic Abuse – Common Questions

Can I recover from narcissistic abuse?

Yes. It is certainly possible to recover from narcissistic abuse. However, a full recovery requires a good deal of personal discovery, as well as an essential reduction in the narcissist’s access to you. Therapy is not required to recover, but it certainly makes a huge difference to have an experienced therapist guiding you through the recovery process. There are many other factors that will impact your healing process, including any past history of abuse at the hands of a narcissist (e.g., childhood abuse, prior abusive partners), a readiness to help yourself/ the right timing, the severity of the current or recent abuse and the extent to which you can achieve physical and psychological space to heal.

I offer CBT therapy for narcissistic abuse. For 25+ years I have worked as a psychologist in NYC helping people who have been victimized by narcissists. If you’re committed to the process, real healing can occur.

How do I recover from narcissistic abuse?

The process of recovering from narcissistic abuse requires some form of personal and psychological distance from the narcissist. It doesn’t absolutely necessitate that you have zero contact with the narcissist, but a lack of contact will probably expedite your recovery. Of course, some people simply must have contact with the abuser, such as in the case of sharing children with the narcissist or remaining committed to trying to make a long-term relationship with a narcissist work.

Assuming you can first achieve some form of space to heal, you will need to deepen your understanding of the tactics the narcissist uses against you. You will also need to learn how to cut off their narcissistic supply or give it strategically by choice if you must have contact. In addition, because narcissists tend to strip people of their own separate identity, you need to discover who you are separate from the relationship, including your wants and needs, values, interests and self-worth separate from your relationship with the narcissist.

The process of healing also involves gaining a deep understanding of the narcissist’s tendency to blame you (or others) for most or all of their problems in life. The narcissist maintains the upper hand as long as you’re in a perpetual state of doubting yourself. 

Can I heal from narcissistic abuse if it occurred many years ago?

Yes. Therapy for abuse that occurred in past relationships or in childhood can be effective. Quite often, the therapy aims to help you heal from past abuse while assisting you in avoiding problematic relational patterns in adulthood that you learned as a child. Sometimes the work focuses on someone who has passed away, so the remnants of the abuse interact with a grieving process.

What is the best therapy for narcissistic abuse?

There is no single therapeutic approach for healing from narcissistic abuse that would be considered “the best.” You can achieve results with a skilled therapist who understands the nuances of narcissistic abuse. Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) represents one approach to healing from trauma and abuse, but there are other wonderful methods. Somatic therapy and EMDR represent two other approaches.

I have found that my clients tend to appreciate my enhanced CBT approach to healing from narcissistic abuse, which is primarily guided by a cognitive behavioral framework, but also informed by other helpful approaches that can be catered to the client’s way of viewing life. Since each individual views themselves, their relationships and the world as a whole in different ways, a flexible therapeutic approach can be extremely beneficial to the client.

CBT allows for more of a focus on your here-and-now experience. It enable you to handle and dispute irrational and troubling beliefs, and it aims to help you feel prepared to handle future difficult emotions and moments.

I must say though that the rational side of your mind only represents a part of your thought process. Much of human thought does not involve logic and reason. This is why I incorporate other methods of therapy — to help you to understand and manage the visual side of your mind. I like to think of it as the videos you play in your mind that don’t lend themselves to logic. Healing must involve sensations in the body, your fantasies, hopes and looping images that come to mind.

How do I deal with mental abuse from a narcissist?

The first step is to gain psychological (and, in some cases, physical) protection from the abusive individual. The therapeutic work is limited in its effectiveness if you don’t give yourself the space to process and heal. If the narcissist is actively harming you, it’s important to gain safety.

Because narcissistic abuse alters your sense of personal value, what you believe you deserve, your accountability/who is to blame, guilt, shame and so much more, you need outside perspectives from trusted individuals, as well as a better sense of who you are outside of what you’ve been told by the narcissist and possibly other abusive or neglectful individuals in your past.

