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10 Questions Narcissistic Abuse Survivors Shouldn’t Have to Answer Alone

by Greg Kushnick, Psy.D,February 3, 2026 CBT Therapist NYC, Clinical Psychologist in NYC, Featured Articles, Manhattan Psychologist Dr. Kushnick's Writing, Narcissistic Abuse Recovery, Relationship Therapy0 comments

As a psychologist in NYC who is committed to alleviating the mental pain of clients who have experienced narcissistic abuse, I have seen many different people in varied life situations who were harmed by narcissists. The reason I wrote this article is because the abuse usually creates such deep confusion, mental fog, self-loathing, sadness, mistrust and high anxiety. And the worst part about the suffering is that the victim of narcissistic abuse often ends up isolated and alone to pick up the pieces and make any semblance of sense of what happened.

Profound shame, guilt, self-blame and the hard-to-believe nature of the abuse makes the victim feel distant from and unsupported by others. They suffer in silence or reach out and get at least partially invalidated even by well-intentioned people.

Therefore, there is value in seeing some of the questions people commonly wonder about as they aim toward healing, understanding and making a plan. (Please note that this list is not a substitute for therapy. I recommend that you seek out help from a mental health professional if you have endured mistreatment by someone with narcissistic traits.)

10 Frequently Asked Questions After Narcissistic Abuse

Below are 10 questions that people who have endured narcissistic abuse often ask me as they try to make sense of this type of relationship dynamic.

1. How can I tell if someone is truly a narcissist?

If a person repeatedly dismissed your feelings, shifted blame onto you, denied your reality, and made you feel smaller, confused, or responsible for their behavior, then it points toward a pattern of narcissistic abuse. The presence of narcissism in the other person is further confirmed by their refusal to partner with you appropriately in making the relationship better. Healthy people can take accountability, show empathy and tolerate your boundaries. If those were consistently missing, you’re probably dealing with someone with narcissistic tendencies.

2. Am I a narcissist too?

Survivors of narcissistic abuse are trained to think that they are the problem. Conducting a self-assessment of narcissistic tendencies is also a tricky endeavor, especially if when you’re first pondering this possibility. More often than not, if you’re reading this kind of article and want to reclaim your life, you’re not a narcissist. What makes self-assessment of narcissism tricky is that the nature of narcissism is such that you have major blind spots that make it hard to see the impact of your behavior clearly. Assessing the extent of your own empathy, contribution to the problematic relationship dynamics and ownership of your limitations tends to be very confusing when you’ve been mistreated by a narcissist. It can be helpful to discuss this kind of concern with a trusted friend who knows you very well. Seek another person’s perspective who isn’t directly caught up in your relationship with the narcissist.

3. Can we ever return to how the relationship was in the beginning?

I have never seen a romantic relationship with a narcissist return to the way it was in the beginning…and I’ve worked with a lot of clients in NYC who have been mistreated by a narcissist. It is a commonly recurring thought and motivator for the victim of narcissistic mistreatment that the relationship can return to how it used to be. This idea traps people in the relationship and, at times, assists them in enduring horrible abuse.

This tendency to chase the thought or image of how the relationship once was usually has to do with the fact that the narcissist behaved differently when everything was new and exciting in the relationship. Maybe they love bombed you and made you feel more loved than ever before. Perhaps the level of connectedness and greatness that you felt in the beginning was so profound that you just kept convincing yourself that you can get there again.

Maybe the narcissist gave you a taste of what the relationship was once like and that convinced you that the original, idealized state of love between you can be reached again. It won’t. And I’ll take it a step further…whatever you experienced with the narcissist will not be outdone in the narcissist’s next relationship. This is a common fear when the relationship ends. It’s the painful notion that you will be replaced or that the narcissist never really loved you, or you weren’t worthy of their love. All of these thoughts are common mental mine fields when you’ve endured narcissistic abuse.

You can move on to something healthier and more fulfilling, but the narcissist won’t, even if you’ve been quickly “replaced” or they have secretly been with someone else. Simply put, the narcissist can’t do better than you.

4. Why do I still miss the narcissistic individual even though they treated me badly?

This is an extremely common and confusing experience for the victim of narcissistic abuse. Missing them reflects the nature of your attachment to them. You’ve probably had to repeatedly rationalize and justify their behavior to keep the peace and stay attached.

Missing someone who hurt you is a very common response to narcissistic abuse. These relationships often involve intense emotional highs early on, including feeling more seen and deeply connected to the narcissist than to anyone else in your past.

Essentially, the early days with the narcissist become idealized and chased when the dynamic sours. 

In my experience treating New Yorkers who have suffered from narcissistic abuse, I have learned of the inevitability of the dynamic shift after a “honeymoon phase.” Quite often, it comes in the form of a jarring, mic-dropping change in the way the narcissist relates to you. You experience in the narcissist frequent periods of withdrawal, criticism, or neglect.

It’s so incredibly hard to make sense of this change, and usually you’re willing to make a massive sacrifice to return the relationship to a state of calm and equilibrium. Your nervous system learned to associate closeness with relief, even when that closeness was unpredictable or harmful.

