A Guide to Relearning to Trust Yourself After Narcissistic Abuse
Healing from narcissistic abuse can be an intense experience. You’ve likely endured constant exposure to someone who questioned your reality, minimized your feelings and distanced you from your instincts. Your ability to trust yourself isn’t gone. It’s just buried under someone else’s voice.
Through my work as a psychologist in New York City helping clients heal from narcissistic abuse, I’ve learned that recovery is less about forgetting the past and more about relearning how to trust yourself and clear the confusion that abuse leaves behind.
(Disclaimer: This article does not constitute psychotherapy or a psychotherapeutic relationship with this writer. The following content represents suggestions for self-exploration based on my experience as a CBT therapist in NYC who has worked extensively with people seeking relief from the effects of narcissistic abuse, as well my work with people on the spectrum of narcissism.)
In this article I present an outline representing a plan for healing from trauma caused by a narcissist. Because the process can elicit so many intense thoughts, feelings and memories, I believe it can be beneficial to see the process written in outline form.
I also include three Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Exercises to give you tangible actions to partake along your journey. These exercises may be best attempted under the guidance of a mental health professional, but at least you will see what might be helkpful.
Moving on from the psychological hold of a narcissist involves reconnecting with your own voice and learning to trust it. One eye-opening part of the healing process is recognizing the fictional elements of the relationship while bringing your emotions under control and maintaining a healthy, adaptive perspective.
When you’re able to reframe the relationship and move toward being less triggered as you recall aspects of the abuse, the disorientation and disconnection begin to subside.
If the break from a relationship with a narcissist is recent or if you haven’t tried to heal the wounds of the past, you may be left questioning what’s real, second guessing your thoughts, feelings and memories. When your sense of reality has been repeatedly and painfully denied, challenged, belittled and ignored by someone with narcissistic traits, plugging back in to your own authentic and deserving sense of self requires watering the roots of psychological safety (and, in some cases, physical safety from the narcissist).
The process of learning to trust your mind again doesn’t have a clear playbook since we’re all different people with our own unique, internal influences (e.g., temperament, mood issues, anxiety, attentional factors) and external influences (e.g., prior trauma from having a narcissistic family member or romantic partner, current level of emotional support from friends and family, financial resources). However, I have found that there are universal mental experiences for people who have endured trauma from narcissistic control and manipulation.
Narcissistic abuse usually involves constant questioning of one’s own perceptions. Many people report feeling disconnected from their intuition after enduring a relationship with a narcissist.
Even simple decisions about what’s good or bad for you can be affected, and your ability to launch into self-loving action requires a lot more effort.
I’m going to lay out a few main initiatives to focus on as you learn to trust yourself again. In my experience as a psychologist in NYC helping clients overcome narcissistic abuse, the following goals aid in reducing mental confusion and constant self-doubting resulting from emotional abuse by a narcissist.
How to Move on from Narcissistic Abuse and Relearn Self-Trust
Below is an outline of the plan I use to help my clients overcome the effects of narcissistic abuse. Please note that everyone’s situation varies. This is an ideal plan. I generally assume that professional help will be needed to accomplish many of these goals. This article will cover the first two areas listed below, in addition to a bit about personal values.
1. Education and Awareness
- Begin a journey of self-discovery
- Become an expert in the narcissist’s tactics for manipulation and control
- Improve understanding of the internal conflicts caused by narcissistic abuse, including viewing decision-making through the lens of connection versus confusion and temporary emotional safety versus personal growth
- Start to reframe the narrative of the relationship
2. Safety and Self-Regulation
- Achieve emotional and physical safety
- Build a world of contrast between beliefs about the self and the narcissist’s self-serving accusations
- Identify triggers for emotional dysregulation and the narcissist’s most effective tactics
- Create healthy emotional and behavioral responses to upsetting and confusing triggers
- Strengthen your social connections
3. Deep Healing from Trauma
- Engage in trauma reprocessing
- Reconnect/reintegrate internal parts
- Identify and manifest personal values
Please note that this process is not necessarily stepwise. There are often many overlapping realizations and goals. It can be messy, but this is why an expert in narcissism can help guide you through the process to make it as safe and productive and clean as possible.
I’m now going to use this plan to organize my insights to achieve the goal of improving self-trust and healing confusion after trauma from a narcissist.
Relearn Self-Trust Through a Commitment to Self-Exploration
The process of trusting yourself requires that you begin a journey of discovering who you are outside of the role and tasks assumed inside and outside of the relationship with the narcissist. Essentially, you need to reconnect with what makes you–You.
Narcissists benefit from making people doubt themselves in every way, shape and form. The way you think of your own personality, including the beautiful gifts you offer the world by just being You is likely to be warped and less accessible in your recovery. Learning to trust yourself depends on you beginning to understand and separate from what the narcissist accused you of being.
Self-doubt is the weapon of the narcissist.
The narcissist’s ability to manipulate and control you depends on you remaining in a state of self-doubt. Essentially, the narcissist makes you question everything. and then they fill in the gaps of uncertainty to serve their needs and narrative. In order to behave abusively, they need you to need them, but their influence, both in and after a relationship, reduces when you understand how badly they need you to question yourself. Once you’re convinced that you’re a horrible person by the abusive partner (or parent, boss, sibling, etc.), you start to believe that you’re deserving of bad treatment.
As you become increasingly aware of the abusive and controlling tactics used by the narcissist, it is quite common to feel like you’ve lost trust in your judgment, including what really happened to you, how bad it was for you, whether the narcissist’s love is real (I wrote an article on love and narcissism to help answer this question,) and what you deserve in the future.
My work with New Yorkers who are caught in the fog and self-doubt caused by narcissistic abuse have benefitted from a wholehearted self-exploration of how their mind works and what they can do to defuse themselves from troubling thoughts and feelings related to their relationship with the narcissist.
Think of it as a declaration that you are committed to understanding the impact that narcissistic abuse has had on you and the part of you that the narcissist controlled to keep you from trusting yourself.
Achieve Emotional Safety from the Narcissist’s Influence on Your Thoughts
Whether you remain in a relationship with a narcissist or you’re learning to trust yourself with the narcissist in the rearview mirror, the key is to achieve some degree of personal and psychological safety. It is very hard to break through your mind’s system of protective defenses and ease the hypervigilant mistrust if you don’t feel safe in any way. My hope for you is that if you remain in a relationship with someone with significant narcissistic tendencies, you will strive to create your own reality that contrasts with what the narcissist needs you to believe.
At times, you might have to “play the game” with the narcissist (e.g., if you share a child and need to coordinate childcare or if your boss will remain “the boss” for some period of time). Some people find power and control in knowing they are playing the narcissist. If you make a choice to go along with play along (within limits), but in your mind you are “playing the player,” then the situation can be, at least temporarily, tolerable.
Ultimately, your emotional safety and well-being should come first, especially in the spirit of either shifting the balance of power in a current relationship with a narcissist or healing from prior narcissistic abuse.
If you’re maintaining the relationship, seeing right through narcissist’s tactics and creating your own inner understanding of the narcissist’s intentions helps with feeling less confused and more trusting of your mind.