The worst thing y0u can do is keep the abuse to yourself and avoid seeking support from trusted friends and family. It’s nearly impossible to recover from narcissistic abuse on your own. You need people- outside perspectives, preferably from friends AND a mental health professional.

Managing mental abuse from a narcissist must also involve learning to set boundaries with this individual and others in the future.

Should I do therapy after narcissistic abuse?

Therapy with an experienced therapist is likely to expedite your recovery from narcissistic abuse.

What is brain fog in the context of narcissistic abuse?

Brain fog refers to a sense of confusion, self-doubt and disorientation that sometimes results from prolonged narcissistic abuse. Many victims of abuse report feeling like their mental sharpness has been taken away, like they can’t trust themselves. Sometimes when some distance from the narcissist is achieved, there is a sense of derealization, as though the freedom isn’t real.

What are the four D’s of narcissistic abuse?

The four D’s relate to people who are married to a narcissist. The first three D’s represent the likely behavior of the narcissist, and the last D is the expected outcome.

DENY: The narcissist tends to behave abusively and then denies  that it ever happened or changes the narrative.

DISMISS:The narcissist tends to minimize any response you have that makes them accountable. They can make you doubt your own judgment, opinions and memory of events.

DEVALUE: The narcissist wins when you are doubting yourself and making you feel badly for what you’ve done. They put you down to keep control over you.

DIVORCE: It is very common for marriages to end as a result of one partner having narcissistic tendencies.

How do I support someone who has been abused by a narcissist?

The goal is to make it safe for them. Be a sounding board for them but don’t force your version of reality. It takes time to heal. People need patience and understanding from their support system. If someone is in physical danger, then immediate action is needed (National Domestic Abuse Hotline -Tel. 1-800-799-7233).

Can narcissists be helped?

While there aren’t many former narcissists, some progress can be made in therapy, even for people with narcissistic tendencies. However, the prognosis is usually not great. Ideally, the motivation for seeking help would be intrinsic. When narcissists get help based on an ultimatum, usually progress is possible but limited to the extent to which the person can take responsibility for the actions. Where I’ve seen the most success is when narcissists feel like they have something major to lose, the timing is right and there is at least a shred of an internal push to take responsibility and become a “better” person.

All the best to you on your journey,

Greg Kushnick

10 Questions for Finding Direction in Your Next Career Move

“Your unique gifts hold the key to your true purpose” – An Inspirational Purpose Quote and 10 Important Questions for Direction

Quick Ideas for a Career Shift in the Direction of Your True Purpose

Figuring out what you’ve been put on this Earth to accomplish is one of the hardest questions in the world to answer.

This inspirational quote about purpose is meant to guide you one step closer toward answering this question. Some people feel like they know their true purpose, and others are struggling to get even a shred of an idea about what they’re meant to do.

If you don’t know your gift, this might help to give you leads. Keep in mind that there are other great quotes and lessons on finding purpose created on Vomo. So do have a look around to find more on the subject once you’ve read and answered these questions.

Answer the five questions below to bring yourself closer to an answer. Keep in mind that your true purpose can change and expand. For example, many people get in touch with their purpose as a parent once that tiny little mush of a baby is in their arms.

10 Questions to Inspire You to Find New Career Direction

Ask yourself:

1. What tasks or topics seem to come easy to me as compared to most people?

2. What do I love to talk about for hours with people?

3. What jobs or tasks does my physical being make it easier for me to accomplish well?

4. What did I always dream of being as a child? What did I role play with other kids?

5. If you had no fear and there were zero negative consequences involved, which career would you pursue? Hobbies? Other potentially fruitful risks?

6. Are you at peace with your job being something that simply earns you money so that you have the freedom to engage in purposeful activity outside of work?

7. What did your parents tell you that you could never do (but maybe you really can)? Was there a path toward a career or passion you once had that you abandoned?

8. What is your version of being creative? What kind of self-expression do you find the most powerful for you to create.

9. How would your friends, family, colleagues and teachers describe you in terms of what makes you unique?Feel free to ask them.

