A Guide to Relearning to Trust Yourself After Narcissistic Abuse

Healing from narcissistic abuse can be an intense experience. You’ve likely endured constant exposure to someone who questioned your reality, minimized your feelings and distanced you from your instincts. Your ability to trust yourself isn’t gone. It’s just buried under someone else’s voice. 

Through my work as a psychologist in New York City helping clients heal from narcissistic abuse, I’ve learned that recovery is less about forgetting the past and more about relearning how to trust yourself and clear the confusion that abuse leaves behind.

(Disclaimer: This article does not constitute psychotherapy or a psychotherapeutic relationship with this writer.  The following content represents suggestions for self-exploration based on my experience as a CBT therapist in NYC who has worked extensively with people seeking relief from the effects of narcissistic abuse, as well my work with people on the spectrum of narcissism.)

In this article I present an outline representing a plan for healing from trauma caused by a narcissist. Because the process can elicit so many intense thoughts, feelings and memories, I believe it can be beneficial to see the process written in outline form.

I also include three Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Exercises to give you tangible actions to partake along your journey. These exercises may be best attempted under the guidance of a mental health professional, but at least you will see what might be helkpful.

Moving on from the psychological hold of a narcissist involves reconnecting with your own voice and learning to trust it. One eye-opening part of the healing process is recognizing the fictional elements of the relationship while bringing your emotions under control and maintaining a healthy, adaptive perspective. 

When you’re able to reframe the relationship and move toward being less triggered as you recall aspects of the abuse, the disorientation and disconnection begin to subside.

If the break from a relationship with a narcissist is recent or if you haven’t tried to heal the wounds of the past, you may be left questioning what’s real, second guessing your thoughts, feelings and memories. When your sense of reality has been repeatedly and painfully denied, challenged, belittled and ignored by someone with narcissistic traits, plugging back in to your own authentic and deserving sense of self requires watering the roots of psychological safety (and, in some cases, physical safety from the narcissist).

The process of learning to trust your mind again doesn’t have a clear playbook since we’re all different people with our own unique, internal influences (e.g., temperament, mood issues, anxiety, attentional factors) and external influences (e.g., prior trauma from having a narcissistic family member or romantic partner, current level of emotional support from friends and family, financial resources). However, I have found that there are universal mental experiences for people who have endured trauma from narcissistic control and manipulation.

Narcissistic abuse usually involves constant questioning of one’s own perceptions. Many people report feeling disconnected from their intuition after enduring a relationship with a narcissist. 

Even simple decisions about what’s good or bad for you can be affected, and your ability to launch into self-loving action requires a lot more effort. 

I’m going to lay out a few main initiatives to focus on as you learn to trust yourself again. In my experience as a psychologist in NYC helping clients overcome narcissistic abuse, the following goals aid in reducing mental confusion and constant self-doubting resulting from emotional abuse by a narcissist.

How to Move on from Narcissistic Abuse and Relearn Self-Trust

Below is an outline of the plan I use to help my clients overcome the effects of narcissistic abuse. Please note that everyone’s situation varies. This is an ideal plan. I generally assume that professional help will be needed to accomplish many of these goals. This article will cover the first two areas listed below, in addition to a bit about personal values.

1. Education and Awareness

• Begin a journey of self-discovery
• Become an expert in the narcissist’s tactics for manipulation and control
• Improve understanding of the internal conflicts caused by narcissistic abuse, including viewing decision-making through the lens of connection versus confusion and temporary emotional safety versus personal growth
• Start to reframe the narrative of the relationship

2. Safety and Self-Regulation

• Achieve emotional and physical safety
• Build a world of contrast between beliefs about the self and the narcissist’s self-serving accusations
• Identify triggers for emotional dysregulation and the narcissist’s most effective tactics
• Create healthy emotional and behavioral responses to upsetting and confusing triggers
• Strengthen your social connections

3. Deep Healing from Trauma

• Engage in trauma reprocessing
• Reconnect/reintegrate internal parts
• Identify and manifest personal values

Please note that this process is not necessarily stepwise. There are often many overlapping realizations and goals. It can be messy, but this is why an expert in narcissism can help guide you through the process to make it as safe and productive and clean as possible.

I’m now going to use this plan to organize my insights to achieve the goal of improving self-trust and healing confusion after trauma from a narcissist.

Relearn Self-Trust Through a Commitment to Self-Exploration

The process of trusting yourself requires that you begin a journey of discovering who you are outside of the role and tasks assumed inside and outside of the relationship with the narcissist. Essentially, you need to reconnect with what makes you–You.

Narcissists benefit from making people doubt themselves in every way, shape and form. The way you think of your own personality, including the beautiful gifts you offer the world by just being You is likely to be warped and less accessible in your recovery. Learning to trust yourself depends on you beginning to understand and separate from what the narcissist accused you of being.

Self-doubt is the weapon of the narcissist.

The narcissist’s ability to manipulate and control you depends on you remaining in a state of self-doubt. Essentially, the narcissist makes you question everything. and then they fill in the gaps of uncertainty to serve their needs and narrative. In order to behave abusively, they need you to need them, but their influence, both in and after a relationship, reduces when you understand how badly they need you to question yourself. Once you’re convinced that you’re a horrible person by the abusive partner (or parent, boss, sibling, etc.), you start to believe that you’re deserving of bad treatment.

As you become increasingly aware of the abusive and controlling tactics used by the narcissist, it is quite common to feel like you’ve lost trust in your judgment, including what really happened to you, how bad it was for you, whether the narcissist’s love is real (I wrote an article on love and narcissism to help answer this question,) and what you deserve in the future.

My work with New Yorkers who are caught in the fog and self-doubt caused by narcissistic abuse have benefitted from a wholehearted self-exploration of how their mind works and what they can do to defuse themselves from troubling thoughts and feelings related to their relationship with the narcissist.

Think of it as a declaration that you are committed to understanding the impact that narcissistic abuse has had on you and the part of you that the narcissist controlled to keep you from trusting yourself.