Become an Expert in the Narcissist’s Manipulation Tactics
Learning to trust your mind after involves making a distinction between your true intentions and the narcissist’s mental manipulation. The anxiety and confusion you feel has served the narcissist’s needs. When you’re chronically kept emotionally off balance and in a fog, you can’t even defend yourself with your full mental capacities. Nor can you accurately trust yourself enough to advocate for yourself based on a more accurate version of reality. This is why psychoeducation is so important as a first step in your process. You need increased perspective to know when you’re being manipulated.
A narcissist’s ability to engage in blameshifting is unbelievable. A variety of methods are employed to avoid accountability and make you question your version of how you remember events. The art of blameshifting needs to be studied with ferocious enthusiasm. It will give you priceless perspective in order to separate from the lies you’ve been fed.
Building out a separate reality and healing confusion requires you to study the tactics of the narcissist (see a list of narcissistic manipulation strategies here). If you can label the behaviors used against you, it removes at least some of their influence. I recommend becoming an expert in gaslighting and its many manifestations. Learn to identify gaslighting when a character with narcissistic traits on a Netflix show is doing it to others. Here is a list of movies and shows containing a narcissistic, main character who gaslights others. Study how it manifests in the narcissist in your life. This knowledge is true power.
Knowing the tactics of the narcissist is crucial, but taking it a step further….you need to know which narcissistic control and manipulation tactics are you the most prone to falling for. Are any of these tactics used in your family? In other words, do you have familiarity with certain narcissistic maneuvers that either get right through your defenses or toward which you’ve already built up awareness and resistance?
Some people enter a relationship with a propensity toward excessive self-judgment and self-doubt and the narcissist capitalizes on this vulnerability. People with narcissistic qualities will turn your natural tendencies against you. They will tax your support to the point where your needs no longer matter.
If you tend to find yourself in the role of the “giver,” the type of person who tends to put aside their own needs for the other, then you’re at high risk for being taken advantage of by a narcissist. Giving and sacrificing in a romantic relationship does require something tangible in return, but your request to have your emotional needs met is likely to have been punished and ignored by the narcissist.
This doesn’t mean that the giver should stop giving and the empath should stop holding the pain of others. It means you need to understand how your tendencies have been weaponized against you. You need to know what the tactics sound like, look like and feel like. This will allow you to begin to make a better distinction between what the narcissist needs you to feel so they can get their way versus the thoughts and feelings that are uniquely yours.
It is important to note that even someone with a healthy sense of self-worth and who is not a giver/empath can be brainwashed by a narcissist into adopting state of perpetual self-doubt.
Each time you recall a negative memory, try to label the narcissistic tactic (e.g., “Ahhh, he’s using false equivalence to justify his actions.”)
Learn Triggers of Self-Doubt in Narcissistic Abuse
Begin to study what your mind sounds like when you’re in a state of self-doubt, typically in the form of sweeping, global, negative statements about yourself (e.g., I am a horrible and neglectful partner….so I don’t deserve to go out with my friends separate from my narcissistic partner).
You can even give a name to this part of you that goes right to self-doubt. Call it by name when it’s trying to steer you away from positivity. This is the part of you that is trained by the narcissist to maintain a sense of safety and connection while in the relationship. This part comes up with the solution of devaluing yourself to avoid danger and disconnection, but it comes at the cost of maintaining any form of a healthy sense of self.
Study the accusations that narcissist relied on to convince you of their beliefs about you. What did they say to you to make you lose your center, to make you question yourself, to make you stop fighting back? What did they gain by you hating and doubting yourself? So many clients say to me, “I wasn’t innocent either. I did legitimately bad things in the relationship as well.” Clients will share self-loathing stories of acting in ways that justify their negative self-concept. Please just know that everyone has unhealthy ways to cope with abuse. Think of these behaviors as heroic strategies for survival in the relationship. They were probably necessary for you to maintain safety and sanity while being abused. You can now commit to creating new ways to cope.
Overcome the Battle Between Connection and Self-Sacrifice
It’s human nature to seek connection with important people in our lives, even when they hurt us. We try to please them, accommodate their needs and adjust our inner world to avoid conflict, especially we’re contending with their punishing, superficial front of strength and certainty. Sometimes we get a window into their wounded ego. They hide from us their fragile send of self, as just below the hard front of their outward personality is a deep pool of fear and low self-worth, a sense of nothingness. It’s in the narcissist’s best interest to make sure people don’t see this side of them.
Your time in the relationship with a narcissist has kept you in a constant state of tension between connection and confusion.
This inner conflict between connection and the fact that the narcissists behavior tends to be inconsistent, contradictory and punishing tends to promote a state of helplessness in the partner. It makes sense that to maintain emotional connection and safety (and avoid the narcissist’s punishment), the best choice of action ends up being giving in to the narcissist.
In your relationship with a narcissist, it’s inevitable that you’ll have to negotiate the inner conflict between temporary emotional safety and personal growth.
We have the human need to feel safe, even if it comes at a cost. During your time with the narcissist, how much have you been able to invest in activities that promote your personal growth? Chances are that the narcissist has invested in sabotaging most of your efforts to grow and prosper as an individual because your emotional and spiritual growth represents a threat, a loss of control for the narcissist.
It’s quite common for partners of narcissists to give up many of the activities and interests that used to feel healthy and growth-promoting. I get it. It’s much more important to feel safe and keep the peace when you’re in the thick of it all.
But think of the sacrifices you’ve made to maintain the peace with the narcissist. This can induce tears and regrets for many survivors of narcissistic abuse. You had to do what you had to do to get by, but now it doesn’t have to be that way. In or after the relationship, you can develop your interests and commit to meaningful activities and values. I recognize that this might enrage the narcissist, but please know that your health is most important. And your health requires that you strive to do what makes life meaningful for you.
Reframe the Narrative of the Relationship with the Narcissist
Narcissistic partners tend to share their opinions with pathological certainty. That is, they tend to speak in absolutes with no room for your interpretation of events. They tell you how it is and they minimize or ignore any facts or opinions that conflict with how they see you. Most importantly, they will make you and your needs are the problem. As long as you buy into their narrative of the relationship, you will think less of yourself. You will adopt their self-serving and manipulative views about yourself. This is how they get their way with you. For example, if you hold them accountable for something bad they’ve done to you, they are likely to convince you that it’s your fault, or you deserved it or they will challenge your memory and tell you that it didn’t happen that way.
The narcissist’s self-serving narrative of the relationship (i.e., their version of reality) is forced upon the people under their influence.
Your memory for events, including who is to blame for the problems in the relationship, become blurry and confusing. If you’ve been repeatedly told, “It’s all your fault,” then you’re likely to come to believe it over time. In the face of abuse, adopting a belief that conflicts with that of the abuser may create more fear and confusion. In essence, the narcissist hijacks your ability to make sense of your behavior. Even your self-loving actions are likely to trigger guilt, shame, self-loathing and confusion because of the harmful treatment you endured.
Narcissists also tend to have a have a cunning way of arguing their point and convincing you of how a memory actually played out. Forget about convincing them of anything. It’s a waste of time. It’s up to you to create your own separate recollection and interpretation of your memories of being in the relationship. My hope for you is that your healing process will include lots of self-compassion and a keen awareness of the narcissist’s tactics and intentions that decreasingly impact your sense of self-worth.
Understand the Narcissist’s Memory Manipulation
Our actions are usually the content of our memories, but these memories are sensitive to manipulation. If we are viewing our existence through the lens of “I don’t deserve love,” for example, then we will only attend to memories and new experiences through this filter and ignore or minimize all other evidence that contradicts this belief.