10. Most importantly, when people enter your space, what do you strive to give them? Laughs? Information? Integrity? Companionship? Understanding? Non-judgment? Challenge?

What is this lesson and quote on purpose and career direction intended to inspire in you?

These questions are meant to motivate you to ask the right questions. Do you allow yourself to accept your unique gift? Are you too self-loathing, confused or anxious to accept that you have clear strengths and weaknesses?

Remember, your sense of purpose is not a clear path with no obstacles. You will struggle. You will doubt yourself. Your comfort zone will hug you too tight. You might want to turn back once you head into unfamiliar territory, but don’t until you’ve taken it far enough to know if you’ve found your gift/purpose.

Also, keep in mind that depression can profoundly influence your sense of purpose. For example, you could have discovered that you want to write comedy or play in a band, but you have to endure periods of low mood and poor motivation. Ride out the storm and your purpose will return. Talk it out. Self-express. Eat and sleep as well as possible.

Don’t discount spirituality and religion as ways to find purpose. Community can help you see what you’re good at and what people get from you that betters their day. I hope you enjoyed my career quote and lesson.

Don’t forget….your purpose can be determined if you haven’t already figured it out. You have gifts. I’m sure of it.

GK

One of the Keys to Managing Depression

Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Therapy in NYC: What to Expect

In my years of experience as a psychologist in NYC, I have come to the conclusion that the hardest part of therapy for people who have endured narcissistic abuse from a romantic partner, parent, sibling or boss, is actually starting therapy in the first place.

Everything else seems to unfold with greater ease once the process begins. It’s as though everything you’ve endured in an abusive relationship with a narcissist has created a wave of resistance, an uphill climb through self-doubt, guilt, shame and confusion that dilutes any effort to take care of your mind and body. However, once you place yourself in a safe therapeutic space for processing the abuse with an experienced psychologist, something shifts.

An amazing thing happens. You start to learn who you are separate from the abusive relationship. You see the tactics of the narcissist more clearly and you start to respond differently. You learn how to begin to set better boundaries that give you a sense of mental freedom and control. You feel like you have more of a sense of choice. Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Therapy can change your life if you let. I have seen the effects over my 20+ years as an NYC psychotherapist and it’s remarkable.

I’ll Meet You Where You’re At

I will support you at whatever stage you’re at in the relationship. Some people come to therapy needing help to leave an abusive relationship. Others have already left and are needing assistance with the fallout of the separation. And some people have decided to stay in a relationship with the narcissist because of other factors like the presence of shared children or a work situation they cannot yet end. I will meet you where you are. No judgment. Let’s help you to get a handle on the difficult aspects of exposure to narcissistic abuse.

Manage Shame and Self-Doubt

The main psychological weapon of choice for narcissistic individuals is self-doubt. As long as you are questioning yourself, foggy minded, ambivalent, confused and shameful, the narcissist has control. I help my clients come out from under this blanket of self-doubt. It’s so liberating when it happens and it’s one of the most gratifying parts of my job as a therapist who specializes in narcissistic abuse in New York.

Learn the Tactics of Narcissistic Abuse

I will make it easy for you to understand the specific tactics of the person who is manipulating and harming you. As a result, you will be more prepared with a variety of tactics for feeling more empowered to cope with actual exposure to this individual or memories of troubling interactions with this person. My methods tend to be quite effective, especially for clients who are motivated to create something better for themselves.

Discover Who You Are Separate from the Relationship- Find Yourself!

Therapy for narcissistic abuse involves trying to come to terms with the treatment you’ve endured at the hands of a narcissist, and in that process is figuring out who you are separate from the relationship. Years spent as the child of a narcissistic parent has most likely conditioned you to think about yourself, your value, your abilities in terms of how he or she wanted you to think and feel. The same goes for a spouse or shorter-term romantic partner. Therapy will help you plug in to who you are and who you want to be for yourself and the world.

I find this work incredibly fulfilling and I’d love to have the opportunity to help you.

For more information about me and my approach, please consider listening to The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast on narcissism on which I was a guest. Here is another the link to the podcast on Apple Podcasts.