Achieve Emotional Safety from the Narcissist’s Influence on Your Thoughts

Whether you remain in a relationship with a narcissist or you’re learning to trust yourself with the narcissist in the rearview mirror, the key is to achieve some degree of personal and psychological safety. It is very hard to break through your mind’s system of protective defenses and ease the hypervigilant mistrust if you don’t feel safe in any way. My hope for you is that if you remain in a relationship with someone with significant narcissistic tendencies, you will strive to create your own reality that contrasts with what the narcissist needs you to believe.

At times, you might have to “play the game” with the narcissist (e.g., if you share a child and need to coordinate childcare or if your boss will remain “the boss” for some period of time). Some people find power and control in knowing they are playing the narcissist. If you make a choice to go along with play along (within limits), but in your mind you are “playing the player,” then the situation can be, at least temporarily, tolerable.

Ultimately, your emotional safety and well-being should come first, especially in the spirit of either shifting the balance of power in a current relationship with a narcissist or healing from prior narcissistic abuse.

If you’re maintaining the relationship, seeing right through narcissist’s tactics and creating your own inner understanding of the narcissist’s intentions helps with feeling less confused and more trusting of your mind.

Become an Expert in the Narcissist’s Manipulation Tactics

Learning to trust your mind after involves making a distinction between your true intentions and the narcissist’s mental manipulation. The anxiety and confusion you feel has served the narcissist’s needs. When you’re chronically kept emotionally off balance and in a fog, you can’t even defend yourself with your full mental capacities. Nor can you accurately trust yourself enough to advocate for yourself based on a more accurate version of reality. This is why psychoeducation is so important as a first step in your process. You need increased perspective to know when you’re being manipulated. 

A narcissist’s ability to engage in blameshifting is unbelievable. A variety of methods are employed to avoid accountability and make you question your version of how you remember events. The art of blameshifting needs to be studied with ferocious enthusiasm. It will give you priceless perspective in order to separate from the lies you’ve been fed.

Building out a separate reality and healing confusion requires you to study the tactics of the narcissist (see a list of narcissistic manipulation strategies here). If you can label the behaviors used against you, it removes at least some of their influence. I recommend becoming an expert in gaslighting and its many manifestations. Learn to identify gaslighting when a character with narcissistic traits on a Netflix show is doing it to others. Here is a list of movies and shows containing a narcissistic, main character who gaslights others. Study how it manifests in the narcissist in your life. This knowledge is true power.

Knowing the tactics of the narcissist is crucial, but taking it a step further….you need to know which narcissistic control and manipulation tactics are you the most prone to falling for. Are any of these tactics used in your family? In other words, do you have familiarity with certain narcissistic maneuvers that either get right through your defenses or toward which you’ve already built up awareness and resistance?

Some people enter a relationship with a propensity toward excessive self-judgment and self-doubt and the narcissist capitalizes on this vulnerability. People with narcissistic qualities will turn your natural tendencies against you. They will tax your support to the point where your needs no longer matter.

If you tend to find yourself in the role of the “giver,” the type of person who tends to put aside their own needs for the other, then you’re at high risk for being taken advantage of by a narcissist. Giving and sacrificing in a romantic relationship does require something tangible in return, but your request to have your emotional needs met is likely to have been punished and ignored by the narcissist.

This doesn’t mean that the giver should stop giving and the empath should stop holding the pain of others. It means you need to understand how your tendencies have been weaponized against you. You need to know what the tactics sound like, look like and feel like. This will allow you to begin to make a better distinction between what the narcissist needs you to feel so they can get their way versus the thoughts and feelings that are uniquely yours.

It is important to note that even someone with a healthy sense of self-worth and who is not a giver/empath can be brainwashed by a narcissist into adopting state of perpetual self-doubt.

Each time you recall a negative memory, try to label the narcissistic tactic (e.g., “Ahhh, he’s using false equivalence to justify his actions.”)

Learn Triggers of Self-Doubt in Narcissistic Abuse

Begin to study what your mind sounds like when you’re in a state of self-doubt, typically in the form of sweeping, global, negative statements about yourself (e.g., I am a horrible and neglectful partner….so I don’t deserve to go out with my friends separate from my narcissistic partner).

You can even give a name to this part of you that goes right to self-doubt. Call it by name when it’s trying to steer you away from positivity. This is the part of you that is trained by the narcissist to maintain a sense of safety and connection while in the relationship. This part comes up with the solution of devaluing yourself to avoid danger and disconnection, but it comes at the cost of maintaining any form of a healthy sense of self. 

Study the accusations that narcissist relied on to convince you of their beliefs about you. What did they say to you to make you lose your center, to make you question yourself, to make you stop fighting back? What did they gain by you hating and doubting yourself? So many clients say to me,  “I wasn’t innocent either. I did legitimately bad things in the relationship as well.” Clients will share self-loathing stories of acting in ways that justify their negative self-concept. Please just know that everyone has unhealthy ways to cope with abuse. Think of these behaviors as heroic strategies for survival in the relationship. They were probably necessary for you to maintain safety and sanity while being abused. You can now commit to creating new ways to cope.

Overcome the Battle Between Connection and Self-Sacrifice

It’s human nature to seek connection with important people in our lives, even when they hurt us. We try to please them, accommodate their needs and adjust our inner world to avoid conflict, especially we’re contending with their punishing, superficial front of strength and certainty. Sometimes we get a window into their wounded ego. They hide from us their fragile send of self, as just below the hard front of their outward personality is a deep pool of fear and low self-worth, a sense of nothingness. It’s in the narcissist’s best interest to make sure people don’t see this side of them.

Your time in the relationship with a narcissist has kept you in a constant state of tension between connection and confusion. 

This inner conflict between connection and the fact that the narcissists behavior tends to be inconsistent, contradictory and punishing tends to promote a state of helplessness in the partner. It makes sense that to maintain emotional connection and safety (and avoid the narcissist’s punishment), the best choice of action ends up being giving in to the narcissist.