This push-and-pull dynamic can create what’s known as a trauma bond, where your body and emotions remain attached despite knowing the relationship wasn’t safe. Missing them doesn’t mean the abuse wasn’t real or that you want to return—it means your system is still untangling from a relationship that was emotionally confusing and deeply impactful.

As safety and clarity increase over time in the healing experience, the longing usually softens. What often helps is recognizing that you’re not missing the abuse. You’re missing the version of the relationship you hoped it could be, and the parts of yourself that were trying to survive within it.

5. Why is it so hard to stop thinking about them all the time?

Rumination and intrusive thoughts and images are common post‑abuse experiences. Think of it as the mind’s attempt at making sense of the unfathomable way the relationship deteriorated or ended. A common symptom of trauma is the presence of intrusive ideas and images related to the mistreatment. Time can collapse and make your nervous system react as though the mistreatment is happening in the present.

Also, if you’ve been systematically bullied into believing things are your fault, you’re going to question your own judgment and perceptions, which can make your mind rev. Narcissistic abuse often involves lying and deception. When the lies are revealed, it can cause a traumatic sense of confusion, mistrust, depersonalization and derealization.

When you’ve been trained to think of the narcissist’s needs to keep the peace and maintain the attachment, you’re likely to feel lost when you no longer have to consider the narcissist’s demands or needs in the same way.

6. Can a narcissist ever truly change — or is that impossible?

The quick answer is…no. However, it’s not impossible under certain rare conditions. Most notably, the individual has to be intrinsically motivated to improve their suffering and has the capacity for true empathy and the ability to sit with and appreciate the perspectives of other people, even if they disagree with the opinion or suffer as a result of differences in perspective. See here for an expanded look into the conditions required for a narcissist to make real changes.

7. Why do I feel guilty for leaving, even though I know it was abuse?

Survivor guilt and internalized blame are frequent and deeply painful questions. The way the narcissist operates in a close relationship is by convincing the other person (e.g., a romantic partner or an adult child) that they are to blame for the problems in the relationship. The victim of narcissistic abuse is systematically trained to take on the role of the one who makes constant sacrifices. The narcissist punishes and neglects the other person when a mirror is held up to the narcissist and they are asked to take responsibility. The narcissist is likely to have made you question everything. You might not even know what’s real or not. And if you’ve been trained that everything is your fault AND you can’t trust your own judgment based on the altering of your reality that comes with narcissistic abuse, you’re likely to feel guilty even when you’ve been abused.

8. Why do so few people believe should I do when no one believes how they treated me?

If you’ve been harmed by a narcissist, chances are there are people in your life who discredit or dismiss what you tell them about the narcissist or the abuse. This experience is inevitable and it’s a horribly isolating feeling. Why does this happen so predictably? This generally happens for two reasons. First, narcissists are generally highly adept at hiding the dark and hidden truth. Many of the more overt narcissists tend to be highly charming, charismatic and persuasive. They are often successful and powerful compared to the general population. On the outside, they offer a form of highly desirable social currency and people are easily fooled by their presentation.

Second, the nature of narcissistic abuse is such that people have a hard time grasping the dynamics. It’s so mind bending and insidious that people who hear about the abuse will probably make the abused individual feel blamed if they don’t have some basic information about what narcissistic abuse looks like. Even experienced mental health professionals can invalidate the patient’s recollection of mistreatment by a narcissist. I’ve had so patients recall how their last therapist completely invalidated them or was scared off by the complexity of the dynamics involved in the abuse.

9. So what should I do if people don’t believe me when I share how badly I was treated?

First and foremost, with an awareness of how hard narcissistic abuse is to understand, it’s important to share with people who don’t make you feel blamed or shamed. Sometimes a well-intentioned parent who has supported you through tough times might strike out when trying to support you during or after narcissistic abuse. One empathic, patient and understanding friend can do wonders for you if you need support. Friends can serve as a reality check for you. Let’s say you asked your friend the following after a fight with your partner: “Tell me if I’m crazy, but he (the narcissist in this case) told me it was my fault that he broke my phone.” A trusted and wise friend would make you feel supported and offer a perspective that calmed your overactive guilt, shame and sense of responsibility.

I highly recommend that you seek mental health support from a professional who confirms in a phone call or email that they are competent in treating narcissistic abuse. A therapist can guide you through the process of recovery.

10. Will they ever regret what they did to me?

This is a painful question for the victim of narcissistic abuse to ponder. Questions about accountability and remorse are extremely common after mistreatment by a narcissist. Narcissists are often limited in their ability to feel remorse. In my article on whether or not narcissists can change, I offer a window into the rare qualities of people with narcissistic tendencies that might predict the ability to change. These qualities might also predict the ability to feel some semblance of remorse and regret. For narcissists, the lack of remorse and coldness will endure forever, even after you’ve distanced yourself from them. If you can connect for a moment with the goodness in you and all you have to offer — your loyalty for example, or how much you’re capable of loving someone, or how really solid people who know you well do show their appreciation of your personality…then you can confidently say to yourself, “This narcissist will NEVER receive my love again. They will never have me again in the same way. And that’s their loss!”

Please feel free to contact me with any questions or to schedule an initial consultation. I would like the opportunity to help you!

Wishing you all the best,

Gregory Kushnick, Psy.D.

Licensed Psychologist in New York City

Tel. 917-566-7312

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