If you’re not whether or not your partner is a narcissist, please take a look at my article on the signs of narcissism. As a therapist who specializes in narcissistic abuse recovery, I have seen so many different manifestations of abuse, so I am well-equipped to handle most issues related to narcissism.

Please feel free to reach out to me with any questions about getting started in therapy for narcissistic abuse in New York City. I offer in-person CBT therapy and online therapy from my Chelsea office.

All the best to you!!

Greg Kushnick

Social Anxiety Treatment in NYC: Your Questions Answered

Hi there. I’m Dr. Greg Kushnick, a psychologist in NYC who treats clients with social anxiety on a daily basis. I truly enjoy helping my clients to overcome their social struggles and I strive to offer the most effective methods for treatment of social anxiety. I hope you learn something new from the information provided below. Please don’t hesitate to contact me with any questions. All the best!

All About Social Anxiety Treatment

Do I have social anxiety?

Do you often avoid social situations? Are you mentally uncomfortable when you’re socializing, to the point where you’re preoccupied with saying the wrong thing, making a fool of yourself, being rejected or becoming revealed as a fraud? Do you often beat yourself up after socializing and find yourself ruminating about something you said that may have been interpreted the wrong way? Do you need to drink alcohol every tine you socialize? A “yes” to any of the above-mentioned questions suggests that social anxiety might be preventing you from living a more fulfilling life. Here is a short screening for social anxiety.

…But isn’t it normal to be anxious before and during social situations? 

It is certainly normal– up to a point. We all experience nervousness before and during certain social situations. It really depends on how much the anxiety leads to avoidance, rumination, self-loathing and an inability to gain a sense of connection and fulfillment from your social engagements. Everyone has a weak spot when it comes to socializing. For example, you might be comfortable in most social situations, but when it comes to connecting with your high school or college friends, you feel extreme anxiety and discomfort. Social anxiety is considered a problem if it leads to significant and chronic avoidance of social opportunities or extreme anxiety that doesn’t subside while socializing, and it gets in the way of feeling connected to people and socially fulfilled.

What is important to know about coping with social anxiety in New York City?

New York City culture celebrates social performance. That translates into pressure. Pressure to seem like you have your life figured out, pressure to succeed and keep up with your peers, pressure to make lots of money. It’s so easy to slip into the mindset that everyone else is doing better than you are. That’s a typical cognitive distortion. Relieving yourself of some amount of social pressure can help you feel less anxious.

What is the best exercise for social anxiety?

Where should I go if I have social anxiety?

How do I tell if I’m socially anxious, depressed, or both?

Well, one distinction that some people find helpful is to think of anxiety as the anticipation that a catastrophe will occur in the future, as opposed to depression, which is the sense that a catastrophe has already occurred in the past. Do you tend to worry that something bad will happen to you, or that something has been already lost? The truth is that anxiety and depression often coexist. This is because social avoidance tends to lead to rumination, which tends to include thoughts about failure, embarrassment, shame and negative self-worth.

These negative thoughts and feelings promote more avoidance. Also, people justify social avoidance by the relief they believe they will feel by steering clear of a chance to have negative beliefs verified through negative social interaction. No one wants proof of their darkest thoughts about themselves, so avoidance serves a powerful short-term purpose. Long term, however, depression can set in if social engagements are chronically avoided, as a sense of helplessness and negative self-worth can take over if there isn’t positive social feedback or appropriate outlets to gain a healthy perspective about how social anxiety makes you think, feel and act.

Many people are just anxious or just depressed. Some people give themselves enough social wins and opportunities for connectedness to avoid getting depressed, despite their intense social discomfort. If you have low self-worth and you frequently interpret social interactions in the service of verifying your negative beliefs, then chances are you will develop depressive tendencies over time. If you frequently leave social situations feeling like a failure, embarrassed or shamed, the tendency to avoid will promote depression, and the tendency to push forward and keep striving for better experiences will be a buffer against depression.

Perfectionistic tendencies can also play a role in social anxiety and depression. (See below.)