A narcissist is a master of memory manipulation.
It’s essential that you take time to rethink the narrative of the relationship because the narcissist has manipulated your memory. Much of the abuser’s ability to wear you down and harm you comes from this toxic achievement.
You must know that this is not a sign of weakness on your part. Everyone who has endured a prolonged relationship with a narcissist has had their memory hacked, not just you. It is human nature to have your memories altered by relationship trauma.
They might convince you that you’ve been selfish and neglectful over the course of the relationship. Over time, any abused partner will begin to buy into the distorted narrative that serves the narcissist’s needs and justifies their abusive and neglectful behavior. If the narcissist can accomplish this, then your memories will become distorted to serve the narrative.
You may forget all the good you did.
The narcissist’s distorted narrative will make you believe you are inherently bad, defective or unlovable.
You may forget why your friends are great for you.
The narcissist’s distorted narrative will make you believe you must distance yourself from your support system to make you less influenced by others. A partner’s friends (and family members who don’t agree with the narcissist) are a threat to the narcissist, so they distance you from supportive people who have historically celebrated and grounded you.
You may forget that you deserve true love.
The narcissist’s distorted narrative will make you believe you must not ask for more than they choose to give you. Over time they offer a decreasing amount of loving acts and they punish or ignore your requests for more.
You may forget that you need space to enrich yourself spiritually and emotionally.
The narcissist’s distorted narrative will take away your ability to grow as a person because personal growth is a threat to their security and control.
Reframing your self-sabotaging patterns of thinking and behavior to better understand the impact of narcissistic abuse can grant you layers of perspective, ease the shame and create room for self-compassion.
Update Your Self-Worth and Reject the Narcissist’s Self-Serving Beliefs
What has the narcissist’s pathological certainty about you led you to believe about yourself? In the interest of maintaining control over you, the narcissist has probably convinced you that you’re some version of “too needy, too demanding and too sensitive.” How many times have they told you that your needs are ridiculous, your version of the story is wrong? How many times have they punished you by ignoring statements that make them accountable? These narcissistic manipulations all make you doubt yourself and adopt the least generous version of your worth.
Narcissists are masters of shaping their partner’s self-worth to maintain control.
Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Exercise #1
First, make a list of everything the narcissist has tried to convince you about your own self-worth and goodness. Put some space between each accusation.
Second, after each statement, write the opposite. Create a positive and generous interpretation about yourself in the spirit of connecting with. your own personal truth
Third, list a few of the tactics the narcissist used to convince you of this negative belief about yourself.
Every time you go into a state of self-doubt and fall prey to these manipulations, do this exercise to remind you again of your own truth.
Create Healthier Responses to Triggers Caused By Narcissistic Abuse
When you’re triggered by something the narcissist did to you, it’s necessary to develop a new set of coping responses in addition to what you did to survive the abuse. For example, if you’re suddenly reminded of how many lies the narcissist told you, instead of obsessing about these lies and looking for “evidence” of the narcissist’s wrongdoing, consider calling a trusted friend or family member to talk about how you were triggered. Or journal about everything you’re thinking on the subject without editing, put it away and move on with your day. Another option is to substitute the obsessing with a behavior that represents healthy self-care, such as taking a walk and listening to your favorite (uplifting) band or doing some stretching to motivational music.
Reconnect with Your Social Circle
Relying on friends for support will expedite the healing process. Reconnecting with all that is real and true and good for you requires that you move toward people who are safe for you and who will remind you of your good parts. For many people who are reeling from narcissistic abuse, the hard part about increasing social activity is allowing yourself to be vulnerable with others and/or worrying that you’re “too much” because of the fear of oversharing or acting depressed and “no fun”.
First, take a chance with the least judgmental person you trust. Don’t hesitate to ask this person when you’re in the throes of grief or self-doubt, “Tell me if I’m off with this, but…..” Let someone give you a much-needed reality check. Talking through your experiences will help you reframe the narrative of what occurred in the relationship
Seek out new groups of people. Start a new hobby that involves a fresh start. A group class can promote healing. Have you been putting off enrolling in a sports, dance, martial arts, improv, acting, craft, religious or spiritual class where you can potentially bond with other people? There’s no better time than the present to go after this if you long for healing from an abusive relationship. Group therapy can also be immensely helpful.
Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Exercise #2
Interview two or three people in your life who have a track record of showing you respect and appreciation. Choose people who make you feel safe. Don’t ask people who remain under the narcissist’s influence.
Ask each of these trusted people the following questions:
Who am I for you when I enter your space?
What do you think is unique about me?
How have I changed under the influence of the narcissist?
Can you tell me a memory or two of when I did something admirable or uniquely me?
Hearing it from other people can reconnect you to how you used to see yourself. I understand that we all have a version of imposter syndrome that pays special attention to the difference between how people see us and how we see ourselves. Pay close attention to how the self-sabotaging, self-doubting part of you aims to distort your sense of self. It is likely to have a field day with information that a trusted friend or family member shares with you about your greatness.
Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Exercise #3
This brings me to my next recommendation. In this type of situation where you spiral into vicious self-judgment, say to yourself, “Whoop, here I go judging again!” Repeat this phrase every time you catch yourself judging yourself, even if it’s 50 times a day. The goal is to put some distance between you and your judgments. I have often written about this intervention, which I learned many years ago from Peter Reznik, a phenomenal mind-body therapist.
A little room between you and your self-judgments goes a long way, as it gives you the ability to edit the judgment in the spirit of self-acceptance and awareness. Constant self-judgment turns your mind against itself. It promotes unease and disease. The narcissist benefitted greatly from this habit of yours in terms of control of your mind.
Again, notice each time you judge yourself, especially when you think of your behavior in the relationship with the narcissist. Following the self-judgment, reframe what happened in the relationship and what the narcissist gained by manipulating you to think in this particular negative way. For example, if you have a sudden recollection of how much the narcissist lied to you and you’re flooded with self-loathing, confusion and regret, say to yourself, “Hmm, here I go judging again. I was manipulated by this person so badly so they can get away with all of their lies.
Judging the narcissist is another story. You will probably need to let yourself do this as you heal. Many people report going through waves of compassion and guilt for how they have hurt of betrayed the narcissist. Compassion for the narcissist has its role in the healing process but guilt needs to be minimized, as it tends to make people feel like they still owe a debt to the narcissist, which is a dangerous idea.
Rebuild Your Sense of Purpose After Narcissistic Abuse
What constitutes a meaningful life for you? Do you have a vision of living true to yourself looks like? What actions in everyday living make you feel like you’re manifesting a well-lived life?
Answering these questions will help you connect with your personal values, which will help you to know when you’re being true to yourself. Values clarity promotes clearer perspective on the difference between what an abusive relationship has taught you to think and what truly matters to you. A value is an ideal that is turned into reality through behavior. If you’ve been punished for manifesting your values in reality, there’s a good chance you’ve grown distant from activities that made you feel grounded.
For example, your partner is threatened by your value of spiritual growth so he sabotages your efforts to go on spiritual retreats or take a class on spirituality. You may have to come agree with the narcissist because you see how much it upsets him. Perhaps he appealed to your doubts about a spirituality class because it’s expensive or the benefits of attending are not crystal clear. The key is to dare to reconnect with this value and get closer to what feels authentic and true to you. You’ve been systematically held back. Spiritual nurturing of any type is great for reminding you of what really matters to you in life.
