How to Recover from an Abusive Relationship with a Narcissist

Once you’ve decided to distance yourself from a turbulent, long-term relationship with someone with narcissistic features, there are important things to know in your recovery process.

I will give you a few pointers to get you on the right track. In this post I am referring primarily to the consequences of narcissistic abuse. (To further your awareness of qualities of a narcissist, take a look at my article on the signs you’re in a relationship with a narcissist.)

The person from whom you’re trying to achieve distance can be a romantic partner, friend, parent, sibling, coworker or other kind of affiliation, so I’m not just referring to romantic relationships.

You’re not alone if you’ve been shaking your head, feeling incredibly self-loathing about how long it’s taken you to try to move on from this toxic relationship. It’s quite common for this to happen. Rather than judging yourself for it, try to channel this energy into understanding what you need at this point to move on. Achieving emotional (and hopefully physical) distance from the other party is the goal.

Lift the Mental Fog of Narcissistic Abuse

An often hard-to-describe experience both in and after a long-term abusive relationship is vague and deeply troubling sense of mental confusion, a cloudy headedness that can impact the recovery process. This mental fog is typically the result of prolonged exposure to abuse, especially when your sense of reality was chronically questioned and ignored, when you’ve been gaslighted and when you were made to feel shameful or wrong for the thoughts and feelings you had. A mental fog can make real life feel like it isn’t so real at all, a phenomenon akin to derealization. This can include the experience of watching your life from a distance as though you’re another person watching your life, something akin to the notion of depersonalization.

In addition, even when you’re removed from exposure to the the narcissistic abuser, it might feel like there is still a threat, or like you can’t believe the threat is no longer present or less present. You might still feel a sense of hyper-vigilance mixed with a brain fog. There could be moments where you kind of shake your head and say to yourself, “I can’t believe this person doesn’t have access to me any more.” Or when the abusive cycle becomes blatantly clear, “I can’t believe I was in that!”

Be prepared for some people in your support network to seem confused when you describe this mental fog. It’s hard for people to wrap their minds around the idea. Therapy can be incredibly helpful for clearing the fog and making greater sense of who you are outside of the abusive cycle. As a psychologist in NYC who has worked with clients in so many varying situations involving narcissistic abuse, I have notice that the mental fog and exhaustion often starts to lift when there is a combination of sense of safety, an experience of learning more about one’s own needs, values and personal goals separate from the relationship, as well as a developing narrative for the relationship that offers greater perspective and a shifting of the blame away from the self.

Conquer Self-Doubt – The Weapon of the Narcissist

You may find that you’re constantly questioning yourself in and after your relationship with a narcissist. Making simple decisions can feel confusing and draining. This is at least partially because the weapon of the narcissist is self-doubt. The narcissist “wins” when you doubt yourself. It has let them get away with behaviors that only served their interest. Narcissists feed off of you questioning your own intentions. As long as you feel like a bad, helpless or dependent person, the narcissist is free to weave his or her own narrative for the two of you and make your decisions for you.

Since self-doubt is a natural state of mind for all of us, it can be tricky to separate what is human from what is narcissistic abuse. Narcissistic abuse recovery is about learning how to control this default mode of self-doubt, most notably by separating what is the narcissists voice in you from your own. But in order to do this properly, you need to explore who you are and what matters to YOU, separate from the relationship.

Rediscover Who You Are and What Matters to You

In the first therapy session, many clients who have suffered from narcissistic abuse say, “I don’t know who I am.” Therapy for narcissistic abuse is about exploring identity questions on multiple levels. Now that you have greater safety, you’re likely to also have more mental bandwidth for reminding yourself of who you are separate from the painful relationship you’ve endured.

It is quite common for people who have been exposed to a narcissist over a long period of time to feel incredibly confused in the process of rediscovering likes and dislikes, what feels healthy and toxic, what you “deserves” in contrast with what the narcissist led you believe you deserve, your values, personal goals and much more.

Self-exploration is much safer and more interesting when you’re also curious about learning to managing the guilt, shame and fear imbued in you (and reinforced over a long period of time) by someone with narcissistic tendencies.

Clarify What You Think You Deserve

Narcissists have a very painful way of teaching people what they deserve. The narcissist’s tendency to blame others for their problems and play the victim when they are finally held accountable puts a very heavy burden on the recipient of the person who was mistreated.

Therapy can help you unburden yourself from guilt and shame, which makes the process of discovering or reconnecting with your sense of value and worth more achievable. This process will lay the foundation for understanding and setting boundaries in future relationships or with the narcissist if you still have to interact with the narcissist, such as in the case of shared custody of children.

Commit to Creating Stronger Boundaries

Personal boundaries create clarity and safety in relationships. You’re essentially communicating to people, “This is what I’m willing to do and what I’m not willing to do.” It comes from a space of valuing your self, including your mental health, time, and effort.

Relationships with people who don’t respect your boundaries deserve to be reevaluated for how much of an investment you need make in the future.

Boundaries give you mental freedom. They protect you from mistreatment. They signal to you what matters to you. They remind you of your self-worth.

I help clients to do this work and I sincerely enjoy the process. Feel free to reach out with any questions.

All the best to you!

Greg Kushnick

 

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