In your relationship with a narcissist, it’s inevitable that you’ll have to negotiate the inner conflict between temporary emotional safety and personal growth.

We have the human need to feel safe, even if it comes at a cost. During your time with the narcissist, how much have you been able to invest in activities that promote your personal growth? Chances are that the narcissist has invested in sabotaging most of your efforts to grow and prosper as an individual because your emotional and spiritual growth represents a threat, a loss of control for the narcissist.

It’s quite common for partners of narcissists to give up many of the activities and interests that used to feel healthy and growth-promoting. I get it. It’s much more important to feel safe and keep the peace when you’re in the thick of it all.

But think of the sacrifices you’ve made to maintain the peace with the narcissist. This can induce tears and regrets for many survivors of narcissistic abuse. You had to do what you had to do to get by, but now it doesn’t have to be that way. In or after the relationship, you can develop your interests and commit to meaningful activities and values. I recognize that this might enrage the narcissist, but please know that your health is most important. And your health requires that you strive to do what makes life meaningful for you.

Reframe the Narrative of the Relationship with the Narcissist

Narcissistic partners tend to share their opinions with pathological certainty. That is, they tend to speak in absolutes with no room for your interpretation of events.  They tell you how it is and they minimize or ignore any facts or opinions that conflict with how they see you. Most importantly, they will make you and your needs are the problem. As long as you buy into their narrative of the relationship, you will think less of yourself. You will adopt their self-serving and manipulative views about yourself. This is how they get their way with you. For example, if you hold them accountable for something bad they’ve done to you, they are likely to convince you that it’s your fault, or you deserved it or they will challenge your memory and tell you that it didn’t happen that way.

The narcissist’s self-serving narrative of the relationship (i.e., their version of reality) is forced upon the people under their influence.

Your memory for events, including who is to blame for the problems in the relationship, become blurry and confusing. If you’ve been repeatedly told, “It’s all your fault,” then you’re likely to come to believe it over time. In the face of abuse, adopting a belief that conflicts with that of the abuser may create more fear and confusion. In essence, the narcissist hijacks your ability to make sense of your behavior. Even your self-loving actions are likely to trigger guilt, shame, self-loathing and confusion because of the harmful treatment you endured.

Narcissists also tend to have a have a cunning way of arguing their point and convincing you of how a memory actually played out. Forget about convincing them of anything. It’s a waste of time. It’s up to you to create your own separate recollection and interpretation of your memories of being in the relationship. My hope for you is that your healing process will include lots of self-compassion and a keen awareness of the narcissist’s tactics and intentions that decreasingly impact your sense of self-worth.

Understand the Narcissist’s Memory Manipulation

Our actions are usually the content of our memories, but these memories are sensitive to manipulation. If we are viewing our existence through the lens of “I don’t deserve love,” for example, then we will only attend to memories and new experiences through this filter and ignore or minimize all other evidence that contradicts this belief. 

A narcissist is a master of memory manipulation.

It’s essential that you take time to rethink the narrative of the relationship because the narcissist has manipulated your memory. Much of the abuser’s ability to wear you down and harm you comes from this toxic achievement. 

You must know that this is not a sign of weakness on your part. Everyone who has endured a prolonged relationship with a narcissist has had their memory hacked, not just you. It is human nature to have your memories altered by relationship trauma.

They might convince you that you’ve been selfish and neglectful over the course of the relationship. Over time, any abused partner will begin to buy into the distorted narrative that serves the narcissist’s needs and justifies their abusive and neglectful behavior. If the narcissist can accomplish this, then your memories will become distorted to serve the narrative. 

You may forget all the good you did. 

The narcissist’s distorted narrative will make you believe you are inherently bad, defective or unlovable.

You may forget why your friends are great for you.

The narcissist’s distorted narrative will make you believe  you must distance yourself from your support system to make you less influenced by others. A partner’s friends (and family members who don’t agree with the narcissist) are a threat to the narcissist, so they distance you from supportive people who have historically celebrated and grounded you.

You may forget that you deserve true love. 

The narcissist’s distorted narrative will make you believe you must not ask for more than they choose to give you. Over time they offer a decreasing amount of loving acts and they punish or ignore your requests for more.  

You may forget that you need space to enrich yourself spiritually and emotionally. 

The narcissist’s distorted narrative will take away your ability to grow as a person because personal growth is a threat to their security and control. 

Reframing your self-sabotaging patterns of thinking and behavior to better understand the impact of narcissistic abuse can grant you layers of perspective, ease the shame and create room for self-compassion.

Update Your Self-Worth and Reject the Narcissist’s Self-Serving Beliefs

What has the narcissist’s pathological certainty about you led you to believe about yourself? In the interest of maintaining control over you, the narcissist has probably convinced you that you’re some version of “too needy, too demanding and too sensitive.” How many times have they told you that your needs are ridiculous, your version of the story is wrong?  How many times have they punished you by ignoring statements that make them accountable? These narcissistic manipulations all make you doubt yourself and adopt the least generous version of your worth.

Narcissists are masters of shaping their partner’s self-worth to maintain control.

Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Exercise #1

First, make a list of everything the narcissist has tried to convince you about your own self-worth and goodness. Put some space between each accusation.

Second, after each statement, write the opposite. Create a positive and generous interpretation about yourself in the spirit of connecting with. your own personal truth

Third, list a few of the tactics the narcissist used to convince you of this negative belief about yourself.

Every time you go into a state of self-doubt and fall prey to these manipulations, do this exercise to remind you again of your own truth.

Create Healthier Responses to Triggers Caused By Narcissistic Abuse

When you’re triggered by something the narcissist did to you, it’s necessary to develop a new set of coping responses in addition to what you did to survive the abuse. For example, if you’re suddenly reminded of how many lies the narcissist told you, instead of obsessing about these lies and looking for “evidence” of the narcissist’s wrongdoing, consider calling a trusted friend or family member to talk about how you were triggered. Or journal about everything you’re thinking on the subject without editing, put it away and move on with your day. Another option is to substitute the obsessing with a behavior that represents healthy self-care, such as taking a walk and listening to your favorite (uplifting) band or doing some stretching to motivational music.