Your personal growth is a threat to the narcissist.
Another example would be if you used to value investing in and maintaining close friendships, but your narcissistic partner systematically dissuaded you from getting together with your long-time friends who you’ve trusted in the past. The narcissist’s control tactics are likely to make you bitter but self-doubting when it comes to manifesting this value. Maybe the narcissist convinced you that your sibling or close friend is a horrible person, but a part of you still feels like you’ve been pushed away from good people who were there for you in the past. Controlling you is easier without your friends and family around you. Shame, confusion and resentment about the distance you’ve created from these great friends may be holding you back. Well, now that you’re realizing the need to find your own truth, it’s necessary to reconnect with this value (and the friends you’ve lost touch with).
Another example would be if you used to value and act upon your commitment to personal growth (one of my values), but your partner seemed to feel threatened by and judge actions you took to better yourself. As a result, they manipulated you to reduce behaviors aimed at emotional, social and spiritual self-nurturing so that they could control your self-worth by keeping you in a state of personal neglect, helplessness and self-doubt.
I believe it can be helpful to write a list of five or six personal values that constitute a meaningful life. Carry this list with you, perhaps in a note on your phone, and review the list to remind yourself of the direction you’re aiming for.
The third section of the outline, deep healing from trauma, is not part of this article. My intention with this long piece of writing is to give you clarity and direction as you heal from trauma caused by a narcissist. I wish you all the best in your journey. Feel free to contact me with any questions about getting started in therapy for narcissistic abuse.
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Dr. Greg Kushnick is a licensed psychologist serving New York and New Jersey. His offices are located in Chelsea/Flatiron and Wall St./Financial District of New York City. Dr. Kushnick offers concrete tools and practical cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) techniques. In-person and online appointments are available during morning, afternoon and evening hours. To schedule a complimentary 15-minute phone consultation, email [email protected].
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Was the Love Ever Real? How to Recover from Narcissistic Abuse
Did my narcissistic partner ever truly love me?
This painful question comes up so often in my work with people who have suffered from narcissistic abuse in a romantic relationship. I have found it helpful for people to start with the question: “Can narcissists feel love toward any romantic partner?”
The answer requires an understanding of some general tendencies of narcissistic people and the common trajectory of a romantic relationship when a narcissist is involved. My hope is to nudge you in the direction of arriving at your own conclusions that block the narcissist’s ability to define you, as opposed to you forming your own opinions and wrestling away some psychological control for them over your self-concept. There is peace in that. In this piece of writing, I’m going to make the assumption that you’ve been hurt by someone who may have narcissistic tendencies.
Below you’ll find some common questions that people who have endured narcissistic abuse often ponder as they reflect on what they’ve endured at the hands of a narcissist.
(Two disclaimers: First, please excuse my inconsistent use of pronouns. Most narcissists are male, so I often default to male pronouns. Second, narcissism as a personality trait should be viewed as existing on a continuum. Some people have narcissistic tendencies more consistently than others. Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a distinct diagnosis. I often go between labelling people as narcissists and saying that they have tendencies. In my endeavor to offer you information on true love and narcissism, I wander among varying ways to say someone has narcissism.)
What If I Question What Kind of Love I Deserve?
The question of true love is complicated by the question of whether or not you think you deserve it. If the answer is not a quick and obvious YES!!!!, then we have to pause for a second. Despite any mistreatment you received in the relationship with the narcissist or in earlier relationships, via abuse or neglect, it’s possible you’ve been convinced that you only deserve bad treatment. Narcissists gain their power by making their partners doubt themselves. Self-doubt is the main weapon of the narcissist. If they are able to put you in a perpetual state of feeling like you don’t deserve things like respect or kindness, then they can control and manipulate you at will.
I must tell you that everyone has a right to be truly loved. Many people respond to this statement by saying some version of, “I wasn’t totally innocent in the relationship.” Other people take it to a more self-loathing place, a reaction fueled by trauma, to reach the conclusion that they deserved to be treated badly. My answer to that is no one deserves to be abused in a partnership.
We have a right to love. This right cannot be taken away from us. No matter how well or badly people have treated you in the past, you have the immovable right to be with someone who loves and respects you. We will cover the notion of respect a bit later in this article.
There is one thing I want you to begin to embrace in your recovery from narcissistic abuse, regardless of how much you believe or deny that there was ever true love in the relationship:
You CAN reach a more permanent state of peace and mental wellness, usually requiring that the relationship ends and you learn to value your own love and set the appropriate boundaries by doing the mental work of processing the trauma. You can find yourself again. Your experience with a narcissist grants you invaluable wisdom that can inform future decisions in other relationships, romantic or otherwise.
How Do I Separate from the Narcissist’s Opinion of Me?
In order to heal from the negative impact of the narcissist’s recklessness, manipulation and control, you need layers of perspective. That is, the ability to separate, at least slightly, from the emotional wreckage of the relationship by looking at what you endured from a safe distance. This is often achieved through boundaries, such as minimizing or completely cutting off contact with the narcissist. In order to set solid boundaries, you need to have a general sense of your own value separate from what the abusive person has convinced you to think. If you let the narcissist’s abuse define you, which is a common consequence of prolonged narcissistic abuse, then you’re likely to take on a more self-diminishing approach to pondering the question of whether or not the narcissist truly loved you.
But if you can dare to think that the love you experienced at some point in the relationship was the most the narcissist could possibly love another within a romantic relationship, including in future relationships, then it takes a bit of the pain out of pondering this question.
In all of my work as a psychologist in NYC treating victims of narcissistic abuse, as well as the narcissists themselves, I have learned that there is a true cap on the amount that a narcissist can love another. It’s not as though they reserve another level of true love for a future relationship. They might be able to exist in a longer term relationship with someone else, but the extent that they can feel true love for another individual is hindered by psychological limitations. It is with certainty that eventually the narcissist will play out their control and manipulation with the next romantic partner.
What Limits a Narcissist’s Ability to Love?
The most crucial aspect of truly loving another individual is the ability to see yourself as a separate entity from the other individual. That is, you can consistently see the other as having needs, wants, desires and expectations that are separate from your own. These needs cannot be seen as a threat. They must be prioritized as nearly as important as your own needs, wants desires and expectations.
But seeing the other as a separate individual is not enough. In order for Person A to recognize Person B’s inner psychological world, Person A must also be able to see Person’s B’s needs, wants, desires and expectations as valid, even if they conflict with their own inner world. What makes another person’s needs valid? Empathy.
Empathy is defined as the ability to sense another person’s emotions, aka “affective empathy,” and actually mirror what someone else is feeling. Empathy is also the ability to take on another person’s perspective, aka “cognitive empathy,” which is based on an understanding of their emotions and what they are going through.
Think of the narcissist as a young child who is too frightened and self-focused to have any mental bandwidth for feeling and understanding what someone else is going through. This child acts in the service of getting his or her needs met because it feels like a matter of survival. Think of the narcissist as lacking the skill of entering another person’s mind and looking around at the world through the other person’s eyes. Some narcissists can show empathy under limited circumstances.
What are these other limited conditions? One motivating force behind a narcissist’s empathy is when the novelty in the relationship. Newness itself compels many narcissists to go to extremes. They essentially “crash into you” with their expressions of affection. Fueled by temporary infatuation and obsession, they can make you feel intoxicatingly seen and understood. Once the novelty wears off in the relationship, which could be an arbitrary decision of the narcissist that makes no sense to you, it is very hard for the narcissist to offer true empathy.
However, one situation that may elicit something like empathy, which is probably more aptly named “fake empathy,” is when the narcissist needs something from you. They view this offering as a transaction, a way to manipulate you into getting what they want. For example, the narcissist wants to look good when they meet your friends so they turn on the charm to maximum levels and make everyone feel so incredibly understood and validated. This makes them look like the ultimate partner because people are often so impressed. They have been tricked into thinking that you struck gold by finding this person.
The song and dance of the narcissist is unrivaled. They can impress even the biggest skeptics. But it’s skin deep. Under the surface is someone who needs to feed. They ski across the surface while doing impressive tricks and jumps. looking like a champion, but lacking the ability to dive deeply into your true essence. They see what they can get from you.
Your vulnerabilities are seen as a weakness to the narcissist–something they can point out to weaken you. Once you are mentally broken down over time, they need to give less and less for you to give in. You accept the minimum because the self-doubt they have instilled in you rises to the surface with very little prompting. Then they have their way with you. However, it doesn’t have to be this way. You deserve better, despite what they say, despite what the beginning of the relationship led you to believe about their potential.
Why Is the Concept of Narcissistic Supply So Important for Abuse Recovery?
Narcissists need to feed. From my days of watching the show True Blood, I often compare narcissists to vampires. It makes it easier to grasp their desperation to get validation to others. Just as the vampire needs to feed, the narcissist must find people to supply of validation and control.
A romantic partner can temporarily offer validation to the narcissist (with a very important emphasis on the word temporarily in this sentence.) Without people to feed off of, the narcissist, cannot access a sense of relevance. They use people to control their own emotions by dominating the world around them. They struggle mightily, getting desperate and punishing, if they are deprived of control and the experience of being valued.
Consider the following idea: People with narcissistic tendencies need to fill their narcissistic supply above all. This can appear to look like true love when they act sweet and caring, a brief display of intoxicating softness in their approach toward you.
The narcissist must determine simply needs to get their needs met. This supersedes anything. There is terror in not feeling validated for the narcissist. In fact, being ignored or made to feel ordinary or irrelevant is kryptonite for the narcissist.
If their needs are in conflict with the needs of their romantic partner, the narcissist must act to eliminate the threat. Sometimes they can deliver what is asked for by the other, but it is usually temporary because it is done to get their own needs met. They aren’t really thinking about what’s good for you. It’s just a manipulation to get what they want.
Can a Narcissist Receive My Love?
Let’s turn this into the two-fold question: Can of narcissists can feel your love and give a similar form of love in the same sequence? The answer is that they can feel your love and give back something special under two conditions: First, and most important, they can momentarily feel your love when their narcissistic supply is filled. Your admiration, attention and validation can satisfy them enough to be able to feel love for you and maybe give you something in return. However, it is incredibly important to know that their receptivity is fully dependent on them gaining their narcissistic supply. So it’s essentially love with a footnote.
Second, when the relationship is new and exciting, usually ranging from days to months, the narcissist can love strongly and feel your love more fully. The initial stages of the relationship might be the most intense memories of lust, desire, caring and connection that you’ve ever felt. It may sit in your mind like a fairy tale that you feel compelled to chase. Recollections of your initial, picture-perfect love may represents what you’ve always wanted.
This can span a few days of the most intense lust and desire you’ve ever felt, a memorable summer fling, and even, in some cases, a few years of decent marriage. Once the novelty runs dry, the narcissist will look elsewhere for their supply and it has nothing to do with the quality of your love or your self-worth. It’s not about you. They need a new source of validation no matter who you are or what you’re about. They will discard you or gradually offer less and less until you have no platform to get your needs met in the relationship. Their needs will dominate and you will pay a heavy price for making your needs important.
What If My Initial Romance with the Narcissist Was Unrivaled?
So many victims of narcissistic abuse are chasing the best of times with the narcissist, as though there’s a way to get back to it. Many narcissists are charismatic, attractive, successful, bright, charming and downright irresistible. They know how to convince you to go beyond your boundaries to get what they want from you. First, it’s their song and dance that has you singing only their tune. Their promises of a perfect future together are so appealing, which is sometimes referred to as future faking. In the beginning they can serve you an emotional platter with everything you’ve always wanted….until they willfully drop the platter.
This is often why people idealize the beginning of the relationship and chase that feeling they once had when they first met the narcissist. Add the need to prove your worth to the narcissist, the unwinnable game they have brainwashed you to play. Chasing the best moments of your relationship with a narcissist PLUS needing to know that they don’t think horrible thoughts about you, needing to please them/avoid conflict is a recipe for long-term suffering, a ticket to prolonged abuse. My deep hope is that you’ve moved past any effort to bring the relationship back to its glory days, that you’re so tired of trying to prove yourself because it will never happen.
As a psychologist in New York City who works on a daily basis with victims of narcissistic abuse from a former romantic partner, I have seen clients whose worlds are turned upside down after the relationship ends. They feel incredibly lost and must go on a journey to reclaim their sense of self. Their sense of value has been gutted, and they slowly make their way through all of the lies and manipulations to reorient themselves to reality. The ability to trust again may be in question, as well as what they deserve in general. The therapeutic process assists victims of narcissistic abuse with finding their way back to level ground.
Can Narcissists Be Vulnerable?
True love requires vulnerability in the form of bearing your soul to another human being. True love is losing yourself in another and being wholeheartedly invested in that person to the extent that you would do anything to be close to them.
Many narcissists can do this in the beginning of a relationship when things are very new and exciting. They share themselves with you in a way that feels so authentic. The love bombing is convincing — you want to believe it because the marketing package they offer is otherwordly. You become proud to be with this person because they are so appealing. It’s like you merge with their greatness and the world feels perfect.
This NEVER lasts because narcissists can’t be vulnerable for more than a brief moment, unless it’s the beginning of the relationship and everything is experienced as an intense first. Sometimes narcissists reveal their true self when they have been outed and the curtain of boldness and superiority is lifted.
A common example is when the abused partner gets so frustrated with the narcissist that they threaten to leave them and call them out on the truth about them. I’ve heard so many stories of narcissists reverting to a regressed, childlike state to make the attack stop. They sometimes become self-destructive and appear so wounded that it’s nearly impossible to keep speaking the truth to them. They appeal to the compassionate, caretaking side of the abused partner, and unfortunately, this tactic often becomes highly effective in luring the more empathic partner back into the relationship.
Unfortunately, narcissists see other people as more of an extension of themselves. They see the parts of a person that can serve their needs. They will never see the totality of you. This is what limits their ability to feel empathy. If they only see what they can get from you and how you can serve their needs, then it makes sense that they can be profoundly cruel and minimize your needs.
Is Love Bombing Considered Real Love for the Narcissist?
When the romance starts, many narcissists have the uncanny ability to deliver a brand of love that surpasses people’s wildest dreams. In fact, the love can be so convincing and intoxicating that it will make the recipient feel, think and do things that put them in the vulnerable and compromised position of being locked in to the relationship despite any major warning signs. Yes, love bombing is an idealized state of being loved that has the power to convince even the most stubborn skeptic that the love is real and has the potential to be long lasting.