Reconnect with Your Social Circle

Relying on friends for support will expedite the healing process. Reconnecting with all that is real and true and good for you requires that you move toward people who are safe for you and who will remind you of your good parts. For many people who are reeling from narcissistic abuse, the hard part about increasing social activity is allowing yourself to be vulnerable with others and/or worrying that you’re “too much” because of the fear of oversharing or acting depressed and “no fun”.

First, take a chance with the least judgmental person you trust. Don’t hesitate to ask this person when you’re in the throes of grief or self-doubt, “Tell me if I’m off with this, but…..” Let someone give you a much-needed reality check. Talking through your experiences will help you reframe the narrative of what occurred in the relationship

Seek out new groups of people. Start a new hobby that involves a fresh start. A group class can promote healing. Have you been putting off enrolling in a sports, dance, martial arts, improv, acting, craft, religious or spiritual class where you can potentially bond with other people? There’s no better time than the present to go after this if you long for healing from an abusive relationship. Group therapy can also be immensely helpful.

Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Exercise #2

Interview two or three people in your life who have a track record of showing you respect and appreciation. Choose people who make you feel safe. Don’t ask people who remain under the narcissist’s influence. 

Ask each of these trusted people the following questions:

Who am I for you when I enter your space?

What do you think is unique about me?

How have I changed under the influence of the narcissist?

Can you tell me a memory or two of when I did something admirable or uniquely me?

Hearing it from other people can reconnect you to how you used to see yourself. I understand that we all have a version of  imposter syndrome that pays special attention to the difference between how people see us and how we see ourselves. Pay close attention to how the self-sabotaging, self-doubting part of you aims to distort your sense of self. It is likely to have a field day with information that a trusted friend or family member shares with you about your greatness. 

Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Exercise #3

This brings me to my next recommendation. In this type of situation where you spiral into vicious self-judgment, say to yourself, “Whoop, here I go judging again!” Repeat this phrase every time you catch yourself judging yourself, even if it’s 50 times a day. The goal is to put some distance between you and your judgments. I have often written about this intervention, which I learned many years ago from Peter Reznik, a phenomenal mind-body therapist. 

A little room between you and your self-judgments goes a long way, as it gives you the ability to edit the judgment in the spirit of self-acceptance and awareness. Constant self-judgment turns your mind against itself. It promotes unease and disease. The narcissist benefitted greatly from this habit of yours in terms of control of your mind. 

Again, notice each time you judge yourself, especially when you think of your behavior in the relationship with the narcissist. Following the self-judgment, reframe what happened in the relationship and what the narcissist gained by manipulating you to think in this particular negative way. For example, if you have a sudden recollection of how much the narcissist lied to you and you’re flooded with self-loathing, confusion and regret, say to yourself, “Hmm, here I go judging again. I was manipulated by this person so badly so they can get away with all of their lies.

Judging the narcissist is another story. You will probably need to let yourself do this as you heal. Many people report going through waves of compassion and guilt for how they have hurt of betrayed the narcissist. Compassion for the narcissist has its role in the healing process but guilt needs to be minimized, as it tends to make people feel like they still owe a debt to the narcissist, which is a dangerous idea.

Rebuild Your Sense of Purpose After Narcissistic Abuse

What constitutes a meaningful life for you? Do you have a vision of living true to yourself looks like? What actions in everyday living make you feel like you’re manifesting a well-lived life?

Answering these questions will help you connect with your personal values, which will help you to know when you’re being true to yourself. Values clarity promotes clearer perspective on the difference between what an abusive relationship has taught you to think and what truly matters to you. A value is an ideal that is turned into reality through behavior. If you’ve been punished for manifesting your values in reality, there’s a good chance you’ve grown distant from activities that made you feel grounded.

For example, your partner is threatened by your value of spiritual growth so he sabotages your efforts to go on spiritual retreats or take a class on spirituality. You may have to come agree with the narcissist because you see how much it upsets him. Perhaps he appealed to your doubts about a spirituality class because it’s expensive or the benefits of attending are not crystal clear. The key is to dare to reconnect with this value and get closer to what feels authentic and true to you. You’ve been systematically held back. Spiritual nurturing of any type is great for reminding you of what really matters to you in life.

Your personal growth is a threat to the narcissist.

Another example would be if you used to value investing in and maintaining close friendships, but your narcissistic partner systematically dissuaded you from getting together with your long-time friends who you’ve trusted in the past. The narcissist’s control tactics are likely to make you bitter but self-doubting when it comes to manifesting this value. Maybe the narcissist convinced you that your sibling or close friend is a horrible person, but a part of you still feels like you’ve been pushed away from good people who were there for you in the past. Controlling you is easier without your friends and family around you. Shame, confusion and resentment about the distance you’ve created from these great friends may be holding you back. Well, now that you’re realizing the need to find your own truth, it’s necessary to reconnect with this value (and the friends you’ve lost touch with).

Another example would be if you used to value and act upon your commitment to personal growth (one of my values), but your partner seemed to feel threatened by and judge actions you took to better yourself. As a result, they manipulated you to reduce behaviors aimed at emotional, social and spiritual self-nurturing so that they could control your self-worth by keeping you in a state of personal neglect, helplessness and self-doubt.

I believe it can be helpful to write a list of five or six personal values that constitute a meaningful life. Carry this list with you, perhaps in a note on your phone, and review the list to remind yourself of the direction you’re aiming for.

The third section of the outline, deep healing from trauma, is not part of this article. My intention with this long piece of writing is to give you clarity and direction as you heal from trauma caused by a narcissist. I wish you all the best in your journey. Feel free to contact me with any questions about getting started in therapy for narcissistic abuse.