Love bombing, a common tactic of narcissists, involves an intense campaign of flooding the partner with all kinds of affection and grand gestures. There’s the constant communication of the narcissists feelings for their partner. There can be paragraph after paragraph of romantic texts filled with poetry, sexual fantasies, plans for a future together and every way the narcissist is inspired by the other.
Being on the receiving end of love bombing is so intense that it can convince even the most stubborn skeptic that the love is real!
Not every narcissist love bombs. Introverted narcissists may be more subdued about their expressions of love, but their behavior is impressive enough to convince their partner of the realness and potential permanence of their feelings.
Think of love bombing as the setup for mistreatment.
It might be the closest thing to love that the narcissist feels, but it’s always short lived. For many people it takes months to years to recover from the sudden, mic-dropping experience of the narcissist’s love ending. It’s like going from ecstasy into sudden darkness and gloom. Shock, disbelief, intense sadness, numbness, self-doubt and confusion are common reactions to being suddenly discarded by the narcissist when the love bombing ends.
I’ve heard stories of people in a new relationship going on the most fulfilling, love-filled vacation with no sign of doubt in the narcissist’s behavior, and when they returned, the narcissist never spoke to their partner again. Done.
Love, Recklessness and Control: Narcissistic Abuse Whiplash
The sad truth is that the narcissist’s lack of empathy and hyper-focus on getting their validation supply filled leads to careless decisions that tank your mental health…and sometimes your physical health.
Dr. Ramani Durvasula, the world’s leading expert on narcissism, has aptly described narcissists as reckless. They care very little about how their choices impact you. They manipulate and control you to serve their needs. This recklessness makes any expression of love from the narcissist fleeting. Just as you allow yourself to enjoy their love for you, the record scratches as they hurt you in an unfathomable way. Maybe they convinced you that you deserve it. Maybe you’re used to taking one for the team, but it’s not sustainable from a mental health perspective.
Relationships with narcissists can persist over time with periods of peace under one condition. That is, the narcissist trains their partner that the expression of needs will be punished, so the partner learns to ask for less and less to make the relationship work. “Balance” in the relationship means that the partner gives and the narcissist takes. Inevitably, in a long term relationship, the partner’s mental health deteriorates because of this dynamic. There is just so much someone can give when their partner acts in such a reckless and controlling manner.
Some partners of narcissists retreat into fantasy, longing for the love bombing days, clinging to the hope of a return to relationship glory with the narcissist. When the narcissist’s reckless behavior is challenged, the partner will be reminded of the (one-dimensional) important way the narcissist has been “generous,” most often regarding financial generosity. The narcissist will leverage this form of giving to coldly negate any exasperated request from the partner to give more of the kind of love of the partner needs.
The net result of recklessness, control, manipulation and coldness is emotional whiplash, a term I use to describe a state of confusion, anxiety, powerlessness and conformity that renders the partner in a perpetually stunned and submissive state, a constant state of recovery. The presence of memory issues that often develop from narcissistic abuse has the partner questioning what is real. Prolonged narcissistic abuse leads to a cloud of confusion that makes you question your judgment and promotes forgiveness of horrible behavior. It becomes increasingly easier for the narcissist to convince the partner of a reality that serves the narcissists’s lack of accountability. This stripping of the partner’s reality is hard to reverse without distance from the narcissist. Therapy can help to reverse this disconnection and get a victim of narcissistic abuse to plug back into their own needs and reality.
Can Respect and Love Exist Together in My Relationship with a Narcissist?
One fundamental ingredient needed for a relationship to be successful is respect. This is also essential for a healthy friendship. Long term romantic relationships require friendship as a solid foundation when something comes between the two of you. It’s the cement that keeps you connected in the in-between moments. Respect helps you to hold the other as a constant in your mind, to forgive the other and search for common ground even after a disagreement.
But what actually is respect? When we look at its parts, it becomes abundantly clear that narcissists cannot feel respect for more than brief periods of time, usually when it serves their interests in getting what they want from you (focusing on one part of you) and discarding the rest of you.
Respect is recognizing your partner’s boundaries.
Narcissists see your boundaries as optional at best. They don’t value what matters to you, especially when it conflicts with them getting what they want from you. Boundaries allow you to feel safe. Narcissists are invested in breaking down your sense of safety to control you and make you believe that you need them, even if they are abusive. For the most part, the only time you’ll a narcissist show respect for your boundaries is in the beginning of the relationship when things are still fresh and new, or when you’ve pulled away from the narcissist and they truly think you have outed them as a horrible person or are leaving them.
Respect is valuing the thoughts and feelings of your partner.
Since most narcissists have a hard time feeling empathy after the initial stages of the relationship, they cannot relate to your inner world. Your separate thoughts and feelings are irrelevant, something to be snuffed out or ignored. If you disagree with them, they can get aggressive, deny your reality and make you question yourself constantly. A common result of chronic disrespect for a partner’s ideas in a romantic relationship is pervasive self-doubt and a fog of confusion that follows the partner around. Since your feelings aren’t valid to a narcissist, you won’t feel listened to. You’ll be convinced that you have no right to feel what you feel, even when the narcissist hurts you (and even if a large part of you knows better).
Respect is healthy communication.
Narcissists fight dirty. They have to be right. They have to win. They have a heavy investment in standing on a pedestal, making you wrong and convincing you that they know better than you. Narcissists use labels to shut you down, which is a reflection of their lack curiosity for your opinion. Forget a two-way street. It’s one way and if you’re not going their way, you’ll pay.
Narcissists don’t know how to resolve a dispute in an equitable fashion. Since arguments are almost never resolved with love and respect leading the way, the partner rarely feels seen and heard. The partner always has to sacrifice. Otherwise, the punishment is unbearable. To avoid an assault from narcissist, the partner is forced to give up personal boundaries and create a persona built around keeping the peace and serving the narcissist’s needs.
Stonewalling, a common tactic of narcissists, is when one partner shuts down or avoids the other in the face of conflict, which makes the other feel unheard and takes away any chance for both partners to feel heard or for a resolution to occur after an argument. Stonewalling can manifest as ignoring/the silent treatment, walking away during an argument, declaring a conversation is over, dismissing a partner’s concerns or acting too busy to talk. A habit of stonewalling in one partner is positively correlated with divorce.
Sometimes the abused partner also takes on a pattern of stonewalling for survival, essentially avoiding the pain associated with how dirty the narcissist fights.
Respect is honesty and trustworthiness.
A narcissist’s disconnection from your needs makes it easy for them to lie and cheat. Narcissists are masters of covert operations. This is on display in the discrepancy between their public and private selves.
Rarely can they be vulnerable in public. Instead, their public persona is all about seeming perfectly put together. In private they are fragile, punishing and they create chaos with their reckless behavior toward their partner.
Narcissists can be so cut off from their partner’s well-being that they are able to inflict major harm. Many narcissists cheat on their partners. They overlap relationships and feel no remorse in doing so. When a romantic relationship with a narcissist ends, it’s quite common to learn that the narcissist has been in one or more overlapping, romantic relationships before your relationship with them ended.