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Dr. Greg Kushnick is a licensed psychologist serving New York and New Jersey. His offices are located in Chelsea/Flatiron and Wall St./Financial District of New York City. Dr. Kushnick offers concrete tools and practical cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) techniques. In-person and online appointments are available during morning, afternoon and evening hours. To schedule a complimentary 15-minute phone consultation, email [email protected].

The Key to Effective Social Anxiety Therapy for New Yorkers

Social confidence can be hard to achieve in New York City. In fact, it’s quite common for New Yorkers to grapple with periods of overwhelming social anxiety and stress in anticipation of relating to other people.

As a psychologist in private practice in NYC, I have come to understand what makes therapy for social anxiety effective. I’m going to share with you what I believe needs to be part of your therapy process in order to maximize your efforts to gain social confidence and reduce anxiety. That is, to feel highly prepared to manage the challenges that arise in social settings and in the time leading up to social events.

When we talk about social anxiety, a.k.a. ‘social phobia’, we’re referring to persistent fear of and intense worry about being judged and/or observed by others in social settings. This fear promotes avoidance behaviors and can be associated with depression, as isolation from the need to avoid promotes a lot of negativity directed toward the self, sometimes including a deep regret for failed or missed opportunities.

I’m going to talk about getting started in the process of improving your social anxiety, but most importantly, I’m going to discuss what actually makes therapy for social anxiety effective for New Yorkers. I’ve been doing this work for a long time as a psychologist, and I believe many people don’t realize what is needed to feel more socially prepared and adept.

Sometimes our social anxiety fears do come true. The very outcome we ruminated about can happen. CBT therapy prepares you for this situation.

CBT for social anxiety can help you identify hot thoughts that keep the vicious cycle of self-judgment and avoidance in motion. By learning to gain control of painful mental images, negative self-judgment and personal rules, you can work on creating small victories in social settings.

But there’s more to that’s required for social anxiety therapy to be effective.

Therapy Key #1: Managing Social Expectations

The very first step toward improving social anxiety is about managing your expectations. (In truth, it’s also about acknowledging that you’re going to need to go outside of your comfort zone to make any appreciable change, which includes a willingness to sit in the discomfort that comes up when facing the embarrassment, shame and self-defeating thoughts and behaviors associated with social anxiety, but more on this in a bit.)

Your expectations determine whether or not you feel pleased or dissatisfied with reality. They can promote avoidance behaviors or push you to try hard things. Expectations of social success in New York can be tainted by all of the influences that NYC throws at you.

For New Yorkers who are sensitive to social failure, models of social success may feel like they are everywhere they go. New York City, particularly Manhattan, bombards its inhabitants with massive exposure to material wealth goes hand in hand with feelings of intimidation, the need to “catch up.” This all starts with what you expect to happen when you aim to grow your professional network, make new friends, find love in the big city or all of the above.

Of course, it’s beautiful to aim for the stars and hope for an amazing social outcome. However, a having healthy social expectations involves being realistic about the time it takes to establish connections in the city and a deep understanding of the impact of who you choose for social comparison on how you view yourself and your chances.

When there is a constant discrepancy between social expectations and your social reality, it can create periods of social avoidance and despair. On the flip side, if you just assume that you’re going to fail and you use evidence of past failures to project into the future, your expectations are also messing with your chances of improving your social anxiety.

So the first step is all about expectations. Try to be open to the idea that what you define as social success might need to be adjusted. The illusion of massive social success is all around us. Social media makes this worse.

Then there are the select few who have amazing social success, but I promise you that you don’t know the whole story.

Ask Yourself These Questions About Your Expectations of Social Success

1. Where does my benchmark for social success come from? Is this a realistic goal? Am I willing to look deeper into my standards in an effort to improve my social confidence?
2. Does my model of social success match my personality style? (i.e., Extroversion/Introversion)
3. Are there teenage experiences of social success or failure that I’m trying to repeat or correct for?
4. Am I aware of the extent to which social media plays a role in feeling like a social failure? Which social media accounts make me feel the best/worst?
5. Are my expectations for how I feel and act in social situations rarely being matched by reality?
6. Are my expectations of social failure too high? Do I recognize the small social wins?
7. Do I stay away from taking social chances because I assume I’ll fail?

These questions represent a small sample of what to start thinking about in any initiative to improve your social anxiety. Going into therapy with a keen eye on your expectations is a good first step, but real, appreciable change in therapy for social anxiety requires an understanding that your anxiety is not all that needs to be targeted in therapy. It will certainly be the primary focus, but to do social anxiety therapy the right way, you need to target “second level” emotions as well.

Therapy Key #2: Embracing Second Level Emotions

Effective therapy for social anxiety will help you feel less in your own head when you’re socializing, networking or around strangers. You will be more in the moment and less preoccupied with how you think you’re being perceived. You’ll be more likely to feel self-expressed and vulnerable. In order to achieve these gains, you not only need to focus on anxiety reduction, but also on how you feel about your struggle with anxiety. I’m essentially referring to how you feel about how you feel.

Anxiety is considered a primary emotion. So is anger, disgust, surprise, happiness and sadness. Primary emotions are more brief and instinctive. Once they sweep in, they start to effect your thought process, which opens the door for secondary or “second level” emotions.

Second level emotions last longer. (I like the term “second level” as a metaphor because it makes me think of a cover or a ceiling that locks in the problem.) These emotions tend to have increasing influence over time and even may be operating out of awareness. While primary emotions are more universal, secondary emotions are specific to the individual. Examples of second level emotions are shame, guilt, embarrassment, frustration, withdrawal, regret and jealousy.

For people with moderate to severe social anxiety, I have found that second level emotions function as the mental glue that keeps social anxiety in place.

In my experience as a clinical psychologist in private practice in NYC, I have come to understand that effective therapy for social anxiety must include an examination of second level emotion. That is, you need to cultivate an awareness of how you feel about how feel.

Second level emotions make the experience of social avoidance much worse. If you decide to stay home and avoid a social situation, you might feel an initial sense of relief as you sit in the safety of your home because you avoided a potentially mentally dangerous situation. You succeeding in avoiding the potentially negative social experience, but this avoidance, if repeated, begets more avoidance. Before you know it, you’re making excuses on a consistent basis to avoid all kinds of social events.

It’s quite common for people to feel a painful sense of shame about their perceived social failures and avoidance. Some people judge themselves intensely for feeling socially anxious, even panicky, being too quiet or having nothing interesting to say.

For example, let’s say you attended a social event and felt so nervous that you could barely speak. You also questioned what you had to offer in various conversations. Maybe with one person you know well you felt fine, but you judge yourself for how you performed in other conversations. Maybe you felt hyperaware of having no hobbies or exciting topics to discuss. Following the event, you felt such negative self-loathing that any positive aspects of the event were canceled by your extremely negative evaluation of your social performance.

The shame you feel might compel you to mentally beat yourself up, question your character and your future. Depression might kick in because you’re grieving what you think you’ll never be able to accomplish.

This shame kind of seals the deal for your social anxiety to maintain control over your choices and self-evaluation. It is the mental glue that keeps your suffering in place because it contributes to a vicious cycle of negative self-evaluation and avoidance. The more you judge yourself about your social anxiety, the more you’re likely to avoid. The more you avoid social situations, the more likely you are to judge yourself negatively. This pattern limits your chances for social success, even little wins that could give you a sense of hope.

When shame and low self-worth are too easily accessible or too dominant relative to other emotions, your social anxiety cannot be fixed with exposure therapy alone. 

Effective social anxiety therapy requires a focus on what is triggered in you as you judge yourself for having the anxiety.

Of course, social anxiety therapy does require some form of exposure, as well as the acquisition of new skills so you can feel prepared to handle social challenges. That sense of social readiness is crucial to the success of your social anxiety therapy. 

Feel free to reach out with any questions you have about CBT therapy for anxiety. And please click on the link for FAQ about social anxiety therapy.

I wish you all the best!

Greg Kushnick

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Dr. Greg Kushnick is a licensed psychologist serving New York and New Jersey. His offices are located in Chelsea/Flatiron and Wall St./Financial District of New York City. Dr. Kushnick offers concrete tools and practical cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) techniques. In-person and online appointments are available during morning, afternoon and evening hours. To schedule a complimentary 15-minute phone consultation, email [email protected].

How to Center Yourself in the Age of Anxiety: Values 101

So many people, old and young, enter therapy describing their anxiety as intruding into so many aspects of life,  as though there’s no comfortable place to land their thoughts. Anxiety seeps into activities of daily living it has no business bothering.

Some psychologists would respond to this presentation by saying , “Well, it sounds like you have Generalized Anxiety Disorder. Let’s come up with a treatment plan to relieve you of your anxiety.”

Psychoanalytic therapists would then dive deep into your past, orbiting around childhood trauma, parental failings and early, heroic childhood solutions you arrived at to exist in your family and beyond.

CBT psychologists would focus more on the relationship between your thought patterns, feelings of anxiety and actions. They would zoom in on irrational beliefs, core beliefs and automatic thoughts that lead to anxiety and vice versa.

The problem could be “generalized,” but the solution should be more nuanced and thoughtful.

A Roadmap for Finding Direction

As a CBT psychologist in New York City, I work with a lot of ambitious people who tend to be cerebral — powerful thinkers who deal with big problems at work while juggling busy personal lives. Whether it’s a Wall Street banker, an in-demand actress or a student who is just learning how to exist in the world as an adult, people generally want concrete solutions to their problems.

While I do offer tools for managing anxiety, I have found over the years that the treatment of overwhelming anxiety must also include a roadmap.

Money, job titles and recognition often become the default roadmap for ambitious New Yorkers…and it’s totally understandable. If you’ve invested much of your time and money building toward your professional dreams, it makes sense that you’d want to be rewarded in line with your expectations and motivations. However, this kind of roadmap is likely to spike your anxiety and promote a rudderless sense of direction in life, even if you’re successful.

What Do You Value?

Choosing a set of principles and valued actions with regard to what really matters you goes a long way in relieving anxiety, rumination, social discomfort and even depression. When you have an enhanced sense of what guides you, many seemingly difficult decisions become crystal clear. Values have an amazing grounding effect, and yes, they do play a major role in alleviating mental suffering. (Here is a list of valued domains, even though they are commonly called values.) Values that are represented by one word, such as discipline, are not very helpful in one’s effort to manifest them. Values are active statements that sometimes include an adverb or an adjective. For example, actively protecting family traditions is a value, as opposed to being guided by family or tradition.

Direction Not Perfection

Ambition and close attention to detail often translates into unrelenting perfectionism. Gaining a better sense of what actions you truly value allows you to pay less attention to outcomes and invest more in the journey, the process of life, which promotes compassion, perspective and lower stress.

The Age of Anxiety and Values

In our fast-paced, phone-led lives, it takes extra effort for most of us to press pause and reflect on important questions that allow us to get in touch with our values. It’s so much easier to jump from quick hit to quick hit. Life can be heavy, but to get where we want to go, we have to both accept what is AND look deeper. Anxiety and worry can obstruct our efforts to peel back the onion and see what guides our behavior at our core. If live only within our worries, putting out fires as they arise, but not daring to understand what is behind our uneasiness, then we miss out on improving our quality of life through living according to our values, the guiding force that takes away lots of unnecessary concerns and indecision.

Know Your Obstacles That Prevent Your Values from Guiding You

While naming and living in accordance with your values can be a life-altering decision, having curiosity about what keeps you from manifesting your values is very important. Some people are so overwhelmed at baseline that they don’t feel like they have the mental bandwidth to dig deeper into the land of what really matters. Other people are stuck in jobs and relationships that don’t align with their values. This discrepancy creates massive inner conflict that can either be avoided or faced and cleared.