They tend to be dishonest. They wear you down with manipulation, deceit and gaslighting to the point where you doubt yourself before you question them for the truth. There is no respect without honesty.
A common pattern in relationships with a narcissist is that the narcissist’s lies are eventually revealed. Some narcissists are done– checked out and ready to discard you. Other narcissists beg and beg for your forgiveness. The nature of narcissistic abuse is such that the narcissist holds so much power over the partner’s sense of reality, self-worth and personal control. This power over you is likely to compel you to believe them when they show remorse and swear to never betray you again. They say exactly what you’ve always wanted to hear, often becoming a wounded, helpless child, which tempts the compassionate and hopeful side of you to believe them and nurse them.
However, they will only betray you again. It’s only a matter of time.
Quick Summary of True Love and Narcissism
Can narcissists exhibit true love? They can simulate it…until they don’t see you as a source of supply. The beginning of a relationship with a narcissist can feel like true love. You might get the best of them as novelty and gorgeous promises fuel the romantic connection. However, with a narcissist the love never goes back to feeling the same. People chase the idealized state of the first chapter or few chapters of the relationship, but they will never get back there…only in fantasy.
Look elsewhere for true love once you are a safe distance from the narcissist.
A very important note: Arming yourself with an awareness of typical patterns of narcissists will allow you to know when you’re subjected to them. It will give you a greater sense of choice. Also, learning what matters to you, separate from what your partner tells you about yourself, will enable you to begin to move on from the effects of narcissistic abuse. Take some time to reflect on your own values–essentially, what makes life meaningful for you and what personal principles define your choices. An initiative to get to know yourself better will allow you to get in touch with what you deserve, and it will make it easier for you to recognize when someone else is manipulating your thoughts and sense of self.
The process of recovering from narcissistic abuse necessitates that you make a distinction between what the narcissist convinced you of and what you value separate from what you’ve been told.
If you are being harmed by a partner, physically or emotionally, there are alternatives when you’re willing to reach out for help. Silence will keep you locked in the abusive patterns.
Consider starting with therapy. I help people from New Jersey and. New York to recover from narcissistic abuse. As you might be able to tell from this article, I’m passionate about my work as a psychologist in NYC an I’ve been practicing therapy for over 27 years. I wish you all the best!
National Domestic Violence Hotline: 800-799-7233 : Website
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Dr. Greg Kushnick is a licensed psychologist serving New York and New Jersey. His offices are located in Chelsea/Flatiron and Wall St./Financial District of New York City. Dr. Kushnick offers concrete tools and practical cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) techniques. In-person and online appointments are available during morning, afternoon and evening hours. To schedule a complimentary 15-minute phone consultation, email [email protected].
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FAQ – Narcissistic Abuse Recovery and Therapy
Recovery from Narcissistic Abuse – Common Questions
Can I recover from narcissistic abuse?
Yes. It is certainly possible to recover from narcissistic abuse. However, a full recovery requires a good deal of personal discovery, as well as an essential reduction in the narcissist’s access to you. Therapy is not required to recover, but it certainly makes a huge difference to have an experienced therapist guiding you through the recovery process. There are many other factors that will impact your healing process, including any past history of abuse at the hands of a narcissist (e.g., childhood abuse, prior abusive partners), a readiness to help yourself/ the right timing, the severity of the current or recent abuse and the extent to which you can achieve physical and psychological space to heal.
I offer CBT therapy for narcissistic abuse. For 25+ years I have worked as a psychologist in NYC helping people who have been victimized by narcissists. If you’re committed to the process, real healing can occur.
How do I recover from narcissistic abuse?
The process of recovering from narcissistic abuse requires some form of personal and psychological distance from the narcissist. It doesn’t absolutely necessitate that you have zero contact with the narcissist, but a lack of contact will probably expedite your recovery. Of course, some people simply must have contact with the abuser, such as in the case of sharing children with the narcissist or remaining committed to trying to make a long-term relationship with a narcissist work.
Assuming you can first achieve some form of space to heal, you will need to deepen your understanding of the tactics the narcissist uses against you. You will also need to learn how to cut off their narcissistic supply or give it strategically by choice if you must have contact. In addition, because narcissists tend to strip people of their own separate identity, you need to discover who you are separate from the relationship, including your wants and needs, values, interests and self-worth separate from your relationship with the narcissist.
The process of healing also involves gaining a deep understanding of the narcissist’s tendency to blame you (or others) for most or all of their problems in life. The narcissist maintains the upper hand as long as you’re in a perpetual state of doubting yourself.
Can I heal from narcissistic abuse if it occurred many years ago?
Yes. Therapy for abuse that occurred in past relationships or in childhood can be effective. Quite often, the therapy aims to help you heal from past abuse while assisting you in avoiding problematic relational patterns in adulthood that you learned as a child. Sometimes the work focuses on someone who has passed away, so the remnants of the abuse interact with a grieving process.
What is the best therapy for narcissistic abuse?
There is no single therapeutic approach for healing from narcissistic abuse that would be considered “the best.” You can achieve results with a skilled therapist who understands the nuances of narcissistic abuse. Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) represents one approach to healing from trauma and abuse, but there are other wonderful methods. Somatic therapy and EMDR represent two other approaches.
I have found that my clients tend to appreciate my enhanced CBT approach to healing from narcissistic abuse, which is primarily guided by a cognitive behavioral framework, but also informed by other helpful approaches that can be catered to the client’s way of viewing life. Since each individual views themselves, their relationships and the world as a whole in different ways, a flexible therapeutic approach can be extremely beneficial to the client.
CBT allows for more of a focus on your here-and-now experience. It enable you to handle and dispute irrational and troubling beliefs, and it aims to help you feel prepared to handle future difficult emotions and moments.
I must say though that the rational side of your mind only represents a part of your thought process. Much of human thought does not involve logic and reason. This is why I incorporate other methods of therapy — to help you to understand and manage the visual side of your mind. I like to think of it as the videos you play in your mind that don’t lend themselves to logic. Healing must involve sensations in the body, your fantasies, hopes and looping images that come to mind.
How do I deal with mental abuse from a narcissist?
The first step is to gain psychological (and, in some cases, physical) protection from the abusive individual. The therapeutic work is limited in its effectiveness if you don’t give yourself the space to process and heal. If the narcissist is actively harming you, it’s important to gain safety.
Because narcissistic abuse alters your sense of personal value, what you believe you deserve, your accountability/who is to blame, guilt, shame and so much more, you need outside perspectives from trusted individuals, as well as a better sense of who you are outside of what you’ve been told by the narcissist and possibly other abusive or neglectful individuals in your past.
The worst thing y0u can do is keep the abuse to yourself and avoid seeking support from trusted friends and family. It’s nearly impossible to recover from narcissistic abuse on your own. You need people- outside perspectives, preferably from friends AND a mental health professional.
Managing mental abuse from a narcissist must also involve learning to set boundaries with this individual and others in the future.
Should I do therapy after narcissistic abuse?
Therapy with an experienced therapist is likely to expedite your recovery from narcissistic abuse.
What is brain fog in the context of narcissistic abuse?
Brain fog refers to a sense of confusion, self-doubt and disorientation that sometimes results from prolonged narcissistic abuse. Many victims of abuse report feeling like their mental sharpness has been taken away, like they can’t trust themselves. Sometimes when some distance from the narcissist is achieved, there is a sense of derealization, as though the freedom isn’t real.