Without much inner work and questioning, we are likely to take on the behaviors and values of our family members or people who tell us what to care about. For example, a parent might have taught you that people can’t be trusted and you should value putting family first (regardless of how you’re treated….or mistreated). This put-family-first-at-all-costs value can be soul crushing if you find yourself serving the needs of your parent and not making a healthy separation and individuation from your family. What if it leads you to have no boundaries or limits? This is a vey common example of a value that ends up harming you in more ways than you might realize.

Another common obstacle with regard to being blocked from living true to your values is when the company you work for promotes values that don’t align with your personal values. For example, making the sale at any cost might conflict with your personal values involving striving to be honest and authentic.

I guide my clients through the process of discovering their own values, finding meaning in places they haven’t dared to look and clearing obstacles preventing them from manifesting their values.

Values represent a roadmap for life. They naturally tell you what feels right and true to you.

As a psychologist in NYC who offers values-oriented CBT therapy, I have had success with clients who seek to clarify their values. A big part of the outcomes my clients have achieved has to be with my love of my work. I enjoy helping clients to discover their values, as well as to “name and tame” obstacles preventing the expression of what really matters to them. Values give an infusion of meaning and purpose. They reduce depression and anxiety when they are placed in the center of your world.

Value-oriented CBT therapy represents a wonderful way to center yourself in the age of anxiety.

Please feel free to reach out with any questions.

All the best!

Greg Kushnick

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Dr. Greg Kushnick is a licensed psychologist serving New York and New Jersey. His offices are located in Chelsea/Flatiron and Wall St./Financial District of New York City. Dr. Kushnick offers concrete tools and practical cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) techniques. In-person and online appointments are available during morning, afternoon and evening hours. To schedule a complimentary 15-minute phone consultation, email [email protected].

The Starting Point for Managing Anxiety

As a psychologist in New York City who has conducted thousands of sessions helping clients manage their anxiety, I have come to understand that there is one key to managing your worries. This key unlocks your ability to gain a sense of control over anxious moods and thought patterns. What I’m proposing also helps with an intense fear of something specific, such as a work presentation, medical test results or childbirth.

Just to clarify, when I use the term “anxiety,” I am referring to persistent worry and severe concern in response to an event that may or may not happen, the very uncomfortable anticipation of negative things to come. Anxiety involves a response to something in the future that is less likely to happen. Sometimes we feel anxious without any conscious awareness of what we’re anxious about.

We can all relate to the looping repeat of uncomfortable thoughts that accompany anxiety. Anxious moods steal our ability to focus on work, relax, bond with loved ones and get sound sleep.

My success with helping clients who are grappling with anxiety has depended on establishing the proper starting point for gaining a sense of mental control. In essence, the stage must be set before the band can start playing a relaxing tune.

Managing Anxiety Starts Here

The key to managing anxiety is gaining a sense of hardiness, or faith in your ability to cope with the unknown. Having this faith allows you to know that you’ll be ok no matter what happens. Hardiness is not easy to achieve, but the presence of just a drop of faith goes a long way.

How do you build up your hardiness? It starts with telling yourself 50 times a day, “No matter what happens, I will be ok.” If fear of a specific event is overwhelming you, try gently picturing yourself in the feared scenario and then tell yourself this message 50 times as you look around experience the sights and sounds of this event.

See yourself as making it through the event if you can picture what you fear. Say to yourself, “I made it.”

If this kind of imaginary exposure feels like it’s too much for you, that’s ok! Just feed yourself the reassuring message without imagery.

Faith in your ability to cope can come from a variety of sources. There’s faith in your mind, which refers to a sense of being able to control your thoughts and a sense that you’ll be ok if you lose control of your mind. The chaos doesn’t last. It’s time limited.

You actually do have at least partial control over some things that make you anxious. For example, if you’re getting a procedure done in the hospital, can you decide which doctor will perform the procedure, or the music you listen to, or who will be with you when you’re recovering? Focus on the choices you actually CAN make. The ability to choose some of the minutia of the feared scenario really helps.

The other side of building hardiness is to accept that there are some things you can’t control, which necessitates even a mild commitment to letting go and trusting in yourself, even if you know you will suffer for a period of time. This is where faith comes in. Faith in doctors, faith in God, faith in your efforts to take care of yourself, faith in people to make good decisions and do what’s best for you.

Building Faith in Your Mind

Your ability to control stress and anxiety ultimately depends on how much you believe your mental health can absorb a difficult event.

Sometimes faith in your ability to cope has to do with recognizing what your body can do for you without conscious effort. You were built to cope and return to a comfortable baseline of body functioning. Your body always resets to achieve as close to a sense of balance and equilibrium as possible. For example, if your heart rate soars in anticipation of a catastrophe, you need to remind yourself of your body’s ability to return to a comfortable state. Mental suffering generally comes in waves or cycles, as opposed to a permanent, unrelenting negative experience.

A sense of hardiness is also connected to your immune system. If you tell yourself that you can handle something, your body can have a stronger immune response. Of course, this is not true in ALL scenarios, but feeling hardy certainly gives you a physical boost of strength. Feeling like you can’t handle something is likely to elevate your cortisol levels, which weakens your body’s healing response.

Tips for Managing Anxiety and Building Hardiness

Below are a few hardy suggestions for learning to manage your anxiety.

1. Start by sharing your experience of anxiety more authentically with a trusted person in your life. Remind yourself that you have this person to lean on if needed.
2. Make sure you go at least one step outside of your comfort zone. It’s ok to be a bit uncomfortable if your behavior is in the spirit of striving toward something.
3. Spend time identifying what’s important to you. What are the values you live by? What kind of person are you striving to be for the world? Judge your behavior based on these commitments. Knowing your values and who you are striving to be serve as a guide for difficult choices and personal boundaries.
4. Take time to evaluate your personal boundaries with others. Who makes you do things you don’t want to do? Who makes you feel badly about yourself? Consider reading the book Set Boundaries, Find Peace to get a wonderful introduction to setting healthier boundaries.
5. Evaluate your expectations for how an anxiety-inducing situation is supposed to go. Do you need to spend time learning to be less perfectionistic? Do you expect too much of yourself or other people? Setting reasonable expectations promotes feeling less shocked by negative outcomes.
6. Pay attention to how you use your phone to self soothe. Are you over-reliant on your phone or should you commit to bringing uncomfortable thoughts under control without a screen?

Please feel free to reach out and ask a question or if any of this information feels like something you want to work on in therapy.

Good luck to you and your hardiness!

-Dr. Kushnick

On Anger, Depression and the Need to Be Right

How Much Do You Need to Be Right or Point Out Other People’s Faults?

Why do we invest so much time and effort watering the roots of the relationships that make us happy, yet when we’re grappling with a sour mood, our ability to see the world from someone else’s eyes feels impossible? Does this ever happen to you?

The man or woman you love so much is sitting right in front of you, but all you can think about is how you won’t give in until they not only acknowledge how you feel, but tell you that you’re also RIGHT!. You’re even willing to ruin a date night, sabotage an opportunity for intimacy, or avoid talking to them for days until they submit. You’re furious and you can’t step out of it.

We’ve all been there. We usually reserve this type of behavior for the ones we love the most or have known the longest. If we are feeling unheard or misunderstood, we may forget to listen. If we feel accused of wrongdoing, we may dodge responsibility at all cost and focus on convincing the accuser that they’re wrong.

If a deep-seated insecurity fuels the need to be right, then the fight to prove rightness can potentially go on for days, weeks, months, and even years. The need to be right and the tendency to make others wrong tends to promote long-term resentment and animosity in relationships. This state of mind may suppress the immune system and invite illness into the body, and it is likely to limit our repertoire of problem-solving behaviors.

I find that an overinvestment in being right tends to promote more frequent states of dissatisfaction in relationships and with life in general. Depression may promote the need to be right (and vice versa). When we feel low, the act of making other people wrong can give a temporary lift to our sense of self-importance. The problem with this kind of lift is that it only lasts for a brief moment, and as soon as the high of asserting our rightness passes, we either sink back into a depressed state, or we feel even lower than we did before we made a heavy investment in making someone wrong. In more intense states of depression, we often lack motivation to perform the activities that we usually enjoy. Our energy is devoted to completing the most basic of tasks, as we do our best just to get through the day. In this state of decreased motivation, the mental energy available for entertaining the perspective of others is often quite limited.

The truth is that we are all forced to endure depression at some point, although its severity, duration and impact on our functioning varies from person to person. Depression typically involves periods of sad mood, decreased motivation, and a heightened tendency to avoid feelings and situations that normally brings us a sense of connection, purpose, and fulfillment.

When we are feeling significantly depressed, we may experience anger that is directed inward toward the self, or outward toward other people or the world as a whole. These angry feelings may take the form of an “addiction” to making other people wrong. In such a state of mind, our world becomes very small. We see with blinders on. There is only one way and it is our way. Hence, when anger takes over, our ability to see things from someone else’s point of view can become severely compromised, especially if our tendency is to cope with our anger by punishing others (and giving ourselves the illusion of ridding ourselves of negative feelings) by making them feel as we feel. An openness to entertaining multiple perspectives may also be limited if we typically handle our anger by withdrawing and avoiding conflict, which tends to minimize opportunities for rectifying disagreements.

Anxiety is similar to anger in its influence on perspective-taking abilities, as it can promote a narrowing the lense of our perspective at the expense of appreciating alternative vantage points. When we are anxious, our mental resources are channeled toward coping with the belief that we must prepare for a feared event. This preparation creates a self-preserving state of mind that narrows our perspective to a limited number of possible outcomes. We repeat to ourselves in one form or another the idea that “I will not be OK if this event happens.” When we are gripped by high anxiety, predicting a catastrophe requires a huge amount of mental energy, which deprives us of the energy required to appreciate someone else’s perspective.

Would you like to achieve lasting states of positive emotion? Would you like to feel more strongly connected to your loved ones, and to your world in general? If so, cultivate your ability to see someone else’s perspective, and recognize the impact that your words and actions have on the ones you love; this will tame your innate human need to be right. Your willingness to acknowledge the perspective of others, even if you disagree with their stance, is one of the most important mental muscles to build.

How to Build Empathy and Improve Perspective-Taking Skills

Here are a few brief suggestions for assessing and improving your ability to appreciate the perspective of others.

1) Conduct an honest assessment of how invested you are in making people wrong, especially the people closest to you. Ask a trusted friend or family member to give their opinion on this. Try to be open to their feedback, especially if you are both emotionally invested in the relationship. When it comes to how often we feel the need to be right, we are usually poor self-evaluators.

2) Practice the art of listening without interrupting. Avoid telling others how they should feel. Try to listen well enough to be able to convey to the speaker what you just heard them say, and then share what you learned from them.

3) Try to embrace the idea that there are “two rights” in every disagreement between two people.

4) Seek professional help if you determine that your need to make others wrong significantly interferes with your relationships, or if you can see that depression, anger, or anxiety present obstacles to appreciating others’ perspectives.

5) Practice doing gratitude exercises. This is one of the most powerful ways to cultivate the ability to appreciate others’ opinions and struggles. There are many self-help books available to assist you with this.

6) When you are sitting in a restaurant or coffee shop, or another setting conducive to “people-watching,” imagine what life might look like from the eyes of someone you are observing. Try to get in touch with what this person might be feeling, even if you are guessing . Do this exercise at least once a week.

7) If you recognize that you are particularly depressed or angry on a given day, take a pause in each interaction with the people you love and acknowledge to yourself (or to them) how your negative mood may be making you more argumentative or less understanding. Sometimes our loved ones deserve this “heads up.”

Thank you for taking the time to read this post. If you commit to improving your ability to adopt another person’s perspective and avoid the habit of making other people wrong, I am confident that you will like the way that it makes you feel. It might even bring you closer to the people you love.

Why a New York City Psychologist Has the Best Job in the World