What are the four D’s of narcissistic abuse?
The four D’s relate to people who are married to a narcissist. The first three D’s represent the likely behavior of the narcissist, and the last D is the expected outcome.
DENY: The narcissist tends to behave abusively and then denies that it ever happened or changes the narrative.
DISMISS:The narcissist tends to minimize any response you have that makes them accountable. They can make you doubt your own judgment, opinions and memory of events.
DEVALUE: The narcissist wins when you are doubting yourself and making you feel badly for what you’ve done. They put you down to keep control over you.
DIVORCE: It is very common for marriages to end as a result of one partner having narcissistic tendencies.
How do I support someone who has been abused by a narcissist?
The goal is to make it safe for them. Be a sounding board for them but don’t force your version of reality. It takes time to heal. People need patience and understanding from their support system. If someone is in physical danger, then immediate action is needed (National Domestic Abuse Hotline -Tel. 1-800-799-7233).
Can narcissists be helped?
While there aren’t many former narcissists, some progress can be made in therapy, even for people with narcissistic tendencies. However, the prognosis is usually not great. Ideally, the motivation for seeking help would be intrinsic. When narcissists get help based on an ultimatum, usually progress is possible but limited to the extent to which the person can take responsibility for the actions. Where I’ve seen the most success is when narcissists feel like they have something major to lose, the timing is right and there is at least a shred of an internal push to take responsibility and become a “better” person.
All the best to you on your journey,
Greg Kushnick
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Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Therapy in NYC: What to Expect
In my years of experience as a psychologist in NYC, I have come to the conclusion that the hardest part of therapy for people who have endured narcissistic abuse from a romantic partner, parent, sibling or boss, is actually starting therapy in the first place.
Everything else seems to unfold with greater ease once the process begins. It’s as though everything you’ve endured in an abusive relationship with a narcissist has created a wave of resistance, an uphill climb through self-doubt, guilt, shame and confusion that dilutes any effort to take care of your mind and body. However, once you place yourself in a safe therapeutic space for processing the abuse with an experienced psychologist, something shifts.
An amazing thing happens. You start to learn who you are separate from the abusive relationship. You see the tactics of the narcissist more clearly and you start to respond differently. You learn how to begin to set better boundaries that give you a sense of mental freedom and control. You feel like you have more of a sense of choice. Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Therapy can change your life if you let. I have seen the effects over my 20+ years as an NYC psychotherapist and it’s remarkable.
I’ll Meet You Where You’re At
I will support you at whatever stage you’re at in the relationship. Some people come to therapy needing help to leave an abusive relationship. Others have already left and are needing assistance with the fallout of the separation. And some people have decided to stay in a relationship with the narcissist because of other factors like the presence of shared children or a work situation they cannot yet end. I will meet you where you are. No judgment. Let’s help you to get a handle on the difficult aspects of exposure to narcissistic abuse.
Manage Shame and Self-Doubt
The main psychological weapon of choice for narcissistic individuals is self-doubt. As long as you are questioning yourself, foggy minded, ambivalent, confused and shameful, the narcissist has control. I help my clients come out from under this blanket of self-doubt. It’s so liberating when it happens and it’s one of the most gratifying parts of my job as a therapist who specializes in narcissistic abuse in New York.
Learn the Tactics of Narcissistic Abuse
I will make it easy for you to understand the specific tactics of the person who is manipulating and harming you. As a result, you will be more prepared with a variety of tactics for feeling more empowered to cope with actual exposure to this individual or memories of troubling interactions with this person. My methods tend to be quite effective, especially for clients who are motivated to create something better for themselves.
Discover Who You Are Separate from the Relationship- Find Yourself!
Therapy for narcissistic abuse involves trying to come to terms with the treatment you’ve endured at the hands of a narcissist, and in that process is figuring out who you are separate from the relationship. Years spent as the child of a narcissistic parent has most likely conditioned you to think about yourself, your value, your abilities in terms of how he or she wanted you to think and feel. The same goes for a spouse or shorter-term romantic partner. Therapy will help you plug in to who you are and who you want to be for yourself and the world.
I find this work incredibly fulfilling and I’d love to have the opportunity to help you.
For more information about me and my approach, please consider listening to The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast on narcissism on which I was a guest. Here is another the link to the podcast on Apple Podcasts.
If you’re not whether or not your partner is a narcissist, please take a look at my article on the signs of narcissism. As a therapist who specializes in narcissistic abuse recovery, I have seen so many different manifestations of abuse, so I am well-equipped to handle most issues related to narcissism.
Please feel free to reach out to me with any questions about getting started in therapy for narcissistic abuse in New York City. I offer in-person CBT therapy and online therapy from my Chelsea office.
All the best to you!!
Greg Kushnick
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9 Signs You’re in a Relationship with a Narcissist (as Seen on Huff Post)
I’m going to talk about the unhealthy kind of narcissism so you can get a clearer idea of what we mean by healthy narcissism.
If you suspect (or already know) that you are in a relationship with a narcissist, it’s important to work on the unhealthy ways in which his or her narcissism is manifested.
9 Signs You’re in a Relationship with a Narcissist
Here are nine signs you and your partner need to be immersed in a month-long course on healthy narcissism:
1) Your partner can’t tolerate your success.
One giveaway would be if you and your partner cannot be successful at the same time. Instead, you always find yourself in a one-up-one-down situation in which one of you can only thrive at a time.
2) You have suspicions that your partner lacks basic empathy.
How many times have you witnessed your significant other insulting other people with very little justification for his harsh words? (This can be a sign of other personality disturbances as well.)
3) Your partner has trouble supporting you emotionally during small, everyday situations that upset you, but when terrible events are happening, he or she loves the feeling of being needed and steps into the supportive role with ease.
Some narcissists require you to need them in order to ignite their powerful, caring side.
4) Your partner is extremely successful in his or her career and it seems like he or she has stepped on other people’s heads to achieve an elevated status or title.
Yes, many narcissists run the show. This is where narcissism can be a blessing as much as a curse.
5) More than a few people have described him or her as “self-referential.”
Yes, another dead giveaway is when your partner is constantly thinking or saying, “What does this say about me?”
6) A textbook sign of narcissism is that your significant other constantly needs to be admired.
Does it seem like your partner looks inward to find value or does the world need to reflect his or her greatness…all of the time?
7) It’s implied that you always have to let go of your needs and meet your partner’s expectations for how a particular situation is supposed to happen.
Do you have an equal say in what you do together? Is he or she constantly punishing you for not meeting expectations?
8) Your partner shows a huge blindspot in recognizing how his or her actions impact other people.
This is also about empathy, but I like to talk about it more in terms of someone lacking the ability to place him- or herself in your shoes and see the world from your eyes.
9) Your partner tends to speak with pathological certainty when sharing his or her own opinions.
Pathological certainty is when someone seems like they’re in the business of making other people bad or wrong. It’s as though they’ve made the choice to be right instead of happy. Many narcissists always have to be right. This is the unattractive side of narcissism.
Equally as important is figuring out if you’re, in fact, the narcissist in the relationship.
Whether it’s you or your partner who grapples with unhealthy narcissism, check out Techealthiest for more on how to transform unhealthy narcissism into something healthy.
More reading:
The official way to diagnose Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD)
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